My parents hate my wife

[Anonymous]

OP - Your post could almost be word for word my SIL's, except that his folks live out of town and will come to his and my daughter's home and yell and dress down their son. If you are as your post seems to indicate, you are "conflict averse" and perhaps because this has been the pattern of the relationship with your parents even before you grew up. My SIL is a bright, bit quirky wonderful person who loves his wife and his twin girls. However, there is a part of him which has never grown apart from his parents so that he has never learned to stand on his own two feet and be independent. Additionally, he willingly accepted a financial contribution to the purchase of their home and in a way is tied to them due to that, too. While he will not stand up to his own parents about appropriate behavior (no yelling or verbal putdowns when visiting in their house), my DD has taken a firm line with them as she knows just how much it demeans and upsets her husband.

If your parents mirror our daughter's IN -LAWS, both are rather unhappy with each other, and have degrees of mental illness. While the Dad will see a psychiatrist for meds, he has never done therapy and the mother will have nothing to do with it. Their behavior has been the same to DD as to your DW. Fortunately, our daughter has a very competent psychiatrist and psychologist who have told her just how disturbed the IN-LAWS are and to set the boundaries that she needs to deal with them. Why --because believe it or not SIL and DD recognize their twins love their grandparents and the INLAWS likewise and would like to keep the bond there. But I can tell you OP that by six kids know exactly what is happening and it won't be too long before they wonder why Dad is getting verbally yelled at by Gradnpa. ]We have stayed out of it except to say SIL and DD need to set boundaries in their own home for the well-being of their kids AND for their own emotional mental health. As my DD says to me, every time they come, there is an emotional toll on DH, and I hear it in her,too.

OP you need to run to a therapist and get the emotional help that you need to learn how to lay things out calmly to your parents as to how things will be from here on out. This means cutting the apron street and perhaps the financial strings. Then, too, you and DW need to have some couples counseling to jointly understand how things will be moving forward. DW is the main person in your family now, but you will lose her and your kids if you do not get moving on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what exactly are their grievances against your wife?

She's white.

Not quite. Its' that she isn't them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings? If so, are they married and how do your parents treat their spouses/significant others?

+10000

DW here. MIL kowtows to men, to an absurd degree. Have you brothers that are married? If not, imagine how your wife feels! Your DW may have a legitimate reason to feel uncomfortable around your sisters. They may even be sneaky and conniving, and very insecure. Believe me, it is a lonely place to be; and if your DW has nothing in common with them, and they are insular (like my SILs) - it really sucks. You are a smart man to side with your DW and support her; she will respect you more, in the long run. I guarantee if they are like I describe, your DW has zero respect for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what exactly are their grievances against your wife?

She's white.

Not quite. Its' that she isn't them.

PP jere. This is my MILs grievance also. Shoot me please, if I was her! Seriously - the woman is miserable. DH knows this, and married opposite MIL for a damn good reason.

[Anonymous]

jere=here

[Anonymous]

OP you cannot change/control your parents. But you can decide how they influence your lives. Stop trying to please or convince them. Accept that they are not going to be reasonable, fair, loving, kind, etc. This is part of growing up. Look at situations objectively and make good decisions for your family, knowing there will be some negative consequences. The positive consequences will be worth it.

[Anonymous]

Jesus, what a pussy.

[Anonymous]

This thread us over a year old.

[Anonymous]

^^IS over a year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread us over a year old.

Argh. Hate it when that happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread us over a year old.

MIL issues are eternal .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents think my wife has taken me and the grand kids away from them. In reality, I work very hard and very long hours and barely make it home to my house to see the kids before bed since I don't see them in the morning. So trying to see my parents for dinner three times a week just isn't going to happen. I also usually have obligations on the weekend for my work, so even Sunday dinners are now nonexistent. My wife now takes care of all of the bills and my mail when my father used to. He yelled at her that he takes care of these things until I chose her. For some reason he is bitter about this.

My wife thinks my father is too controlling and my mother is cold. My father will usually argue or fight with her over things he wants and not listen to her. For example the car seat. My wife bought a new one (a booster of some sort I think) for our 5 year old. She told my dad she has outgrown the other one and is not safe. He won't listen to her and refuses to transfer the car seat. So they politely battle at it every time.
My mother's mother called her fat while pregnant and my mom just sat there while my wife cried and to this day finds nothing wrong with the situation at all.

My wife is shy at first but very affectionate. My parents think she is rude but I don't think they have really given her a chance. I think it's all a big miscommunication and I will admit I put the onus on her.

The last straw was when I caught my father in a few lies about her behavior and he texted her with a sly smart ass comment. She told him to not contact her anymore but to go through me, but they would be respectful to each other in person and with the kids. No one has ever stood up to my father and I didnt think that she would do that. They haven't spoken to me since, this in Feb. Until my mom texted to see the kids this weekend. My wife didn't tell my mom not to call or visit so I am upset with my mom that she jumped on the bandwagon like she always does.

Are you kidding me!?!?! STAND UP FOR YOUR WIFE!!!!!!! This is ridiculous and I cannot believe that you don't see YOUR part in all of this. Grow the F up!

[Anonymous]

This is an old thread, but a timeless issue. I married into an Asian family where OP's parental dynamic is considered pretty much normal. It's taken years, and been hell, but finally my husband is beginning to see how unhealthy it is. He refers to it as a lifetime of brainwashing that must be overcome. He wouldn't stand up for me in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should re-read your post. Your wife is great. Your parents are horrible to her for no reason. You're going to have to chose one over the other. Unfortunately for your DW, you already have chosen your parents once over a fiance. Just like a child throwing a tantrum, since you've given in to them in the past, they know they can win. They just have to ratchet it up a notch.

You don't need advice from DCUM, you need a counselor to help you establish and maintain boundaries with your parents. That is, if you ever want to remain married to a person of your choosing. You decide.

True. My wife says she wants a divorce and for me to just her go. She's tired of fighting and so am I. We only fight about them, otherwise our relationship is almost perfect.

If this is true, you are giving them what they want. Why should you? They clearly do *not* want to see you happy. My DH has a mother like this, and I have nothing to do with her. She can tell the whole world she "just doesn't like me", or she can just shove it up her puckered ass (but it would not fit, given the stick) - so there's that. Honestly OP, after a certain age you just don't have to give in to bullies. Your awful mother made her choices, now she has to live with them. She is not absolved from anything "because she is your mother", so forget that idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you cannot change/control your parents. But you can decide how they influence your lives. Stop trying to please or convince them. Accept that they are not going to be reasonable, fair, loving, kind, etc. This is part of growing up. Look at situations objectively and make good decisions for your family, knowing there will be some negative consequences. The positive consequences will be worth it.

+10000

If your mother is making you choose, and she is, you need to choose your adult family over your birth family. Your mother could have gotten away with being abusive to you in the past, but those days are over. Especially once you marry a strong woman. Clearly you chose your wife, because she is nothing like your mother. Be proud of your choice, be proud of your birth family *you* have built, and spend your years enjoying them. Instead of trying to please an old hag that you are never going to please.