If your spouse has become a 'roommate' and you are just friends...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP and spouse are both generally fond of each other, are both motivated to make it work, but don't know how to be attracted to each other, you might take a look at Athol Kay's "Mindful Attraction Plan."

http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-ebook/dp/B00DINECUU

It's a fairly practical approach. From the description:

"Most threats of ending relationships in hope of change, fail because of extremely poor timing. The MAP covers the pacing of the escalation toward the Resolution Point. Most serious attempts to change things happen in the heat of the moment, which is typically a negative emotion blowout and ineffective. The MAP keeps things calm and steady in the hope that your partner starts acting like a reasonable person and the relationship can start turning positive.

The first part of the book is a very clear description of exactly how you become more attractive as fast as possible. Covering six areas of development you need to focus on:

(1) Physical Fitness and Health
(2) Money and Material Possessions
(3) Displays of High Value
(4) Building Relationship Comfort
(5) Personality and Preferences
(6) High-Energy Sex"

What I like about Kay's approach is that it's mostly about making yourself a better person. So, even where the relationship turns out not to be salvageable, the work you've done improves your chances of being successful in the next relationship or in life generally.

Good luck OP. Your posts are very sad, and I hope things turn around for you and your husband.

NP here. Looked at the book on Amazon. Interesting. Is it more geared toward relationships where men are the ones feeling like a roommate/sex deprived though? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But you have 2 kids, do you just suck it up? We are literally just roommates. There is zero passion. We haven't had sex in 3 years. I don't quite know how this happened but it did... I am not sure what I am even asking but am depressed and sad.

Think you might be surprised how common this is. One of my closest friends is in this situation too..their kids are all in middle school/high. There unspoken agreement is to wait until the kids are graduated from HS and then they will likely move on their separate ways. Happens a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I talked to my husband. It came across pretty horribly but it's been said. I basically said that I love him but I'm not in love with him and that I am really unhappy. I said things like "this can't be a surprise" and that we need to speak to each other nicer and a bunch of other things. I told him that I have been feeling this way for awhile. I don't know what will come of our relationship but maybe if we take baby steps and are flat out nicer to each other and don't take for granted that we'll just stick by when things are the way they are... that we can reconnect. I plan to focus on me more. Stress reducers, healthier eating, going out with friends more - so that I don't feel so lost.

Wow OP that must have been a rough conversation. I would think though if you are trying to save the marriage that's not the best time to "focus on me more." if you are looking to get out and have a a softer landing then ffocusing on yourself is probably good. Did he at least act like he wants things to change?

different PP here. this is not true. my individual therapist has encouraged me to work on ME, and find things that satisfy me outside of the marriage (closer friendships, artistic endeavors, religious activities, whatever interests me) so that i am a truly rounded person that may be able to have a different perspective on my spouse. i call it diversifying my life. it is important to not put all eggs in one basket.

but yes, OP, would love to hear an update on how you are doing. my heart goes out to you.

Not saying it will happen in your case, but I have had friends with therapists who suggested that and all those friends ended divorcing. Not saying there is causality there, and perhaps the advice was taken to the extreme. I would think figuring out what is wrong with the relationship identifying your part in that, and focusing on fixing that would be more beneficial to salvaging than taking up macrame and adding a weekly girls night out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I talked to my husband. It came across pretty horribly but it's been said. I basically said that I love him but I'm not in love with him and that I am really unhappy. I said things like "this can't be a surprise" and that we need to speak to each other nicer and a bunch of other things. I told him that I have been feeling this way for awhile. I don't know what will come of our relationship but maybe if we take baby steps and are flat out nicer to each other and don't take for granted that we'll just stick by when things are the way they are... that we can reconnect. I plan to focus on me more. Stress reducers, healthier eating, going out with friends more - so that I don't feel so lost.

Wow OP that must have been a rough conversation. I would think though if you are trying to save the marriage that's not the best time to "focus on me more." if you are looking to get out and have a a softer landing then ffocusing on yourself is probably good. Did he at least act like he wants things to change?

different PP here. this is not true. my individual therapist has encouraged me to work on ME, and find things that satisfy me outside of the marriage (closer friendships, artistic endeavors, religious activities, whatever interests me) so that i am a truly rounded person that may be able to have a different perspective on my spouse. i call it diversifying my life. it is important to not put all eggs in one basket.

but yes, OP, would love to hear an update on how you are doing. my heart goes out to you.

Not saying it will happen in your case, but I have had friends with therapists who suggested that and all those friends ended divorcing. Not saying there is causality there, and perhaps the advice was taken to the extreme. I would think figuring out what is wrong with the relationship identifying your part in that, and focusing on fixing that would be more beneficial to salvaging than taking up macrame and adding a weekly girls night out

The point is that people tend to overly depend on getting everything from their spouse, and you will always be disappointed because one person can not give you everything.

