Parents pissed we don't want them visiting right after birth

[Anonymous]

Please tell me if this is unreasonable, because I feel like I have no perspective on this...

I'm 6 months pregnant, and my husband and I (especially me) feel strongly that we'd like to have 10 days to 2 weeks by ourselves after the baby is born, just to bond and be together as a family. I know things will be crazy and we'll be exhausted, but I also feel like the together-ness at this time can be very special, and we'll still be running on adrenaline at this point. No visitors (except some local friends if they feel like dropping by).

My parents are not happy with this. They want to come immediately for a very brief stay. They have no interest in helping (they have said they do not believe I will need help b/c my husband will be here); they just want to see the baby. It's their first grandchild.

I don't have a great relationship with my parents, who tend to already have difficulty respecting boundaries and people who think differently than they do, but perhaps I am not being fair. What do you think? My husband is on board with whatever I want and annoyed with my parents for not respecting my/our wishes. His parents are also fine waiting a couple weeks to visit and coming after my parents do--but it's not their first grandchild, so maybe that makes a difference.

I feel like if my parents come then his parents will come right away, and then we'll have a bunch of visitors immediately, which is exactly what we don't want. This is bumming me out.

[Anonymous]

If they have made it clear they don't intend to help, you don't need them underfoot right away.

If I were you I would stick to your guns. Be nice, but firm.

[Anonymous]

I've been thinking over the same issue (I'm 5 months along) I also want a week to 10 days without them. His parents are fine with that. I am just positioning it as this is what my husband and I discussed and how we would like things to happen, that way it feels less of a you alone vs. parents decision. My parents are 2 hours away. At the very least if they want to visit me in the hospital for the day thats fine thats on them to make the drive and hotel arrangements. Ultimately you need to do what's best for you, your stress level, and the baby.

[Anonymous]

I can tell you how my mother would view this.

She seems to be competitive with her sisters and friends when it comes to grandchildren. She is already mad that she had to wait longer than them for grandchildren. Ohhh, the years of listening to them brag without being able to join in.

If they found out that she wasn't invited to be part of the birth or to visit immediately after, they'd pity her.

So her motives aren't exactly pure, though certainly she places an extremely high priority on holding her newborn grandkidds. It would be a social humiliation for her.

None of this is to say that she gets to overide what I want during this extremely exciting, scary, difficult time. Especially if she isn't offering to help out.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you, OP. Letting your parents wait a while sounds like a wise plan.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP. Forgot to say that you should make sure that your motives are pure before refusing their requests to visit.

No matter what your relationship is with your parents, you don't want to go down the road to being one of those parents who restricts access to the grandkids as a punishment. Your children deserve to have involved grandparents. Don't make them pawns.

[amodlin]

My mom was pretty upset as well when I told her that I wanted her to wait a week or so until she came out. She was upset at first (and is still secretly hoping I will change my mind I'm sure!) but once I framed it that I will need her more once my husband returns to work and it would allow her with more time with the baby she is beginning to come around. I have also asked her to come out to help shortly before the baby is born (I'm 34 weeks now) to help me "get ready." I am saving small tasks for her like putting the finishing touches on the nursery, and any last minute shopping, etc. Try to make your mom feel more included but don't give in!

[Anonymous]

OP here--thanks very much for your replies and support, it means alot.

To the PP who urged me to make sure my motives were pure--that's a really good point and I would say (to the extent I can judge this myself) that they honestly are. Despite the difficulties I've had with my parents over the years I think they will make wonderful grandparents and I look forward to their having a special relationship all their own with my child. I certainly wouldn't want to restrict access generally. I am already imagining leaving the child with them when we go on vacation! (My parents did the same with me and as a result I had a fantastic relationship with my own grandparents that I'll always treasure.)

Sometimes I get confused when my parents tell me I'm being unfair to them whether I really am--and I know that I am also probably in the minority when it comes to restricting parental access immediately after a baby's birth. Hence my uncertainty here...

[Anonymous]

Would you care if they stayed elsewhere? Would you mind them "dropping by" for 30 minutes and holding the baby while you went to take a nap? (After all, you said you'd let friends drop by.)

I can understand having no one stay with you unless they're willing and able to help out--and stay out of the way when you want them to. But not allowing them to see the baby sounds a bit punitive. I'm all for setting boundaries, but it seems like there might be a way to involve these excited grandparents-to-be without being a strain on you.

I'm biased on this--had help from my mom and loved it. But I'm wondering how many people who have lived through it would really say that those first 10-14 days alone (just mom, dad, and baby) really added to the bonding that much. We wanted time to bond the first day or so, but I can't imagine that the three of us alone in the apartment for 2 weeks would have been that blissful.

Any readers enjoy a 2-week blissful bubble with no visitors?

