My parents hate my wife

[Anonymous]

Hello. I am looking for insight on how to handle this situation. My parents hate my wife for no apparent reason. She has not done anything wrong, is an amazing mother and great to me. They have always looked down upon my girlfriends in high school and college and also basically broke up my prior fiancé and myself. It's been 6 years since we have been married and now my wife no longer wants for them to call her. She says my parents are forceful and rude and her stomach hurts and she gets sick every time they call. I thought the relationship between them would improve and still am hopeful. My wife suggests that I see them with the kids without her sometimes but I do not want to go. We are a family. Now, my parents won't even speak to me or the grand kids because they say they are done trying as well. Has anyone else's parents written them off because of your wife. What do I do? What is your stance?

[Anonymous]

Do you have siblings? If so, are they married and how do your parents treat their spouses/significant others?

[Anonymous]

You should re-read your post. Your wife is great. Your parents are horrible to her for no reason. You're going to have to chose one over the other. Unfortunately for your DW, you already have chosen your parents once over a fiance. Just like a child throwing a tantrum, since you've given in to them in the past, they know they can win. They just have to ratchet it up a notch.

You don't need advice from DCUM, you need a counselor to help you establish and maintain boundaries with your parents. That is, if you ever want to remain married to a person of your choosing. You decide.

[Anonymous]

I have a younger brother. They are not fond of his wife either and often ignore her as well and just put up with her.
My dad will call my brother 2-5 times daily. I will admit my father is pretty controlling and I just don't have the time anymore. I work really long hours and have the kids and the dogs and the house to take care of. They blame my wife.

[Anonymous]

The parents don't hate your wife.

They hate your life.

Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should re-read your post. Your wife is great. Your parents are horrible to her for no reason. You're going to have to chose one over the other. Unfortunately for your DW, you already have chosen your parents once over a fiance. Just like a child throwing a tantrum, since you've given in to them in the past, they know they can win. They just have to ratchet it up a notch.

You don't need advice from DCUM, you need a counselor to help you establish and maintain boundaries with your parents. That is, if you ever want to remain married to a person of your choosing. You decide.

True. My wife says she wants a divorce and for me to just her go. She's tired of fighting and so am I. We only fight about them, otherwise our relationship is almost perfect.

[Anonymous]

First, I think your insight is spot on and I applaud your tendency to want to stick with your wife. She and your children are your nuclear family now, not your parents.
(So many apron strings still not cut off between other mothers and sons...)

Second, the only solution is to limit contact with your parents: it would reduce the stress on your wife, and your parents have declared they are done anyway. Win-win, except for you. I know, it's hard for you, and you have to let go of that dream you had of being one happy family together. By the way, your wife's suggestion of leaving her out of visits to your parents was a good one, many people do that to save their sanity.

Third, as you pointed out, your parents were never going to be happy anyway with any of your significant others. Separating you from a former fiancee is a terrible thing to do. I suppose you realize that they are deeply disturbed individuals who apparently cannot love you for who you are, since your choice of spouse is a defining factor of your identity. They appear to be pathologically controlling as well.

Could it be partly cultural? Even so, they crossed the line a long time ago.

My parents, particularly my mother, hate my husband. I admit he has given them some cause, not in the way he treated them but in the way he treated me. However, even in that situation, I resent their interference because it signals that they do not trust me to deal with things. They are hypercontrolling and would never have approved of any spouse for me either. My mother went so far as to insult him to his face, and did her best to have him stay elsewhere when she invited the whole family to her house. Mind-boggling stuff.

So we limit contact as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should re-read your post. Your wife is great. Your parents are horrible to her for no reason. You're going to have to chose one over the other. Unfortunately for your DW, you already have chosen your parents once over a fiance. Just like a child throwing a tantrum, since you've given in to them in the past, they know they can win. They just have to ratchet it up a notch.

You don't need advice from DCUM, you need a counselor to help you establish and maintain boundaries with your parents. That is, if you ever want to remain married to a person of your choosing. You decide.

True. My wife says she wants a divorce and for me to just her go. She's tired of fighting and so am I. We only fight about them, otherwise our relationship is almost perfect.

Then, you know what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

Clearly there is a pattern here with your parents (I asked the question about your siblings). You love your wife, your parents don't seem to want you to be happy in any sort of a relationship. Take it from someone whose mother has broken up several relationships! Your wife sounds great and I am sorry, your parents sound terrible. Here is a hard question: would you have anything to do with them if you weren't related by blood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should re-read your post. Your wife is great. Your parents are horrible to her for no reason. You're going to have to chose one over the other. Unfortunately for your DW, you already have chosen your parents once over a fiance. Just like a child throwing a tantrum, since you've given in to them in the past, they know they can win. They just have to ratchet it up a notch.

You don't need advice from DCUM, you need a counselor to help you establish and maintain boundaries with your parents. That is, if you ever want to remain married to a person of your choosing. You decide.

True. My wife says she wants a divorce and for me to just her go. She's tired of fighting and so am I. We only fight about them, otherwise our relationship is almost perfect.

Don't throw away a lifelong partnership with a wonderful person because your parents are small-minded and despicable. Choose your own wife, family and independence. Get into marriage counseling to deal with the current and future dynamics as they unfold in separating from your parents.

Be the man your wife trusted with her life and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should re-read your post. Your wife is great. Your parents are horrible to her for no reason. You're going to have to chose one over the other. Unfortunately for your DW, you already have chosen your parents once over a fiance. Just like a child throwing a tantrum, since you've given in to them in the past, they know they can win. They just have to ratchet it up a notch.

You don't need advice from DCUM, you need a counselor to help you establish and maintain boundaries with your parents. That is, if you ever want to remain married to a person of your choosing. You decide.

True. My wife says she wants a divorce and for me to just her go. She's tired of fighting and so am I. We only fight about them, otherwise our relationship is almost perfect.

Get to counseling. Take a time out from your parents. Just drop all communication with them for a few months md try to save your marriage.

Don't let your parents ruin your happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Your wife comes first. That is all.

[Anonymous]

Contact with your parents needs to be scaled waaaay back. You are an adult with your own family to take care of, yout parents clearly want to break up uour marraige and have uou come home crying to them. Don't let them!

And, they should go through you instead of your wife. I talk to my ILs on the phone but only when they call DH and I'm around. Call them once a week and see them once a month, max.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Contact with your parents needs to be scaled waaaay back. You are an adult with your own family to take care of, yout parents clearly want to break up uour marraige and have uou come home crying to them. Don't let them!

And, they should go through you instead of your wife. I talk to my ILs on the phone but only when they call DH and I'm around. Call them once a week and see them once a month, max.

Yes, if they hate your DW then WTH are they calling her? That's torture for her, obviously. Get in there and protect her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Contact with your parents needs to be scaled waaaay back. You are an adult with your own family to take care of, yout parents clearly want to break up uour marraige and have uou come home crying to them. Don't let them!

And, they should go through you instead of your wife. I talk to my ILs on the phone but only when they call DH and I'm around. Call them once a week and see them once a month, max.

Yes, if they hate your DW then WTH are they calling her? That's torture for her, obviously. Get in there and protect her!

They want to pick up the kids for the day and I am usually in meetings all day. They have now not spoken to any of us since Feb. until I received a text yesterday when my mother asked to see the kids before they move this week and told me again that they refuse and will not try to make things right with my wife. They are willing to forego a relationship with me and he kids. I really can't believe they are ok sacrificing their grand kids relationship.