If your spouse has become a 'roommate' and you are just friends...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--I hope things have improved for you since this thread. Your post really struck a chord with me, too. DH and I have been going through this low sex/no sex thing for years. He complains about the lack of sex and I become less and less interested. Honestly, all the sex I feel like I sort of got pressured into since basically losing my sex drive only makes me feel resentful and therefore even less hopeful of ever being attracted to DH again. I don't think he realized how the pressuring was making me feel, I think he instead thought he was just having to work a little harder to get some sex.... but still.

We have had two or three nice/helpful conversations about this and probably 200 that have only added to my negative feelings. So at a loss at this point. At least it helps to know others are going through it, too.

My wife felt pressured too. Not sure I was handling it entirely correctly, but if I hadn't done the things that were perceived as pressure, the sex wouldn't have happened anyway. It's not like I was being a dick about it - demanding sex. I asked. I tried nonverbal initiations. I tried initiating more. I tried initiating less. I tried initiating during the day. I tried doing more chores. I tried date nights. I tried massages with no strings attached. I tried having conversations about how not having sex made me feel. Nada. And, before that, waiting around for her to be in the mood absolutely wasn't succeeding.

If the high drive spouse tries to have sex, it's pressure. If the high drive sex doesn't try to have sex, it doesn't happen. Pick your poison.

Right now, I'm back to a variant of "wait around until it occurs to her that sex is something married people should do" -- we've had sex once in the last five weeks.

You are much more patient than I am. When I want sex, I tell my husband to turn the TV off and come upstairs. I wouldn't let him go a week without it; otherwise, why stay monogamous?

I heart you PP. my DW and I just had sex after almost 2 weeks. Only cause I initiated physical contact and really was so turned on by her dress with no bra or panties. To be honest, had I not initiated might have been another couple of days.

Sometimes, I think I am being punished for my college days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--I hope things have improved for you since this thread. Your post really struck a chord with me, too. DH and I have been going through this low sex/no sex thing for years. He complains about the lack of sex and I become less and less interested. Honestly, all the sex I feel like I sort of got pressured into since basically losing my sex drive only makes me feel resentful and therefore even less hopeful of ever being attracted to DH again. I don't think he realized how the pressuring was making me feel, I think he instead thought he was just having to work a little harder to get some sex.... but still.

We have had two or three nice/helpful conversations about this and probably 200 that have only added to my negative feelings. So at a loss at this point. At least it helps to know others are going through it, too.

My wife felt pressured too. Not sure I was handling it entirely correctly, but if I hadn't done the things that were perceived as pressure, the sex wouldn't have happened anyway. It's not like I was being a dick about it - demanding sex. I asked. I tried nonverbal initiations. I tried initiating more. I tried initiating less. I tried initiating during the day. I tried doing more chores. I tried date nights. I tried massages with no strings attached. I tried having conversations about how not having sex made me feel. Nada. And, before that, waiting around for her to be in the mood absolutely wasn't succeeding.

If the high drive spouse tries to have sex, it's pressure. If the high drive sex doesn't try to have sex, it doesn't happen. Pick your poison.

Right now, I'm back to a variant of "wait around until it occurs to her that sex is something married people should do" -- we've had sex once in the last five weeks.

You are much more patient than I am. When I want sex, I tell my husband to turn the TV off and come upstairs. I wouldn't let him go a week without it; otherwise, why stay monogamous?

If you had a low drive spouse you'd understand. I simply can't demand sex from my husband. He won't get hard. I have to walk on eggshells around sex and about sex. If it comes up and I offend him he will make a nightmare out of it and yell at me. It is quite a predicament. Besides sex, I'm happy but something tells me the sex life is an indicator of the relationship. Not sure I buy that we have such a great marriage.

[Anonymous]

I would work on rekindling things. I would not consider divorce.

[Anonymous]

I am a low sex drive DW. I wish that I was more into it but I work a full time job, run after two small kids and have an elderly parent. At the end of the day I REALLY don't want any more demands on my time or me. Truth be told though I was never that in to sex. I used to enjoy it but I didn't need to have it. Now I would rather veg on the couch at the end of a long day than go through the motions with DH. But I love my DH, he is a good man, fit, kind, great father and pulls more than his fair share at home. Is there any way to increase my sex drive? I honestly wish there were a pill or something. I'm just not that into it. Would rather sleep or watch TV

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a low sex drive DW. I wish that I was more into it but I work a full time job, run after two small kids and have an elderly parent. At the end of the day I REALLY don't want any more demands on my time or me. Truth be told though I was never that in to sex. I used to enjoy it but I didn't need to have it. Now I would rather veg on the couch at the end of a long day than go through the motions with DH. But I love my DH, he is a good man, fit, kind, great father and pulls more than his fair share at home. Is there any way to increase my sex drive? I honestly wish there were a pill or something. I'm just not that into it. Would rather sleep or watch TV

See your doctor. I'm sure there is something that can be done. You are right to try to do something about this, and I applaud you for seeing how important this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you have 2 kids, do you just suck it up? We are literally just roommates. There is zero passion. We haven't had sex in 3 years. I don't quite know how this happened but it did... I am not sure what I am even asking but am depressed and sad.

Think you might be surprised how common this is. One of my closest friends is in this situation too..their kids are all in middle school/high. There unspoken agreement is to wait until the kids are graduated from HS and then they will likely move on their separate ways. Happens a lot.

It happens a lot, and in my opinion is even harder on kids than when they were younger. College freshmen are already going through so many changes, most of them need for home and family to be the same when they come home for breaks. Two of my college friends were crushed to come home for Thanksgving and Christmas only to find broken families. One blamed herself for leaving, the other stopped going home altogether.

