If you had a parent that had an affair....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dad only saw you once a month. And when he did I'm sure it's clear you weren't in the best situation. He knew where you were living. He didn't support you. You wanted your mom to do more to save the marriage but when someone has started ANOTHER FAMILY you can pretty much put a fork in it. Who would want to save a marriage like that!? Now clearly your mom let this ruin her life and she's not resilient. She absolutely should have moved on by now but holy crap there was nothing for her to save! All I know is if my parents had divorced my dad would have still done whatever he could have to be around me and support me financially.

My dad only saw me once a month because he lived in another state and that's what the court allowed. He gave what he could. He earned a lot less than my mom did at that point because he only had a high school diploma then. He actually started college a year before I did. And he emotionally supported me more than my mother ever has.

Lots of women stay in their marriages after the husband has a baby with a mistress. There were men in my mom's own family who had second families. My mom only cared because my dad was happy.

Speaking of happy, I've wasted enough time trying to explain this. The OP --who is NOT me, btw-- asked the question and I answered it truthfully. My dad's affair and my mother's reaction to it had a huge negative impact on my tween and teen years. I've moved on. I'm happy. My kids are happy. My dad is happy. My mom isn't happy but she prefers it that way.

People, this is clearly a troll who is making up the story as s/he goes along. Facts don't match earlier posts. Ignore.

[Anonymous]

Mom had an affair starting when I was about 6 (sister was 2) through age 9 when they got divorced. At the time they told me it was because "mom & dad didn't love each other anymore". When I was 14 my dad told us the truth. He caveated the story with that he wasn't trying to make her out to be a bad person, but felt we deserved to know what happened. Mom however continued to bash Dad at every opportunity. Apparently they tried counseling but mom would never show up.

Mom stayed with the man she had the affair with (her boss) for several years but it was apparent they were never happy and the toxicity of the relationship continued to affect us. Eventually cheated on him with another who is now her husband. It definitely estranged my relationship with my mom because I never liked the boyfriend, especially once I found out, and she never apologized to me & sibling for ripping our lives apart. SHe was increasingly absent once I got to high school (this was during the time of affair #2) - would often not come home at night and have no food in the house. If I called she wouldn't answer. I went to live with my dad which I am so grateful for. My sibling elected to live with my mom and got into heavy drugs and almost dropped out of high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dad only saw you once a month. And when he did I'm sure it's clear you weren't in the best situation. He knew where you were living. He didn't support you. You wanted your mom to do more to save the marriage but when someone has started ANOTHER FAMILY you can pretty much put a fork in it. Who would want to save a marriage like that!? Now clearly your mom let this ruin her life and she's not resilient. She absolutely should have moved on by now but holy crap there was nothing for her to save! All I know is if my parents had divorced my dad would have still done whatever he could have to be around me and support me financially.

My dad only saw me once a month because he lived in another state and that's what the court allowed. He gave what he could. He earned a lot less than my mom did at that point because he only had a high school diploma then. He actually started college a year before I did. And he emotionally supported me more than my mother ever has.

Lots of women stay in their marriages after the husband has a baby with a mistress. There were men in my mom's own family who had second families. My mom only cared because my dad was happy.

Speaking of happy, I've wasted enough time trying to explain this. The OP --who is NOT me, btw-- asked the question and I answered it truthfully. My dad's affair and my mother's reaction to it had a huge negative impact on my tween and teen years. I've moved on. I'm happy. My kids are happy. My dad is happy. My mom isn't happy but she prefers it that way.

I am the earlier PP who supported you because I went through the same thing. Trust me - I get it! My mom was the same way. She refused to get on with her life because she wanted my father to forever feel guilty and us to hate him. People are looking at the situation through today's lense. 25 years ago, a mother (my mom) was able to block a father's access because custody issues were slanted against the father. Look, my father was a cad and he wrongly had an affair. He should not get a pass and honestly, he never tried to justify what he did. But in looking at it as an adult, the affair did not cause their problems - it was the result of them. Even without the affair, their marriage was doomed.

