parents constantly giving low-performing siblings money, but not us bc we don't "need" it

[Anonymous]

I realize this is a good problem to have, but man it's getting annoying. Can anyone help me just let this go and be happy that we've done well in life?

I have a pretty close family and we all live in the area. I really do like my parents a lot and feel lucky in that regard. My husband and I have two kids in elementary school. We both graduated from college, got masters degrees while working full-time, got married, and then saved like crazy for a down payment for three years before buying our first house. We both kept working and are successful at our jobs (government employees and both make under $100k, but we have enough money to live nicely). Then we saved like crazy some more, bought a second house when we had kids, and kept the first house as a rental. My parents do babysit ocassionally and realy love our kids.

Meanwhile, my older brother got kicked out of his first year at college for failing, tried a whole bunch of random things (all paid for by my parents), and now lives in a house that my parents pay the rent for while he does random jobs (or not). My younger brother is sort of on the same path I was, except he hasn't done great at work and isn't a good saver. My parents lent him money that he doesn't pay back, and now they are giving him a down payment for a house. I just heard they are buying a house for my older brother to live in (they also just bought him a car).

Rationally, I know I'd rather be us on some level - we really are happy and lucky, but also have worked hard for what we have. My siblings seem to be just floating through life taking money from my parents. It's frustrating and every time someone mentions something my parents are paying for, it just seems so unfair and is really starting to irritate me. Again, help me just let this go? Anyone going through anything similar?

[Anonymous]

Better they take from your parents than from you. Yet another reason for parents to live a long life.

[Anonymous]

I guess I am a little like your brother...Well, the facts aren't all that similar. But I do get some cash from my parents. I'm married, work p/t, two kids. We make over 100K, but my parents pay for half my kids' private school tuition. I have siblings -- two of whom have no kids -- and one other sibling who also received similar assistance from the parents for their kids. I know there is probably some resentment for this. But my father assures me that all will be fair after he dies. In other words, the two who haven't been on the parental dole, so to speak, will get a larger share of their (my parents') estate. Is there a similar arrangement or understanding in your family? I'm guessing, no, and that's the source of your resentment?

In any event, I'd feel good about where you are in life and accept that your brother isn't in as good of a place. Doesn't sound like you want for anything and there's no way to turn your brother into a productive member of society, so the only thing to do is to feel good about what you've accomplished and let the other stuff go.

[Anonymous]

DH's family is like this, and I know he finds it really upsetting. I think on a basic level all children regardless of how old they are want to be treated equally as their siblings by their parents. It's sort of a primal instinct. Like you my DH tries to rationalize his feelings- they need more financial help, he's glad he's not dependent on them, etc. But it still bothers him. It's somewhat of a fairness issue. I think one thing that helped is to try to see it from his parents' perspective- they don't love his siblings more, they're actually scared out of their minds that his siblings are going to fall apart, not be able to support themselves, etc. I think this helped him to have more compassion for his parents and the tough situation that they're in.

[Anonymous]

Try to think of it this way...you wouldn't allow your brothers to live on the streets or to starve. And obviously, they aren't motivated enough, mature enough, or willing to do what it takes to be successful. Someone would have to bail them out and as much as we like to use the term, "tough love", not many of us would leave a family member in a shelter. I'm glad that your parents are footing the bill and not you. Also, you and your husband have the satisfaction of knowing that you are in control of your own lives. You are obviously proud of your accomplishments, as you should be. Your brothers don't have that sense of pride.

And most importantly, family money always comes with strings, even if you don't see them. Money = Control.

[Anonymous]

Put yourself in the parents position. If one of your children were struggling wouldn't you help them? Doesn't matter if the problems are self-inflicted. I bet there may be a little guilt from the parents that they somehow feel responsible for their kids not being prepared for the real world. Funding them sure isn't helping with that but nobody wants to see their children struggle.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for the quick replies. I'm feeling better already These are exactly what I need.

[Anonymous]

I hear you -- it must be incredibly frustrating, although you're on the right track knowing you have to just let this go. My question: who are these assholes telling you about all the things your parents are buying for your brother? If it's your parents, tell them "Mom, Dad, I know you have your reasons for doing this, and I'm not asking you to stop. But it's frustrating and hurtful for me to hear about all the things you're buying for Bro. Please stop telling me about them." If it's your brother, tell him "Hey, I'm not trying to get in the middle of whatever financial arrangements you have with Mom and Dad. But it's really hard for me to hear about it. So please, stop telling me." If it's anyone else: "I make it a point not to talk about Bro's finances. How about that Local Sports Team?"

[Anonymous]

The squeaky wheel always gets the oil. Reassurances about "equity" after death are meaningless -- the loser in the family will always suck up more resources.

My aunt has lived with her mother her entire life. She's a classic old maid. She has undiagnosed mental illness so it's a tragedy. Never held a job very long, never been married. Probably a virgin. Presents well but is nasty when you get to know her. She literally sends letters to small children telling them how horrible they are after they visit. It's ugly shit.

