Parents pissed we don't want them visiting right after birth

[Anonymous]

I've noticed a few posters have mentioned that the first week(s) aren't really that key to bonding with a baby - if that's true, then why is it so crucial that grandparents be allowed to visit during this time? I'm not necessarily disagreeing, but if the baby's own parents don't really need that time alone together, then why would the grandparents need to visit then? Thanks to my own family dynamics (divorced parents unwilling to have overlapping visits), my dad won't be visiting until my daughter is a few weeks old - I highly doubt that they'll be unable to develop a relationship as a result of that delay.

Every family is different - I agree with those who've said that family dynamics play a huge role in this. I love my mother, but she stresses me out, and that has affected how long a visit I'm willing to have with her in the first few weeks of my daughter's life. I absolutely want her to visit early on, but I also realize that a two or three week visit would drive me completely insane, so we're doing one week instead. There's also a huge difference in family members who genuinely offer help and those who talk about helping but really end up mostly holding the baby.

OP, I hope you do what feels right for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

This post has so many comments that I hate to add to it -- it seems unlikely that anyone is reading this far down! And I won't add to the vitriol -- obviously people feel very strongly about this. I just want to comment on one thing that no one else addressed (or if they did, I missed it), which is the assumption that there has to be parity between the grandparents. My parents will come and stay with me for the first two weeks because (1) they have a lot of experience with babies and are completely comfortable holding, soothing, swaddling, feeding, diapering, bathing, holding, taking temperature, telling me whether to call the pediatrician or not, etc., and will be a HUGE help to us as freaked out new parents; (2) they are completely able and willing to cook, do dishes, do laundry, go to the grocery store, go to the pharmacy, etc.; and (3) they are incredibly low maintenance -- last time they visited us (when we had no kids) they planned their own day trips and went off on their own without us all the time. And they were only here a few days! They are also so relaxed and down to earth that I am comfortable sitting around unshowered in my bathrobe with them around.

I have told my MIL that we want a couple of weeks to ourselves after my parents leave, to just enjoy the baby and being a family once the stress of the newness wears off a little. This is true -- I think some alone time would be nice -- but is also a reflection of my fear that having her here will be stressful and I want to be as "settled" as possible before we go through it. My MIL is not comfortable around babies and would not be comfortable driving around here, so her help would be limited to cooking and doing dishes. She is also higher maintenance, requires a lot of attention, and I would feel that I needed to entertain her constantly (in my second language, since her English is not strong).

Of course she is a little hurt that she can't come immediately, and is impatient to see the baby; and my husband isn't thrilled to see her feeling hurt -- but I feel confident that she'll get over it. I also think it's better to make these plans up front and stick to your guns than to have someone who is not really welcome come by too early and end up feeling slighted or offended by the way you act around him/her (I imagine myself hiding out in my bedroom because I'm too tired to make small talk or get dressed) -- or by the fact that you ask him or her to cut their trip short and leave early b/c you can't deal with it anymore. Sometimes good boundaries are the only way to maintain good relationships.

But anyways, my point is that there is no need to assume that the grandparents on both sides need to descend at exactly the same time. You've got years of navigating holidays and school vacations ahead of you, might as well start accepting now that you can't make everyone happy all the time and you'll have to give preference to one over the other on occasion. The best you can do is try to alternate -- maybe the first out-of-town trip with the baby will be to the person's house who didn't come visit the baby first at your house?

[Anonymous]

My mom and sister both offeed to come spend a week with us after the baby. My sister, more-so to help and my mom, to see the baby. However, I am with the OP, as I do not have a good relationship with my mom. She is the only person in the world that gives me anxiety, and I'm a very laid-back person. After two or three stressful conversations lately, I once again realized that as much as I wish she could be one of those "idealic moms" that some people are lucky to have, she is not that person to me. So, being wise enough to squash this before it's too late, here is the email I sent. (I had to send an email, b/c it would end up in an arguement and I wouldn't be able to get the kind words in otherwise.) P.S. She was already upset I didn't want her in the delivery room and also upset that I wanted to spend the first week at home with hubby and baby - "she wanted the first week."

Mom and Sissy,

Chris and I have given some more thought to having company when the baby comes and this is what we’ve decided. Let’s wait to make plans on when you guys will come visit. Mom, you asked me the other day “what week you get” and I told you to work it out with Jessica. However, you were right – I need to work that out with both of you myself. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I don’t know when you should come.

