Can a little cheating actually SAVE a marriage?

[Anonymous]

Male cheating is not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

All of the posters who are saying that cheating is breaking the marriage vows, what was in your vows? All weddings that I have been to have very vague vows about loving and honoring etc. In fact, I found a copy of my vows:

"I, Larla, take you, Larlo, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow."

Nowhere in there does it say I will not have sex with another person. Now, that may be someone else's interpretation of these vows, but you only know your own situation, not anyone else's.

[Anonymous]

I had an affair with a married man when I was in my early 20s. I never slept with him, but we kissed, stayed up late drinking and talking, went to the movies, and generally hung out a lot. If I was the wife I would have been upset as it crossed the boundary of what I would consider a friendship now that I am married. We were both working out of town and flew home to different cities on the weekends. Most of the time we actually talked about his wife and kids and how much he loved them. He quit his job and took another job without travel so he could recommit to his family. They are still together 10 years later and seem very happy - so perhaps he needed to hit bottom to realize he needed to work in his marriage and not just complain about it.

I feel bad in hindsight that I was complicit in something so obviously wrong, but I'm happy it worked out ok in the end. I certainly hope he isn't still cheating on his wife.

I don't think "sex for the sake of sex" cheating can save a rwlationship, but I think perhaps when you sense yourself yearning for a emotional or physical connection outside your relationship - flirting, staying late at work with certain coworkers, etc. - then you need to use it as a wake up call that something is missing and you need to invest that energy in your relationship and do the work to make your relationship better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it could. If my husband cheated on me even once a year and I never knew about it, no harm done. Ideally it would be someone he had an agreement with. If it's not affecting our home life and I had no idea it's happening, it's not hurting me.

Me: absolutely not. I'd want to be free to find someone else. BTW, it IS affecting home life because he's spending time away from the kids, leaving that burden to you. He's also spending $$$ on the other women, depriving the house of vital $$ when you both should be saving for college and retirement. That's a direct impact of both time and money.

He's also lying and liars are much less likely to use protection to prevent pregnancy (thus having to pay for abortion or child support = $$$) and risking your health due to STDs like AIDS and herpes. Being flip with a partner's health is NEVER O.K. It's abusive.

If he was simply out having sex with someone, it is possible he could do it without it affecting our home life. He goes to the gym after work. One day he could have sex with someone else and I would never be the wiser. I am the one with the money, so he would not be depriving the house of anything. I am very lucky and we will not have to worry about college or retirement for our kids. It's already taken care of. If he is just having sex with someone else once or twice a year and I don't know about it, no harm done. If he is having a full blown affair, that is a whole other story. If I found out that he was having a relationship with someone else, we would have to take a good hard look at our marriage and I don't think I would be able to continue to be married to him. However, if it's just sex every so often, that is not enough for me to just end my marriage.

Just spitballing here, but is there a chance you currently have a side-piece? Your argument sounds like rationalization.

Also, for debates sake, how many men really have affairs just for the physical part of it? I think a lot will say they do in order to protect / hide deeper connections or needs. But, everyone has their own motivation.

[Anonymous]

I went out and whatnot with a lot of guys when I was single, before dh and I were an item. I never once hooked up with a married guy when I was single and I have never once cheated on dh the entire time that we've been together.

I did cheat on past boyfriends, though and I learned how cheating really dings up your own sense of integrity and I also learned how guilty *I* feel when I do cheat and how crushing it is to the person you cheated on when they find out. And they do often find out.

I understand *why* people cheat, I do. But I also know that cheating takes a toll that you might not be aware of right away. It changes *you*..and not necessarily in a good way. Like others said - it's not noble, it is deceptive..and it's usually winds up being a big regret that you get to carry around...that you can't undo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male cheating is not a big deal.

...says the male cheater.

[Anonymous]

Of course cheating is abuse. It is the basest emotional abuse, as you would know if you looked at it from the betrayed spouse's view. But so few of those advocating cheating want to think of the toll that their lying and gaslighting have on the betrayed spouse.

