Parents pissed we don't want them visiting right after birth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: If my sister had a baby (this would be my first biological niece/nephew) and said she didn't want me there for a month, I truly can't imagine minding.

17:26 here. But would you mind if it were your own child that you couldn't see for a month? I'm guessing that this is the more appropriate comparison for a grandparent. This child is their link to the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say that, for me personally, the first few weeks for bonding, etc. was not that big of a deal. But, that is just me.

I agree with this. Bonding happens as it happens and having people there or not shouldn't affect the process. They won't be the ones feeding the baby. They won't be the ones up all night. To be honest, my first child seemed like an alien to me the minute they handed her to me - I thought "Oh my God, what have I done!" it took a while to bond with her but I don't chalk that up to having others around. Flash forward 5 years and we are very close and she is the most precious thing in the world.

For me, it would be a matter of not having people around while you and your husband "find your groove" as new parents. It certainly takes a lot of adjusting and having people there to get in the way can only make things worse.

Another issue is privacy. I had my in-laws stay with us after my first was born and was really uncomfortable about bfing in front of my father in law. I had to go up to my room to air out my boobs and resented the fact that I couldn't sit around with ice in my pants (yes, the fun!) when he was there. And we shared a bathroom, which was a nightmare for me. So, if you are uncomfortable about that I understand.

All that being said, if they are not staying the night and only coming for a little bit. That doesn't seem like a lot to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me if this is unreasonable, because I feel like I have no perspective on this...

I'm 6 months pregnant, and my husband and I (especially me) feel strongly that we'd like to have 10 days to 2 weeks by ourselves after the baby is born, just to bond and be together as a family. I know things will be crazy and we'll be exhausted, but I also feel like the together-ness at this time can be very special, and we'll still be running on adrenaline at this point. No visitors (except some local friends if they feel like dropping by).

My parents are not happy with this. They want to come immediately for a very brief stay. They have no interest in helping (they have said they do not believe I will need help b/c my husband will be here); they just want to see the baby. It's their first grandchild.

I don't have a great relationship with my parents, who tend to already have difficulty respecting boundaries and people who think differently than they do, but perhaps I am not being fair. What do you think? My husband is on board with whatever I want and annoyed with my parents for not respecting my/our wishes. His parents are also fine waiting a couple weeks to visit and coming after my parents do--but it's not their first grandchild, so maybe that makes a difference.

I feel like if my parents come then his parents will come right away, and then we'll have a bunch of visitors immediately, which is exactly what we don't want. This is bumming me out.

OP, I have not read the rest of this thread, but here are my thoughts: JUST SAY NO!! My in-laws insisted on coming to see the baby (their first grandchild) a few days after he was born. I still have not forgiven them for this intrusion, nor have I forgiven my DH for letting them come. He felt helpless to stop them, given how extraordinarily excited they were about seeing the baby. They claimed they "HAD" to come right after the birth because they were bearing gifts: stroller, playpen and high chair. (I did not need these items in the first few weeks.)

OP, It was a HORRIBLE experience. I was struggling with that lovely post-partum yetch (you'll find out), trying to breastfeed (not going well), NO SLEEP, and I had my passive-aggressive in-laws hovering around oogling the baby (but not offering to help with anything.) They made jokes about poopy diapers, and then handed the baby to DH or ME. They brought some food (bought brownies, which I don't eat), and then expected me or DH to feed them dinner!

DH and I were adjusting to this enormous change in our lives, and having his parents in the house was excruciating. You are feeling extremely vulnerable just after you have a baby, and when it's your first, you are absolutely overwhelmed. I don't like my in-laws, so that made it much, much worse. They do not respect my feelings, make inappropriate jokes, and are basically oblivious to my feelings.

This was TEN years ago, and the wound is still fresh. Don't let your parents come until you have settled in with the baby, at least two weeks, or more if you are having trouble nursing or with anything else. Your parents have waited nine months to see the baby -- they can wait a few weeks more. Far better to offend them than to ruin those glorious and irreplaceable first few days with your new baby.

