parents constantly giving low-performing siblings money, but not us bc we don't "need" it

[Anonymous]

Well, in my case it isn't DH's parents that will cause the rift, it is SIL. We avoid her. when we are together she throws barbs trying to make us upset with each other. If she can't have a good marriage she doesn't want us to have one either. She's a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

It is interesting that both of the siblings are brothers. I think men have suffered greatly in the US for the last 20 or so years because of the feminization of our education system and society in general. They have not learned how to become "men" and take responsibility for their lives. Women, on the other hand, have been pushed to compete with men and act like men. They have benefitted from the increased emphasis on female success while men have foundered. There are so many boomerang children or parent-dependent children now and most of them are males.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't see anyone mention this yet, but do you know your parents' overall financial situation, especially concerning their retirement plans and savings? It might be worth it to have a heart-to-heart discussion with them to make sure that they aren't compromising their long-term situation with all the money they give to your siblings. Because it seems pretty obvious that if your parents fall on hard times as they age (especially if there are medical issues), that you and your DH will be the ones to shoulder the burden physically and financially. What are the odds that your siblings would step up and take responsibility for them? If you feel resentful now, imagine how you'll feel when you have to spend a huge chunk of change taking care of your parents, after they more or less gave away all their money to your siblings.

This is our current situation. IL's have given more than they should have for years to BIL and now are financially runined. They cannot pay mortage, car payments and have been playing a shell game with credit cards. It is downright embarrasing given their income and lifestyle a few years ago. They recently demanded through emails and frequent phone calls to DH at work that we "pledge support for them." After a lot of careful thought, we decided to say no. FIL will either have to come out of retirement or they will have to sell ther house and move into an apartment. I am not spending my future and my children's future on funding my ILs poor choices.

[Anonymous]

My cousins and one sister are always taking taking taking from my parents and grandparents.

I count my lucky stars I honestly don't care. I would so much prefer to make my own choices 100%. If I want to vacation or buy something ridiculous or allow my kids to go to clown school I love that I can completely ignore them if they have a judgemental comment. The mooches don't have that freedom.

For me,that's the BEST part of adulthood - you can do whatever you want whenever you want and can tell the adults to f off!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't see anyone mention this yet, but do you know your parents' overall financial situation, especially concerning their retirement plans and savings? It might be worth it to have a heart-to-heart discussion with them to make sure that they aren't compromising their long-term situation with all the money they give to your siblings. Because it seems pretty obvious that if your parents fall on hard times as they age (especially if there are medical issues), that you and your DH will be the ones to shoulder the burden physically and financially. What are the odds that your siblings would step up and take responsibility for them? If you feel resentful now, imagine how you'll feel when you have to spend a huge chunk of change taking care of your parents, after they more or less gave away all their money to your siblings.

This is our current situation. IL's have given more than they should have for years to BIL and now are financially runined. They cannot pay mortage, car payments and have been playing a shell game with credit cards. It is downright embarrasing given their income and lifestyle a few years ago. They recently demanded through emails and frequent phone calls to DH at work that we "pledge support for them." After a lot of careful thought, we decided to say no. FIL will either have to come out of retirement or they will have to sell ther house and move into an apartment. I am not spending my future and my children's future on funding my ILs poor choices.

awful situation for both PPs! I agree that OP should talk openly to her parents instead of just trying to not be resentful.
They are buying houses and cars for one sibling, and that is not the same as buying dinners, etc. Can they truly afford all of this?
Not mentioning that there is zero incentive for her brothers to ever change, or work. And at some point someone else will have to foot the bill! What will happen then?

[Anonymous]

I'm annoyed too. Your parents don't give me any money either. So unfair.

[Anonymous]

Wow, so many of us in the same boat. It is kind of heartening to know we're not alone. One thing I'd like to add that hasn't been said is that at least these siblings are asking your parents for help and not you. DH has two "fail to launch" siblings but his parents live on social security and our contributions and have nothing to give. They are emotional enablers though and treat the FTL sibs as though they can do no wrong even though they make one bad decision after the other. Blech.

Anyway, as a result of this combo, we are the ones who get the late night calls demanding thousands of dollars for overdue car payments, etc. DH used to pay but I put a stop to it. We are digging out of dual unemployment (in 2010) and an underwater house and just don't have it. That doesn't stop the sibs though, who call and berate DH or try to guilt him for not helping them, even though they don't work and have never bothered to go to college or upgrade their skills so they could find work. The emotional blackmail he endures is insane.

[Anonymous]

OP (and all the rest of you), I spent about $30 on lunch yesterday - are you irritated with me?

I ask because you have the same right to be aggravated with the way I spend my money that you do to be aggravated with the way your parents spend their money. (With the important caveat that this applies as long as your parents aren't going to want/need/expect your financial assistance because they're spending unwisely now. However, if this is an issue of it's "unfair" that they're giving to/helping siblings and not you (for whatever reason), or "spending your inheritance," you're way off base.)

It's not your money; it's not your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is interesting that both of the siblings are brothers. I think men have suffered greatly in the US for the last 20 or so years because of the feminization of our education system and society in general. They have not learned how to become "men" and take responsibility for their lives. Women, on the other hand, have been pushed to compete with men and act like men. They have benefitted from the increased emphasis on female success while men have foundered. There are so many boomerang children or parent-dependent children now and most of them are males.

Hi troll. Nobody took your bait, eh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP (and all the rest of you), I spent about $30 on lunch yesterday - are you irritated with me?

I ask because you have the same right to be aggravated with the way I spend my money that you do to be aggravated with the way your parents spend their money. (With the important caveat that this applies as long as your parents aren't going to want/need/expect your financial assistance because they're spending unwisely now. However, if this is an issue of it's "unfair" that they're giving to/helping siblings and not you (for whatever reason), or "spending your inheritance," you're way off base.)

