9 year old asked how gay people have sex.. How to respond?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting this thread OP. I have an 8 year old, and find all the responses very helpful!

My parents never talked to me about ANYTHING and I'm hoping to do better for my kid. It's tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We asked him why he asked. It was because another kid in the class has mentioned it during sex ed.

This sex ed must be pretty lousy if they're not being taught about sex for pleasure/intimacy.

If child is in public schools in Virginia, I promise you that it is, in fact, lousy. I've seen the curriculum. Very big on morality.

At age 9??? I don't think it needs to go beyond procreation at that age.

my nine year old asked the same question and we answered honestly. He just shrugged and walked away.

Fascinating

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would explain that sex is used both for procreation and to show intimacy or love and that gay people use it for the second. They kiss, hug and touch each others genitals to show that love and bond.

If he tries to pursue how they touch, then I would suggest that he wait until he has someone special that he feels very close to and wants to show that love and bond and then you'll continue the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would explain that sex is used both for procreation and to show intimacy or love and that gay people use it for the second. They kiss, hug and touch each others genitals to show that love and bond.

If he tries to pursue how they touch, then I would suggest that he wait until he has someone special that he feels very close to and wants to show that love and bond and then you'll continue the discussion.

you mean gay people use it only for the second...right? because knowing how literal minded some kids are this could easily send the message that straight people don't have sex for fun.

[Anonymous]

Why oh why would learning about "P in V" sex be age appropriate but learning about oral sex or anal sex would not? If you think "P in V" is natural and normal and other types of sex are not, let me assure you your child does not think that. All kinds of sex seem weird to a child.

Just tell them the facts that they want to know, or they will ask a peer and who knows what answer they will get.

[Anonymous]

So has anyone been very open with their 8 or 9 year old about sex, (PIV or otherwise) and explained the pleasure/recreational aspect of it only to have said child then ask, "So do you and mom (or dad) do that?"

I feel like this connection is inevitable...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So has anyone been very open with their 8 or 9 year old about sex, (PIV or otherwise) and explained the pleasure/recreational aspect of it only to have said child then ask, "So do you and mom (or dad) do that?"

I feel like this connection is inevitable...

so what if it is? You say "yes, we do." depending on their age and maturity evel they say nothing or they say GROOOOOOOOOSSS!!! and you move on.

You could even see it as a chance to, you know, educate your child and not just stop them from making you uncomfortable, by teaching them a positive lesson about sexuality.

[Anonymous]

OP here. First just want to thank everyone for their thoughts. It has been helpful to read the range of responses. (Cannot say I am closer to knowing what to do though.) DS didn't know a thing about any sort of sex just 6 weeks ago. He was really very grossed out by learning about sex for reproduction. So cannot imagine how the rest (hetero and gay) will go down along with the concurrent knowledge that it is not just for reproduction. It all seems to be a timing issue for me. He'll be fine in a few years but SO young at the moment. Well no one said parenting would be a walk in the park! I have read several vague answers that I like but I think my particular issue will be that he will dig for details. This other kid in his grade has opened it up sufficiently so that he has the notion that "something" is done and he'd like to know what it is.

[Anonymous]

Since there seems to be a number of people who have either a misunderstanding or no understanding homosexual sexual behavior, here is a 101. Contrary to what gay porn might suggest, fellatio is the most common form of homosexual sexual encounter. Oral sex includes oral stimulation of multiple erogenous zones including the genitals and can be performed solo (one partner to the other) or together (sixty-nine). After fellatio, the second most common form of sexual encounter is mutual masturbation which includes touching genitals, each individual servicing the other, or each individual servicing themselves. The least common form of sexual encounter is intercourse. This will include actual genital intercourse (as in male anal sex) and sex toys both frontal and dorsal.

These days with several decades of concern about sexually transmitted diseases, there is an increase in safe sexual practices. In 2007, two studies reported that the number of homosexuals who engaged in unprotected sex were similar to the number of heterosexuals who engaged in unprotected sex. Those that do engage in unprotected sex are commonly in a monogamous relationship or verify health status (DDF is commonly used to mean "Disease and Drug Free" and is commonly checked in hookup situations). But disease transmission is why the vast majority of homosexual encounters included prophylactics, sex toys and mutual masterbation.

A good starting point to learn more to discuss with your teens can be found at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_sexual_practices

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would explain that sex is used both for procreation and to show intimacy or love and that gay people use it for the second. They kiss, hug and touch each others genitals to show that love and bond.

If he tries to pursue how they touch, then I would suggest that he wait until he has someone special that he feels very close to and wants to show that love and bond and then you'll continue the discussion.

you mean gay people use it only for the second...right? because knowing how literal minded some kids are this could easily send the message that straight people don't have sex for fun.

