Parents pissed we don't want them visiting right after birth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any readers enjoy a 2-week blissful bubble with no visitors?

Yes, with all of our kids. If you don't have "difficult" parents you have no idea how their behavior (really OP, telling you already that they don't plan to help at all!!?? NOT typical of many grandparents) can cast a pall on what should be a really happy time. My mother is very passive aggressive and always has to be the center of attention. We wanted our baby to be the center of our attention. Had no parents visit for the first 2 weeks of so and it was a sweet and happy time without undue tension, ever heard of a "babymoon"?

Yes, three weeks, actually. I don't regret it one bit.

[Anonymous]

I understand the OP and many of the people who have written in -- most people sound reasonable, rational, sympathetic.

At the same time, reading over many of the replies makes me really sad. I imagine the child I'm carrying right now thinking similar things about me 30 years down the road (e.g., she's needy, I don't want her around during the birth, she doesn't help me enough, she's not self-sufficient etc). I'm not trying to make anyone feel guilty about their relationship with their parents (we're about to enter into the height of guilt territory as parents).

But all the same, I wonder if maybe there isn't a little blindness to the fact that your mother isn't perfect, and has needs, and frustrations, etc -- and get ready for your own child perhaps not understanding or appreciating this about you some day.

Pardon the sermon. I do ultimately think that the OP is right to draw the boundaries given everything about the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"There's just so much talk about boundaries and control. Maybe it's a DC thing -- we're all a little Type A."

I don't think this is what is going on here. As moms have kids later in life there is a larger age gap with the grandparents. There is a different relationship with a 20 year old new mom and her 40 year old mom than there is with a 35-40 year old mom and her 60-70 year old mom. Think about this and remember when you were in your 20s and your mom visted you and bought groceries. Now think about recent events where you are managing your aging parents finances, and visits are still wonderful but you are taking care of them. This is a natural progression but with a newborn it is hard to take care of a new baby and the grandparents.

Mature moms have established, independence and more boundaries already. There is no reason why this should be thrown to the wind and not allow the mom time to bond with her child without the grandparents. With the larger age gap there also is a big difference between how kids were raised and safety standards and with a 40 year gap many grandparents don/t remember how to be helpful.

I think this is a really intelligent post, and so true. Even though I'm much closer with my own parents than with the parents in law, my parents in law are 15 years younger than my parents, and it's just going to be easier to have them around after the birth (the parents-in-law).

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me incredibly sad and how telling it is of the times we live in. I disagree with all those who agree with the OP. I think having a baby is not just about me and DH. It's about the family. I want my baby to feel close to everyone. We are ALL family. So even though my inlaws drive me nuts, Ive made sure to not hold them off anything. I was very close to my grandparents and always remember them there. I want the same for my baby. And because we dont have family in the area, I really cherish visits.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it does come down to the different types of relationships people have with their parents - but I truly cherished the time spent with the mother-in-law and mother during the first two weeks. Fast forward 8 years -both have since passed away.

Its not about having them around to help, it's just acknowledging the continuation of your family - not to be corny but like the circle of life thingy.

[Anonymous]

Just to throw in another perspective. My stepmother insisted on not going out to see her daughter's firstborn until he was a month old. This particular stepsister can be a little needy - e.g., calling her mom from 1000 miles away b/c she can't get her TV to work - and my stepmother felt it was important for her daughter to establish her confidence as a mother without too much outside influence. It was all about instilling independence in her daughter. My stepmother is a very loving, kind, generous grandparent to her now 10 year old grandson, and they have a great relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I don't know about them staying elsewhere (they would also consider just coming for the day). For me partly it's the principle of it and having these boundaries respected, and also knowing that then his parents will come too. And I guess it just stresses me out to have them around, and I love the idea of having a little time before family descends (even if it's in 30-minute increments). I understand if this doesn't sound very reasonable, though.

The irony is that my parents did exactly this when they had me--they asked that no family come for 2 weeks, and none did, and it all worked out fine. (I had actually forgotten this until I brought up my wishes with them.)

