My parents hate my wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents think my wife has taken me and the grand kids away from them. In reality, I work very hard and very long hours and barely make it home to my house to see the kids before bed since I don't see them in the morning. So trying to see my parents for dinner three times a week just isn't going to happen. I also usually have obligations on the weekend for my work, so even Sunday dinners are now nonexistent. My wife now takes care of all of the bills and my mail when my father used to. He yelled at her that he takes care of these things until I chose her. For some reason he is bitter about this.

My wife thinks my father is too controlling and my mother is cold. My father will usually argue or fight with her over things he wants and not listen to her. For example the car seat. My wife bought a new one (a booster of some sort I think) for our 5 year old. She told my dad she has outgrown the other one and is not safe. He won't listen to her and refuses to transfer the car seat. So they politely battle at it every time.
My mother's mother called her fat while pregnant and my mom just sat there while my wife cried and to this day finds nothing wrong with the situation at all.

My wife is shy at first but very affectionate. My parents think she is rude but I don't think they have really given her a chance. I think it's all a big miscommunication and I will admit I put the onus on her.

The last straw was when I caught my father in a few lies about her behavior and he texted her with a sly smart ass comment. She told him to not contact her anymore but to go through me, but they would be respectful to each other in person and with the kids. No one has ever stood up to my father and I didnt think that she would do that. They haven't spoken to me since, this in Feb. Until my mom texted to see the kids this weekend. My wife didn't tell my mom not to call or visit so I am upset with my mom that she jumped on the bandwagon like she always does.

OP, you and your parents are 100% in the wrong here. Your parents are emotionally abusive. Your wife has the right and the obligation to choose what car seat her child uses. You as her husband and her partner should stand with her and support her.

You know very well that your parents are unreasonable. Your wife has drawn a healthy, reasonable boundary. Your parents' reaction is over the top, narcissistic, and emotionally abusive.

You need to be a man, be a grown-up, and stand with your wife. Let your parents know they are being unreasonable, and when they are ready to be loving and respectful, they will be welcome back into your life. Wish them well in their new home and focus on making things up to your wife. You have allowed them to abuse her for SIX YEARS. You need to focus on repairing her trust in you and salvaging your family.

I was going to say all of this, but the PP said it much better. Grow a pair, OP. Childhood is over.

You should appreciate that your wife stuck with you through this for as long as she has. Not everyone would have.

[Anonymous]

Op, your dad was paying your bills and you let him? He YELLED at your wife about it and you didn't address it? Your wife selected a car seat for your child, your dad battles her over it and you say nothing to defend her decision?

You think this is all a big miscommunication?! What?!

Sorry, but what have YOU done to help the situation? You have done nothing but stand back and let this play out. Shame on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should re-read your post. Your wife is great. Your parents are horrible to her for no reason. You're going to have to chose one over the other. Unfortunately for your DW, you already have chosen your parents once over a fiance. Just like a child throwing a tantrum, since you've given in to them in the past, they know they can win. They just have to ratchet it up a notch.

You don't need advice from DCUM, you need a counselor to help you establish and maintain boundaries with your parents. That is, if you ever want to remain married to a person of your choosing. You decide.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hate to jump on you as well, but really, it sounds like this is your issue. You said that the only thing you and your DW fight over are your parents. Why are you and DW fighting about them - it means you disagree with each other and seriously, from the sound of it, you should be fighting with your parents about this, not your lovely DW. you and DW should be on the same page with this - that your parents stay the hell away unless they can be civil to your DW.

I think once you make that clear to your DW, she won't want to divorce you anymore (hopefully - if like you say - everything else is fine).

Also, just something else to consider. If you DO leave your wife over this (or she leaves you..whatever) you have to accept that you will never ever have another serious relationship. EVER. because YOU and YOUR PARENTS are repeating the same patterns over and over again. Bottom line is this is between YOU and YOUR PARENTS. NOT your DW. she is just a bystander because it could be anyone in that placeholder and your parents will treat them the same way as they are treating her.

Be kind to your wife, validate her feelings of frustration and anger, and for God's sake, support her and choose her when your parents behave like this.

