If you had a parent that had an affair....

[Anonymous]

My dad had an affair with my mom's best friend when I was 8 years old. He decided he loved the friend and kicked my mom, me and my sister out of the house to be with her. We moved in with my maternal grandparents 10 hours away and my mom raised us on her own in poverty, struggling to find work even after she went back to community college and earned a degree. I was too young at the time to get how horrible that was -- plus I adored my father and was very close to his mistress - she was almost like a second mom to me and loved my sister and I very much. So at first I blamed my mom for taking us away from him. And for a few years I would spend my summers with my dad and the mistress. By the time I was in junior high school I realized what a massive jerk my dad was and refused to go stay with him any more. Our relationship is now civil, but distant, my sister hasn't spoken to him in almost a decade and the mistress eventually committed suicide after my father refused to marry her. Very tragic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dad only saw you once a month. And when he did I'm sure it's clear you weren't in the best situation. He knew where you were living. He didn't support you. You wanted your mom to do more to save the marriage but when someone has started ANOTHER FAMILY you can pretty much put a fork in it. Who would want to save a marriage like that!? Now clearly your mom let this ruin her life and she's not resilient. She absolutely should have moved on by now but holy crap there was nothing for her to save! All I know is if my parents had divorced my dad would have still done whatever he could have to be around me and support me financially.

My dad only saw me once a month because he lived in another state and that's what the court allowed. He gave what he could. He earned a lot less than my mom did at that point because he only had a high school diploma then. He actually started college a year before I did. And he emotionally supported me more than my mother ever has.

Lots of women stay in their marriages after the husband has a baby with a mistress. There were men in my mom's own family who had second families. My mom only cared because my dad was happy.

Speaking of happy, I've wasted enough time trying to explain this. The OP --who is NOT me, btw-- asked the question and I answered it truthfully. My dad's affair and my mother's reaction to it had a huge negative impact on my tween and teen years. I've moved on. I'm happy. My kids are happy. My dad is happy. My mom isn't happy but she prefers it that way.

I'm glad you're happy. But, you have a really twisted view of what women are worth. This is evident in the fact that your expectation for women is that they should tolerate lies and second families and that the children of fathers should expect so little financial support and time with them. It's shocking to me that you think your father's differential financial support of his children is OK, and that you think it was OK that he lived in another state and only saw you once a month. But, I'm sure that you have to believe this in order to have a "good" relationship with one of your parents.

Your mom is bitter because your father did something that was one of the worst betrayals possible. He changed her life in an irrevocable way. There is nothing a woman can do to "deserve" the kind of treatment, i.e. secret family, that your father dished out, no matter what was going on in the marriage. IMO, adultery is a form of serious emotional abuse. The aftermath often leaves women traumatized with a kind of PTSD. Not to mention the serious economic impact that many women find it difficult or impossible to recover from.

Your viewpoint, to me, is akin to telling an abused wife that she should tolerate being beaten because many other women tolerate it.

[Anonymous]

My MIL has had lots of affairs. She has an affair with DH's third grade teacher, and an affair with his camp counselor when he was a teen. Right now she's having an affair with an old boyfriend. I think my FIL knows and doesn't care. We (DH & his brothers and their wives) all know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

You blame your mom for not just dealing with his second family? It is your dad's fault. He is the one who made the choice to have an affair, not pay child support, or not see you. And before you say your mom wouldn't let him see you, he could've gone to court. He could have had the visitation schedule enforced. Your dad just did not want to deal with you. A good father would have made an effort to have a relationship with his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did your mom have to pursue child support? If your dad is so blameless, why didn't he support you voluntarily? PP, you are messed up.

My mom made more than my dad did (she had a college degree; he didn't) so it wasn't automatically granted. And my dad did pay the rent, and possibly some other bills. Also, we could have lived in a better neighborhood where housing was just as cheap, but she wanted to live near her family in the city. I don't think my dad is blameless, but he apologized numerous times, he never blamed my mom, and she always blamed him. She still rails on and on about him. It's part of her martyrdom. Too bad she needed us to witness her suffering. I think that she felt more satisfaction in what she saw as our degradation at his hands than she did in leaving the ghetto when we were finally grown.

I know others are giving you a hard time but I understand completely. My father also had an affair and my mom kicked him out also. My father was wrong for what he did and has admitted it and apologized several times - to us and our mother. He did not end up with his affair partner but he has since remarried a woman who is very good to him and to us and they have one child. Folks are not going to believe this, but he actually was a better father after the divorce. More engaged.

My mother on the other hand wallowed in the victimhood of it. Trashed my dad at every opportunity and NEVER attempted to move on with her life. She would made decisions about us in such a way as to spite my dad and make him look bad - he offered to pay for summer camps for us and she refused to let us go - refused to let us go on vacation with our dad when we had no other plans - making us return things he had bought us. Like you PP. she wanted us to hate him as much as she did. In my case, my father attempted to be a father to us and give us everything that our half-sibling had, but my mother always attempted to use us against him. At the end of the day, she probably needed counseling, but this was in a time where it was not as accepted as it is today. My siblings and I were talking about this a short time ago. We never questioned our father's love for us because he constantly battled my mother to be in our lives - more than most men would.