Yes. That is what I meant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. First just want to thank everyone for their thoughts. It has been helpful to read the range of responses. (Cannot say I am closer to knowing what to do though.) DS didn't know a thing about any sort of sex just 6 weeks ago. He was really very grossed out by learning about sex for reproduction. So cannot imagine how the rest (hetero and gay) will go down along with the concurrent knowledge that it is not just for reproduction. It all seems to be a timing issue for me. He'll be fine in a few years but SO young at the moment. Well no one said parenting would be a walk in the park! I have read several vague answers that I like but I think my particular issue will be that he will dig for details. This other kid in his grade has opened it up sufficiently so that he has the notion that "something" is done and he'd like to know what it is.

OP, it sounds like the real issue is this other kid is making your kid feel pressured about this topic. He's not all that naturally curious but the friend claiming to know is making him anxious. Could it be that you're really dealing with a friendship issue here, and not a sex ed issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So has anyone been very open with their 8 or 9 year old about sex, (PIV or otherwise) and explained the pleasure/recreational aspect of it only to have said child then ask, "So do you and mom (or dad) do that?"

I feel like this connection is inevitable...

And that answer is "How do you think you were conceived?" You let it tie into the fact that it started with procreation. For many 8-9 yo, that answer may be enough. If you have a very curious child, you may have additional follow-up questions, but it really is up to the parents to decide how mature the individual child is to determine how far to answer questions. At that age, procreation should be enough, but YMMV and you will have to decide both what (s)he is ready for and how far you are willing to discuss and when.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since there seems to be a number of people who have either a misunderstanding or no understanding homosexual sexual behavior, here is a 101. Contrary to what gay porn might suggest, fellatio is the most common form of homosexual sexual encounter. Oral sex includes oral stimulation of multiple erogenous zones including the genitals and can be performed solo (one partner to the other) or together (sixty-nine). After fellatio, the second most common form of sexual encounter is mutual masturbation which includes touching genitals, each individual servicing the other, or each individual servicing themselves. The least common form of sexual encounter is intercourse. This will include actual genital intercourse (as in male anal sex) and sex toys both frontal and dorsal.

These days with several decades of concern about sexually transmitted diseases, there is an increase in safe sexual practices. In 2007, two studies reported that the number of homosexuals who engaged in unprotected sex were similar to the number of heterosexuals who engaged in unprotected sex. Those that do engage in unprotected sex are commonly in a monogamous relationship or verify health status (DDF is commonly used to mean "Disease and Drug Free" and is commonly checked in hookup situations). But disease transmission is why the vast majority of homosexual encounters included prophylactics, sex toys and mutual masterbation.

A good starting point to learn more to discuss with your teens can be found at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_sexual_practices

Oral sex and masturbation as the main events is just so...sad.

[Anonymous]

As was suggested here, providing insufficient answers will not stop the learning process until an age when the parent is more comfortable describing it...it will end up opening the door to other kinds of education that may or may not lead to your child getting accurate, unbiased info. Don't you want to take this opportunity to be the person who educates your child?
I think many of us wondered, guessed (wrongly, maybe) and then formulated views that were skewed by the media, by friends, by older siblings, by books, etc. Then, some of us carried those sometimes incorrect views into young adulthood (or longer). These bits of "knowledge" may have been attached to stigmas, biases, value judgments, and worse. So, upon learning that friends, family members, clergy, politicians, neighbors, sports heroes or other people we liked and admired were gay, then tried to unlearn some of the biased language, perhaps embarrassment or even disgust, to where we could get to a place in our heads that we once started from-- say, when we were nine.
How about saving your child years of misinformation and stereotyping and discrimination and just tell them the truth, the WHOLE truth! without embarrassment or judgment or censoring. Then, they will shrug, walk away, and it won't be a big deal. They might even tell their friends. Cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since there seems to be a number of people who have either a misunderstanding or no understanding homosexual sexual behavior, here is a 101. Contrary to what gay porn might suggest, fellatio is the most common form of homosexual sexual encounter. Oral sex includes oral stimulation of multiple erogenous zones including the genitals and can be performed solo (one partner to the other) or together (sixty-nine). After fellatio, the second most common form of sexual encounter is mutual masturbation which includes touching genitals, each individual servicing the other, or each individual servicing themselves. The least common form of sexual encounter is intercourse. This will include actual genital intercourse (as in male anal sex) and sex toys both frontal and dorsal.

These days with several decades of concern about sexually transmitted diseases, there is an increase in safe sexual practices. In 2007, two studies reported that the number of homosexuals who engaged in unprotected sex were similar to the number of heterosexuals who engaged in unprotected sex. Those that do engage in unprotected sex are commonly in a monogamous relationship or verify health status (DDF is commonly used to mean "Disease and Drug Free" and is commonly checked in hookup situations). But disease transmission is why the vast majority of homosexual encounters included prophylactics, sex toys and mutual masterbation.

A good starting point to learn more to discuss with your teens can be found at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_sexual_practices

Oral sex and masturbation as the main events is just so...sad.

I think you're probably used to people who don't enjoy performing oral sex performing it on you.