Talking engagement and find out boyfriends deal with EXwife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this was harsh and maybe needed. I am not a gold digger and we will obviously have a prenup since we both have children. I was just in shock because boyfriend had previously told me that he does not pay alimony. Well maybe not but you give her 22 percent of your income!!! Boyfriend is not looking to buy her out and I respect that. I guess I just have to look at it like she was an initial investor of his start up. For the pp who asked about college they agreed to him paying 70 percent and her paying 30. She forfeited her 22 percent the first 21 months of the divorce as her way of "buying out" the house. If you add those numbers up he got screwed there too. He just has an attitude like "you can always make more money" while I find her selfishness irritating he doesn't. I need to take his lead and let it go.

OP - How has the ex been selfish?

I don't see it either. She helped him start his business, so she got a cut. The business is ongoing, so she still gets a cut. She bought out his portion of the house with her money, the exact amount of which was not known at the time of the deal. She gets no alimony.

Ex seems great. Boyfriend seems great. OP seems horrible. I feel terrible for the children.

[Anonymous]

I hope this guy's friends and family are warning him not to marry this gold digger. Talk about greedy. Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Hahahahahahahaha suck it OP. I tip my hat to that ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this was harsh and maybe needed. I am not a gold digger and we will obviously have a prenup since we both have children. I was just in shock because boyfriend had previously told me that he does not pay alimony. Well maybe not but you give her 22 percent of your income!!! Boyfriend is not looking to buy her out and I respect that. I guess I just have to look at it like she was an initial investor of his start up. For the pp who asked about college they agreed to him paying 70 percent and her paying 30. She forfeited her 22 percent the first 21 months of the divorce as her way of "buying out" the house. If you add those numbers up he got screwed there too. He just has an attitude like "you can always make more money" while I find her selfishness irritating he doesn't. I need to take his lead and let it go.

Honestly, OP, what business is this of yours? They owned a house together before he ever met you (presumably). They got divorced before you ever met him (presumably). How they decided to split assets in their divorce is NONE of your business, particularly when the house is split and paid for by now. (As you state that she bought out his share of the house in 21 months and they've been divorced 4 years.) How the house was split has no current impact, and you have no way of knowing the complete picture about the house as an asset. Do you know how much they paid, what kind of mortgage they had, who paid how much of the mortgage when even though that doesn't really matter in a marriage, who put the down payment down, how much the house appreciated, if they did any renovations, who paid for renovations, whether there was a 2nd mortgage and whose name is on that, who supervised any renovations, etc. ? You have no way of judging whether he "got screwed" on the house or not. And, even if he did get screwed it was his choice before he ever met you.

You are really looking for reasons to dislike the Ex. Stop it or leave the relationship; otherwise you will make everyone miserable including yourself.

BTW, I think the real reason you are so angry about this is that you are being asked to sign a prenup and you think that you are getting a worse deal than EX#1 got. If you're not happy with what's being proposed in the prenup, negotiate on that directly instead of being passive aggressive and tearing down the arrangement between the BF and his Ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this was harsh and maybe needed. I am not a gold digger and we will obviously have a prenup since we both have children. I was just in shock because boyfriend had previously told me that he does not pay alimony. Well maybe not but you give her 22 percent of your income!!! Boyfriend is not looking to buy her out and I respect that. I guess I just have to look at it like she was an initial investor of his start up. For the pp who asked about college they agreed to him paying 70 percent and her paying 30. She forfeited her 22 percent the first 21 months of the divorce as her way of "buying out" the house. If you add those numbers up he got screwed there too. He just has an attitude like "you can always make more money" while I find her selfishness irritating he doesn't. I need to take his lead and let it go.

The irony in this phrase is that you see her selfishness but not your own. I hope for your sake that your BF is as blind to your selfishness as you believe he is to what you see as hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love the unanimity of this thread.

You're wrong OP.

Your boyfriend sounds like a class act and you sound like you have a great deal to learn about how to get through life graciously, with integrity and goodwill.

You need to very seriously rethink your position and/or ask yourself whether it's appropriate for you to get involved with this family. It isn't just your boyfriend - the package includes his kids and his ex. You have to embrace all of that to have a good marriage that is healthy for you, him and the kids.

+1 why would you want to create strife, tension and bitterness in an amicable, peaceful situation?
Your attitude is toxic.

[Anonymous]

BTW, I think the real reason you are so angry about this is that you are being asked to sign a prenup and you think that you are getting a worse deal than EX#1 got. If you're not happy with what's being proposed in the prenup, negotiate on that directly instead of being passive aggressive and tearing down the arrangement between the BF and his Ex.

I think this PP hit the nail on the head...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this was harsh and maybe needed. I am not a gold digger and we will obviously have a prenup since we both have children. I was just in shock because boyfriend had previously told me that he does not pay alimony. Well maybe not but you give her 22 percent of your income!!! Boyfriend is not looking to buy her out and I respect that. I guess I just have to look at it like she was an initial investor of his start up. For the pp who asked about college they agreed to him paying 70 percent and her paying 30. She forfeited her 22 percent the first 21 months of the divorce as her way of "buying out" the house. If you add those numbers up he got screwed there too. He just has an attitude like "you can always make more money" while I find her selfishness irritating he doesn't. I need to take his lead and let it go.

The irony in this phrase is that you see her selfishness but not your own. I hope for your sake that your BF is as blind to your selfishness as you believe he is to what you see as hers.

