Parents pissed we don't want them visiting right after birth

[Anonymous]

With both kids I didn't have my mom come until the baby was 2 or 3 weeks old. By that time, my husband had gone back to work and I needed an extra set of hands. I don't understand why people have their parents visit when your husband is off of work.

I loved it though. It was so nice having the time with my husband and new baby(s)...but then also being able to look forward to the help coming shortly! By 2/3 weeks you need a break and you need a nap, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP again--Thanks everyone for all these comments, I am so glad to know I am not alone in feeling this way! I agree with pp who says it's nice to be able to look forward to help coming once the husband heads back to work. I will plan, for now, to stick to my guns and see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

If you are in the minority, so am I. I will have only 6 weeks off with my baby. My husband is taking the first two weeks as paternity leave. We live in a small urban space and I do not want to be worried about bothering someone by moaning in pain, spending too much time in the shower, etc. The first two weeks with my husband and the baby will be OUR only time. My mom, my sister and in-laws can all come later. I would like my mother in law to come the first week(s) I go back to work--more time for her with the baby and a real help to us.

[Anonymous]

Just one more perspective here. I planned everything out in advance, including putting out the word that we'd be limiting visitors. When DC arrived, I was so jubilant that I wanted a marching band and parade to celebrate. I looked around my hospital room and it was waayyy too quiet for me. Where were all the people who were supposed to share in my joy? Just voices on the phone.

I got home, and wished that I had someone (more than DH who felt entitled to sleep and be on the computer far too much) to talk to during that 6th or 7th hour of nursing in one day.

Beware of what you want. You just may get it.

[Anonymous]

PP is right, to an extent. Having a new baby, especially for first time moms, is not so easy. You might want extra hands, even to do dishes or chores. It doesn't seem like a lot of work to care for a baby, who is suppose to sleep 22 hours day, but it's unbelievable. Hard to explain. I had my dear husband, who was on board 100%, and my MIL live with us for 6 months, and it still seemed like we didn't have enough hands to go around. That new little baby takes up a lot of time! Not to mention the isolation. I had images of me and my dh, sitting in front of a fire, late at night, relaxing, watching a movie-because our little one would be sleeping, and of course, I was on leave. It was months before we watched a movie.

[Anonymous]

I was kind of like 20:50 in that I was really happy to have people come over right away - even my in laws. I was kind of surprised to feel this way. That being said, everyone who came to visit after each of my kids came home brought food, beer, wine, and everything else that we needed for a pleasant visit. I didn't have to take care of anyone and was glad about that. The other thing is that most visitors respected boundaries I set. Just sharing my experience in case it gives you something more to think about. Not criticizing your plan. Congratulations on your first baby.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Let me stick my neck out and say that I disagree with the majority of the responses here.

It's a NEW BABY. It's their FIRST GRANDCHILD. Of course they want to come right away to see the baby, their grandbaby! Wouldn't you? And as much as you want to bond for a few days or weeks, it's not the same as seeing a brand new baby.

I agree with 17:26 that a good alternative would be to see if they would stay elsewhere and drop by for little visits just to hold the baby. I can assure you you will still get that bonding experience even if you have visitors dropping by or staying with you for a day or so.

Just my $0.02.

[Anonymous]

OP here again--to the PP who said I may want those extra sets of hands--I can certainly see that perspective, too. I think my parents and I know my IL's would be happy to come earlier if we decided that would make our lives easier. I would certainly be able to admit that I made a mistake and misjudged how I'd feel.

To 21:51: I just don't agree with this. I honestly see little difference in seeing a baby at 1 day versus at 2 weeks. Obviously I am not a grandparent, but I was trying to think about this in terms of other relatives (though maybe this is a bad analogy). If my sister had a baby (this would be my first biological niece/nephew) and said she didn't want me there for a month, I truly can't imagine minding. It's not like the baby will care. It's not like it has anything to do with the relationship I would hope to establish over time with that child, which is so much more important. I would feel that my sister needs to do what is best for her and her nuclear family, to recover, learn to breastfeed, whatever, and if she wants her alone time, no problem. I would absolutely respect that and not take it personally.

But this is sort of where my original question came from--trying to understand if this is a delusional or selfish way to think. Because honestly, this is how I would feel if I were on the other side, to the extent I can imagine that.

I also think what you're suggesting depends a great deal on the relationship one has with one's parents currently. Some people want their moms in the delivery room. Some wouldn't consider it. It all depends.

[Anonymous]

21:51 here.

Maybe there's nothing physically different about seeing a baby at day 1 versus 2 weeks...but if I knew the baby was in this world and I was being prevented from seeing him/her, I'd be chomping at the bit (granted, patience is not my strong suit ). As for the analogy to sister's baby...I do believe a grandbaby has a special significance to a grandparent. If you would allow local friends to come over, why not allow the baby's grandparents to meet him/her as long as they are willing to keep the visits short and within your boundaries?

That being said, I do not have a good relationship with either my mom nor my MIL. I did not manage to keep either away after the birth, and now I am glad. Seeing someone love on your brand new baby, knowing they will also have a relationship with your child, and knowing you did what you could to get it off on the right foot...that was worth it to me. I honestly believe it improved my relationships with both mom and MIL.