It's not your money; it's not your business.

Well, on some level, you're right IF it is about wanting them to give money, too, if they already are giving to siblings. It sounds like for many posters, however, the fear is that the money eventually runs out and then where does the sibling turn? Yeah, this is what concerns me. We are doing our best to be responsible with our money, but having to support more than just our nuclear family on our money isn't going to happen. We will be saying no to the requests when they come...and I can almost guarantee that day is in the future at some point. Actually, I've told my husband a zillion times that the poor children can stay (because I can't turn innocent children away), but his brother can live in a cardboard box out on the street corner.

I already said in an earlier post I don't want my ILs money, and find the whole exercise of giving all of us envelopes at christmas ridiculous. I wish they weren't spending away their retirement on a loser because I want them to actually have a real retirement. It just makes us mad to watch this from halfway across the country and not be able to take that leech aside and tell him enough is enough.

But to your last point, family is your business. I don't think you can use that reasoning where family is concerned, especially not the type of families we come from. On both sides, I worry that they will wind up spending it all and being left with nothing years before they die. THAT is a bigger concern than "the inheritance pie is shrinking"

[Anonymous]

3 guesses who will end up the primary caregiver when your parents are much older and need assistance.... Eventually, someone will have to be the "responsible one" who deals with elderly parents and ties up loose ends. If either parent ends up in a nursing home, will the 2 brothers help out or visit? I'm guessing, NO.

[Anonymous]

As a hopefully, half decent parent, it is my job to insure that my children not only learn academics but also learn life lessons about responsibility and self reliance.

We will make sure our kids get a proper education and will will even happily fund college. We may even fund grad school, etc.

After that, my kids will know, in no uncertain terms that they are on their own financially.

Unless there is a very odd situation where our adult child faces loss of work do to a long term illness or tragic accident, they are on their own to figure it out. That is life. That is a good life with educational and life training. Life is not always easy but an adult taking handouts from a parent is doing no one any favors.

My kids better make the most out of their pretty nice child hood that includes a good education. If they screw around or blow off college, that is THEIR responsibility.

I don't believe in holding your kids hands once they are adults. Where does it end???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP (and all the rest of you), I spent about $30 on lunch yesterday - are you irritated with me?

I ask because you have the same right to be aggravated with the way I spend my money that you do to be aggravated with the way your parents spend their money. (With the important caveat that this applies as long as your parents aren't going to want/need/expect your financial assistance because they're spending unwisely now. However, if this is an issue of it's "unfair" that they're giving to/helping siblings and not you (for whatever reason), or "spending your inheritance," you're way off base.)

It's not your money; it's not your business.

OP here. I get what you're saying, but the analogy doesn't hold. Are you taking the $30 for a sushi lunch from someone who is trying to budget through retirement? Is there any chance that when you spend all your money on expensive lunches that you'll need me to start paying your rent? When the person who is giving you the sushi lunch dies, are you going to throw a fit that your entitlement to sushi lunches is not in the will? Etc, etc. It doesn't start and end with how my parents are spending their money.

I'll admit that part of it is jealousy - watching my brother make poor choice after poor choice and expecting my parents to foot the bill while I work and save and try to live like an adult. I admit that. It's also irritating to watch someone get "rewarded" for making such poor choices. Not just because it's my parents and my brother - it's the same reason some reality TV shows are so popular. It's like a train wreck and seems so "obvious" when it's not you actually making the choices. My parents are smart people, rationally they must get that they are hobbling my brother by not letting him support himself on his own. But who knows what I would do in their situation.

But my own irritation with the situation aside, it's also watching my parents not make choices for themselves because they are spending so much on my siblings. It's that I'm the executor and I'm worried that when they die, that I'm going to have a mess to deal with, particularly since they don't have all their wills and things in order. It's so much more than just what my parents choose to do with their money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a hopefully, half decent parent, it is my job to insure that my children not only learn academics but also learn life lessons about responsibility and self reliance.

We will make sure our kids get a proper education and will will even happily fund college. We may even fund grad school, etc.

After that, my kids will know, in no uncertain terms that they are on their own financially.

Unless there is a very odd situation where our adult child faces loss of work do to a long term illness or tragic accident, they are on their own to figure it out. That is life. That is a good life with educational and life training. Life is not always easy but an adult taking handouts from a parent is doing no one any favors.

My kids better make the most out of their pretty nice child hood that includes a good education. If they screw around or blow off college, that is THEIR responsibility.

I don't believe in holding your kids hands once they are adults. Where does it end???

you and I would get along.

18 years, kiddo - then go to college and figure out life afterwards yourself. I will be there if you get into a bind, but there will be no monthly support to fund a lifestyle you cannot afford. Live with 10 roommates if you have to - but learning to live on a budget is important.

[Anonymous]

OP, please be aware that you might want to have a conversation with your folks NOW about the future. Here's why:
My cousin is in a situation that I will probably be facing in the future. In a nutshell: Daughter is financially responsible and has her life on track. Does not require financial support from parents, and while not rich, is doing well on her own (with DH, kids, etc). Sons, on the other hand, are lazy slackers/mental issues/on parole... the list goes on and on. Sons receive massive, ongoing financial support from parents. Daughter is a little miffed at the perceived unfairness, but whatever.
Parents die. Sons have nobody to support their lifestyle, so they TURN TO SISTER FOR HELP. and harrassment, when help does not appear. Maybe should mention that brothers have a history of violence. Ugh. My cousin thought about moving back to her home state but didn't, simply because it would make it too easy for her to come home from work one day to find her brothers sitting on her front step.
My parents and I have had the discussion, and I know my brother is financially set up, but I dread the day something happens to them and I am "responsible" for him.