My mother and my uncle went off and made lives for themselves. My grandmother's estate is probably worth several million. My aunt is now making bold claims that she is entitled to it all since she's the primary caregiver of my grandmother (when in fact, it's the other way around). She went so far as to steal the codicile of my grandfather's will that split the estate evenly three ways. Grandma is in her 90s. We just pray she outlives my aunt b/c we're not even sure there's a valid will right now. Which means probate eats up half the estate.

Fun times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you -- it must be incredibly frustrating, although you're on the right track knowing you have to just let this go. My question: who are these assholes telling you about all the things your parents are buying for your brother? If it's your parents, tell them "Mom, Dad, I know you have your reasons for doing this, and I'm not asking you to stop. But it's frustrating and hurtful for me to hear about all the things you're buying for Bro. Please stop telling me about them." If it's your brother, tell him "Hey, I'm not trying to get in the middle of whatever financial arrangements you have with Mom and Dad. But it's really hard for me to hear about it. So please, stop telling me." If it's anyone else: "I make it a point not to talk about Bro's finances. How about that Local Sports Team?"

It's mostly just things in passing - not like anyone is directly telling me. This latest one was that I asked my parents what they were doing one weekend and they said they were going to look at open houses in my brother's town. I would love just not to hear about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The squeaky wheel always gets the oil. Reassurances about "equity" after death are meaningless -- the loser in the family will always suck up more resources.

My aunt has lived with her mother her entire life. She's a classic old maid. She has undiagnosed mental illness so it's a tragedy. Never held a job very long, never been married. Probably a virgin. Presents well but is nasty when you get to know her. She literally sends letters to small children telling them how horrible they are after they visit. It's ugly shit.

My mother and my uncle went off and made lives for themselves. My grandmother's estate is probably worth several million. My aunt is now making bold claims that she is entitled to it all since she's the primary caregiver of my grandmother (when in fact, it's the other way around). She went so far as to steal the codicile of my grandfather's will that split the estate evenly three ways. Grandma is in her 90s. We just pray she outlives my aunt b/c we're not even sure there's a valid will right now. Which means probate eats up half the estate.

Fun times.

Ugh, this sounds awful. I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar situation and it got worse as we all got older. I don't think my parents realized how out of whack it had gotten--they were truly blind to it and since they were blind to it, it kind of escalated. It peaked a few years ago when me and one sibling were well over thirty and our other sibling was in his late 20s (in other words, all grown up). I can't tell if my siblings really knew but they ultimately acted like they didn't. I totally shamed them all into stopping or leveling the playing field. I told my siblings that I didn't get free this and that from M & D (parents would pay for adult sports leagues for siblings but not for me--not a big deal on its own but part of a ridiculous outpouring of cash to some siblings and not me). I told my siblings about this and they said they thought my parent paid for us all. I told my siblings that when we went to eat with my parents, my DH and I paid for ourselves. Not true of my married siblings or my single siblings. I pointed out to my parents that they had taken my siblings to dinner (and paid) over and over. I told my parents this when they kept telling me about this great restaurant that they had gone to and I said I had never been and they kept insisting I had but it was them taking my siblings over and over. I hit the wall when I stood there and had my parents pay for lift tickets for my siblings in front of me and then expected me to pay. In front of my siblings and the clerks, I asked why I was the only one who had to pay. My siblings were so embarrassed. They told my parents to stop and that they didn't realize how out of balance it all was and that they didn't think it was fair.

Sometimes you just have to shame them all. I am proud that I don't need my parents help. But, in many cases, my siblings don't either anymore. But they did need help at one point and so a pattern developed. Getting it resolved has really improved my relationship with my siblings--resentment was definitely building up.

[Anonymous]

My family is similar- My parents struggled with money while I was living at home and it taught me that I didn't want to live like that. My husband and I have worked very hard to have what we have. My parents are finally on the right track and doing well and they help my younger brothers a lot- I won't get into the details but they are for things that I think my brothers need to take responsibility for themselves. I agree, no parent wants to see their child struggle. But I don't think my brothers will learn to live within their means if they keep getting bailed out. I don't resent that I don't get money, because we DONT need it. But it breaks my heart when my mom says she cant do XYZ for herself this month because she needs to pay my brother's water bill.

[Anonymous]

OP here - 9:07 - yikes. I'm definitely not at a place where I'm wanting to shame anyone, but I'm torn on these types of issues too.

In our case, we go out to dinner as a family once a month and we always offer to pay or we actually do pay (we're the only ones with kids, so it's four of us versus just one of each sibling). My parents always pay for my siblings.

Similarly, we try to go on an annual vacation together and get a house for a week and we usually pay a 1/4 into the house, bring lots of food, pay for our own activities, and take everyone out for dinner one night. My siblings pay nothing and get everything paid for by my parents all week.

I'm not sure why this doesn't bother me as much as the stuff like down payment, etc, but I think it's because my siblings couldn't afford to go out to dinner or on the vacation at all if my parents didn't pay for them. So then we wouldn't have all these family activities, which I would really miss. But also my parents never ASK us to pay, we just do, because we're adults and in my mind, that's what adults do.

It's the house buying and the car buying and the brand new expensive laptop buying and the gifting of money for down payments - that stuff drives me crazy

[Anonymous]

Money screws up families like nothing else.

My rule of thumb is never to think about what someone else is getting from someone else, and never to expect anything for yourself.