If your spouse has become a 'roommate' and you are just friends...

[Anonymous]

I went through this and was crushed when I found out my DH had been cheating. Looking back, I should have known. Anyway, my advice is to talk about it. Be open and be frank.

If you both want to try to make it work, I bet there is a way to save your marriage. If neither of you really wants to make the effort and you both think the marriage is over, then think about separating amicably before something awful happens.

If you can divorce without a big battle and you both stay involved with the kids, you can do it in a way that (hopefully) have less of a negative impact on the kids.

[Anonymous]

This is it, ladies. What you're looking for isn't out there. Unless you are looking for the single life, that is.

[Anonymous]

No sex in 3 years? You do realize that he is getting it elsewhere, right?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know this sounds weird but I think DH has an incredibly low sex drove and I know he is not cheating. I adore my 2 kids more than anything in the whole world but I guess with it being valentine's day weekend I realized I have totally fallen put of love with DH. When I went to write a sentiment in the card I had nothing to say but Happy VValentine's Day.

Maybe this can be salvaged.

But how do you drop this on someone - how do you say "I feel miserable because you are a good man but I think I don't love you anymore".

And when I got married I made a vow. Looks fade etc. Sigh. I have no idea anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is it, ladies. What you're looking for isn't out there. Unless you are looking for the single life, that is.

Tell that to the women who have come out happily on the other side of this- there are plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know this sounds weird but I think DH has an incredibly low sex drove and I know he is not cheating. I adore my 2 kids more than anything in the whole world but I guess with it being valentine's day weekend I realized I have totally fallen put of love with DH. When I went to write a sentiment in the card I had nothing to say but Happy VValentine's Day.

Maybe this can be salvaged.

But how do you drop this on someone - how do you say "I feel miserable because you are a good man but I think I don't love you anymore".

And when I got married I made a vow. Looks fade etc. Sigh. I have no idea anymore.

You begin by talking to him about what a great father he is, how much you respect him as a parent, and how your roles have changed as you have had kids. Let him know that you are worried that you have become room-mates instead of lovers. Don't tell him that you don't love him, that is just cruel. Don't you still love him as the father of your kids? I think that the easiest way to really start a conversation is to ask him a few questions. How about, "How do you feel about our relationship right now?" Or "Are you happy with the state of our relationship." Let him do some talking and then you can respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No sex in 3 years? You do realize that he is getting it elsewhere, right?

Not necessarily. Not everyone has a sex drive.
Sorry that your spouse would cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No sex in 3 years? You do realize that he is getting it elsewhere, right?

Not necessarily. Not everyone has a sex drive.
Sorry that your spouse would cheat.

Eh, cheating would be a more understandable reaction than not though, I'm sure you realize that. No sex in three years and no conversation about it isn't exactly the norm.

[Anonymous]

I know we aren't the norm. I am so depressed tonight my stomach is churning. If I didn't have kids this would be a much easier decision. A PP said it so well yesterday. It's like we have wonderful kids, good jobs, a nice house, but do you turn your entire life upside down and have your kids share custody with your ex when it is because you don't have butterflies anymore and your husband is a companion? I'm not a spring chicken anymore. We don't fight excessively or anything either do it isn't like my kids are being traumatized and ending my marriage would make their lives better.

[Anonymous]

When is the last time you initiated sex with H?
I am guessing that's been many years ago.
You probably would have mentioned if he's been rejecting your advances all this time. So it sounds like you are 50% of the problem.

If you are serious about not wanting to be roomates then why don't you just lock the bedroom door, crawl into bed nude, and start playing around with him? You might be very surprised how quickly it comes back.

[Anonymous]

"I love you, but I'm not *in* love with you. Let's just be friends."

[Anonymous]

This is it, ladies. What you're looking for isn't out there. Unless you are looking for the single life, that is.

I guess what I am looking for is to come home to my house and not feel like there is another person there, who while not a bad guy, I would just prefer not to be living there. I don't expect to find some other great love at this point.

[Anonymous]

If it were me, I'd stick it out. Having someone I trust and respect to share a life with is immensely important to me. I'm not willing to drop it for some hypothetical butterflies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know we aren't the norm. I am so depressed tonight my stomach is churning. If I didn't have kids this would be a much easier decision. A PP said it so well yesterday. It's like we have wonderful kids, good jobs, a nice house, but do you turn your entire life upside down and have your kids share custody with your ex when it is because you don't have butterflies anymore and your husband is a companion? I'm not a spring chicken anymore. We don't fight excessively or anything either do it isn't like my kids are being traumatized and ending my marriage would make their lives better.

I understand, and I really am sorry for your predicament.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is it, ladies. What you're looking for isn't out there. Unless you are looking for the single life, that is.

I guess what I am looking for is to come home to my house and not feel like there is another person there, who while not a bad guy, I would just prefer not to be living there. I don't expect to find some other great love at this point.

Maybe an odd question, but if 20 years from now, the kids had moved far away and you had a serious illness, would you want him there to take you to treatment and support you? Or if he were ill, would you want to be there to take care of him?

I guess what I'm saying is if you don't have butterflies, do you still care about him in that way?