If you had a parent that had an affair....

[Anonymous]

My dad cheated on my mom a lot. They are still together. Unfortunately he also gave her a permanent std with it and her self esteem has been ruined. I myself have a lot of trust issues with men. My dh is such a good guy but it has affected our marriage sadly.

[Anonymous]

My dad had at least one affair and as far as they know I still don't know. But mom says the marriage "ended" when I was little but they stayed married until I was well into my 20s. I'm sure they don't want me to know the details, an I probably shouldn't since I maintain a good relationship with both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has had lots of affairs. She has an affair with DH's third grade teacher, and an affair with his camp counselor when he was a teen. Right now she's having an affair with an old boyfriend. I think my FIL knows and doesn't care. We (DH & his brothers and their wives) all know.

That woman must need cock to live.

[Anonymous]

My mom had affairs. Dad told us about ten years after her death. My mom was a wonderful person and I did not blame her at all. I hope it helped her find a little happiness because my dad was a very difficult man. I was not even a little bit mad at mom but I was mad at dad for telling us. One of the affairs was with a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:did you know about it? How did you find out and what age were you? How did this change your view of that parent?

When I was 10 yrs old I found a father's day card addressed to my father but it wasn't from me. I asked my mother about it and she said she didn't know anything. The following year, my father's then girlfriend told me that he had two children by my teenage pre-school teacher. I was the only one who didn't know. My mother knew each time the woman was pregnant because her BFF worked at the same hospital where my father and the teenager showed up for prenatal visits. My mother left my father when those children were 8 mos and 20 mos.

I was expected to just accept them, embrace them as siblings and move on; no discussion, therapy, apologies, nothing. Meanwhile my mother was humiliated, hurt, embarrassed and bitter. How do you have a relationship with two people who were brought into this world in less than ideal circumstances and not cause your mother immense pain? You can't... so you align yourself with your mother while your father's family hates you and constantly reminds you that you have two siblings and that you are selfish and that "you can't expect your father to make you a priority"...

Fast forward 30 years and I still feel lost and somewhat unwanted. My father is a broke, irresponsible man who ALWAYS needs something. My mother is a bitter, narcissistic, spiteful, insecure person who causes me much anxiety. She also told me when I was 15, "if I had it to all over again I would never have children." My children love both of my parents and I am grateful that they have living healthy grandparents. It's a conundrum wrapped in a mystery because I could move to a distant land and not be at all concerned about living far away from my parents. My children should have fond memories of their grandparents (as did I) so I stay close. My parents love my children in a way that they weren't capable of loving me. Was it me? Who knows. My children are pretty special and loved by many people so I understand the draw.

I'm not a religious person nor am I particularly spiritual but I have the most amazing spouse and children. I have a solid nuclear family and I am so grateful and blessed. I have to believe that the universe provided for me in a way so that my heart and spirit wouldn't be completely shattered forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

At least your mom had the self respect to get away from your dad. That's better than any money you missed out on, IMO. Why on earth should she have saved that marriage? He replaced her. There was nothing to save.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:did you know about it? How did you find out and what age were you? How did this change your view of that parent?

When I was 10 yrs old I found a father's day card addressed to my father but it wasn't from me. I asked my mother about it and she said she didn't know anything. The following year, my father's then girlfriend told me that he had two children by my teenage pre-school teacher. I was the only one who didn't know. My mother knew each time the woman was pregnant because her BFF worked at the same hospital where my father and the teenager showed up for prenatal visits. My mother left my father when those children were 8 mos and 20 mos.

I was expected to just accept them, embrace them as siblings and move on; no discussion, therapy, apologies, nothing. Meanwhile my mother was humiliated, hurt, embarrassed and bitter. How do you have a relationship with two people who were brought into this world in less than ideal circumstances and not cause your mother immense pain? You can't... so you align yourself with your mother while your father's family hates you and constantly reminds you that you have two siblings and that you are selfish and that "you can't expect your father to make you a priority"...

Fast forward 30 years and I still feel lost and somewhat unwanted. My father is a broke, irresponsible man who ALWAYS needs something. My mother is a bitter, narcissistic, spiteful, insecure person who causes me much anxiety. She also told me when I was 15, "if I had it to all over again I would never have children." My children love both of my parents and I am grateful that they have living healthy grandparents. It's a conundrum wrapped in a mystery because I could move to a distant land and not be at all concerned about living far away from my parents. My children should have fond memories of their grandparents (as did I) so I stay close. My parents love my children in a way that they weren't capable of loving me. Was it me? Who knows. My children are pretty special and loved by many people so I understand the draw.

I'm not a religious person nor am I particularly spiritual but I have the most amazing spouse and children. I have a solid nuclear family and I am so grateful and blessed. I have to believe that the universe provided for me in a way so that my heart and spirit wouldn't be completely shattered forever.