Compromise and have your parents stay a day (or the weekend) - you'll still get your coveted bonding time, but your parents will also have an opportunity to bond too. Plus, if they are so infatuated with the baby then maybe you and DH can slip out for an evening alone or go run some errands together while the grandparents have some 1 on 1 time.

You can still bond/recover from birth with visitors around - especially since your parents would be around for just a little while.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses, but in our case, baby was 13 days overdue, so I'm glad no one made plans ahead of time to come out. Secondly, my dad and stepmom were here for a few days once DS was born. Although they are nice and undemanding,not staying with us, etc, it was not really helpful--we were in and out of the doctors/hospital once we brought DS home and the last thing we needed to do was entertain/visit with grandparents, but we felt like we had to have them over for meals, etc when really all I wanted to do was sleep in shifts and try to get breastfeeding down, which was complicated for us and the last thing i wanted to do was struggle with getting on the nipple shield and syringing in formula and trynig to get a tiny, hungry, sleepy infant to latch in front of my dad. We were exhausted, worried about DS, etc, and not in the space for family, but that is also a reflection on the relationship I have with them.

My own mom, with whom I have a close but also more complicated relationship (no boundary respected), came when DS was 3 weeks old. It was really incredibly hard for her to wait that long, but we were all in a better space by then and she frankly had more time to bond with baby. I used the argument that she would be a much better help if she came once DH had to go back to work. I made her feel good about her usefulness, which was the only way she'd be okay with waiting that long. Im SO glad she wasn't around for the beginning and she even admitted, later, that she would not have been useful at first, so she was glad to have waited.

[Anonymous]

So, who is restarting all of these year+-old threads this week?

[Anonymous]

Personally, I wish I had handled all of this better myself, so perhaps a shortened version of my (rare) situation will offer insight. We had the same feelings- wanted the parents to wait a couple of weeks before descending like hawks. Doesn't help that my husband's parents are divorced, they hate each other, and his mother is the least helpful person on the planet.

So we hurt everyone's feelings by asking them not to come (I'm sure), but they all respected our wishes and no one said anything negative to us at all.

The baby was born and immediately I suffered a whole slew of complications (rare ones). My mother practically had to move in and my husband took off nearly two MONTHS of work. I was completely helpless and wished I hadn't given such a dramatic overview of my "plans" beforehand.

If I had it to do over again, I'd say to everyone, "Not sure how I'll be feeling or what kind of help I'll need, so can we play it by ear and make arrangements for visits once the baby is here?" I think that would have softened the blow if we hadn't wanted people, and it would have been easier to ask for help when I needed it if I had framed it that way.

[Anonymous]

Old thread! I really didn't want my mother in law around for the birth itself or during the first week after it, but since she is an old lady (87) verbally abusive drama queen, I just lied. I told her my due date was 2 weeks after the real one. I also didn't want my aunt "helping" me during that first week or around during the birth, but to her I just said the truth - I wanted to spend that first week just the 3 of us. It worked out great.

My MIL ended upcoming with the baby was 9 weeks old and I am soooo glad she wasn't here in the very beginning - as I predicted, she required lots of attention due to the limitations of her age and her self centered personality. At one point she even complained the baby slept too much and "asked" (more like demanded) us to wake her up! I couldn't have dealt with this kind of crap in those first weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the responses, but in our case, baby was 13 days overdue, so I'm glad no one made plans ahead of time to come out. Secondly, my dad and stepmom were here for a few days once DS was born. Although they are nice and undemanding,not staying with us, etc, it was not really helpful--we were in and out of the doctors/hospital once we brought DS home and the last thing we needed to do was entertain/visit with grandparents, but we felt like we had to have them over for meals, etc when really all I wanted to do was sleep in shifts and try to get breastfeeding down, which was complicated for us and the last thing i wanted to do was struggle with getting on the nipple shield and syringing in formula and trynig to get a tiny, hungry, sleepy infant to latch in front of my dad. We were exhausted, worried about DS, etc, and not in the space for family, but that is also a reflection on the relationship I have with them.

