My Daughter is Being bullied in KINDERGARTEN!

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]To answer your question, I tried play dates beforehand. Needless to say it didn't work, I saw small glimpses of this and that's why they don't know each other that well. It was not an issue because my child had tons of other friends to play with so I just let it go rather than force them together. After all we don't have to be friends with everyone in life, though it would be nice. It only became an issue when they were put into the same class. That took everything to a whole new level. I came here looking for advice/tools to make the situation better and to help my daughter in her time of need. I feel that it is important to fix it now before these new friendships are cemented and my daughter finds herself alone without friend/allies because the other little girl blocked them all. The teacher said she was sitting by herself in a corner every day. I saw this yesterday at pickup while volunteering. Meanwhile the other girl had a group of girl classmates surrounding her on the carpet, backs to my daughter. The writing is on the wall so I am trying to nip it in the bud now.[/quote]

Then schedule playdates with the other girls. I wouldn't jump to moving your DD so soon. I think it's important for her to learn how to deal with this rather than you swooping in and removing her from the situation. Helping her deal with this will be more beneficial to her in the long term. Try the playdates with the other girls and give it a month or so.

[Anonymous]

Question: are there any other girls in there that are not in this group?

[Anonymous]

OPi still don't understand - I've volunteered at my K child's very large school every day this week doing the same sort of thing you mention (walk kids to the bus, open yogurt at lunch) and I've seen my son for about 30 seconds total. How is it that you're spending somuch time observing your child? How is it that the teacher knew her well enough to comment on a personality change - esp since no Kindergarteners are really in a normal state during their first few days of school? Your story still seems very weird to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OPi still don't understand - I've volunteered at my K child's very large school every day this week doing the same sort of thing you mention (walk kids to the bus, open yogurt at lunch) and I've seen my son for about 30 seconds total. How is it that you're spending somuch time observing your child? How is it that the teacher knew her well enough to comment on a personality change - esp since no Kindergarteners are really in a normal state during their first few days of school? Your story still seems very weird to me.

Totally agree. When I've volunteered for the class for anything like this (lunch helper) I am so busy I'm not focused on conversations of actions beyond my task. How would her husband have also seen something? How would the teacher know the kid's personality after a few days? I think this is way our of proportion, her own kid is having an adjustment and sensitive, and the mom is looming to jump In At any little issue to save the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is the first three days of school and my daughter is being bullied in Kindergarten. I am in complete shock that this happens in Kindergarten when children are so young and sweet but it is indeed happening. I volunteer at the school and so does my husband. We have witnessed first hand this little girl isolating my daughter and talking mean to her, pushing her out of line, telling her that she "hates her and to go away" and telling all of the other little girls not to play with my daughter. If the other girls stay for one second to talk to her, this little girl physically pulls the other little girls away. My daughter came home from school yesterday and she recounted every single mean detail us through tears.

I have noticed my daughter's personality has changed quickly and so did the teacher who brought it up to me. We talked to the parents and I contacted the teacher but I am not sure what good this is going to do. It is only three days into school and I don't want anymore damage done because three days of this is enough. My formerly happy confident daughter is a sobbing terrified mess the very first week of her educational career. How long do you wait for things to try to work out? Before you consider pulling your daughter out of the same class as the child? Maybe this school isn't even a fit for her and she needs a school that is smaller, where there are more adults keeping an eye on bullying? How do I tell her to handle it while she is at school so she can regain some confidence and control over the situation?

I honestly want advice from other parents whose children were bullied at a young age and what they did to handle the situation. Please kind and constructive comments only.

Thanks!

Well, when it was happening to our child in K we just attributed it to her natural penchant for drama and exaggeration. It wasn't until a year later in 1st after all sorts of behavioral issues started showing up that we realized we had a real problem.

Things I wish we had done:

1) Spent more time determining if what my daughter was reporting was real. I know young kids aren't reliable sources of information but there's often a kernel of truth.

