My Daughter is Being bullied in KINDERGARTEN!

[Anonymous]

My daughter tells them to pick on someone their own size. (She is probably close to their size, so I think it throws them off balance). Would also advocate the child stay near a teacher. Bullys usually do their work when others are not around to call them on their action. Have her practice at home on how she wants to respond to the bully so she can have some good one liners ready.

[Anonymous]

Hi. It's the OP. First of all, I came back because I really do need the advice and I am willing to listen to a lot of ideas. I also wanted to post so that this issue would not be swept under the rug because I doubt I am alone. Therefore I am not a "troll" making this up. Thank you so much to the amazing women who are supportive, nonjudgemental and gave such excellent advice. Much of which I am absolutely going to use. It's good to know besides a few mean spirited women, that there is a sisterhood among women that can be tapped even in cyberspace.

The reason I turned to the board to begin with is that the Mom of the child is a friend of mine and I do not want to ask mutual friends for advice because that isn't fair to the mother or the child. Even if true, it amounts to nasty gossip. I care very much for both of them. Our children know each other but not that well. They ended up in the same class together by chance at a very large school. So I did not "convene" a meeting with the parents. It happened naturally. The teacher reached out to me about the personality change, not the other way around, I saw what I saw on the playground (as did the hubby) but waited for my daughter to tell me what was up when she came home sobbing after I asked her what was wrong.

I volunteered because I am charge of all the volunteers. It's what I was asked to do and I am happy to do it. So I walk kids safely to the bus at the end of the day, open their Gogurts, wipe away tears when they are missing their Moms those first few days. That's why I was there, not to smother my kids (there are two) but to help out. Thankfully I was there because otherwise I may have missed the cues, time would have passed and I would be wondering what happened to my daughter who has always had tons of friends, lots of laughter and a healthy confidence.

Thank you for all of the advice and support. I am taking many of these points to heart...the role playing, words to use, steps to take, the American girl book. In fact, I will be going to Barnes and Nobles tonight to buy it. I am sure there are going to be more mean posters who hack me to bits, but they can have at it. It says more about their character than mine.

[Anonymous]

I was bullied in KG. I don't really know how it stopped. Mostly I was able to build a separate set of friends, and I think the girl who bullied me eventually grew out of that phase.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you came back OP. I hope these things work out for you and your daughter. They are simple growing pains. I would mention this behavior to your friend at some point though, just so that she is aware of her own daughter's behavior and has an opportunity to address it. The most appropriate time for that, I admit I'm not sure.

When things like this happen remember that your daughter will need to see your confidence and strength too, otherwise she may become more stressed if you show your stress to her. Not that you can't feel - it is just that more is caught than taught. I hope this little bump quickly smoothes over, and your daughter has a great rest of the school year.

[Anonymous]

OP - if you know the kid and mom (and care for them as you said), then why don't you schedule some playdates.. although, I'd be a bit leary of my DC playing with a kid like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been three days and you've already had a conference witb the teacher and called other parents? You sound like a nightmare.

Bull$hi! The bully will ruin the entire year if not stopped. Take this from one who has taught, volunteered and tried to put the pieces of our DC's life back together.

You are not a nightmare, OP. The bully and whomever enables him is the nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I taught my DD to take a step forward and say loudly "you're not the boss of me/us!" and repeat as necessary.

^^PP here Yes, there must be a firm, assertive push back. Bullies pick on kind and sensitive people. Gotta get some kickass (age appropriate) cheerful responses at the ready.

[Anonymous]

To answer your question, I tried play dates beforehand. Needless to say it didn't work, I saw small glimpses of this and that's why they don't know each other that well. It was not an issue because my child had tons of other friends to play with so I just let it go rather than force them together. After all we don't have to be friends with everyone in life, though it would be nice. It only became an issue when they were put into the same class. That took everything to a whole new level. I came here looking for advice/tools to make the situation better and to help my daughter in her time of need. I feel that it is important to fix it now before these new friendships are cemented and my daughter finds herself alone without friend/allies because the other little girl blocked them all. The teacher said she was sitting by herself in a corner every day. I saw this yesterday at pickup while volunteering. Meanwhile the other girl had a group of girl classmates surrounding her on the carpet, backs to my daughter. The writing is on the wall so I am trying to nip it in the bud now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I don't know if you are still reading this, but the "mean girl" attitude starts early. You have to teach your DD to stand up for herself. I know it's hard. I have a 6 yr old DD. If this happened to her, I would be saddened, too. The teacher is aware, so hopefully the teacher can have a discussion with all the kids about social inclusion. I know of a 2nd grade teacher that had to talk to all the girls in the class about social bullying. This is all part of the socialization that kids have to learn in K.