+1000

Excellent advice, OP. Excellent Advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, your dad was paying your bills and you let him? He YELLED at your wife about it and you didn't address it? Your wife selected a car seat for your child, your dad battles her over it and you say nothing to defend her decision?

You think this is all a big miscommunication?! What?!

Sorry, but what have YOU done to help the situation? You have done nothing but stand back and let this play out. Shame on you.

OP, you are lucky your wife is still with you. If it had been me, I would never have married you to begin with, let alone stayed with you after FIL yelled about paying your bills. You are acting like a child. You need to GROW UP and act like a man. You SERIOUSLY owe your wife a HUGE apology. She should never have to deal with your parents again.

Your wife and children are your first priority. Do what you can to salvage your marriage. She's probably at the end of her rope and ready to ditch you, with GOOD REASON.

[Anonymous]

Both your parents are pain in the butt? Not dad?

[Anonymous]

You know very well that your parents are unreasonable. Your wife has drawn a healthy, reasonable boundary. Your parents' reaction is over the top, narcissistic, and emotionally abusive.

+1000! I know it's hard to overcome how your parents have conditioned you but the near unanimity (except for the 30 year old with limited life experience) on this thread has got to be sinking into you! This is kind of agreement on DCUM is rare. A good relationship counselor really can help you work through this. What you're parents are doing is not normal and not natural. You really don't want to get divorced, do you? If you think you're miserable now, you're going to be far more miserable post divorce when you see your kids even less and have no partner to share your life with. Is that what you want?

BTW - the reason you can't believe your parents would cut off contact with you and your kids is because you haven't recognized how they manipulate you to get what they want. You're just falling back into the patterns developed during your childhood. It's so very unhealthy and just wrong. Counseling can help you learn to identify these patterns and how neutralize them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly is their issue with your wife? If they don't like her just because she is from a different culture, it is plain stupid and they need to get over it.
you shouldn't have to choose btw your parents nd wife. Your wife needs to understand and accept them as well. Breaking ties with family is stupid, self centered & not easy as people make it out to be. There can be a happy medium but it will take time and patience. Be steady when it comes to your wife but loving and patient with your parents as well, even if they do not respond the way you would like them to. They will come around eventually.

No they won't. They have demonstrated for years that they are to come first. They have cut off their own child and his children because the situation is unsatisfactory to them. They told him "goodbye"

This isn't a situation that a sit-down and some hugs all around are going to fix. Patience from OP? He has been [too] patient with their nonsense since before this marriage, and it sounds like throughout his dating history.

OP needs to prioritize what needs his attention. #1 his own wife and children. His marriage is in crisis.

So parents are like toilet tissue that you just use and throw? Did OP just fall out of a fountain? Don't forget that his parents had to strive and make sacrifices for OP do become who he is today. the least he can do is maintain a good relationship with them in their old age. Agreed their ideas are antiquated, but asking him to cutoff all ties with his parents is ridiculous. If divorce and disowning people is the only way to work through issues, we are a messed up society.
OP has to put his ego aside and work with his parents separately.

You need to finally take a serious stand against your parents and their awful behavior and manipulations.
You literally needs to say, as my father said to his manipulative mother at a large holiday dinner in front of everyone: "I will not stand for how you treat my wife, it is despicable and wrong. It is disrespectful to her and to me. I love her and if you do any of this (mean comments) my family and I will not be corresponding with you in any way, shape or form." Then he never truly trusted them again, but the holiday encounters continued and were OK. On the car ride home he apologized to my brother and I "that we had to see that, but it was necessary."

I can't believe you haven't done this before this low, low point.

The most major decision you make is who you CHOOSE to marry. You don't choose your parents or your siblings. You choose your spouse. time to start acting like that.

[Anonymous]

My take: It sounds like you have an incredibly domineering and narcissistic father who can't stand the fact that he's lost some measure of control over your life. He used to keep you in the position of submissive child by handling your mail and bills (seriously, OP, WTF?) and who knows what else. Your wife recognized how pathological the situation is and did what any normal spouse would do. Your father hates her for it and is trying to break you up. Sounds like your mom does what your dad does. So unhealthy, OP. They've put you in a terrible position and it's abusive and abnormal. I agree that counseling for you might be best. And I agree with another PP that they're used to winning with you and are just ratcheting things up a notch until they defeat your wife. I really pity your brother and his wife - sounds like they're in for some traumatic times.