I witnessed this firsthand. My BIL cheated on my sister. He was a complete asshole to her while she tried to figure out what was wrong. It left her destroyed. She came to think that she was an awful person. That's abuse.

[Anonymous]

This topic question is immature. Sure, go ahead and cheat 'a little'. I'm sure your marriage issues will then be solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course cheating is abuse. It is the basest emotional abuse, as you would know if you looked at it from the betrayed spouse's view. But so few of those advocating cheating want to think of the toll that their lying and gaslighting have on the betrayed spouse.

I witnessed this firsthand. My BIL cheated on my sister. He was a complete asshole to her while she tried to figure out what was wrong. It left her destroyed. She came to think that she was an awful person. That's abuse.

You clearly have issues with human sexuality given that you seem so obsessed with equating abuse and cheating.

If your sister decided that she was an awful person because her husband cheated on her, the problem then lies with your sister and her lack of self-esteem. If you said that she was hurt by it or even felt betrayed I would understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course cheating is abuse. It is the basest emotional abuse, as you would know if you looked at it from the betrayed spouse's view. But so few of those advocating cheating want to think of the toll that their lying and gaslighting have on the betrayed spouse.

I witnessed this firsthand. My BIL cheated on my sister. He was a complete asshole to her while she tried to figure out what was wrong. It left her destroyed. She came to think that she was an awful person. That's abuse.

You clearly have issues with human sexuality given that you seem so obsessed with equating abuse and cheating.

If your sister decided that she was an awful person because her husband cheated on her, the problem then lies with your sister and her lack of self-esteem. If you said that she was hurt by it or even felt betrayed I would understand.

Not the pp you quoted, but the 'sexuality' of cheating isn't usually the issue. It's the lying, gas lighting, rewriting of marital history, etc, etc. if someone has a ONS, comes home and tells their spouse, then that's not abuse. But cheating rarely happens like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course cheating is abuse. It is the basest emotional abuse, as you would know if you looked at it from the betrayed spouse's view. But so few of those advocating cheating want to think of the toll that their lying and gaslighting have on the betrayed spouse.

I witnessed this firsthand. My BIL cheated on my sister. He was a complete asshole to her while she tried to figure out what was wrong. It left her destroyed. She came to think that she was an awful person. That's abuse.

You clearly have issues with human sexuality given that you seem so obsessed with equating abuse and cheating.

If your sister decided that she was an awful person because her husband cheated on her, the problem then lies with your sister and her lack of self-esteem. If you said that she was hurt by it or even felt betrayed I would understand.

Me? Obsessed? You seem to think that you are arguing with only one person. It appears to me that there are at least three of us familiar with emotional abuse and what it entails.

And that, my dear, has nothin at all to do with sexuality! LMAO at your lane attempt at psychoanalysis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male cheating is not a big deal.

...says the male cheater.

+1! Sexist double standards like that will break a marriage, particularly when a male cheater is caught by an angry female.

On the other hand, the subject line invites guys like that out of the woodwork. Anyone who believes in such a bald premise doesn't exactly ooze enlightenment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course cheating is abuse. It is the basest emotional abuse, as you would know if you looked at it from the betrayed spouse's view. But so few of those advocating cheating want to think of the toll that their lying and gaslighting have on the betrayed spouse.

I witnessed this firsthand. My BIL cheated on my sister. He was a complete asshole to her while she tried to figure out what was wrong. It left her destroyed. She came to think that she was an awful person. That's abuse.

You clearly have issues with human sexuality given that you seem so obsessed with equating abuse and cheating.

If your sister decided that she was an awful person because her husband cheated on her, the problem then lies with your sister and her lack of self-esteem. If you said that she was hurt by it or even felt betrayed I would understand.

You seem to have issues with commitment. That's fine, if you're in a marriage or relationship where your partner also thinks very little of being committed to one person. It is definitely abusive to have an affair when the other person is trusting you to be mutually faithful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male cheating is not a big deal.

...says the male cheater.

or anyone who thinks trustworthiness is an unimportant quality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not at my house. You cheat you be homeless, wifeless, most likely poverty stricken.

And missing a few key body parts!!!