This is a completely different situation. The person you are quoting basically said her dad never tried to have a relationship with her. Yours did.

[Anonymous]

Both of my parents are still having affairs. My Dad has had multiple and my Mom has had the same other man for 30+ years. She told me about everything when I was 19 (I'm now 35) and even introduced me to her other man. My Dad doesn't know that I know and they pretend like everything is normal, yet they are both miserable. They fight and are both depressed. I wish they would just divorce and be done with it. I don't know how to deal with either of them anymore and frankly I don't really want to....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

You blame your mom for not just dealing with his second family? It is your dad's fault. He is the one who made the choice to have an affair, not pay child support, or not see you. And before you say your mom wouldn't let him see you, he could've gone to court. He could have had the visitation schedule enforced. Your dad just did not want to deal with you. A good father would have made an effort to have a relationship with his children.

A good mother wouldn't keep her children from their father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad had an affair with his secretary. I first recognized it when I was about 13. I finally asked him about it when I was 16 and he denied it. By this time, I knew my mom suspected but didn't know 100%. Mom and Dad lived apart and together off and on for the next 15 years when my mom finally divorced him. I loved my Dad so much, but I hated him for the pain he caused everyone, especially my mom who didn't deserve it. My dad died recently and at the time of his death he was living with his mistress (and had been for a couple years). He always maintained that they got together after my mom AND that he would never marry the other woman. Found out after he died that they had been married. There are so many other painful details to this story that I have left out but bottom line to me is that once you have children, the selfishness of an affair is a while different story. I could never, ever hurt my own children the way my siblings and I hurt because of my Dad. And we really did love him in so many ways.

THIS

[Anonymous]

My mom had an affair when I was 5-6. I knew about it, because we lived in a small apartment and I could hear my parents fight. There was also a single mom of a girl from my class who knew about the affair and tried to charm my dad. I guess my dad felt that this could win my mom back and flirted/hung out with that woman. The woman's daughter (my classmate) would tell me all sorts of things about my mother and her affair, but I pretended I don't care. I cried a lot at night and was scared my parents would get divorced. I love my parents and don't judge them, they got back together but the whole thing traumatized me for years- I was freaked out when someone of an opposite gender would hang out around any of my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Wuuuuut? You blame your MOM for your shitty childhood when it was your Dad who betrayed your family and had a whole secret life? You expected your mom to forgive someone who would have been so utterly underhanded and dishonest, just so you could have more "cushy" stuff? And why shouldn't she trash her ex and his mistress? He sounds like complete scum!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse.

How is it your mother's responsibility that your father chose to lavish his secret family with wealth but kept you in poverty? What prevented him from sending you money to help you escape from the ghetto? What prevented him from seeking custody of you?

You are truly blaming the victim here. Your father could have chosen to be a better dad. The fact that he is apologizing now and your mom is still depressed and bitter may simply reflect the fact that his life is pretty comfortable, and apologizing costs him nothing, while your mom is still miserable thanks to his betrayal and having had to live in poverty all these years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse.

Blame your dad for having the affair AND not giving you enough money so you didn't have the live in the ghetto. How can a woman save her marriage when he husband has left her for another woman?

He didn't leave voluntarily. He was supporting two separate families until my mom made him leave when she found out. My mom didn't pursue support through the courts and she could have let us go live with my dad. She wanted us to hate our dad. My brother does, so I guess she got half of what she wanted.

So your dad chose to leave you in poverty because the court system wasn't forcing him to pay child support? What a prize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse.

Blame your dad for having the affair AND not giving you enough money so you didn't have the live in the ghetto. How can a woman save her marriage when he husband has left her for another woman?

He didn't leave voluntarily. He was supporting two separate families until my mom made him leave when she found out. My mom didn't pursue support through the courts and she could have let us go live with my dad. She wanted us to hate our dad. My brother does, so I guess she got half of what she wanted.

You need some help, your dad is a douche.

+1. Profuse apologies from your dad--well after the fact, I might add--do not absolve him of the incredibly shitty and deceitful behaviors on his part. He fucked up big time, and he also managed to get his daughter to place the blame on the mother of his kids. Please get thee to a good therapist. Your understanding of responsibility, trust, and loyalty are seriously messed up.

[Anonymous]

My parents were married 32 yrs & got divorced when I was in college. Both had affairs during the course of their marriage. They remain very friendly (we do holidays, etc together). My sis & I knew about the affairs at the time (ES or MS and on, can't remember exactly when). We both have very good relationships with our parents but definitely do not respect their actions or decisions. I guess we've recognized them as human failings and love the person in spite of the crappy behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse. [/quote

WTF? You said your dad had a whole separate family. What should your mom do?]