[Anonymous]

Maybe there's nothing physically different about seeing a baby at day 1 versus 2 weeks...but if I knew the baby was in this world and I was being prevented from seeing him/her, I'd be chomping at the bit (granted, patience is not my strong suit ).

This was how my in-laws felt (I'm a PP), and I understand that to a certain extent. My in-laws also really wanted to be here so they could help us. However, we told them (and I firmly believed, and still believe) the best way for them to help us was to let us have some time with the baby before they came to see us. In our case, we just asked for a week and even that was too much for them (as I posted earlier, they came a day earlier than they agreed). I know my parents were also dying to see the baby, but what they wanted most was to make things easiest on us, and that meant waiting a few days.

I had a terrible labor, and I was frankly a wreck after the baby was born. I wanted MY mother and my husband and no one else. Yes, it would be nice and generous of the OP to allow the family members (in-laws or parents or whoever wants) to see the baby as soon as possible, but it's REALLY important to also be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to recover. People are correct that you don't exactly know what you'll want or need when it's your first baby, but you might come pretty darn close. I did. I know myself well, as I'm sure that OP does, and it might very well be the case that the best thing for her is to be home with her husband and baby with no parental visits for a little bit. If that's the case, there is nothing wrong with standing by that, standing firm, and expecting her parents to respect her wishes.

[Anonymous]

I too am with you, OP. If you know NOW that you won't visitors, then go with that. I thought maybe I wouldn't, but chose to invite my mom after a close friend said how helpful it was to have someone there to help. We didn't need help. We needed time as a new threesome. Stick to your guns. This will be the first of many times you'll have to do this ... and it's not unfair to your kid(s);.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Also... it's not a delusional or selfish way to think. Your relationship with your husband will change after the baby comes, and you will need to nurture that new relationship right away, with the new baby and no one else around.

As far as needing help....as long as your husband will be home from work, you'll be fine. Yeah, maybe there will be a few more dishes around longer than usual. But it's totally worth it. Stick to your guns!

[Anonymous]

I don't agree with 21:51 either, though she couldn't be nicer in the way she's saying this, so please don't take any of this the wrong way, 21:51. I think OP was actually asking for the other side's perspective, so that comment was helpful, but at the same time, OP, this is probably one time when you just don't have to be altruistic. My sister, in-laws, and mom all want desperately to come the week the baby is born. They have tried everything from guilt to telling me I don't know myself ("you will need help, trust me," says my MIL). And yet, like another poster, I know myself, too. I don't have visions of quiet evenings by the fire with DH and a sleeping infant, and I guess I am lucky in that my DH would never dream of leaving me alone to go mess around on the computer or something else. I don't really have any idea what to expect -- a crying 24/7 baby who won't let us so much as shower or a sleeping baby that inspires us to want visitors. No matter what, I know I won't want visitors that i can't turn on and off like a tap. As much as it sounds nice to have family come in from out of town only to stay in a hotel, that sounds like asking for trouble. How is OP going to handle it if mom and dad have a hotel but nonetheless spend every waking moment at the house? Visitors are visitors and if you're not up for them, it can ruin a time that should be spent recovering, focusing inward (on your new family) and adjusting.

[Anonymous]

Do what is best for you. The grands will get over it. Send lots of pictures, and plan for their visit (ie, the 2nd weekend after baby's due date). Frame it as positively as possible - "we want to save your help for when hubby has to go back to work"

The other thing to remember is that you don't have to call them right away when you go to the hospital. Call after the baby has been born and you can say, things were so crazy, we didn't have a chance to call. This will at least prevent them from showing up during labor. This assumes you are not having a scheduled section.

With my first I had a scheduled section and my in-laws thought they were invited to the operating room! Hello!?! you weren't invited to the conception and you are not invited to the birth! We were even very specific with both sets of parents, come Friday afternoon, by that time I"ll be out of recovery. In-laws made plane reservations for Thursday! My husband was great about it. He told them we wanted our last evening before the birth to be just ours and that if they came on Thursday, they would have to stay in a hotel or they could change their plane reservations to Friday. They opted for Thursday. Then they wanted to come with us to the hospital Friday AM. Again we had to say, no, we would rather you come later in the day.

Now that our son is 18 months old we are still having to be specific about boundaries. In our case, my FIL is a huge narcisist and a royal pain in the ass. He's emotionally exhausting to be around so we limit the time we spend with him.

I am now pregnant with baby #2 and have a history of bedrest. My mother and MIL have been really good about understanding that we want them to wait until later in the pregnancy to visit in the event I am on bedrest with a toddler. I think in no small part because we've been so very clear about what we want/need from them. And if I need to have a section this time around, we're telling them it is scheduled for 2 days after it is actually scheduled and we'll say, I went into labor early so that had to do an emergency section.

The bottom line is that the sooner you set boundaries and stick to them, the easier it will be.

[Anonymous]

Stick to your guns. My MIL and FIL were here for the third week of the baby's life, and they were more hindrance than help. Not only did DH feel obligated to make them nice dinners (so he couldn't help me all the time), but they just wanted to "play" with the baby, which is fine except newborns need to sleep, and I was always stuck with a cranky baby when they were finished. Tell them that the baby will be way more exciting if they wait longer (re: the baby won't need to sleep and eat all the time). You'll be much more relaxed when you only have to take care of the newborn and not visitors to boot. Good luck!