Let me put it this way. I resented my father for having the affair. But I also resented my mother for making it her mission that we hate him. HER relationship with him did not work out for various reasons, including the affair. But it did not give her the right to manipulate our realtionship with him. If he was an asshole, we should have been allowed to form that opinion on our own - not because she told us every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father had an affair around the time we left for college. He left my mother for a while but ended up moving back in with her. At the time I was quite angry with him for hurting her so badly, and I think she has never really forgiven him and still harbors a lot of resentment. But it is now 20 years later, and it is true that living with my mother is no picnic.

Yes, this is the long term damage cheaters and liars cause to their spouses. Hope it never, ever happens to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father had an affair around the time we left for college. He left my mother for a while but ended up moving back in with her. At the time I was quite angry with him for hurting her so badly, and I think she has never really forgiven him and still harbors a lot of resentment. But it is now 20 years later, and it is true that living with my mother is no picnic.

Yes, this is the long term damage cheaters and liars cause to their spouses. Hope it never, ever happens to you.

New poster here. Both parties are responsible for the marriage. The father is wrong for cheating. The mother is wrong for staying and resenting him thereby life miserable for 20 years if she could not forgive. Women who refuse to stop playing the doormat martyr role cause as much if not more damage to the children than cheating husbands. Women need to "woman up" and take responsibility for their lives and children. If you can forgive, forgive and MOVE ON. If you can't forgive, divorce and MOVE ON. But whatever you do MOVE ON. You owe it to your children to be a mother first, abandoned spouse should not be anyone's primary status in life. It's pathetic and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Meh. My dad had an affair when I was about 5. I was there when the whole thing happened, mother walked in on it, I saw the other woman, I told her she was ugly. Anyway, I was pretty shocked, but not traumatized.

My mom was not the easiest person to get along with, she had boyfriends years later, even during my dad's illness and death. The whole thing made her a nasty, bitter human being. Moreso than before.

They were both were far from perfect, in every way; and they were both in the wrong, as far as I'm concerned.

[Anonymous]

It's amazing that sex completely ruins generations. Why is sex so forbidden. It's amazing how cumming can totally destroy life even more than a felony or dwi.

[Anonymous]

Yes. It sucks. It does make me think less of the parent who did it. Now that I am a parent I cannot imagine being that selfish, it damages the kids.

Yes unfortunately I knew for years, and then my dad married TOW.

[Anonymous]

Yes. We knew about it because dad would lie about where he was and one time a woman answered his cell phone and he made some BS reason why. I was home for the summer in college and my youngest sibling was in junior high. Parents ended up divorcing, dad filed, and he married TOW. I had a poor relationship with him for years after. For me it was about the deception and being lied to and feeling like his kids took second place to his social life/dealing with his issues with my mom. I still don't know what exactly happened. My parents to both their credit won't bad mouth the other. The only thing that has dropped a decade after the divorce is at some point my dad told my mom he didn't love her anymore (her side) and my dad claims my mom changed and was influenced by her mom and the bedroom door was closed to him (his side). What improved my relationship with my dad was when he admitted he was wrong, he said he lied because he was ashamed of what he was doing and didn't know how to handle the issues he and my mom had and admitted part of why he rushed into marrying TOW was because he had a sick parent and he didn't feel equipped to handle it alone. If he had not manned up and apologized, taken responsibility, and given me some glimpse of why he made some of those choices, I would not have been able to forgive him. I also saw he tried to bend over backwards to make it up to my youngest sister and she was the most impacted of the siblings and gave him he€€ but he tried for years. I think he also regrets not working things out with my mom. I feel like in words and actions he has tried to make amends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

What the heck was there to save? When a man not only has an affair (that might be forgiven if he's truly repentant and takes steps to restore what he has wrecked), but an entire separate family he conceals, he's someone you're better off not having around. I'd say good riddance to bad rubbish in a second, if my partner did that, for reasons too numerous to count... one in the top-five list being that he'd be modelling total dishonesty and lack of respect to our children.

I can relate to it being very hurtful for you that the other kids had a dad who was a part of the family and you didn't after your parents broke up, and I'm in no way making light of that. But that's something you need to trash out with a therapist. Your mother did the right thing, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse.

That's because she has *no* responsibility in it. She didn't put a gun to your dad's head and order him to have a parallel secret family. He's the one who made the choice to lie, scheme, conceal, betray. He did not act the way a good man, a good husband, a good dad does. Apologies are very cheap. He should not have let the situation arise in the first place. You need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did your mom have to pursue child support? If your dad is so blameless, why didn't he support you voluntarily? PP, you are messed up.