Oh my dear.... I hope you are in therapy for all this. It's terrible, really.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced suddenly when I was 16 after 30 years of happy marriage. My dad was engaged a month later to his mistress of 6 years, and I was the only one who knew about their affair. 20 years later, my dad is getting divorced from his second wife to marry his mistress (he told me this time.) Some people you just can't help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

You blame your mom for not just dealing with his second family? It is your dad's fault. He is the one who made the choice to have an affair, not pay child support, or not see you. And before you say your mom wouldn't let him see you, he could've gone to court. He could have had the visitation schedule enforced. Your dad just did not want to deal with you. A good father would have made an effort to have a relationship with his children.

A good mother wouldn't keep her children from their father.

Unless the father proved to be a terrible influence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced suddenly when I was 16 after 30 years of happy marriage. My dad was engaged a month later to his mistress of 6 years, and I was the only one who knew about their affair. 20 years later, my dad is getting divorced from his second wife to marry his mistress (he told me this time.) Some people you just can't help.

Guess the first mistress got what she deserved, even 20 yrs later. Hope she has some retrospect on the pain she caused you and your mother/family now. My X cheated and left for his "skank". I think they are still together (he's afraid to tell me). I had young kids at the time he left and he's never brought her around my kids. I always wonder at what point will they ask why we aren't together anymore and if they ever need to find out what a scumbag their dad was/is. He's now actively involved and the kids are well adjusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:did you know about it? How did you find out and what age were you? How did this change your view of that parent?

When I was 10 yrs old I found a father's day card addressed to my father but it wasn't from me. I asked my mother about it and she said she didn't know anything. The following year, my father's then girlfriend told me that he had two children by my teenage pre-school teacher. I was the only one who didn't know. My mother knew each time the woman was pregnant because her BFF worked at the same hospital where my father and the teenager showed up for prenatal visits. My mother left my father when those children were 8 mos and 20 mos.

I was expected to just accept them, embrace them as siblings and move on; no discussion, therapy, apologies, nothing. Meanwhile my mother was humiliated, hurt, embarrassed and bitter. How do you have a relationship with two people who were brought into this world in less than ideal circumstances and not cause your mother immense pain? You can't... so you align yourself with your mother while your father's family hates you and constantly reminds you that you have two siblings and that you are selfish and that "you can't expect your father to make you a priority"...

Fast forward 30 years and I still feel lost and somewhat unwanted. My father is a broke, irresponsible man who ALWAYS needs something. My mother is a bitter, narcissistic, spiteful, insecure person who causes me much anxiety. She also told me when I was 15, "if I had it to all over again I would never have children." My children love both of my parents and I am grateful that they have living healthy grandparents. It's a conundrum wrapped in a mystery because I could move to a distant land and not be at all concerned about living far away from my parents. My children should have fond memories of their grandparents (as did I) so I stay close. My parents love my children in a way that they weren't capable of loving me. Was it me? Who knows. My children are pretty special and loved by many people so I understand the draw.

I'm not a religious person nor am I particularly spiritual but I have the most amazing spouse and children. I have a solid nuclear family and I am so grateful and blessed. I have to believe that the universe provided for me in a way so that my heart and spirit wouldn't be completely shattered forever.

FWIW, I will tell you the same thing I have told my kids -- it wasn't you. Some people have children but just are never mature enough to do the right things with them. I say that even though no parent is perfect -- we all make mistakes raising children, but some people, like your Dad, just are fundamentally concerned only with themselves. They have no ability to understand the consequences of their actions, and even less so the emotional impact on others. It's a terrible thing that your father did, and it's unfortunate that you mom reacted the way she did, but try to have some sympathy for her, because in her era she likely got no support. I would say only in the last 5 years or less has repeated infidelity received attention as the serious form of emotional abuse that it is and has "complex post traumatic stress treatment" for the victim been offered. Even now, those victims who seek help get little more than victim-blaming.

[Anonymous]

My mom had an affair with another women through much of my childhood. My sister read her diary and we found out when I was in eighth grade. My parents divorced when I was a junior. It was devastating and I felt so humiliated and betrayed. I felt like I had a deep shameful secret I couldn't tell anyone.

Now I'm 35 and my mom and the woman are still together. Over the years, we've moved on. It certainly helped her case that my dad went on to date (and marry one of them) many a crazy woman, and he always prioritized them over us. In comparison, my mom's partner has always treated us with love and kindness.

[Anonymous]

My stepdad had the affair, and I had a sense that it was going on. My toddler half brother would tell me about his father's "friend" and the friend's son, who was a bit younger. As it turned out, he and his girlfriend would take their respective sons on outings to be able to see each other. Another time, I came home late - way late for a thirteen year old - from Dupont Circle when my mom was on a business trip. He was not angry at all when I got home (10 pm) and introduced me to his coworker (yes, the other woman). When I found out the truth I was not surprised.

My mom divorced him, but she's not over it. He went on to marry the other woman and my mom says the vilest shit about her, but continues to kind of adore her ex-husband. The situation is sickening. I don't have respect for either of them, but that's another story.