My parents hate my wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't believe I'm saying this but I'm becoming a little more sympathetic to the OP in that maybe he really is this clueless. As the thread goes on and he expresses complete confusion about what went wrong and what is still off-kilter it makes me think his parents sure did a lifelong brainwashing on him. Reading the evidence it's easy to see that he and his brother were brought up in a household dominated by parents who had no concern for raising emotionally healthy men, let alone spouses.

OP, get yourself to counseling. You have years of unhealthy and unhelpful programming to undo. I think you are a decent fellow underneath it all, tell your wife you're choosing to rewire the way approach her and your kids.

Either that or he is from a culture where lifelong obedience is expected from the son and the son's wife. I can't think of another reason.

I didn't want to blame an entire culture for this, though I suspect it's coming into play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You share equal blame with your parents, OP. I am surprised your wife has put up with this for so long.

I have to agree with other posters - you really do owe your wife an apology. According to your account, she's been remarkably reasonable and patient with your very difficult parents. I'm an extremely patient person but I wouldn't have tolerated what she's had to deal with. And she's had to deal with a lot because you haven't fulfilled your obligations to support her.

You sound like a nice, well-meaning person, OP, and I hope you'll do the right thing for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your dad was paying your bills and you let him? He YELLED at your wife about it and you didn't address it? Your wife selected a car seat for your child, your dad battles her over it and you say nothing to defend her decision?

You think this is all a big miscommunication?! What?!

Sorry, but what have YOU done to help the situation? You have done nothing but stand back and let this play out. Shame on you.

OP, you are lucky your wife is still with you. If it had been me, I would never have married you to begin with, let alone stayed with you after FIL yelled about paying your bills. You are acting like a child. You need to GROW UP and act like a man. You SERIOUSLY owe your wife a HUGE apology. She should never have to deal with your parents again.

Your wife and children are your first priority. Do what you can to salvage your marriage. She's probably at the end of her rope and ready to ditch you, with GOOD REASON.

seriously... I am surprised your wife hasn't just gone through with a divorce. I am angry reading your side of it.... I would probably be furious hearing hers. How dare you not defend her? I can't believe she has to deal with these things.

I don't get along with my ILs, but this just takes the cake. I feel so lucky that my DH supports me in life 100%!

[Anonymous]

You need to stop trying to "understand" why your parents behave as they do - you'll never be able to make sense if it because they are deeply, deeply, deeply dysfunctional and manipulative. You have to let go if the "why" and the "how"...it's a dead end.

[Anonymous]

Your situation is so much similar to me, my folks hate my wife and kids! They judge and looked down on them. I decided to not contact them for 3 months to see if they change, but I doubt they will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's great that you are backing up your wife. But reading your post it's unclear to me what actually has happened. Do your parents actually hate your wife? Has there been an actual confrontation? Or does your wife just feel uncomfortable and like they don't like her?

What has actually happened here?

+1

[Anonymous]

Update?

[Anonymous]

Wife comes first. Your parents are jerks. They don't want to try anymore? Fine, let them go.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a manchild. Your father opened your mail and paid your bills, until your wife took over the role?

It is time to be less pathetic, and to stand up for your wife. I say this as a man. I would never tolerate the behavior towards my wife that your parents have forced her to endure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the eyes of your parents, no one will ever be good enough for you. And it's not even about you, it's about them controlling your life.

It seems obvious who is toxic. It's best to limit your communication with them. It is the toughest thing to do to limit your parents. Do it for yourself before you end up picking up toxic behavior from them that might pass down to your kids.

Your wife is good not to interfere. It's obviously too much for her to handle. And it's your job to protect her and your kids from toxic behavior.

That is what caller ID is for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a manchild. Your father opened your mail and paid your bills, until your wife took over the role?

It is time to be less pathetic, and to stand up for your wife. I say this as a man. I would never tolerate the behavior towards my wife that your parents have forced her to endure.

He needs to find it in him to pull a man card. Does he have it in him?

[Anonymous]

This post reminds me so much of the long one, "my MIL is moving 5 min away from me"

[Anonymous]

Congratulations on your freedom, OP!

You're now free to work out why you have allowed this dynamic to continue this far into adulthood, while you commit yourself to honoring your wife and child (and try to make it up to them for allowing the abuse).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what exactly are their grievances against your wife?

She's white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly is their issue with your wife? If they don't like her just because she is from a different culture, it is plain stupid and they need to get over it.
you shouldn't have to choose btw your parents nd wife. Your wife needs to understand and accept them as well. Breaking ties with family is stupid, self centered & not easy as people make it out to be. There can be a happy medium but it will take time and patience. Be steady when it comes to your wife but loving and patient with your parents as well, even if they do not respond the way you would like them to. They will come around eventually.

No they won't. They have demonstrated for years that they are to come first. They have cut off their own child and his children because the situation is unsatisfactory to them. They told him "goodbye"

This isn't a situation that a sit-down and some hugs all around are going to fix. Patience from OP? He has been [too] patient with their nonsense since before this marriage, and it sounds like throughout his dating history.

OP needs to prioritize what needs his attention. #1 his own wife and children. His marriage is in crisis.

So parents are like toilet tissue that you just use and throw? Did OP just fall out of a fountain? Don't forget that his parents had to strive and make sacrifices for OP do become who he is today. the least he can do is maintain a good relationship with them in their old age. Agreed their ideas are antiquated, but asking him to cutoff all ties with his parents is ridiculous. If divorce and disowning people is the only way to work through issues, we are a messed up society.
OP has to put his ego aside and work with his parents separately.

Yes, when they behave that way they need to be flushed.