If you are going to divorce, I'd do it sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

Can someone explain to me why sex is so important?? Honestly I love my DH but I resent having to service his needs when I am tired. I just honestly don't get why it is so important to him or if it is just a physical need that he has to take care of - kind of like when you get grumpy because you are hungry? I'm not trying to be an ass, I would just appreciate hearing the point of view from a DH who is unhappy with the lack of frequent sex. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone explain to me why sex is so important?? Honestly I love my DH but I resent having to service his needs when I am tired. I just honestly don't get why it is so important to him or if it is just a physical need that he has to take care of - kind of like when you get grumpy because you are hungry? I'm not trying to be an ass, I would just appreciate hearing the point of view from a DH who is unhappy with the lack of frequent sex. Thanks.

Why is sex important.

It should be the one act that is solely between you and your spouse.

Aside from procreation, it is intended as an act of pleasure. It is a healthy act that your body is designed to experience, and enjoy. While there are many ways to connect physically and emotionally, this one act combines all of that into one amazing, and joyful experience. It makes me feel desired, loved and wanted. It provides me with attention, directly, from one individual. It is a vital component to my happiness and life enjoyment.

Just to name a few...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone explain to me why sex is so important?? Honestly I love my DH but I resent having to service his needs when I am tired. I just honestly don't get why it is so important to him or if it is just a physical need that he has to take care of - kind of like when you get grumpy because you are hungry? I'm not trying to be an ass, I would just appreciate hearing the point of view from a DH who is unhappy with the lack of frequent sex. Thanks.

I think there is a whole stew of emotional and physical needs it satisfies, the particulars of which seem to vary from person-to-person. It's not just having an orgasm. I'm one of the PPs that only has sex every 2 to 3 weeks. I masturbate almost daily. But, despite the consistent orgasms, having sex with my wife leaves me in an entirely better mental state. After finally having sex with my wife yesterday, I noticed myself interacting with my family and the world generally much more positively this morning. I don't know if it's different hormones released or what. But it's common for me to go from a more depressed state to a more optimistic state.

Aside from that - or probably tied in with that - I feel loved by my wife after sex in a way that I don't if she just says "I love you," or even if she is doing loving (but nonsexual) things for me. And that loving connected feeling dissipates when it's not renewed regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is it, ladies. What you're looking for isn't out there. Unless you are looking for the single life, that is.

Tell that to the women who have come out happily on the other side of this- there are plenty.

They lie.

OP, stick it out for the kids. You owe them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is it, ladies. What you're looking for isn't out there. Unless you are looking for the single life, that is.

Tell that to the women who have come out happily on the other side of this- there are plenty.

They lie.

OP, stick it out for the kids. You owe them.

Happily divorced women are not a figment of your imagination. They exist.

[Anonymous]

Divorce with children involved is like an STD . The ramifications never end . Ever.

Sometimes it's necessary... But ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce with children involved is like an STD . The ramifications never end . Ever.

Sometimes it's necessary... But ugh.

I'd feel miserable if my son felt toward me the way I feel toward my Dad for cheating on my mom, divorcing her, and breaking up the family. He did that 40 years and two wives ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--I hope things have improved for you since this thread. Your post really struck a chord with me, too. DH and I have been going through this low sex/no sex thing for years. He complains about the lack of sex and I become less and less interested. Honestly, all the sex I feel like I sort of got pressured into since basically losing my sex drive only makes me feel resentful and therefore even less hopeful of ever being attracted to DH again. I don't think he realized how the pressuring was making me feel, I think he instead thought he was just having to work a little harder to get some sex.... but still.

We have had two or three nice/helpful conversations about this and probably 200 that have only added to my negative feelings. So at a loss at this point. At least it helps to know others are going through it, too.

My wife felt pressured too. Not sure I was handling it entirely correctly, but if I hadn't done the things that were perceived as pressure, the sex wouldn't have happened anyway. It's not like I was being a dick about it - demanding sex. I asked. I tried nonverbal initiations. I tried initiating more. I tried initiating less. I tried initiating during the day. I tried doing more chores. I tried date nights. I tried massages with no strings attached. I tried having conversations about how not having sex made me feel. Nada. And, before that, waiting around for her to be in the mood absolutely wasn't succeeding.

If the high drive spouse tries to have sex, it's pressure. If the high drive sex doesn't try to have sex, it doesn't happen. Pick your poison.

Right now, I'm back to a variant of "wait around until it occurs to her that sex is something married people should do" -- we've had sex once in the last five weeks.

You are much more patient than I am. When I want sex, I tell my husband to turn the TV off and come upstairs. I wouldn't let him go a week without it; otherwise, why stay monogamous?

If you had a low drive spouse you'd understand. I simply can't demand sex from my husband. He won't get hard. I have to walk on eggshells around sex and about sex. If it comes up and I offend him he will make a nightmare out of it and yell at me. It is quite a predicament. Besides sex, I'm happy but something tells me the sex life is an indicator of the relationship. Not sure I buy that we have such a great marriage.

If I were you, I'd say, "I want sex as part of my life. Are you willing to go to the doctor to find out why you can't get hard? Are you willing to please me with your fingers or lips in the meantime?" If you can't say that, you need to find someone else or get an industrial strength vibrator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a low sex drive DW. I wish that I was more into it but I work a full time job, run after two small kids and have an elderly parent. At the end of the day I REALLY don't want any more demands on my time or me. Truth be told though I was never that in to sex. I used to enjoy it but I didn't need to have it. Now I would rather veg on the couch at the end of a long day than go through the motions with DH. But I love my DH, he is a good man, fit, kind, great father and pulls more than his fair share at home. Is there any way to increase my sex drive? I honestly wish there were a pill or something. I'm just not that into it. Would rather sleep or watch TV

Read erotica and masturbate regularly.