Can a little cheating actually SAVE a marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is fingering cheating?

Bill Clinton, welcome to DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who say that having an affair is breaking one's marriage vows, isn't the very act of getting a divorce also breaking the vows?

A couple marries for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer ....... as long as they shall live. So what justification is there for getting divorce assuming that one's marriage vows are sacrosanct?

You win.

Classic straw man. So no, you still lose.

Ending a marriage is very sad, especially when there are kids involved. And I absolutely do not advocate ending a marriage for anything other than abuse or infidelity (which is in fact emotionally abusive). I would never leave my DH if he were ill or lost all his money, etc. But your comparison is farcical, so no logical person has bothered to weigh in to point that outuntil now.

Look, people divorce. But you can end a marriage honorably and respectfully. Cheating is dishonorable and disrespectful. And the people who need a straw man to bolster their rationalizations are just pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Cheating" is just the "new normal". Live with it.

This is sad then. It's not the act of cheating that's sad, but your tacit acceptance that lying has now become socially acceptable. If you're correct, where are the boundaries? After all, cheating hurts the aggrieved party, so is shoplifting now acceptable? How about perjury? Then again, G. Gordon Liddy's only crime was getting caught, so maybe that applies here, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who say that having an affair is breaking one's marriage vows, isn't the very act of getting a divorce also breaking the vows?

A couple marries for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer ....... as long as they shall live. So what justification is there for getting divorce assuming that one's marriage vows are sacrosanct?

You win.

Classic straw man. So no, you still lose.

Ending a marriage is very sad, especially when there are kids involved. And I absolutely do not advocate ending a marriage for anything other than abuse or infidelity (which is in fact emotionally abusive). I would never leave my DH if he were ill or lost all his money, etc. But your comparison is farcical, so no logical person has bothered to weigh in to point that outuntil now.

Look, people divorce. But you can end a marriage honorably and respectfully. Cheating is dishonorable and disrespectful. And the people who need a straw man to bolster their rationalizations are just pathetic.

^Well stated.

[Anonymous]

If you want to sleep with multiple people you should be single. George Clooney it up and no one cares.

[Anonymous]

Sloan Rappaport posts here?

[Anonymous]

Define "a little" cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who say that having an affair is breaking one's marriage vows, isn't the very act of getting a divorce also breaking the vows?

A couple marries for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer ....... as long as they shall live. So what justification is there for getting divorce assuming that one's marriage vows are sacrosanct?

You win.

Classic straw man. So no, you still lose.

Ending a marriage is very sad, especially when there are kids involved. And I absolutely do not advocate ending a marriage for anything other than abuse or infidelity (which is in fact emotionally abusive). I would never leave my DH if he were ill or lost all his money, etc. But your comparison is farcical, so no logical person has bothered to weigh in to point that outuntil now.

Look, people divorce. But you can end a marriage honorably and respectfully. Cheating is dishonorable and disrespectful. And the people who need a straw man to bolster their rationalizations are just pathetic.

Someone I know well married in her twenties and in her thirties her husband had what he calls an "awakening" and joined a Christian cult - but she did not follow him in joining this group. The cult he belongs to does not permit divorce and permits only minimal interaction with anyone who is not part of the cult. So they live in the same house, interact to a minimal level, have not had sex in over a decade since he joined the cult and they essentially just share a house.

He has cut himself off from his parents, siblings and just about everyone else.

She will not seek a divorce because she believes in her marriage vows and that her marriage was for the rest of their lives. She said that she married him for "better or for worse" and this just happens to be the "worse" part. I feel sorry for her at one level but I also admire her because unlike most people she actually believes in her marriage vows.

Her husband, who I knew well before his conversion, is a fine, decent man who loves his wife and family but he just happens to have taken a path that has made her life a living hell. I view what has happened to her as emotional abuse and she would likely agree but she does not see that as grounds for disavowing her marriage vows. Needless to say, she will not even consider having sex with anyone other than her husband.

So PP, I would submit you are the one indulging in rationalizations.

[Anonymous]

Each situation is unique, and unless there are saints on DCUM I would not judge. As someone over 50, I have seen many marriages fall apart for other reasons besides infidelity, and I have seen many basically good marriages stay together despite it being known. And I have seen marriages fall apart that probably should have stayed together for the sake of family/children needs -- and may have stayed together had a spouse with either unmet emotional or physical needs had brief respites. By loose analogy, when adults are caregivers to ill parents or have children with extraordinary needs, we all accept the concept of taking a break -- respite care so to speak -- allowing another adult to care for the parent, the child, etc. We don't permit that of ourselves. Over a long marriage of many ups and downs, statistics show that some infidelity at some point is probably more common than not, and I would guess it is probably disclosed less often than it is disclosed. Are we all so knowledgeable, morally superior, etc. that we can make the sweeping pronouncements of some of the posters in this thread? My one advice for OP is this -- next time you post something provocative like this -- if it is a serious question -- offer more details. As OP posed the question it does sound a bit flip, and in that sense it is not surprising to draw criticism. But if this thread were to have more value, it would be also valuable for posters to post their age, as I believe views may vary for both many men and women on this issue over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who say that having an affair is breaking one's marriage vows, isn't the very act of getting a divorce also breaking the vows?