[Anonymous]

That makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Ok, so obviously a lot of us are experiencing this. I wonder how does this play later in life. Aren't people just roommates anyway when they they hit 60 for example? Is it normal for people to be just roommates after 20 or 30 years of marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so obviously a lot of us are experiencing this. I wonder how does this play later in life. Aren't people just roommates anyway when they they hit 60 for example? Is it normal for people to be just roommates after 20 or 30 years of marriage?

60 year olds are still having a lot of sex. Interesting aside - I've heard that retirement communities are lousy with STDs.

[Anonymous]

OP--I hope things have improved for you since this thread. Your post really struck a chord with me, too. DH and I have been going through this low sex/no sex thing for years. He complains about the lack of sex and I become less and less interested. Honestly, all the sex I feel like I sort of got pressured into since basically losing my sex drive only makes me feel resentful and therefore even less hopeful of ever being attracted to DH again. I don't think he realized how the pressuring was making me feel, I think he instead thought he was just having to work a little harder to get some sex.... but still.

We have had two or three nice/helpful conversations about this and probably 200 that have only added to my negative feelings. So at a loss at this point. At least it helps to know others are going through it, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--I hope things have improved for you since this thread. Your post really struck a chord with me, too. DH and I have been going through this low sex/no sex thing for years. He complains about the lack of sex and I become less and less interested. Honestly, all the sex I feel like I sort of got pressured into since basically losing my sex drive only makes me feel resentful and therefore even less hopeful of ever being attracted to DH again. I don't think he realized how the pressuring was making me feel, I think he instead thought he was just having to work a little harder to get some sex.... but still.

We have had two or three nice/helpful conversations about this and probably 200 that have only added to my negative feelings. So at a loss at this point. At least it helps to know others are going through it, too.

My wife felt pressured too. Not sure I was handling it entirely correctly, but if I hadn't done the things that were perceived as pressure, the sex wouldn't have happened anyway. It's not like I was being a dick about it - demanding sex. I asked. I tried nonverbal initiations. I tried initiating more. I tried initiating less. I tried initiating during the day. I tried doing more chores. I tried date nights. I tried massages with no strings attached. I tried having conversations about how not having sex made me feel. Nada. And, before that, waiting around for her to be in the mood absolutely wasn't succeeding.

If the high drive spouse tries to have sex, it's pressure. If the high drive sex doesn't try to have sex, it doesn't happen. Pick your poison.

Right now, I'm back to a variant of "wait around until it occurs to her that sex is something married people should do" -- we've had sex once in the last five weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so obviously a lot of us are experiencing this. I wonder how does this play later in life. Aren't people just roommates anyway when they they hit 60 for example? Is it normal for people to be just roommates after 20 or 30 years of marriage?

LOL oh my. You must be about 30. 60 is way too young to give up sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--I hope things have improved for you since this thread. Your post really struck a chord with me, too. DH and I have been going through this low sex/no sex thing for years. He complains about the lack of sex and I become less and less interested. Honestly, all the sex I feel like I sort of got pressured into since basically losing my sex drive only makes me feel resentful and therefore even less hopeful of ever being attracted to DH again. I don't think he realized how the pressuring was making me feel, I think he instead thought he was just having to work a little harder to get some sex.... but still.

We have had two or three nice/helpful conversations about this and probably 200 that have only added to my negative feelings. So at a loss at this point. At least it helps to know others are going through it, too.

My wife felt pressured too. Not sure I was handling it entirely correctly, but if I hadn't done the things that were perceived as pressure, the sex wouldn't have happened anyway. It's not like I was being a dick about it - demanding sex. I asked. I tried nonverbal initiations. I tried initiating more. I tried initiating less. I tried initiating during the day. I tried doing more chores. I tried date nights. I tried massages with no strings attached. I tried having conversations about how not having sex made me feel. Nada. And, before that, waiting around for her to be in the mood absolutely wasn't succeeding.

If the high drive spouse tries to have sex, it's pressure. If the high drive sex doesn't try to have sex, it doesn't happen. Pick your poison.

Right now, I'm back to a variant of "wait around until it occurs to her that sex is something married people should do" -- we've had sex once in the last five weeks.

You are much more patient than I am. When I want sex, I tell my husband to turn the TV off and come upstairs. I wouldn't let him go a week without it; otherwise, why stay monogamous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--I hope things have improved for you since this thread. Your post really struck a chord with me, too. DH and I have been going through this low sex/no sex thing for years. He complains about the lack of sex and I become less and less interested. Honestly, all the sex I feel like I sort of got pressured into since basically losing my sex drive only makes me feel resentful and therefore even less hopeful of ever being attracted to DH again. I don't think he realized how the pressuring was making me feel, I think he instead thought he was just having to work a little harder to get some sex.... but still.

We have had two or three nice/helpful conversations about this and probably 200 that have only added to my negative feelings. So at a loss at this point. At least it helps to know others are going through it, too.

