Parents pissed we don't want them visiting right after birth

[Anonymous]

Yes, but "the good stuff" does not include having people intrude on your privacy and peace post-childbirth. It really doesn't.

[Anonymous]

I just disagree.

Learning how to handle a newborn from my mom (on the first day home from the hospital) was priceless to me. I'm know that I would have figured things out and "got into a groove" as a PP said. But it was so rewarding. Having my dad come in and take our newborn from me when I was practically crying from exhaustion was also memorable. When I emerged from my room, the two of them were asleep together on the couch. Having my sister participate in baby's first bath when I was scared he'd slip out of my hands -- also "good stuff."

The benefit of all that (and it has kept on going) is that these family members feel truly bonded to the baby. I love that he has that many more people who are emotionally invested in him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just disagree.

Learning how to handle a newborn from my mom (on the first day home from the hospital) was priceless to me. I'm know that I would have figured things out and "got into a groove" as a PP said. But it was so rewarding. Having my dad come in and take our newborn from me when I was practically crying from exhaustion was also memorable. When I emerged from my room, the two of them were asleep together on the couch. Having my sister participate in baby's first bath when I was scared he'd slip out of my hands -- also "good stuff."

The benefit of all that (and it has kept on going) is that these family members feel truly bonded to the baby. I love that he has that many more people who are emotionally invested in him.

I'm not OP or the most recent few posters. I get it that some of the best things in life are messy and spontaneous and totally agree. I also think that it is true (as the post I am quoting testifies) that many families truly benefit from having their extended families visit and help. But what makes you think that is best for anyone else? We all have different family dynamics. Some people come from very dysfunctional families, some come from loving and inclusive families. Some are tight-knit, some are not. Some people are nervous and overwhelmed with a new baby, and some are not.

i can't speak for OP, but I have a lot of experience with babies (though certainly not my own) and I'm not afraid that my baby is going to break or slip out of my hands. I'm sure I'll be exhausted, but I'm preparing for it, and the last thing I WOULD want around me when I was so exhausted is a family that I'm not that close too, hovering. I don't want to have an ice pack in my pants in front of my father in law. I don't want to breast-feed in front of my MIL or even my mother. I'm private. So is DH. So what sounds like a loving family embrace to the poster above would be a nightmare to me. It's not that I do not love my family, and it is not about control, being type A, or some fear of things getting "messy." It is about having the foresight, ahead of time, to understand I am not likely to function well with all of those people hovering about, and protecting my family's needs during those first few precious days. There is no reason to feel bad about that, especially under some silly concept of being afraid to let things get messy, or because someone else with a different personality and family dynamic is convinced what worked for her should work for everyone.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the relationship you have with your parents. If I trusted my mother to be able to teach me anything about parenting, I might have wanted her around right after the birth. But I have a more distant relationship with my parents, we don't see eye to eye on many aspects of parenting, and they had no problem with coming after two weeks. I wanted what some PPs have said -- to become comfortable with my baby, establish breastfeeding, and feel like we had things under control -- before I had anyone else staying with us. Also DH had to go back to work after two weeks, and since we were only going to get 10 days to 2 weeks of my parents' help, it was better for it to be when I didn't already have help at home from DH. Similarly, my in-laws did not have a problem waiting until the baby was 5 or 6 weeks old before they came out (they live in CA and this was their third grandchild, but they are very good about respecting boundaries). I consider myself pretty lucky that both my parents and in-laws are not pushy or overbearing. I hear so many stories about those who are, and I just think that my parents know better than to meddle because I've been drawing boundaries with them for many years. If you think that you want the two weeks, then put your foot down, because you're probably right. It was a great decision for us to put off visitors until we got a sense of what was what. That first week especially was crazy, guests wouldn't have been able to sleep well, and the second week we started to develop a little more of a routine. Good luck managing the politics of this, but don't back down!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me preface this by saying that I can see OP's desire to have a little time before the relatives start arriving. But my comment is about a common theme that I see in threads like these (as much if not more from responders, not the OPs).

There's just so much talk about boundaries and control. Maybe it's a DC thing -- we're all a little Type A. It occurs to me, though, that many of the best, most rewarding, most poignant moments of my life have been completely uncontrolled, unplanned.

Some of the sweetest times in life are just plain messy. I'm afraid that we all may be missing out on the good stuff.

OP here again. This is really nicely put. What's interesting to me, though, is that when I think of all the craziness and the things we can't control with a new baby (which I fully embrace), I think (and smile about) sharing them with my husband--not my parents. I have such a tense, mixed relationship with them that it's difficult for me to get my brain in this frame of mind.

I want those moments, and I recognize that they'll happen no matter what I do. I just don't see that having my family there when those moments come will make them more special. Especially since my parents are much bigger control freaks than I am!