A couple marries for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer ....... as long as they shall live. So what justification is there for getting divorce assuming that one's marriage vows are sacrosanct?

You win.

Classic straw man. So no, you still lose.

Ending a marriage is very sad, especially when there are kids involved. And I absolutely do not advocate ending a marriage for anything other than abuse or infidelity (which is in fact emotionally abusive). I would never leave my DH if he were ill or lost all his money, etc. But your comparison is farcical, so no logical person has bothered to weigh in to point that outuntil now.

Look, people divorce. But you can end a marriage honorably and respectfully. Cheating is dishonorable and disrespectful. And the people who need a straw man to bolster their rationalizations are just pathetic.

So, do you express your outrage and accuse posters on other threads of breaking their marriage vows when they want to end their marriages for reasons other than those you cited?

Do you remind them of their marital vows or does it get your dander up only when it comes to infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Strange how couples will put up with all sorts of emotional abuse and mistreatment but when it gets to cheating, it is a deal breaker.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Strange how couples will put up with all sorts of emotional abuse and mistreatment but when it gets to cheating, it is a deal breaker.

Totally agree. I'd rather my husband cheat on me than call me names. His constant name-calling for years should have been a deal breaker for me and I am having a hard time getting past it and not sure I will. I think it would have been much easier had he cheated.

This. My DH is kind, generous, loving, and attentive. He has a good sense of humor and is fun to be with. He's a great friend to me. He is gainfully employed and does dishes and laundry. He is a full parenting partner and is a wonderful father. I love him dearly. If he cheats on me, I hope I find a way to deal with it, because I am quite sure my life would not be improved by tossing him out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sloan Rappaport posts here?

!!!

Timely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Cheating" is just the "new normal". Live with it.

This is sad then. It's not the act of cheating that's sad, but your tacit acceptance that lying has now become socially acceptable. If you're correct, where are the boundaries? After all, cheating hurts the aggrieved party, so is shoplifting now acceptable? How about perjury? Then again, G. Gordon Liddy's only crime was getting caught, so maybe that applies here, too.

Well, actually, there are less and less expectations that the partner will remain faithful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who say that having an affair is breaking one's marriage vows, isn't the very act of getting a divorce also breaking the vows?

A couple marries for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer ....... as long as they shall live. So what justification is there for getting divorce assuming that one's marriage vows are sacrosanct?

You win.

Classic straw man. So no, you still lose.

Ending a marriage is very sad, especially when there are kids involved. And I absolutely do not advocate ending a marriage for anything other than abuse or infidelity (which is in fact emotionally abusive). I would never leave my DH if he were ill or lost all his money, etc. But your comparison is farcical, so no logical person has bothered to weigh in to point that outuntil now.

Look, people divorce. But you can end a marriage honorably and respectfully. Cheating is dishonorable and disrespectful. And the people who need a straw man to bolster their rationalizations are just pathetic.

Someone I know well married in her twenties and in her thirties her husband had what he calls an "awakening" and joined a Christian cult - but she did not follow him in joining this group. The cult he belongs to does not permit divorce and permits only minimal interaction with anyone who is not part of the cult. So they live in the same house, interact to a minimal level, have not had sex in over a decade since he joined the cult and they essentially just share a house.

He has cut himself off from his parents, siblings and just about everyone else.

She will not seek a divorce because she believes in her marriage vows and that her marriage was for the rest of their lives. She said that she married him for "better or for worse" and this just happens to be the "worse" part. I feel sorry for her at one level but I also admire her because unlike most people she actually believes in her marriage vows.

Her husband, who I knew well before his conversion, is a fine, decent man who loves his wife and family but he just happens to have taken a path that has made her life a living hell. I view what has happened to her as emotional abuse and she would likely agree but she does not see that as grounds for disavowing her marriage vows. Needless to say, she will not even consider having sex with anyone other than her husband.

So PP, I would submit you are the one indulging in rationalizations.

What rationalization do you think I am "indulging" in? And what does cheating have to do with your friend's situation? Her DH joined a cult, and frankly, I wouldn't leave either in that situation.