The bolded, times a million.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse.

That's because she has *no* responsibility in it. She didn't put a gun to your dad's head and order him to have a parallel secret family. He's the one who made the choice to lie, scheme, conceal, betray. He did not act the way a good man, a good husband, a good dad does. Apologies are very cheap. He should not have let the situation arise in the first place. You need therapy.

NP. And she's the one who chose to emotionally abandon her children who had already lost their intact family because her own broken hear was more important than being a mother. Both parental fails in my book. Dad attempted to make it up to the children. Mom did not because her own broken heart was always more important to her even years later. Can people really not see why she would be inclined to have one close parent instead of none and why it would be the parent who at least tried..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad had a complete separate family. I learned in 3rd grade. It did taint how I looked at him, but the real loser in my eyes is my mom who flipped out and didn't try to save her marriage. As a result, my full sibling and I grew up in poverty while the halfs got a pretty cushy upbringing AND our dad. My mom also has spent the last three decades trashing my dad and his mistress.

Um, you do realize that your Dad is the a-hole here, right. Please tell me you haven't blamed/vilified your mother for this.

My dad has apologized to us again and again. My mother takes no responsibility for her role in how things ended up. To this day, my mother ruins nearly every family occasion by trying to pick a fight with my dad. I glad that at least he got some peace from her when he left. Wish he'd taken us, too. Growing up in the ghetto is hard. Growing up in the ghetto with a depressed, bitter mother is so much worse.

That's because she has *no* responsibility in it. She didn't put a gun to your dad's head and order him to have a parallel secret family. He's the one who made the choice to lie, scheme, conceal, betray. He did not act the way a good man, a good husband, a good dad does. Apologies are very cheap. He should not have let the situation arise in the first place. You need therapy.

NP. And she's the one who chose to emotionally abandon her children who had already lost their intact family because her own broken hear was more important than being a mother. Both parental fails in my book. Dad attempted to make it up to the children. Mom did not because her own broken heart was always more important to her even years later. Can people really not see why she would be inclined to have one close parent instead of none and why it would be the parent who at least tried..

I can see why this poster would not want to cut ties with both parents. I tried to dig deep to figure out why this story bothered me so much. I think one question I ask myself is would the PP's mom have been the same person if the dad did not have a secret family? We can be shaped by other people either in a positive or negative way. I wonder if the dad's secret family just amplified a selfish nature in the mom or she is she was given a situation she just didn't have the tools to deal with. It is a bitter pill to swallow that life isn't fair and harder still if you don't have the confidence to believe you can do better whether it be a better job or a better significant other.

I think the other thing that bothered me is that we don't know if the shoe was on the other foot how dad would have handled it. If he was heavily involved with the kids and had this picture perfect dream and found out that his wife had another family and then left him for the other man and he had to support the kids solely etc. how humble and graceful would he have been in accepting money from ex-wife and seeing her happiness with the new husband and new kids while he was raising the kids by himself/not remarrying till the kids were out of high school? I guess that is the third thing is that I feel there is a double standard. If the mom was the one that left the kids and had another family while dad had sole custody and was bitter, I truly believe no amount of apologies in the world would suddenly break down the mistrust and abandonment to allow the kids to have a close relationship with the mom. But coming from the standard where dad being involved is a bonus, like how my DH used to get complimented when he took the kids out to the mall when they were toddlers while no one stops the mom to compliment her ... it's easier for the dad to get forgiveness.

So anyway, I didn't want to jump on the poster that shared because I think it was a crappy situation all around. I was just trying to examine why I was so upset at an anonymous poster's forgiveness of dad but not the mom and put a mirror up to my own emotions to see if I was doing the same in my parent's infidelity situation.

[Anonymous]

My mom had an affair when I was in college and continued for 10 yrs + after. She divorced my Dad and stayed with her boyfriend who was also married and kept saying he couldn't leave his wife bc she was ill. He finally stopped seeing my mom when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 3 yrs ago. My Dad has since happily remarried. I am now caring for my mom and have a ton of resentment that bc of her selfish action I am left carrying the burden of her care.