Not sure if I'm exactly addressing your point but this is what it made me think of.

[Anonymous]

" I have such a tense, mixed relationship with them that it's difficult for me to get my brain in this frame of mind."

This is reason enough to set this boundary, imo.

[Anonymous]

I just disagree.

Learning how to handle a newborn from my mom (on the first day home from the hospital) was priceless to me. I'm know that I would have figured things out and "got into a groove" as a PP said. But it was so rewarding. Having my dad come in and take our newborn from me when I was practically crying from exhaustion was also memorable. When I emerged from my room, the two of them were asleep together on the couch. Having my sister participate in baby's first bath when I was scared he'd slip out of my hands -- also "good stuff."

The benefit of all that (and it has kept on going) is that these family members feel truly bonded to the baby. I love that he has that many more people who are emotionally invested in him.

That's great for you, seriously, but that has no bearing on the OP and her relationship with her parents and her desired experience after the baby's birth. I knew myself well enough to know that if my in-laws had been there immediately after the baby's birth, I would have felt anxious, worried, annoyed, and distracted. They are wonderful people and those sweet moments might have been good stuff to them, but they would NOT have been to me. Far from it.

And do you really think that your parents are more bonded to the baby because they were there immediately after the birth and not a week or two later? Really? Why? My parents and in-laws didn't come until the baby was one week old and I can assure that it hasn't stunted their love for our child or prevented any bonding. They were "emotionally invested" in the baby before she was even born. A few days wasn't going to change that for better or for worse as far as they're concerned, but it meant wonders for my sanity and calm.

It sounds nice to say that we're missing the good stuff by exerting too many boundaries and too much control, and I appreciate the sentiment, but in this case I just don't think it's apt. It certainly wasn't in my case.

[Anonymous]

Now I am feeling really guilty. I don't have a relationship with my mother, so my parents won't see the child at all. We told my in-laws they could come after 6 weeks.

[Anonymous]

This is such an interesting discussion...my MIL is coming at three weeks and I'm not exactly looking forward to it because I'm not close to her, she smokes (I don't want her touching the baby after smoking!) and she's just itching to see a grandbaby...never mind helping me. Last night she emailed me and told me she is a "wreck" with nerves waiting for the baby to arrive. Good god.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you care if they stayed elsewhere? Would you mind them "dropping by" for 30 minutes and holding the baby while you went to take a nap? (After all, you said you'd let friends drop by.)

I can understand having no one stay with you unless they're willing and able to help out--and stay out of the way when you want them to. But not allowing them to see the baby sounds a bit punitive. I'm all for setting boundaries, but it seems like there might be a way to involve these excited grandparents-to-be without being a strain on you.

I'm biased on this--had help from my mom and loved it. But I'm wondering how many people who have lived through it would really say that those first 10-14 days alone (just mom, dad, and baby) really added to the bonding that much. We wanted time to bond the first day or so, but I can't imagine that the three of us alone in the apartment for 2 weeks would have been that blissful.

Any readers enjoy a 2-week blissful bubble with no visitors?

Not allowing them to see the newborn baby for weeks is cruel so unless they did something absolutely terrible it's rather extreme. terrible meaning they could have gone to prison. After labor you might need to go to the doctor for a variety of things. You might want a hair appt and facial. The baby is a person and a family member. As time goes by that child might have a different perspective on some relatives than you.

[Anonymous]

"There's just so much talk about boundaries and control. Maybe it's a DC thing -- we're all a little Type A."

I don't think this is what is going on here. As moms have kids later in life there is a larger age gap with the grandparents. There is a different relationship with a 20 year old new mom and her 40 year old mom than there is with a 35-40 year old mom and her 60-70 year old mom. Think about this and remember when you were in your 20s and your mom visted you and bought groceries. Now think about recent events where you are managing your aging parents finances, and visits are still wonderful but you are taking care of them. This is a natural progression but with a newborn it is hard to take care of a new baby and the grandparents.

Mature moms have established, independence and more boundaries already. There is no reason why this should be thrown to the wind and not allow the mom time to bond with her child without the grandparents. With the larger age gap there also is a big difference between how kids were raised and safety standards and with a 40 year gap many grandparents don/t remember how to be helpful.

[Anonymous]

I'm a pp who thinks that some of this boundary-setting really looks punitive to an outside observer.

I often see posts from people complaining that older grandparents aren't very involved with the grandchildren. I wonder how much of that is a result of the all the boundary-setting by the parents? Clearly, it's harder if the grandparents aren't able or willing to be a caregiver, either to the parent or child. But why contribute to that distance at a time when they can come and cuddle the baby, sing it lullabies, and then be gently escorted out the door. (Baby and mommy need to sleep. Feel free to come by at the same time tomorrow.)