By the time they left, two days later, I was

[Anonymous]

oops, meant to delete that last sentence fragment

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand where you are coming from. I have some friends who had amazingly supportive, helpful families and they could not understand why my brother and I both decided not to have families at the house in the week or two post-birth. My sis-in-law had a huge post-partum meltdown, and my mom snapped at her and left in a rage (poor sis was just sleep deprived, recovering from a rough labor, and dealing with the baby blues. She didn't need someone getting high and mighty with her). My husband and I learned from this, and we opted not have either set up parents there immediately. You wouldn't believe the grief some people gave us. Those same people, though, wouldn't believe the level of dysfunction at any given family dinner.

If you feel it is best for your stress level, give yourself and your husband a little bit of time. A two week wait isn't going to kill anybody. If people don't understand that, they are typically a) the people on insisting on visiting but not helping or b) people who have functioning families.

[Anonymous]

OP here (I disappeared for a bit but am still reading all your replies!): Thanks again for this wealth of responses, including those from people who disagree with me or are thinking of ways around this--it is helpful to hear all perspectives.

To the PP who asked how I would feel if deprived of seeing my child for a month (I agree with you that the sister analogy probably wasn't a good one)--I guess my feeling is, this is not my parents' child. I don't at all underestimate how excited they are, or how much love they will feel for their grandchild, but they are not the primary caregivers, not the ones living with the child, etc. Of course it is hard for me to put myself in their shoes here. For me this is all against a background of parents tend not to respect my boundaries and tend to focus on their own needs without trying to balance those with the needs of others. So it's possible I'm being a bit more touchy here than I might be with someone else (say, my ILs, who I love dearly and have few issues with, even when I disagree with them).

Maybe "bonding" isn't the right way to describe what I'm anticipating in that first week or two--I like the description of pp who said it was about finding your groove, and others who said it was about beginning to find a new equilibrium with your husband. I also agree with all of you about minimizing stress where possible, which is definitely one reason for the buffer zone in this first brief time, I do think that will help me alot.

On the one hand, I agree with those of you who say that if they're coming very briefly, this really isn't a big deal and I should suck it up (though all of you said it more nicely than that). On the other, I think part of this for me is a matter of principle--I love my parents, but they have difficulty respecting my wishes when they differ from their own, and this is a clear example of that. I think it's important to convey, as nicely as I can, that what is best for my husband and myself (and by extension the baby) immediately after birth is what matters most, and that we would love to see them 10 days or so later and they will have plenty of time with the baby. Setting that precedent here feels just as important to me as considering the pros and cons of the actual visit.

I hope this makes sense, feel free to let me know if you have any more thoughts! It is very helpful to know that others want this time alone too, I wasn't sure how common it was.

[Anonymous]

I am floored your mom doesn't want to help you.

You don't need guests - you need help. If they don't intend to help, absolutely I think you are being reasonable in asking them to give you guys some time alone.

Moms should come with casseroles, and be prepared to do laundry, cook, groceries, clean, etc. I'm sorry but that's the way it should be!

My mom was adamant that she would do household chores and let us bond with the baby - well, that didn't exactly happen as she was all over the baby! But I didn't mind, especially since I was BF so had the baby attached to me plenty in those early weeks. But still, I think if you parents come and expect to be guests, you have every right not to want them to come right away.

[Anonymous]

OP here--I do think if we told my mom and dad, please do X, Y, and Z, they would. I just don't think that's in their minds right now. They seem to have this idea that help will not be needed, and their main interest is certainly in seeing the baby and not in helping (which I can sort of understand). But if we requested help, I think (hope) they would take us up on that. So yes, they are thinking of themselves as guests, not helpers--but that may be due more to obliviousness than willfully rejecting being helpful to us.

[Anonymous]

Here's what I'm planning to do, but this is my first so we'll see how it works out and I welcome advice from anyone who has tried this. Grandparents on both sides live out of state (NJ and MI) are welcome to drive in and come to the hospital to see the baby after birth and stay at our apartment for the first night or two while we are at the hospital. Then everyone needs to clear out by the time we come home so that we can have the place to ourselves. More lengthy and intimate visits are welcome after two weeks when husband returns to work.

I figure this will give them their chance to see the first grandbaby right away. I also think it will be nice to have them at the hospital to share our joy. But then we have our private bonding and recovery time.

My mom is on board with this. I don't know how that is going to go over with the in-laws or how exactly I tell them that's what is allowed, but I think they should be ok with it.