Although I was given a due date of September 22, who knows when the baby will actually arrive. And the more Chris and I talked the more we realized we want to play it by ear to see when we will be ready for company. This is our first child and we aren’t sure what to expect. We want to be flexible while we adjust and bond with our baby. Also, now that we turned the spare room into the nursery, when you do come you will have to sleep on the couch if you stay with us and we are just not sure when we will be ready overnight guests.

I know this is totally different than how you guys were when you had your kids, but I’m different and that’s ok. Different isn’t better or worse, just different. And we need to respect each other’s differences. Just like I hope you respect our decision, we respect your time and don’t want to string you along about when you should schedule your vacation. I know you both love us and want to be there for us, and we want you to be there, just when the time is right, that’s all. And without a crystal ball we won’t know when the time is right until after the baby is here.

Another reason for this is extra thought about planning has to do with the fact that you said you plan to use a week of vacation to come stay with us. I have a couple thoughts on that. First, I’m not sure how much notice you need to give to take a full week off and I honestly can’t say right now when I think that should be for either of you. And for you Sissy, the kids will be in school and you will have that to deal with; plus I know you and Eric are planning a vacation this summer, too, and I’d rather you use your vacation time for your family – God knows you all are overdue for one! And if you still have enough leftover to come see me, GREAT!

All that said, I have suggestion. Instead of trying to schedule a full week of vacation, which we can’t decide when that should even be, let’s plan on each of you coming for a long weekend sometime (TBD) after the baby is born. If you have the vacation time and want to visit for more than a long weekend, then maybe you could come visit a couple times … I’ll be off for 13 weeks – including over the holidays, so maybe you could come for a weekend in October, then a weekend in November, etc. You could still spend a “week” with us, but it would be spread out and we can still be flexible.

You both know I’m a planner and trying to figure this out has been a struggle, so I wanted to address it now, instead of right before or after the baby is here, when all Chris and I will want to be doing is focusing on the arrival of our baby boy. The whole point of having family come visit is to help out and relieve some of the stress for the new parents, right? ??

So, I hope that kind of explains it! I have no family or girlfriends that live here in St. Louis so it’s a big deal when someone comes to visit and I look forward to your visits – before baby and after baby.

[Anonymous]

Hell, I didn't want anyone around for at least a month. They can survive 14 days.

[Anonymous]

OP, I strongly encourage you to go with your gut instinct.

I had both sides fly in the weekend after I was discharged from the hospital. I had an early C-section from Pre-E, so no one was in the hospital with me but my husband for that first week. Honestly, it was perfect. It was our special time together as I was recovering and getting used to breastfeeding.

Once the guests came, I was a dervish. I still remember barely being able to walk and cleaning up the house for the guests! Crazy. And everyone LET ME HOST them when they came, which is also freaking crazy. It wasn't until the pediatrician told my mom specifically "you treat her like a QUEEN and don't let her do anything or lift a finger" that it woke her up to the fact that I was a new mom recovering from major surgery. My inlaws allowed me to bring them drinks, etc. and generally acted like houseguests.

It was my bad to act that way, but it was their bad to let me. The best thing is to know yourself and your needs and stick to them. Get settled in then parents can come. 2 weeks ain't nothing and the g-parents can cool it for that long.

[Anonymous]

It may be their 1st grandchild, but it's your 1st child. Remember that!

They'll be pissed not to be there, but they'll get over it.

We had a rule: all those present at conception could be at the birth and waiting for us when we got home. Since it was no one but us, it was no one but us.

Stick to your guns. You'll be happy you did. And if you feel even a smidge bad about it, do what I did and have another baby (when you're ready) and invite your parents up early to take care of DC1.

[Anonymous]

Wow! If they don't plan on helping, then they need to wait until you are back on your feet. We were fortunate, both moms took a week for the first two weeks. But it was made clear that they would be there to help us, so we could care for our baby. They cooked, cleaned, took the baby so I could shower or nap. They even cooked and froze meals for us. It was great and much appreciated. However, it sounds like they would just be there to see the baby and not be helpful. I would make them wait, so you can bond with your baby without worrying about having to entertain guests.

[Anonymous]

Do what is right for you and your husband - it is a big transition for you!