2) Been more aggressive with the administration once we realized there was a problem. We trusted the administration to take it seriously and handle the problem. They did not.

3) Report the bullying officially. MCPS has a bullying form that you're supposed to fill out when incidents occur. We were unaware of this and the school never once mentioned this form to us.

4) Pulled our daughter out of school earlier. We went private for a couple of years before moving back to another public.

Good luck. Make sure you report it officially; the school has to deal with it if you do.

[Anonymous]

I am not giving more details because I don't owe you naysayers squat. What is with all of these posters who try to stir the pot on this site? I came here for advice not for a damn debate. I am so sorry for the other women whose children have endured this, thank you for sharing your stories. I am confident it can be resolved with the right approach which is what I came here to seek.

One last time, I do not feel that the other little girl is a "bad" girl AT ALL. She is in Kindergarten, she can't be, she is still a little kid learning the ropes herself. For anyone who thinks I am implying that she is a bad child, you are dead wrong. But she is causing serious issues for my DD that need to be immediately stopped so that it doesn't become part of the routine.

Now I have a plan which includes coaching my own daughter to be tougher. I did not realize, for all her strengths (outgoing, joyful, easy going, peace maker) that she was not prepared for this. Now I do. We have some changing to do to get through this thing called life because it is only going to get tougher. But I have her back. I realize all this now, in large part, thanks to the advice and stories I got here today.

Funny how the bullies posting here really opened up my eyes that bullying isn't just a little kid/teenager problem. A great lesson learned.

I am grateful to all of you for the advice and empathize with everyone who has been here before. To the rest of you, I am done here now.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]I am not giving more details because I don't owe you naysayers squat. What is with all of these posters who try to stir the pot on this site? I came here for advice not for a damn debate. I am so sorry for the other women whose children have endured this, thank you for sharing your stories. I am confident it can be resolved with the right approach which is what I came here to seek.

One last time, I do not feel that the other little girl is a "bad" girl AT ALL. She is in Kindergarten, she can't be, she is still a little kid learning the ropes herself. For anyone who thinks I am implying that she is a bad child, you are dead wrong. But she is causing serious issues for my DD that need to be immediately stopped so that it doesn't become part of the routine.

Now I have a plan which includes coaching my own daughter to be tougher. I did not realize, for all her strengths (outgoing, joyful, easy going, peace maker) that she was not prepared for this. Now I do. We have some changing to do to get through this thing called life because it is only going to get tougher. But I have her back. I realize all this now, in large part, thanks to the advice and stories I got here today.

[b]Funny how the bullies posting here really opened up my eyes that bullying isn't just a little kid/teenager problem.[/b] A great lesson learned.

I am grateful to all of you for the advice and empathize with everyone who has been here before. To the rest of you, I am done here now. [/quote]

Mean posts on DCUM are not bullying.

[i]The definition of bullying adopted by psychologists is physical or verbal abuse, repeated over time, and involving a power imbalance. In other words, it’s about one person with more social status lording it over another person, over and over again, to make him miserable.[/i]

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/12/opinion/defining-bullying-down.html?_r=0

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]I am not giving more details because I don't owe you naysayers squat. What is with all of these posters who try to stir the pot on this site? I came here for advice not for a damn debate. I am so sorry for the other women whose children have endured this, thank you for sharing your stories. I am confident it can be resolved with the right approach which is what I came here to seek.

One last time, I do not feel that the other little girl is a "bad" girl AT ALL. She is in Kindergarten, she can't be, she is still a little kid learning the ropes herself. For anyone who thinks I am implying that she is a bad child, you are dead wrong. But she is causing serious issues for my DD that need to be immediately stopped so that it doesn't become part of the routine.

Now I have a plan which includes coaching my own daughter to be tougher. I did not realize, for all her strengths (outgoing, joyful, easy going, peace maker) that she was not prepared for this. Now I do. We have some changing to do to get through this thing called life because it is only going to get tougher. But I have her back. I realize all this now, in large part, thanks to the advice and stories I got here today.

