If your spouse has become a 'roommate' and you are just friends...

[Anonymous]

This is it, ladies. What you're looking for isn't out there. Unless you are looking for the single life, that is.


I guess what I am looking for is to come home to my house and not feel like there is another person there, who while not a bad guy, I would just prefer not to be living there. I don't expect to find some other great love at this point.


Maybe an odd question, but if 20 years from now, the kids had moved far away and you had a serious illness, would you want him there to take you to treatment and support you? Or if he were ill, would you want to be there to take care of him?

I guess what I'm saying is if you don't have butterflies, do you still care about him in that way?

I'd take care of him because it would be the right thing to do. He wouldn't have anyone else. I'd prefer one of my sisters to take care of me.

[Anonymous]

Can you talk to him about it?

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I didn’t answer under 20:47. I think the answer is yes but I'm not positive. I think I really need to speak to a professional. I think my parents had a bad marriage and I think I married young and if a person isn't in a good place themselves it is hard to be good to anyone else.

I will say that it feels incredibly lonely and I feel like a mess. I don't know how things got to this point. I never in a million years thought I would be like this.

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry and hope you can get good guidance.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I talked to my husband. It came across pretty horribly but it's been said. I basically said that I love him but I'm not in love with him and that I am really unhappy. I said things like "this can't be a surprise" and that we need to speak to each other nicer and a bunch of other things. I told him that I have been feeling this way for awhile. I don't know what will come of our relationship but maybe if we take baby steps and are flat out nicer to each other and don't take for granted that we'll just stick by when things are the way they are... that we can reconnect. I plan to focus on me more. Stress reducers, healthier eating, going out with friends more - so that I don't feel so lost.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

How did he react? Hope you are hanging in there...

[Anonymous]

Hope it turns out for the best for both of you, whether that's together or apart.

[Anonymous]

If OP and spouse are both generally fond of each other, are both motivated to make it work, but don't know how to be attracted to each other, you might take a look at Athol Kay's "Mindful Attraction Plan."

http://www.amazon.com/The-Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-ebook/dp/B00DINECUU

It's a fairly practical approach. From the description:

"Most threats of ending relationships in hope of change, fail because of extremely poor timing. The MAP covers the pacing of the escalation toward the Resolution Point. Most serious attempts to change things happen in the heat of the moment, which is typically a negative emotion blowout and ineffective. The MAP keeps things calm and steady in the hope that your partner starts acting like a reasonable person and the relationship can start turning positive.

The first part of the book is a very clear description of exactly how you become more attractive as fast as possible. Covering six areas of development you need to focus on:

(1) Physical Fitness and Health
(2) Money and Material Possessions
(3) Displays of High Value
(4) Building Relationship Comfort
(5) Personality and Preferences
(6) High-Energy Sex"

What I like about Kay's approach is that it's mostly about making yourself a better person. So, even where the relationship turns out not to be salvageable, the work you've done improves your chances of being successful in the next relationship or in life generally.

Good luck OP. Your posts are very sad, and I hope things turn around for you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

i am one of the PPs struggling with my own marriage, and just bumping to see if anybody has updates or advice.

we had a largely sexless marriage for 6 years, and the emotional connection was cut out as well. we are in therapy now and things are coming to light, but what i struggle with now is how i even feel about DH. he is a "good"man in the sense that he is loyal and stable, but he is afraid of feeling most feelings and shuts down if i try to talk to him about anything that might evoke stronger feelings than "oh, i'd like chicken for dinner."

he is trying harder to come out of his shell, but he is not seeing an individual counselor even though our couples therapist suggested numerous times that he do his own work (i see my own therapist, which is actually helping me MORE). so i am concerned how much i could expect things to change.

i have been horribly lonely and feeling rejected over the past many years. and while i am letting go of the resentment that i felt felt, i am finding that my previously loving feelings about my DH are now...kind of nonexistent.

this would be much easier if we did not have kids, but we have two kids 6yo and 4yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i am one of the PPs struggling with my own marriage, and just bumping to see if anybody has updates or advice.

