If your spouse has become a 'roommate' and you are just friends...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in your boat too. I love my husband and I don't feel lonely; we are very close, best friends in fact. So that makes it even harder.

[b]Why did you marry someone you weren't sexually or romantically attracted to? So unfair to your DH!

What a naive question. This is nature. It's a natural progression for many couples after they are done having children. People don't talk about it but it happens to many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in your boat too. I love my husband and I don't feel lonely; we are very close, best friends in fact. So that makes it even harder.

[b]Why did you marry someone you weren't sexually or romantically attracted to? So unfair to your DH!

What a naive question. This is nature. It's a natural progression for many couples after they are done having children. People don't talk about it but it happens to many.

What do people do to bring back the spark? Another NP in a similar though not as dire situation, don't want to end up there. Just too tired and neither one of us seems to have the energy to bother at the end of the day with 2 young kids, though we are close in all other ways. On vacations and whatnot things are fine, back home we fall into a rut of exhaustion yet again.

[Anonymous]

Liquor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in your boat too. I love my husband and I don't feel lonely; we are very close, best friends in fact. So that makes it even harder.

[b]Why did you marry someone you weren't sexually or romantically attracted to? So unfair to your DH!

What a naive question. This is nature. It's a natural progression for many couples after they are done having children. People don't talk about it but it happens to many.

It's fine when the couple progresses this way. It's not fine when only one spouse progresses this way. In my case, a sexless friendship is something my wife has imposed upon me and our marriage unilaterally. I wonder if she'd be more sexually attracted to me if I weren't such an utterly dependable friend. There are certainly much worse husbands having a lot more sex than I am.

[Anonymous]

That was me until recently, but it wasn't "just" lack of sex. Things had deteriorated beyond that. Finally sucked it up and started the divorce process. I feel better, more hopeful now. Even if I'm sometimes lonely, lonely in a bad marriage was way worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was me until recently, but it wasn't "just" lack of sex. Things had deteriorated beyond that. Finally sucked it up and started the divorce process. I feel better, more hopeful now. Even if I'm sometimes lonely, lonely in a bad marriage was way worse.

One of the PPs here. I am contemplating this. Do you have kids? Ages? That is my big stumbling block.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was me until recently, but it wasn't "just" lack of sex. Things had deteriorated beyond that. Finally sucked it up and started the divorce process. I feel better, more hopeful now. Even if I'm sometimes lonely, lonely in a bad marriage was way worse.

One of the PPs here. I am contemplating this. Do you have kids? Ages? That is my big stumbling block.

Middle schoolers. I agonized over it for years, but the kids are doing fine. Sometimes I regret waiting, but only for myself. I don't regret waiting it out a bit for them. They're at an age where they're more independent and seem less affected by not having both parents around at the same time all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was me until recently, but it wasn't "just" lack of sex. Things had deteriorated beyond that. Finally sucked it up and started the divorce process. I feel better, more hopeful now. Even if I'm sometimes lonely, lonely in a bad marriage was way worse.

One of the PPs here. I am contemplating this. Do you have kids? Ages? That is my big stumbling block.

Middle schoolers. I agonized over it for years, but the kids are doing fine. Sometimes I regret waiting, but only for myself. I don't regret waiting it out a bit for them. They're at an age where they're more independent and seem less affected by not having both parents around at the same time all the time.

Pp again. Thanks for this info. Mine are both under 6yo so I am where you were at their ages. Thanks for saying you feel better and are more hopeful. Are you dating or are you feeling better single? I am in both couoles and individual counseling and working on figuring out what I want for me, which is a harder exercise than I had imagined it to be!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your name start with an m? (Wtf?)

No. You just described my life is all and I wondered if you were my dw.

Which was obvious to those of us with half a brain, unlike the "wtf" person.

[Anonymous]

Things may change. It could be a phase.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps OP and others who have become "roommates" with their spouse should sit down and do these 36 questions with their spouse.