Funny how the bullies posting here really opened up my eyes that bullying isn't just a little kid/teenager problem. A great lesson learned.

I am grateful to all of you for the advice and empathize with everyone who has been here before. To the rest of you, I am done here now. [/quote]

OP,
You sound wonderful and supportive. I'm sure you will help your daughter through this and she will come out stronger and know how to handle things like this better in the future. I have been a volunteer and a paid employee in an elementary school through the past few years and have seen these types of things happen. I always addressed it with the students and informed the teacher of what I saw. These kids need to know that the adults are there to help when they need it, and the bullies need to know that this behavior in unacceptable and won't be tolerated. The more the adults step up, the less you will see of this happening.

Good luck and hugs to you and your daughter!

[Anonymous]

Sadly my daughter was bullied in pre-K. It starts early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't worry OP. In 12 years your daughter and the bully will be driving in a nice stretch limo together on a double date to prom. In a few decades they will be posting pictures on the latest iteration of Facebook in each other's weddings. They won't even remember those Kindergarten days.

OP I am giving you a somewhat "happy" ending to a bulling story. My daughter was bullied in 3rd grade by a former friend (4 years ago). Since my daughter was older and was a good friend to a lot of other kids, she was able to handle the situation but for a month or so she came home and cried every day. I made sure that the bully felt ramifications of her behavior too. Honestly, the bully needs to learn boundaries and sometimes the parents aren't in position to teach them. My daughter was supposed to go to an event with the bully and another child together and I told my daughter that I was pulling her from that event because I had too much respect for my daughter to allow her to be treated that way by a "friend". The third mom was supposed to take the three girls together and I did tell the third mom why I was pulling my daughter. I did something else special with my daughter that day so she didn't feel like she was being punished. I never addressed it with the bully's mom. I didn't know the bully's mom well and I didn't feel comfortable contacting her.

I also did a lot of role playing with my daughter which was very helpful. Also I sent an email to all of my daughter's teachers and explained the situation from my daughter's perspective. I never referred to the girl as a bully in my emails to the teachers and I said if I am hearing only half a story or if my daughter is being disrespectful to let me know. I told the other teachers that I expected my daughter to be polite to the bully but that my daughter did not have to play with someone who was continually treating her poorly. I told my daughter if the bully tried to join the group that my daughter was playing at recess for example that she should excuse herself and find another activity. It's really powerful for a "good" kid to hear that not everyone has to be your friend.

Recently, I saw the bully's mom at another social event and she told me that her daughter was having a lot of "problems" making friends. Out of compassion, I asked my daughter if she would invite the bully to her birthday party who heartily agreed. It was a large party and I told my daughter just to be friendly and that if she didn't feel comfortable that she didn't have to hang out with the girl. My daughter said the girl was very nice at the party.

I don't think the two of them will be life long friends (I would discourage that) and the girl still has a reputation of being somewhat of a bully but as kids age dynamics change. When I thought the other girl was capable of treating my daughter somewhat respectfully, I encouraged my daughter to have empathy for her and to include her in certain activities such as the birthday party. The girl has had a very tough family life.

OP- When your child is being bullied you have to teach your kid boundaries of what is acceptable/non-acceptable. The posters who said to have the kids play together are clueless. I would actually tell your daughter the opposite. I would say something like- We are not going to Larla's house (if invited for a playdate) because Larla can't treat you with respect and I care too much about you to put you in that situation. Even more powerful might be, I'm not going to invite Larla over to our house because she is demonstrating behavior that is unacceptable in this house. Unfortunately, there are certain place like school where you are going to have to deal with difficult people like Larla. The best thing you can do is to not engage her and find other kids to play with. You must be respectful of Larla but you do not have to be her friend. I also want you to keep an open mind, I know that people make mistakes and have bad days and you wouldn't want people to judge you based on your worst day. If Larla changes and starts demonstrating good behavior (not hot and cold) then you should be inclusive at school.

Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is the first three days of school and my daughter is being bullied in Kindergarten. I am in complete shock that this happens in Kindergarten when children are so young and sweet but it is indeed happening. I volunteer at the school and so does my husband. We have witnessed first hand this little girl isolating my daughter and talking mean to her, pushing her out of line, telling her that she "hates her and to go away" and telling all of the other little girls not to play with my daughter. If the other girls stay for one second to talk to her, this little girl physically pulls the other little girls away. My daughter came home from school yesterday and she recounted every single mean detail us through tears.

I have noticed my daughter's personality has changed quickly and so did the teacher who brought it up to me. We talked to the parents and I contacted the teacher but I am not sure what good this is going to do. It is only three days into school and I don't want anymore damage done because three days of this is enough. My formerly happy confident daughter is a sobbing terrified mess the very first week of her educational career. How long do you wait for things to try to work out? Before you consider pulling your daughter out of the same class as the child? Maybe this school isn't even a fit for her and she needs a school that is smaller, where there are more adults keeping an eye on bullying? How do I tell her to handle it while she is at school so she can regain some confidence and control over the situation?

I honestly want advice from other parents whose children were bullied at a young age and what they did to handle the situation. Please kind and constructive comments only.

Thanks!

OP this is a horrible situation. sorry this is happening to your DD.

I have not read the replies past the first few where you were called a "nightmare".

On the days when you are in the classroom, maybe you can "accidentally" record your DD enjoying her day at school....if you get my drift. then you can share that with the administration. If its as bad as you are saying, I dare them to turn a blind eye to it. But whatever you do- DO NOT engage the offenders' parents. they will go psycho on you - as is evidenced by all the nasty replies you've gotten.

[Anonymous]

16:37- I also want to say to anyone who is annoyed that I used the term bully for a third grader- I was just using the term to get the point across. I don't want to have an in depth discussion about what or what a bully is. The girl demonstrated many bullying behaviors so in the context of her relationship with my daughter, she was a bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The second response called OP an nightmare. I would say that is mean.

Maybe, but don't you think OP is being "mean" by freaking out about this other girl on an issue that's happened for all of 3 days? Enough to post here even though the teacher and parents are supposedly already involved?

Seriously, you call that mean? You are groping for excuses PP. You were mean. OP was not.

[Anonymous]

I had no idea that bullying happened so young.

My DD is starting elementary school. What advice do folks have about preparation to help a kindergartener navigate socially during the first weeks of school?

Should parents not get involved and just address any issues as they arise? Or should we have a conversation with our child about "how we treat people" "how we expect others to treat us" and "what to do if other people don't treat us the way we want to be treated?

If so, at what age should these discussions start?

I don't want to hijack OPs thread but this is a good and important discussion...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OPi still don't understand - I've volunteered at my K child's very large school every day this week doing the same sort of thing you mention (walk kids to the bus, open yogurt at lunch) and I've seen my son for about 30 seconds total. How is it that you're spending somuch time observing your child? How is it that the teacher knew her well enough to comment on a personality change - esp since no Kindergarteners are really in a normal state during their first few days of school? Your story still seems very weird to me.

Totally agree. When I've volunteered for the class for anything like this (lunch helper) I am so busy I'm not focused on conversations of actions beyond my task. How would her husband have also seen something? How would the teacher know the kid's personality after a few days? I think this is way our of proportion, her own kid is having an adjustment and sensitive, and the mom is looming to jump In At any little issue to save the day.

Another one who thinks the whole story is weird. It just doesn't sound like what would happen in any school or any kindergarten class. The whole story sounds a bit contrived. Any time I volunteered in my kids kindergarten class, or when I was in the lunch room helping, there really was not enough time and there was so much action happening that it is just not possible to sit and observe every interaction with my own child.

I also find it hard to believe that the teacher is just letting the kids all clump together and exclude one child during the first three days of school. They have those kids very guided on where to sit and what to do. They just aren't going to leave them to their own devices like that the first three days of school and they aren't going to let all the girls congregate like that and obviously and deliberately leave out one child.