we had a largely sexless marriage for 6 years, and the emotional connection was cut out as well. we are in therapy now and things are coming to light, but what i struggle with now is how i even feel about DH. he is a "good"man in the sense that he is loyal and stable, but he is afraid of feeling most feelings and shuts down if i try to talk to him about anything that might evoke stronger feelings than "oh, i'd like chicken for dinner."

he is trying harder to come out of his shell, but he is not seeing an individual counselor even though our couples therapist suggested numerous times that he do his own work (i see my own therapist, which is actually helping me MORE). so i am concerned how much i could expect things to change.

i have been horribly lonely and feeling rejected over the past many years. and while i am letting go of the resentment that i felt felt, i am finding that my previously loving feelings about my DH are now...kind of nonexistent.

this would be much easier if we did not have kids, but we have two kids 6yo and 4yo.

At this stage, the most important thing is that you have explicitly told the therapist what you want to get out of therapy and whether or not you have the right therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know we aren't the norm. I am so depressed tonight my stomach is churning. If I didn't have kids this would be a much easier decision. A PP said it so well yesterday. It's like we have wonderful kids, good jobs, a nice house, but do you turn your entire life upside down and have your kids share custody with your ex when it is because you don't have butterflies anymore and your husband is a companion? I'm not a spring chicken anymore. We don't fight excessively or anything either do it isn't like my kids are being traumatized and ending my marriage would make their lives better.

Gosh I am in the same boat. I told my spouse I am out when the youngest goes off to college. I have have eight more years to go. My spouse choose this and I am going to end it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I talked to my husband. It came across pretty horribly but it's been said. I basically said that I love him but I'm not in love with him and that I am really unhappy. I said things like "this can't be a surprise" and that we need to speak to each other nicer and a bunch of other things. I told him that I have been feeling this way for awhile. I don't know what will come of our relationship but maybe if we take baby steps and are flat out nicer to each other and don't take for granted that we'll just stick by when things are the way they are... that we can reconnect. I plan to focus on me more. Stress reducers, healthier eating, going out with friends more - so that I don't feel so lost.

Wow OP that must have been a rough conversation. I would think though if you are trying to save the marriage that's not the best time to "focus on me more." if you are looking to get out and have a a softer landing then ffocusing on yourself is probably good. Did he at least act like he wants things to change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I talked to my husband. It came across pretty horribly but it's been said. I basically said that I love him but I'm not in love with him and that I am really unhappy. I said things like "this can't be a surprise" and that we need to speak to each other nicer and a bunch of other things. I told him that I have been feeling this way for awhile. I don't know what will come of our relationship but maybe if we take baby steps and are flat out nicer to each other and don't take for granted that we'll just stick by when things are the way they are... that we can reconnect. I plan to focus on me more. Stress reducers, healthier eating, going out with friends more - so that I don't feel so lost.

Wow OP that must have been a rough conversation. I would think though if you are trying to save the marriage that's not the best time to "focus on me more." if you are looking to get out and have a a softer landing then ffocusing on yourself is probably good. Did he at least act like he wants things to change?

different PP here. this is not true. my individual therapist has encouraged me to work on ME, and find things that satisfy me outside of the marriage (closer friendships, artistic endeavors, religious activities, whatever interests me) so that i am a truly rounded person that may be able to have a different perspective on my spouse. i call it diversifying my life. it is important to not put all eggs in one basket.

but yes, OP, would love to hear an update on how you are doing. my heart goes out to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

different PP here. this is not true. my individual therapist has encouraged me to work on ME, and find things that satisfy me outside of the marriage (closer friendships, artistic endeavors, religious activities, whatever interests me) so that i am a truly rounded person that may be able to have a different perspective on my spouse. i call it diversifying my life. it is important to not put all eggs in one basket.

We've been roommates for multiple years. I would love to deliver this exact sentence of advice to my DW. She needs to find things that satisfy her outside our marriage so that I stop being the center of her complete attention.