We had similar thoughts when I was pg with #1 - and our parents had a similar reaction. What we settled on was the grandparents/family visited one day in the hospital (we let my parents stay at our house since we were at the hospital) and then they came back later for a longer visit when we were ready. It was about two weeks (after DH's 2 weeks off) when my mom came, then my sister, etc. Each for a week.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read this entire thread, but I'm guessing I'm in the minority when I say that I think that you should let your parents at least have a short visit (why not at the hospital? then no "hosting" necessary) with the baby before the two week mark. Especially since you are willing to let friends drop by. I can't imagine how hurt I would be if my daughter let a friend see my first grandchild before me. Unless your parents are truly toxic, it sounds needlessly punitive to bar them from seeing the baby for 2 weeks.
When I was expecting, I also thought I would want to be alone with the baby and my husband for the first couple weeks (though I never thought of refusing visitors). Boy was I stupid Having my mom there in the beginning was key in so many ways - she took care of me while I took care of the baby, which enabled me to establish BFing, get some sleep, and just generally focus on healing. It also really helped to have someone there who had been through what I was going through. Your husband, unless he has a vagina, is not going to get it. My parents, ILs, and siblings all saw the baby within a day or two after she was born, and I love that. I'm glad that I can tell my daughter someday that all of these people saw her and hugged her just a short time after she came into this world. I really think viewing your child's birth only through the prism of your own wants is unfortunate - having a child means that your life becomes about everything but your own wants.
You have the rest of your child's life to set boundaries. Unless they are evil or you are unstable, giving your parents a short visit in the first two weeks is not going to ruin anything, and it will breed joy instead of hurt. Isn't that what you want your child's birth to be about?

[Anonymous]

If they're not going to help, then you don't want them around. But if they are inclined to be helpful (with the baby, with errands or around the house), you might want to let them visit the second week. My due date was 10/24 and my parents had to book airline tickets for a visit. The doctor told me that the longest he'd let me stay pregnant was the 30th, so we felt safe having them book their flight for November 1st. As it turned out, I had the baby on 10/23 and their timing was perfect. We had a week to bond and then my parents showed up and having them there allowed my DH to run errands and allowed me to nap and go to the gym and grocery shopping. His parents came out a day or two after my folks left.

I don't think you necessarily need a full two weeks to bond as a family - you'll be doing tons of bonding during your maternity leave and over the next 18 years. I also didn't feel like the baby was awake much during the first few weeks anyway - she was an eating, sleeping, pooping machine.

[Anonymous]

New poster. I've read through the whole thread and appreciate the various perspectives and insights. I've already struggled with my mother - who was devastated to learn that I hadn't planned (as she was thinking) for her to move here for weeks before and after delivery including a special support role for her during labor & delivery! For me it felt like a victory (one I even felt guilt about) to get her out of the delivery room. When she learned I wanted a doula...well! We'll have 6 grandparents descending on us and though they seem to think it will all work out I'm anticipating a bit of a train wreck. These comments have been helpful in giving me a little reality check. Thanks all.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read everything, so this might be redundant... a friend of mine told the grandparents to come and visit at the hospital, but after that they wanted to spend the next 2 weeks at home alone adjusting/bonding. That worked as a compromise so the grandparents got to see/hold the baby immediately, but the new parents got the space they needed at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any readers enjoy a 2-week blissful bubble with no visitors?

Yes, with all of our kids. If you don't have "difficult" parents you have no idea how their behavior (really OP, telling you already that they don't plan to help at all!!?? NOT typical of many grandparents) can cast a pall on what should be a really happy time. My mother is very passive aggressive and always has to be the center of attention. We wanted our baby to be the center of our attention. Had no parents visit for the first 2 weeks of so and it was a sweet and happy time without undue tension, ever heard of a "babymoon"?

[Anonymous]

I am the OP on this thread and can't believe it's risen to the top of the heap again! My son is now 10 months old, and I thought I'd provide an update on what we decided to do immediately after his birth.

We did keep both families at bay for just over a week. It wound up being a great decision for us, and my husband, who had initially been more ambivalent about this. was if anything happier than I was that we had our own time together. Our son ended up being re-hospitalized for a couple days after we were both discharged (nothing serious), and it was a tumultuous first week. We had the usual challenges with breastfeeding (everything worked out fine). I think we were both just really, really grateful to have time on our own to be together and figure things out and get to know our son a little before the family descended. We felt much more confident and comfortable by then. Not that we knew everything after a week, of course! We still don't. But having that first week to ourselves definitely made a difference.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I should add that both families survived and this had no effect on our relationship with them, as far as I could tell.