[Anonymous]

In the eyes of your parents, no one will ever be good enough for you. And it's not even about you, it's about them controlling your life.

It seems obvious who is toxic. It's best to limit your communication with them. It is the toughest thing to do to limit your parents. Do it for yourself before you end up picking up toxic behavior from them that might pass down to your kids.

Your wife is good not to interfere. It's obviously too much for her to handle. And it's your job to protect her and your kids from toxic behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents think my wife has taken me and the grand kids away from them. In reality, I work very hard and very long hours and barely make it home to my house to see the kids before bed since I don't see them in the morning. So trying to see my parents for dinner three times a week just isn't going to happen. I also usually have obligations on the weekend for my work, so even Sunday dinners are now nonexistent. My wife now takes care of all of the bills and my mail when my father used to. He yelled at her that he takes care of these things until I chose her. For some reason he is bitter about this.

My wife thinks my father is too controlling and my mother is cold. My father will usually argue or fight with her over things he wants and not listen to her. For example the car seat. My wife bought a new one (a booster of some sort I think) for our 5 year old. She told my dad she has outgrown the other one and is not safe. He won't listen to her and refuses to transfer the car seat. So they politely battle at it every time.
My mother's mother called her fat while pregnant and my mom just sat there while my wife cried and to this day finds nothing wrong with the situation at all.

My wife is shy at first but very affectionate. My parents think she is rude but I don't think they have really given her a chance. I think it's all a big miscommunication and I will admit I put the onus on her.

The last straw was when I caught my father in a few lies about her behavior and he texted her with a sly smart ass comment. She told him to not contact her anymore but to go through me, but they would be respectful to each other in person and with the kids. No one has ever stood up to my father and I didnt think that she would do that. They haven't spoken to me since, this in Feb. Until my mom texted to see the kids this weekend. My wife didn't tell my mom not to call or visit so I am upset with my mom that she jumped on the bandwagon like she always does.

Clearly your parents missed the memo on what it means to have an adult child. As an adult, you're SUPPOSED to shift your time, energy and focus onto a wife and children. Some call it "leaving the nest." It's just another chapter in parenting.

[Anonymous]

You share equal blame with your parents, OP. I am surprised your wife has put up with this for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You share equal blame with your parents, OP. I am surprised your wife has put up with this for so long.

+1000

Dad paying your bills? Opening your mail? Dinner w' parents 3x a week?

How old are you? This is a study in arrested development, dependence, narcissism (parents), control, etc. It's a stew (or perfect storm) of dysfunction from top to bottom...

[Anonymous]

Can't believe I'm saying this but I'm becoming a little more sympathetic to the OP in that maybe he really is this clueless. As the thread goes on and he expresses complete confusion about what went wrong and what is still off-kilter it makes me think his parents sure did a lifelong brainwashing on him. Reading the evidence it's easy to see that he and his brother were brought up in a household dominated by parents who had no concern for raising emotionally healthy men, let alone spouses.

OP, get yourself to counseling. You have years of unhealthy and unhelpful programming to undo. I think you are a decent fellow underneath it all, tell your wife you're choosing to rewire the way approach her and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't believe I'm saying this but I'm becoming a little more sympathetic to the OP in that maybe he really is this clueless. As the thread goes on and he expresses complete confusion about what went wrong and what is still off-kilter it makes me think his parents sure did a lifelong brainwashing on him. Reading the evidence it's easy to see that he and his brother were brought up in a household dominated by parents who had no concern for raising emotionally healthy men, let alone spouses.

OP, get yourself to counseling. You have years of unhealthy and unhelpful programming to undo. I think you are a decent fellow underneath it all, tell your wife you're choosing to rewire the way approach her and your kids.

Either that or he is from a culture where lifelong obedience is expected from the son and the son's wife. I can't think of another reason.