I'm sick with a chest infection and DH told me that "I'm not living up to my obligations"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been sick with severe bronchitis all week. I have a horrid cough, high fever and my body hurts from all the coughing. I haven't slept more than 2-3 hours over the last few nights because of the coughing.
Even though I've been sick, I've continued working full-time, I've cooked every night this week and I've kept up with housework for the most part.
The laundry (clean) has piled up and I left dishes in the sink last night after I cooked.
I got home from work, caught a 20 minute nap and decided to get dinner started. DH asked what we were having. I told him we would have last night's main course along with 2 freshly cooked sides. He got all huffy and told me that he didn't want it two nights in a row.
I told him that I refused to waste all that food and that that is what I would make. He reluctantly accepted it.
As I'm cooking, he says "did you get a chance to go to the store to pick up my energy bars?"
I told him that I couldn't today and he'd have to wait until this weekend when I do grocery shopping. He told me that "I'm not living up to my obligations." He then told me that "you sure have time to go out and party with your friends though." He was referring to my birthday party last week. My sister flew in from the west coast and she and 10 of my girlfriends took me out for dinner and drinks.
This was pre-illness. I go out maybe 1-2 times per month for dinner with my friends. I hardly call that partying.
I turned off the burners, threw all the food in the trash and told him to go fuck himself.
I am BEYOND pissed. Do I not deserve a little compassion?
I'm so mad at him.

I think that's an appropriate reaction. If I was sick and didn't have kids I wouldn't be doing any dinner or laundry. Grown men can buy their own damn energy bars and make dinner when their wife is sick.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a dick. Stop catering to him. How does he live up to his obligations?

He pays about 70% of the bills. I pay the rest and do all the cleaning, cooking and shopping. This was our agreement and I am 100% fine with it (when I'm healthy). No kids.

All? And you work full time?

DTMFA.

This doesn't equitable at all. How did he talk you into this!? I think he's shown his true colors, OP, and they're pretty ugly colors. He should have cooked for you or ordered takeout, then made you tea like a normal spouse.

[Anonymous]

Not sure the OP is reading this thread in the end but cannot help adding a [phone].

I am a man, I earn more than my wife and I can tell you this arrangement is completely unfair (he needs to do 50% of chores if you also work full time, what matters are the hours of work), his behavior is inexcusable (when my wife is sick she rests and I take care of her, that's it), he sounds like a selfish wining jerk.

DONT have kids with him, it will make everything worse. Run OP, show him this thread and if he doesn't go down crying on his knees with apologies, just ditch the asshole. Your life will be a nightmare if you don't

[Anonymous]

It is rare to see everyone on DCUM agreeing on anything... Follow the advice you read OP, you deserve to be treated better

[Anonymous]

Hey, she said she's 100% cool with their arrangement. Back off. Everyone is entitled to their own view of marriage, the conditions that want/allow/choose.

His unkindness and lack of compassion, that's not part of the deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hey, she said she's 100% cool with their arrangement. Back off. Everyone is entitled to their own view of marriage, the conditions that want/allow/choose.

His unkindness and lack of compassion, that's not part of the deal.

Mmmmhhh nope.. Won't back off. Nothing mean in our comments. If you put your life out there expecting comments/advice/support we are going to give them and the fact that their arrangement is unfair is a key problem in their relationship (that s why he feels entitled to boss her around as if she was his employee). We all see it except her (and you)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I've been there too. I thought he'd get it, grow up, see that I was doing everything and he needed to pitch in. He had grown up in a culture where women do everything and take all blame, and he acted like a visiting emperor at home. So there I was, with three kids, a job, totally doing all childcare and household stuff, and he would throw trash on the floor rather than take out the full trash can, and throw tantrums about everything and whine that I didn't give him enough attention. You know that's where you're headed, and you need to stop that train now before it goes any farther. It gets horribly hard when kids enter the picture.

Dear god, at some point you have to wonder, WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hey, she said she's 100% cool with their arrangement. Back off. Everyone is entitled to their own view of marriage, the conditions that want/allow/choose.

His unkindness and lack of compassion, that's not part of the deal.

No backing off. It's likely his lack of compassion that led to this "deal" in the first place.

OP, it doesn't matter who pays the most. It's more logical to break it down first by work hours. If you are both out of the house around the same a out of time, you should both be doing about half the work each at home.

Then consider who likes what or who's better at what. My husband gets home an hour earlier than me and loves cooking, so he does weekday dinners. I like yard work. He has grass pollen allergies. So I do that. I do do more cleaning because I like it cleaner, but he does more laundry, which I hate. It doesn't have to be 50/50 but it should be a mutually agreed upon, and sustainable but flexible joint agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a dick. Stop catering to him. How does he live up to his obligations?

He pays about 70% of the bills. I pay the rest and do all the cleaning, cooking and shopping. This was our agreement and I am 100% fine with it (when I'm healthy). No kids.

Why are you in a marriage then?

Marriage is not about percentages. It is about TWO people doing more than their share to pick up the slack when the other can't. And that is fluid, not static.

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP for telling him like it is.

I personally would have told him to go fuck his own mother..but that is beside the point, right...??!

He is being a selfish, inconsiderate and impossible jerk.

You may have pneumonia OP, you should get a chest X-ray.

He should be taking over the cooking and cleaning and shopping and laundry, etc. Not you.

He should have more empathy than he is giving you. But selfish people lack that.

[Anonymous]

This is such a heartwarming and rare example of a consensus on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

SMH...how do you women get involved with such losers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I've been there too. I thought he'd get it, grow up, see that I was doing everything and he needed to pitch in. He had grown up in a culture where women do everything and take all blame, and he acted like a visiting emperor at home. So there I was, with three kids, a job, totally doing all childcare and household stuff, and he would throw trash on the floor rather than take out the full trash can, and throw tantrums about everything and whine that I didn't give him enough attention. You know that's where you're headed, and you need to stop that train now before it goes any farther. It gets horribly hard when kids enter the picture.

Don't let this be your future.

DTMFN

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SMH...how do you women get involved with such losers?

The same traits displayed by her husband are actually quite attractive to women normally. I'm sure if you asked OP if her husband was an alpha, she would say yes.

[Anonymous]

OP, how are you feeling today?