Teach your DD to speak up. ESs usually has a mantra about how to handle conflict. Use that. Role play with your DD. You be the "mean girl". I've spoken to my DD about how to speak up for herself. Say, "you are hurting my feelings.".. "that's not nice." I don't know if that works, but it does teach your child to speak up for herself and be less intimidated.

Good luck.

Of course this doesn't work. The mean girls knows full well she is not being nice and is hurting the other child's feelings. That's why she's doing it, to state the obvious.

^^^ Thank you. Do NOT teach your kid to tell a bully that the bully hurts feelings. The bully already knows this and derives satisfaction from it. The bully already knows she is being mean, and the effect she has on her targets.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Hi. It's the OP. First of all, I came back because I really do need the advice and I am willing to listen to a lot of ideas. I also wanted to post so that this issue would not be swept under the rug because I doubt I am alone. Therefore I am not a "troll" making this up. Thank you so much to the amazing women who are supportive, nonjudgemental and gave such excellent advice. Much of which I am absolutely going to use. It's good to know besides a few mean spirited women, that there is a sisterhood among women that can be tapped even in cyberspace.

The reason I turned to the board to begin with is that the Mom of the child is a friend of mine and I do not want to ask mutual friends for advice because that isn't fair to the mother or the child. Even if true, it amounts to nasty gossip. I care very much for both of them. Our children know each other but not that well. They ended up in the same class together by chance at a very large school. So I did not "convene" a meeting with the parents. It happened naturally. The teacher reached out to me about the personality change, not the other way around, I saw what I saw on the playground (as did the hubby) but waited for my daughter to tell me what was up when she came home sobbing after I asked her what was wrong.

I volunteered because I am charge of all the volunteers. It's what I was asked to do and I am happy to do it. So I walk kids safely to the bus at the end of the day, open their Gogurts, wipe away tears when they are missing their Moms those first few days. That's why I was there, not to smother my kids (there are two) but to help out. Thankfully I was there because otherwise I may have missed the cues, time would have passed and I would be wondering what happened to my daughter who has always had tons of friends, lots of laughter and a healthy confidence.

Thank you for all of the advice and support. I am taking many of these points to heart...the role playing, words to use, steps to take, the American girl book. In fact, I will be going to Barnes and Nobles tonight to buy it. I am sure there are going to be more mean posters who hack me to bits, but they can have at it. It says more about their character than mine.

[/quote]

I am not a pp but thanks for clarifying about the volunteering, op. I think a lot of people were thrown because most teachers don't allow parent volunteers in the classroom the first couple of weeks of school. But what you are describing is not a class specific volunteer role but a PTA volunteer role. I'm sorry that your dd is going through this. It's really rough and it's hard when the perpetrator is a child of a friend. I will say that although this is bad you can't seem upset around your child. She has to know that this isn't the worst thing in the world and that you know that she can get through this. My dd and another friend had problems with another child in early elementary and the other girl's mom would cry about it -- both to me and her daughter. It didn't help anyone and only made her daughter feel more helpless. I'm not sure what American Girl book was recommended to you but there are so many that are great. My dd is 13 now, has the whole collection and still reads them (although many are for middle school ages). Good luck and keep us posted. It really sucks that this stuff is starting in K now...

[Anonymous]

OP: Kids in K go in and out of friendships. It does sound like this child is a problem. Don't pity your child, help her get over it. Sympathize--but, no PITY. Help her solve the problem. It will only get worse if you don't.

[Anonymous]

Here is a useful resource from my school. It is emphasized a lot, and if you want to get a kid to stop their behavior, you just have to say they are bullying and that you will report them to the school. That really gets their attention.

http://www.fcps.edu/ForestvilleES/2012-13_Events/Forestville%20Parent%20PPT%20revised%20%20July%202012.pdf

[Anonymous]

The teacher said she was sitting by herself in a corner every day.

OP-is your daughter shy? Introverted? My daughter was one of those who kept to herself. She was not bullied in K, but she was later.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry OP. In 12 years your daughter and the bully will be driving in a nice stretch limo together on a double date to prom. In a few decades they will be posting pictures on the latest iteration of Facebook in each other's weddings. They won't even remember those Kindergarten days.

[Anonymous]

If the other child continues to bully OP's daughter, she will no doubt remember it. But, hopefully, she can also remember how she was able to get through it with her parents' and her teacher's help.

OP, I would not try any playdates with the little girl right now. Perhaps she is going through a phase and will later be a friend. But right now, you should not expect your daughter to play host to someone who is not nice to her at school. It is very confusing. I know, BTDT.

Good luck to you, OP.