My parents hate my wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Contact with your parents needs to be scaled waaaay back. You are an adult with your own family to take care of, yout parents clearly want to break up uour marraige and have uou come home crying to them. Don't let them!

And, they should go through you instead of your wife. I talk to my ILs on the phone but only when they call DH and I'm around. Call them once a week and see them once a month, max.

Yes, if they hate your DW then WTH are they calling her? That's torture for her, obviously. Get in there and protect her!

They want to pick up the kids for the day and I am usually in meetings all day. They have now not spoken to any of us since Feb. until I received a text yesterday when my mother asked to see the kids before they move this week and told me again that they refuse and will not try to make things right with my wife. They are willing to forego a relationship with me and he kids. I really can't believe they are ok sacrificing their grand kids relationship.

Believe it. It's incredibly sad, but I'm guessing that if you thought about it for a minute, you're really not that surprised.
I'm sorry they cannot be the parents you need them to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Contact with your parents needs to be scaled waaaay back. You are an adult with your own family to take care of, yout parents clearly want to break up uour marraige and have uou come home crying to them. Don't let them!

And, they should go through you instead of your wife. I talk to my ILs on the phone but only when they call DH and I'm around. Call them once a week and see them once a month, max.

Yes, if they hate your DW then WTH are they calling her? That's torture for her, obviously. Get in there and protect her!

They want to pick up the kids for the day and I am usually in meetings all day. They have now not spoken to any of us since Feb. until I received a text yesterday when my mother asked to see the kids before they move this week and told me again that they refuse and will not try to make things right with my wife. They are willing to forego a relationship with me and he kids. I really can't believe they are ok sacrificing their grand kids relationship.

Oh, believe it. They are THAT petty. BTW, I'm truly sorry for you. It's a rotten situation.

What did you say about the visit with DC?

[Anonymous]

OP, your parents do sound oddly controlling. Is your wife from a different culture and their behavior driven by prejudice?

I would talk to a family therapist for yourself to help set boundaries with them.

[Anonymous]

I told them they haven't tried to contact the kids or have wanted to see them for the past few months, so why now? I asked them of they were going to make things right. She texted "May God bless you and your family. Goodbye".

They are moving in two days two streets over to another state to be by my brother.

I just don't understand how they cannot speak to me or my kids and be ok with it?

[Anonymous]

OP, I hate to break it to you, but this ALL YOUR FAULT! You're I-don't-know-how-old but you have failed to separate from your parents.

You are way, way overdue. I know from experience because I could be your DW! My DH's family of origin did everything possible to break us up after they alienated all of his prior GFs, who quite honestly were nicer than me but also had the foresight to give up.

My FIL even chose to have a confrontation with us when I was on bedrest and two weeks away from giving birth to DC2 over my tendency to occupy DH's time. I finally exploded at FIL, mostly due to the preeclampsia but really because someone had to put FIL in his place. After my tirade, FIL gave DH "the choice": him or me. Absurd on its face, given my condition, but FIL is truly one of a kind. This was the last straw for DH who complemented FIL on his timing. We left. FIL didn't visit the baby when he was born and we've only seen him for holidays and FIL's birthday (of course) since then.

My point: Grow the F*CK up already! Tell your parents you're a man with a wife and family. Tell them to stand back. Then mean it.

Make your choice to be an adult.

Now read your kids a bedtime story and give your DH the night off.

Good night and good luck.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I am part Asian and my wife is Caucasian.

[Anonymous]

Moving closer to your brother? See, your parents are still defining themselves through their relationships with their children. They are the parents, you are the children. You are not listening and behaving as they wish so you are cut off, cut out. Buh-bye. Now they'll give their attention to their other child.

They are operating at a very stunted emotional level, throwing fits and giving the silent treatment if they don't get their way.

I guarantee the big loser in this scenario is NOT your children or you, it is your brother (and his family if there is one). They will pull this same kind of emotional torture on him too.

[Anonymous]

OP, what exactly are their grievances against your wife?

[Anonymous]

Be grateful your kids will not be spending time with your parents. No grandparents are better than emotionally abusive ones. Your poor brother.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a codependent mess. They are trying to control/manipulate you even more than usual,because you are putting up boundaries. And they seem like healthy boundaries.

Does your brother have any insight into the situation? Are they turning their attention on him full force because they can't do it to you?

[Anonymous]

I think it's great that you are backing up your wife. But reading your post it's unclear to me what actually has happened. Do your parents actually hate your wife? Has there been an actual confrontation? Or does your wife just feel uncomfortable and like they don't like her?

What has actually happened here?

[Anonymous]

My inlaws are born in another country as well and although I love them, this sounds an awful lot like them too! I believe it's cultural for sure. Your spouse comes before your family. The bible says that a husband leaves his family and clings to his wife. Even if you aren't a Christian, this is sage advice.
Your parents are doing what my inlaws do and that is putting siblings against each other by choosing sides and giving silent treatment to not set all while going out of their way to be friendly to the other set. I hope this doesn't effect your relationship with your siblings.

[Anonymous]

In some cultures this is not uncommon. The parents want at least one child single and unencumbered to tend to them full time and provide for them financially in their old age. They will sabotage their child's relationships to accomplish this goal. It happened to my DH's friend. He was about to get engaged but his mother wasn't having any of it, and she even moved in with him (where he had previously been living with his about-to-be fiancee). The cultural pressures to cede to his mother's wishes prevailed, though he was very upset and torn about it. They broke up. Very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving closer to your brother? See, your parents are still defining themselves through their relationships with their children. They are the parents, you are the children. You are not listening and behaving as they wish so you are cut off, cut out. Buh-bye. Now they'll give their attention to their other child.

They are operating at a very stunted emotional level, throwing fits and giving the silent treatment if they don't get their way.

I guarantee the big loser in this scenario is NOT your children or you, it is your brother (and his family if there is one). They will pull this same kind of emotional torture on him too.

+ 1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told them they haven't tried to contact the kids or have wanted to see them for the past few months, so why now? I asked them of they were going to make things right. She texted "May God bless you and your family. Goodbye".

They are moving in two days two streets over to another state to be by my brother.

I just don't understand how they cannot speak to me or my kids and be ok with it?

OP, I'm dealing with a similar situation in my family. Believe it - your parents are ok with not speaking to you and your children. They're very ok with that. They want you to do what they want you to do; otherwise, they're (rinse and repeat): very okay with not speaking to you and your children. This a power thing, not an affectionate-family thing.