[Anonymous]

Not OP, but I've posted before on this thread. My mom and in-laws keep promising me that she only wants to come to help with the chores, to make dinner, do laundry, and other things like that. But the truth is, I really don't need help with those things. I plan to get a once a week housekeeper to help keep the house from looking like the Wreck of the Hesperus, but if we can't handle a newborn, laundry every now and again, and keeping sufficiently on top of dishes to eat in sanitary conditions with two of us home on maternity / paternity leaves, I truly fear for my future. Both sets of parents would be coming for one reason -- to spend time with the new baby. I want them to have time to bond with baby, and they will have that time. However, as the parents, the first two weeks are for us. They are reserved for our little family to get used to one another and for my DH and I to adjust in our new roles of being mommy and daddy. I am a solitary person by nature and, while we treasure time with our families, even on my best days I can only handle so much socializing and then I want to escape. Some people are like this, no matter how sweet their families may be, and it's up to them to ensure that they don't get themselves in a bad situation after a baby is born, with family all around and potentially underfoot.

There was a poster earlier who tried to make the analogy "how would you feel if you couldn't see your own child for a month" to describe how a grandparent would be feeling and that is just utter nonsense. The fact is, this is a grandchild, not a child. The grandparent (hopefully) did NOT have to wait a month to see his or her own child. This is not their own child and if they are at all confused about this, then the battle over when they are going to come and visit is going to be the LEAST of someone's grandma / grandpa problems!

My in-laws and parents will be invited to come and stay (at hotels, and we will do this at our expense, if necessary) after we have had sufficient time with the baby. Remember that everyone is different and the needs of the mom in this sensitive time trump the needs of grandma and grandpa period. There will be times when compromise is in order. This is not one of those times.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar issue. DH and I wanted at least a week alone with our baby to bond, get into a routine, etc. My parents respected that wish (partially due to distance), but my in-laws did not. What we did to compromise was to allow them to visit with the baby briefly at the hospital, but they HAD to stay at a hotel, and could not come home with us. That way, they were able to see the baby right away, hold her, etc., but they didn't get underfoot or too intrusive around the house (especially when you're recovering from childbirth, etc.).

Everyone came to visit about 2-3 weeks later, and it was so much nicer to have a break!

So, my advice: get them a hotel room. Do not give them a key. Stick to your guns, remember you're starting YOUR family now.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I had a week to ourselves with our newborn and it was the best thing we ever did!!! I loved that we had that time together to bond, just like you envison having OP. It was amazing. My parents came when our son was one week old and they helped A LOT, but honestly it was the first week home where it was "just us" that was the best and most relaxing. Stick to your guns OP, it's YOUR decision when they can come to visit. You won't regret having that time to yourselves with your new little person!
I should also add that my In-Laws came for the day when the baby was 4 days old "just to see the baby". The first thing they did after seeing him was plop on the couch and turn on a basketball game (loudly). I was so happy when they left!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--I do think if we told my mom and dad, please do X, Y, and Z, they would. I just don't think that's in their minds right now. They seem to have this idea that help will not be needed, and their main interest is certainly in seeing the baby and not in helping (which I can sort of understand). But if we requested help, I think (hope) they would take us up on that. So yes, they are thinking of themselves as guests, not helpers--but that may be due more to obliviousness than willfully rejecting being helpful to us.

They sound similar to my in-laws. My advice: When they do come, and hopefully for your sake it will be at least 1 week after you give birth, tell them that they're help IS needed and that they will be in charge of X, Y, or Z ( making dinner, laundry, etc) I have found that with my In Laws they have had a lot of trouble realizing that it is no longer about their visit but about our baby. Once I started asking for their help and giving them a task it was like they finally got that we have a baby now and it's not the same as it used to be.
good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: If my sister had a baby (this would be my first biological niece/nephew) and said she didn't want me there for a month, I truly can't imagine minding.

17:26 here. But would you mind if it were your own child that you couldn't see for a month? I'm guessing that this is the more appropriate comparison for a grandparent. This child is their link to the future.

What a load of crap.

[Anonymous]

Let me preface this by saying that I can see OP's desire to have a little time before the relatives start arriving. But my comment is about a common theme that I see in threads like these (as much if not more from responders, not the OPs).

There's just so much talk about boundaries and control. Maybe it's a DC thing -- we're all a little Type A. It occurs to me, though, that many of the best, most rewarding, most poignant moments of my life have been completely uncontrolled, unplanned.

Some of the sweetest times in life are just plain messy. I'm afraid that we all may be missing out on the good stuff.