Reply to Talking engagement and find out boyfriends deal with EXwife

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, again, I really do get it.  I really do.  And from what you have described, your DH sounds a little passive about everything.  But he's happy, and his ex is happy, and the kids are happy, and they're all okay with things.  Some men value avoiding conflict over valuing money.  My DH is like this.  For years and years, he and his ex made the exact same salary (they are both feds at the same GS level) and he paid her way more in child support than guidelines require, and also paid every single "extra" for their daughter.  He never took a vacation, never spent money on himself, and even loaned his ex thousands of dollars to pay for vacations that she would take with their daughter.  Basically, his ex walked all over him and took advantage of him in a huge way.  She is awful and I loathe her selfishness.

But you know what?  He consented to it.  And he was pretty content with the whole arrangement.  He knew it was unfair, but his daughter was happy and his ex was off his back and he simply accepted less for himself.  (Sadly, he has low self-esteem, so he's used to accepting second or third best or worse for himself.)

It really made me angry on his behalf that she took such advantage of him.  But in a way, I infantalized him.  This is what he is choosing for himself.

This is what your boyfriend has chosen and what he is okay with.  It is VERY likely that he will continue to act like this.  Like, his ex may have way more money than you guys but he might decide that he should pay 100% of an extravagant wedding for his daughter 10 years from now.  Yes, you will be right that this is totally unfair, but you are NOT going to change him.  You are signing yourself up for a LOT of strife if it is going to bother you this much that he shoulders way more than a "fair" share of the financial burden of his children.

Short story: it sucks and it's not fair and that's who HE is.  Please, please spare yourself a lot of heartache and don't marry him.  Let him keep giving generously, overly generously to his ex in peace.  Your quest for fairness is only going to drive you both nuts.[/quote]

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