But but poor poor OP, she thought she can freeload on 500k (per year!!!) ,and now it is only 400k. I would be heartbroken as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, ask him to give you another 22%!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ask him to give you another 22%!

I think 22% for OP would be inappropriate. She did not help start the business nor has she provided any investment funds. IF OP gets married to the business owner, then I think the prenup should be clear on division of marital assets in terms of the income stream from the business that her BF takes as salary -- that is a marital asset/contribution to the marriage. Pre-nup should be clear about division of retirement assets accumulated during this time, as well as how to value and split any increase in the business's value during the life of the marriage. Perhaps as a part of the married couple, OP will have contributed to that in some way -- arranging client dinners, taking on the lion's share of household/childcare duties so BF can focus more on the business, acting as a sounding board, foregoing putting income into the marriage/home/kids in favor of reinvesting in the business, etc. Or maybe OP doesn't deserve any increase in the business value during the life of the marriage if OP's plan is to maintain her own career full-time and split all household duties down the middle. Whatever, if a prenup is being discussed, now is the time to discuss these issues, as well as future child support and alimony, valuing other marital property like the home, etc.

[Anonymous]

This thread is so hilarious. OP is worked up over what seems to be a really fair and equitable settlement between two people who are happy with the outcome. I hope her boyfriend isn't seriously entertaining any of her tantrums about this. His ex seems smart, he seems like a stand up guy and OP is just piddling herself in the corner.

[Anonymous]

OP, again, I really do get it. I really do. And from what you have described, your DH sounds a little passive about everything. But he's happy, and his ex is happy, and the kids are happy, and they're all okay with things. Some men value avoiding conflict over valuing money. My DH is like this. For years and years, he and his ex made the exact same salary (they are both feds at the same GS level) and he paid her way more in child support than guidelines require, and also paid every single "extra" for their daughter. He never took a vacation, never spent money on himself, and even loaned his ex thousands of dollars to pay for vacations that she would take with their daughter. Basically, his ex walked all over him and took advantage of him in a huge way. She is awful and I loathe her selfishness.

But you know what? He consented to it. And he was pretty content with the whole arrangement. He knew it was unfair, but his daughter was happy and his ex was off his back and he simply accepted less for himself. (Sadly, he has low self-esteem, so he's used to accepting second or third best or worse for himself.)

It really made me angry on his behalf that she took such advantage of him. But in a way, I infantalized him. This is what he is choosing for himself.

This is what your boyfriend has chosen and what he is okay with. It is VERY likely that he will continue to act like this. Like, his ex may have way more money than you guys but he might decide that he should pay 100% of an extravagant wedding for his daughter 10 years from now. Yes, you will be right that this is totally unfair, but you are NOT going to change him. You are signing yourself up for a LOT of strife if it is going to bother you this much that he shoulders way more than a "fair" share of the financial burden of his children.

Short story: it sucks and it's not fair and that's who HE is. Please, please spare yourself a lot of heartache and don't marry him. Let him keep giving generously, overly generously to his ex in peace. Your quest for fairness is only going to drive you both nuts.

[Anonymous]

OP, one thing I have learned in life is that history repeats itself. You should actually be thankful that he is so generous with his ex and that he doesn't resent it.

If you and he should ever divorce, you can hope that you will also benefit from his generosity. If you never divorce, you won't have to worry about it.

I know it must drive you crazy to think that you are losing that income, but honestly -- it sounds like you two will be very well off. I would tell you to run TO him and marry him -- he sounds like a great guy. He is the opposite of a deadbeat dad. Your child will likely benefit from growing up and seeing how his stepdad deals with others. Instead of resenting this situation, please try to turn the tables and admire him for his honesty and generosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP. She helped him launch the business. That's her equity, and she has elected to keep it invested instead of cashing out.

Given your point of view, I assume the prenup states that if you leave the marriage, you take nothing but the clothes on your back.

OK Op here and I need to clear something up. All she did was go back to work so he could quite his corporate job to start the business. It was 100 percent his idea, his blood, sweat, and tears, and she doesn't have an ounce of experience in the field. She truly knows nothing about the business. She just did her part as a martial team and had to be the breadwinner for 3-4 years. In my opinion ANYONE should be willing to work and not get rewarded for life for it. Its not like she had the knowledge or the idea behind the business. I think thats an important point of clarification.

Wow op! She did enough... She helped him start the business and build it by being the primary breadwinner. She was probably his emotional support and probably the primary caregiver too while he poured insane hours to make his business successful. Question would be why did she not ask for 50%? You on the other hand are marrying an already established man... Hope he is smart enough to insure that you get nothing of his business and saves it for his kids. Unbelievable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow this was harsh and maybe needed. I am not a gold digger and we will obviously have a prenup since we both have children. I was just in shock because boyfriend had previously told me that he does not pay alimony. Well maybe not but you give her 22 percent of your income!!! Boyfriend is not looking to buy her out and I respect that. I guess I just have to look at it like she was an initial investor of his start up. For the pp who asked about college they agreed to him paying 70 percent and her paying 30. She forfeited her 22 percent the first 21 months of the divorce as her way of "buying out" the house. If you add those numbers up he got screwed there too. He just has an attitude like "you can always make more money" while I find her selfishness irritating he doesn't. I need to take his lead and let it go.

Amazing... You are the one who is selfish... Not her. She was a true partner... And that is why they split fairly. I bet your divorce was contentious.