[Anonymous]

We were the same way. I didn't want anyone to be at the hospital or at home right away. I guess I wouldn't have minded my own parents as much, but they are farther away and I didn't want them to come up in advance since you don't know when it's going to happen. I did NOT want my in-laws there right away -- I love them very much but just couldn't bear the thought of them hovering during the first few days home.

My parents totally understood and were fine with coming whenever I told them to. My in-laws were not. They said they were, but they ultimately disregarded our specific requests and came early, which ended up being particularly stressful because our baby had to stay in the hospital for almost a week after her birth. There was no good place for them to visit, my husband and I were stressed, it was much more worrisome than it was helpful. It still makes my blood pressure rise when I think about it. We just told them, well, amuse yourself in town for a day until we're ready to receive visitors (they came the night before our daughter was discharged from the hospital). We told them a specific time they could come over the next day (after we got her home and had a couple of hours to ourselves) and that's what they did. There were lots of hurt feelings but they went away pretty quickly once they got here.

Ultimately, it was okay. I knew our motives were pure, as a PP mentioned, and that they should have respected our wishes. We've gotten over it and I'm still not sure that they understand why we didn't want/need them there at first, but they are better about respecting our plans and requests now. My husband was pretty blunt.

You're not wrong. It's a really stressful time and you should do whatever you can to make yourself relaxed and comfortable. I hope your parents come around!

[Anonymous]

OP here: I don't know about them staying elsewhere (they would also consider just coming for the day). For me partly it's the principle of it and having these boundaries respected, and also knowing that then his parents will come too. And I guess it just stresses me out to have them around, and I love the idea of having a little time before family descends (even if it's in 30-minute increments). I understand if this doesn't sound very reasonable, though.

The irony is that my parents did exactly this when they had me--they asked that no family come for 2 weeks, and none did, and it all worked out fine. (I had actually forgotten this until I brought up my wishes with them.)

[Anonymous]

OP - I understand completely where you are coming from. I would love to have the first week or so just for the three of us, to spend time and get acclimated to our new life together.

We are extremely close to my inlaws laws and it seemed cruel to tell them to wait a week before they could see their first grandson (they have one granddaughter), though they did ask if we'd like some time alone before they came to town. His mom is GREAT with children, is extremely helpful, would cook, clean, and do just about anything we need. Neither of them are needy, they're just extremely loving and caring people so we figured that having the extra set of hands and support in the first week or so would be helpful. Plus, my husband gets six weeks of leave, so even after his parents leave, there is still plenty of time for the three of us to bond at home together.

My parents, on the other hand, have made it clear they are not interested/capable of helping, so they have not been invited. They are also extremely needy (picky about what they like to eat, not really self-sufficient, don't cook or ever offer to help out at the house) so I basically had to tell my mother that I needed to pay attention to myself, our marriage, and our family and that I couldn't be spending the first week worrying about her needs as well.

Since you've already brought up the subject of having your family wait a few weeks until after the baby's arrival, you can always see what happens. Maybe after a day or so at home, you'll have a change of heart and invite your parents to come.

[Anonymous]

I will say that, for me personally, the first few weeks for bonding, etc. was not that big of a deal. But, that is just me.

Now, as far as the boundaries, you have to set them early and be consistent. We have parents who initially had boundary problems and now they know the drill. We try to be accommodating b/c we do like to see them. But, if we say no or make a decision, that is it. I would not cave on this. This is important to you. Period. You don't have to make excuses or apologies. They will see their grandchild, you love them etc. You just want this time and there is nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know that you are really in the minority. I am also 6 months pregnant and do not at all want my parents or his parents here for the first two weeks. We have two sets of grandparents who are upset about this. I'm not sure if it was OP who mentioned the competition with their sisters with grandkids, but this is very much the issue for my mom and DH's mom. DH supports me on this but doesn't care as much as I do. I'm willing to take a stand on this because it is important to me. (My motives are probably NOT pure, they are selfish; I'm doing what's best for me and my ability to breastfeed, bond with baby, and avoid PPD, case closed -- by extension, I feel this is best for my family).

My own mom visiting would be completely out of the question. She's needy and manipulative and when I am around her I am unhappy. DH's mom is much nicer, and I like her, but we live 1000 miles away from them so I'm not as comfortable around her as I would be on my own. I'd just rather get the hang of this whole parenting thing before we have a ton of visitors offering helpful advice or "helping" in a way that really isn't that helpful. The bonding issue is not even the biggest thing -- I just want to be confident and comfortable with baby before other people swoop in. Some people tell me I'll be sorry for that approach but they must not know me very well if they think so!

So OP, don't let anyone tell you you're making a mistake if you feel strongly about this. You have to stand firm and do what's right for YOUR family, and that's you, DH, and your baby-to-be. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP and encourage you to stick to the wishes you and your husband have created. Boundaries are important and this is the birth of your child, you have every right to set boundaries and expectations for visiting.
FWIW, we have asked my MIL to come visit during the third week after the birth. We figure by that point we will be sufficiently tired and craving assistance and will want others to be around.

Good luck!