Seems like the infant stage is a time to encourage that grandparental bonding, when it can be done in the parents' home for short periods of time. Does anyone thing it will be easier with 2-year-olds racing around?

[Anonymous]

Not OP but I've posted before and now I've officially lost patience. Let me ask you, every one of you posters who keep yammering on about how it's mean to keep the grandparents away for (OH MY GOD) two weeks while baby, daddy, and mommy have a chance to bond / get into their groove / take their much needed privacy.

Do you really think you know what is best for OP? She has a tense relationship with her parents and has said having them there would make her feel stressed. Do you think it is good for a new mom to feel even more stressed than she might already feel? Do you really think you know better about her situation and what is best for her than she does? Many other posters have chimed in that they were very happy they did not have their parents. Some people do not have the happy, warm, glowing family experience that you talk about. Some MILs and mothers may not have done something prison-worthy, but they still manage to make their DILs, SILs and children feel tense. Others simply want some time and space. There is nothing wrong with that! My question is, if OP thinks it will make her miserable, do you think she should do it anyway? So in that case, the needs of the grandma trump the needs of the new mom? That's so uncool. And if grandparents punish a grandchild by not being involved in its life because mom and dad wanted a 10 day window of time to themselves with their new babies, then those grandparents should grow up. Stop trying to make OP guilty for making a good decision for her family just because it is not the one you might make. People are different, everyone, time to wake up. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a pp who thinks that some of this boundary-setting really looks punitive to an outside observer.

I often see posts from people complaining that older grandparents aren't very involved with the grandchildren. I wonder how much of that is a result of the all the boundary-setting by the parents? Clearly, it's harder if the grandparents aren't able or willing to be a caregiver, either to the parent or child. But why contribute to that distance at a time when they can come and cuddle the baby, sing it lullabies, and then be gently escorted out the door. (Baby and mommy need to sleep. Feel free to come by at the same time tomorrow.)

Seems like the infant stage is a time to encourage that grandparental bonding, when it can be done in the parents' home for short periods of time. Does anyone thing it will be easier with 2-year-olds racing around?

And another thing, we've already talked about the fact that some grandparents don't just want to come and cuddle the baby and leave when it is appropriate and don't leave happily when they're asked to. And many moms don't want to have to make that stand "leave now" when they're already dealing with a lot of new things. You're just assuming such an idyllic situation and I suppose you're very lucky if that is how it is in your family but are you really so naive to think it just works that way in every family? Please, PP, PLEASE. Come over for thanksgiving dinner at my mom's house sometime. Bring the popcorn. You'll just love the drama, love how my sister usually ends up in tears from my mom picking at her parenting style, etc. Sorry, not for me! And even if it's not "that bad" between OP and her parents, she deserves her own time and space. What is it to you to try to make her feel bad about it?

Your last sentence really didn't even make any sense to me -- nobody is talking about holding the grandparents off until the child is two years old so why exaggerate like that? Such a load of crap. Are you the one who thinks that a grandparent not seeing the baby is comparable to being kept away from your own baby for a month?

[Anonymous]

I often see posts from people complaining that older grandparents aren't very involved with the grandchildren. I wonder how much of that is a result of the all the boundary-setting by the parents? Clearly, it's harder if the grandparents aren't able or willing to be a caregiver, either to the parent or child. But why contribute to that distance at a time when they can come and cuddle the baby, sing it lullabies, and then be gently escorted out the door. (Baby and mommy need to sleep. Feel free to come by at the same time tomorrow.)

Seems like the infant stage is a time to encourage that grandparental bonding, when it can be done in the parents' home for short periods of time. Does anyone thing it will be easier with 2-year-olds racing around?

I've posted before a couple of times about how I didn't want my in-laws there the first week but they came a day early anyway. For the record, I have never (on this site or elsewhere in the world) complained about uninvolved grandparents. Never. They are very involved. They are wonderful. I love my parents and I love my in-laws. All are bonded to my daughter, they all love her, I love seeing them together, everyone involved has a very good relationship.

BUT. I still didn't want my in-laws there when I arrived home with my new baby, for a variety of reasons! I just didn't want that! One extra week (or two, or whatever the OP or anyone else decides is best for her own family) is not going to impact bonding with the extended family, but it sure as heck might impact mom's peace of mind. Will the family be impatient? Yes. They can and will deal.

There is a HUGE difference between asking for a week or two to recover and settle in and not allowing the grandparents to come during "the infant stage."

One of my cousins adopted a 14-month-old. That child is as bonded to her grandparents as their biological grandchildren whom they saw the day they were born. To suggest that a visit during the first couple of weeks prevents adequate bonding is bunk.