Do them and report back.

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html?referrer=&_r=1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was me until recently, but it wasn't "just" lack of sex. Things had deteriorated beyond that. Finally sucked it up and started the divorce process. I feel better, more hopeful now. Even if I'm sometimes lonely, lonely in a bad marriage was way worse.

One of the PPs here. I am contemplating this. Do you have kids? Ages? That is my big stumbling block.

Middle schoolers. I agonized over it for years, but the kids are doing fine. Sometimes I regret waiting, but only for myself. I don't regret waiting it out a bit for them. They're at an age where they're more independent and seem less affected by not having both parents around at the same time all the time.

Pp again. Thanks for this info. Mine are both under 6yo so I am where you were at their ages. Thanks for saying you feel better and are more hopeful. Are you dating or are you feeling better single? I am in both couoles and individual counseling and working on figuring out what I want for me, which is a harder exercise than I had imagined it to be!

I do feel better single. My stress level has decreased substantially. I feel more at peace at home. I'm sleeping better. I have some time for myself, which I hardly ever had because one of the issues with X is he always put himself first and made things more difficult for me.

I'm not really dating yet, but I have a sort of no-strings-attached FWB with whom I spend time every now and then. I am trying to make new friends and am starting to feel like it's time for me to start dating. A part of me is not looking forward to that, but I feel like I need a closer connection to someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was me until recently, but it wasn't "just" lack of sex. Things had deteriorated beyond that. Finally sucked it up and started the divorce process. I feel better, more hopeful now. Even if I'm sometimes lonely, lonely in a bad marriage was way worse.

One of the PPs here. I am contemplating this. Do you have kids? Ages? That is my big stumbling block.

Middle schoolers. I agonized over it for years, but the kids are doing fine. Sometimes I regret waiting, but only for myself. I don't regret waiting it out a bit for them. They're at an age where they're more independent and seem less affected by not having both parents around at the same time all the time.

Pp again. Thanks for this info. Mine are both under 6yo so I am where you were at their ages. Thanks for saying you feel better and are more hopeful. Are you dating or are you feeling better single? I am in both couoles and individual counseling and working on figuring out what I want for me, which is a harder exercise than I had imagined it to be!

I do feel better single. My stress level has decreased substantially. I feel more at peace at home. I'm sleeping better. I have some time for myself, which I hardly ever had because one of the issues with X is he always put himself first and made things more difficult for me.

I'm not really dating yet, but I have a sort of no-strings-attached FWB with whom I spend time every now and then. I am trying to make new friends and am starting to feel like it's time for me to start dating. A part of me is not looking forward to that, but I feel like I need a closer connection to someone.

Pp again. You sound like a lovely person. Wish I knew you irl! It is a bit lonely over here!!!

Congrats to you for finding your way and honoring yourself. I am rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Pp again. You sound like a lovely person. Wish I knew you irl! It is a bit lonely over here!!!

Congrats to you for finding your way and honoring yourself. I am rooting for you!

Thank you! I don't hear that enough, lol.
Good luck to you. It's tough to be where you are. You have to take care of yourself. For me, the moment of truth was when things were wearing on me so much that I found myself less available to my kids. I was withdrawing and too depressed to be the mother I wanted to be. That's when it was obvious that I wasn't doing them any favors by trying to stick it out any longer.
Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Pp again. You sound like a lovely person. Wish I knew you irl! It is a bit lonely over here!!!

Congrats to you for finding your way and honoring yourself. I am rooting for you!

Thank you! I don't hear that enough, lol.
Good luck to you. It's tough to be where you are. You have to take care of yourself. For me, the moment of truth was when things were wearing on me so much that I found myself less available to my kids. I was withdrawing and too depressed to be the mother I wanted to be. That's when it was obvious that I wasn't doing them any favors by trying to stick it out any longer.
Best wishes to you.

NP, I'm rooting for you too PP. Sounds like you've come a long way already.