My own mom, with whom I have a close but also more complicated relationship (no boundary respected), came when DS was 3 weeks old. It was really incredibly hard for her to wait that long, but we were all in a better space by then and she frankly had more time to bond with baby. I used the argument that she would be a much better help if she came once DH had to go back to work. I made her feel good about her usefulness, which was the only way she'd be okay with waiting that long. Im SO glad she wasn't around for the beginning and she even admitted, later, that she would not have been useful at first, so she was glad to have waited.

What a patroniing thing to say to your mother. Shame on you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me incredibly sad and how telling it is of the times we live in. I disagree with all those who agree with the OP. I think having a baby is not just about me and DH. It's about the family. I want my baby to feel close to everyone. We are ALL family. So even though my inlaws drive me nuts, Ive made sure to not hold them off anything. I was very close to my grandparents and always remember them there. I want the same for my baby. And because we dont have family in the area, I really cherish visits.

That's fine for YOU.

It doesn't work that way for ME, or for MY family.

[Anonymous]

both my parents and grand parents are insane and didnt help throughout my pregnancy while ive been living by myself in the ghetto not capable to find a job (due to the economy sad state). ive tried to find somewhere in my heart to have them being there for the birth, but i realized that they will only cause MORE pain while I do my natural birth.

every time i try to have my mom be my pillar of strength, she just cries about "the pains of being a woman" as she does with everything else in her life and how its not fair and i never get a word in. ever. imagine: a short brazilian woman wearing bright clothing that doesnt match with a mullet on top that spouts really loud about her miseries....- then you got my mom. no joke.

every time i try to talk to my dad he tells me that im being selfish for wanting for not just be a housewife. he believes that i woman belongs only in the kitchen and to make babies bc of his religion. even worse he tells me that folic acid is bad for the baby and is obsessed with weight so much that he told me that i was fat when i was 12 weeks bc of my baby bump (im so not fat, im freakin petite even while preggo) and told me that i should do sit ups when i was 20 weeks pregnant bc hes sooooo afraid of me getting fat. he even believes that it was perfectly fine for him to make his own children suffer "to make them humble" for god and my brother and i did. it was neglect.

though most people dont have a shitty relationship like i have with my parents. some parents just shouldnt be there if they are going to only think about themselves- point made. this is about you and your kid, not about them. especailly when they have the rest of their lives to see the kid- so they can wait.

I havent had any help and probably may continue to not get any help and i accept that, but im not going to let them ruin this moment in my life- not when my kid is entering into the world. its always been about them. now its not going to be. I have this political fight in my (almost non existant) family that i have to have them there and..........i dont care.

my parents famous quote that I finally get to use against them:

"life isnt fair."

*i take a bow*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the responses, but in our case, baby was 13 days overdue, so I'm glad no one made plans ahead of time to come out. Secondly, my dad and stepmom were here for a few days once DS was born. Although they are nice and undemanding,not staying with us, etc, it was not really helpful--we were in and out of the doctors/hospital once we brought DS home and the last thing we needed to do was entertain/visit with grandparents, but we felt like we had to have them over for meals, etc when really all I wanted to do was sleep in shifts and try to get breastfeeding down, which was complicated for us and the last thing i wanted to do was struggle with getting on the nipple shield and syringing in formula and trynig to get a tiny, hungry, sleepy infant to latch in front of my dad. We were exhausted, worried about DS, etc, and not in the space for family, but that is also a reflection on the relationship I have with them.

My own mom, with whom I have a close but also more complicated relationship (no boundary respected), came when DS was 3 weeks old. It was really incredibly hard for her to wait that long, but we were all in a better space by then and she frankly had more time to bond with baby. I used the argument that she would be a much better help if she came once DH had to go back to work. I made her feel good about her usefulness, which was the only way she'd be okay with waiting that long. Im SO glad she wasn't around for the beginning and she even admitted, later, that she would not have been useful at first, so she was glad to have waited.

What a patroniing thing to say to your mother. Shame on you!

What the hell is your problem? Why are you shaming people? I think the PP was right on track.