My wife felt pressured too. Not sure I was handling it entirely correctly, but if I hadn't done the things that were perceived as pressure, the sex wouldn't have happened anyway. It's not like I was being a dick about it - demanding sex. I asked. I tried nonverbal initiations. I tried initiating more. I tried initiating less. I tried initiating during the day. I tried doing more chores. I tried date nights. I tried massages with no strings attached. I tried having conversations about how not having sex made me feel. Nada. And, before that, waiting around for her to be in the mood absolutely wasn't succeeding.

If the high drive spouse tries to have sex, it's pressure. If the high drive sex doesn't try to have sex, it doesn't happen. Pick your poison.

Right now, I'm back to a variant of "wait around until it occurs to her that sex is something married people should do" -- we've had sex once in the last five weeks.

You are much more patient than I am. When I want sex, I tell my husband to turn the TV off and come upstairs. I wouldn't let him go a week without it; otherwise, why stay monogamous?

Good question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--I hope things have improved for you since this thread. Your post really struck a chord with me, too. DH and I have been going through this low sex/no sex thing for years. He complains about the lack of sex and I become less and less interested. Honestly, all the sex I feel like I sort of got pressured into since basically losing my sex drive only makes me feel resentful and therefore even less hopeful of ever being attracted to DH again. I don't think he realized how the pressuring was making me feel, I think he instead thought he was just having to work a little harder to get some sex.... but still.

We have had two or three nice/helpful conversations about this and probably 200 that have only added to my negative feelings. So at a loss at this point. At least it helps to know others are going through it, too.

My wife felt pressured too. Not sure I was handling it entirely correctly, but if I hadn't done the things that were perceived as pressure, the sex wouldn't have happened anyway. It's not like I was being a dick about it - demanding sex. I asked. I tried nonverbal initiations. I tried initiating more. I tried initiating less. I tried initiating during the day. I tried doing more chores. I tried date nights. I tried massages with no strings attached. I tried having conversations about how not having sex made me feel. Nada. And, before that, waiting around for her to be in the mood absolutely wasn't succeeding.

If the high drive spouse tries to have sex, it's pressure. If the high drive sex doesn't try to have sex, it doesn't happen. Pick your poison.

Right now, I'm back to a variant of "wait around until it occurs to her that sex is something married people should do" -- we've had sex once in the last five weeks.

Thanks for responding. I am Pp. I imagine that your wife, like me, understands that married people have sex and wishes more than anything that she wanted to do that. It's really not fun having sex with someone when you don't want to, or to constantly hear about how basically you should do it anyway because that's just what married people do. I realize this is hard on both parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--I hope things have improved for you since this thread. Your post really struck a chord with me, too. DH and I have been going through this low sex/no sex thing for years. He complains about the lack of sex and I become less and less interested. Honestly, all the sex I feel like I sort of got pressured into since basically losing my sex drive only makes me feel resentful and therefore even less hopeful of ever being attracted to DH again. I don't think he realized how the pressuring was making me feel, I think he instead thought he was just having to work a little harder to get some sex.... but still.

We have had two or three nice/helpful conversations about this and probably 200 that have only added to my negative feelings. So at a loss at this point. At least it helps to know others are going through it, too.

My wife felt pressured too. Not sure I was handling it entirely correctly, but if I hadn't done the things that were perceived as pressure, the sex wouldn't have happened anyway. It's not like I was being a dick about it - demanding sex. I asked. I tried nonverbal initiations. I tried initiating more. I tried initiating less. I tried initiating during the day. I tried doing more chores. I tried date nights. I tried massages with no strings attached. I tried having conversations about how not having sex made me feel. Nada. And, before that, waiting around for her to be in the mood absolutely wasn't succeeding.

If the high drive spouse tries to have sex, it's pressure. If the high drive sex doesn't try to have sex, it doesn't happen. Pick your poison.

Right now, I'm back to a variant of "wait around until it occurs to her that sex is something married people should do" -- we've had sex once in the last five weeks.

Thanks for responding. I am Pp. I imagine that your wife, like me, understands that married people have sex and wishes more than anything that she wanted to do that. It's really not fun having sex with someone when you don't want to, or to constantly hear about how basically you should do it anyway because that's just what married people do. I realize this is hard on both parties.

Yup, it's no picnic for my wife either. And, frankly, I don't just want to have sex with her. I want her to want to have sex with me. If we have sex when she doesn't want it, then basically it's just me using her body as a masturbation aid - which is creepy.

[Anonymous]

This is a pretty depressing thread. The common denominator in most of these relationships is exhaustion and lack of communication between spouses.

I suspect that when the kids arrive, the romance gradually ebbs away with all the added responsibilities, and shared resentments, which get worse and worse and are expressed in lack of sex.

I'm interested in hearing from someone who's been there, and managed to come out of it.

Marriage long-term is difficult, but not impossible. You can either figure out how to be happier, or get out. Choosing to be miserable "for the sake of the children" is a bad, bad idea. The kids know.