parents constantly giving low-performing siblings money, but not us bc we don't "need" it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is similar- My parents struggled with money while I was living at home and it taught me that I didn't want to live like that. My husband and I have worked very hard to have what we have. My parents are finally on the right track and doing well and they help my younger brothers a lot- I won't get into the details but they are for things that I think my brothers need to take responsibility for themselves. I agree, no parent wants to see their child struggle. But I don't think my brothers will learn to live within their means if they keep getting bailed out. I don't resent that I don't get money, because we DONT need it. But it breaks my heart when my mom says she cant do XYZ for herself this month because she needs to pay my brother's water bill.

That's awful PP, that your siblings would be taking money from parents that are having to sacrifice themselves - that would add a whole other element of irritation. I agree with you that part of what drives me crazy is that of course my brother isn't going to get a steady job if my parents keep buying stuff for him. Why would he? And now he's in his late 20s and has a horrible job record and it's become almost necessary for my parents to give him money since it's been happening so long. I guess I can't say I wouldn't do the same since my kids are still young, but man is it irritating to have watched this happening for 10 years and see where we've ended up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Money screws up families like nothing else.

My rule of thumb is never to think about what someone else is getting from someone else, and never to expect anything for yourself.

I (OP) agree on a rational level with this - what I need help with is actually executing this rationality in real time

[Anonymous]

I can relate. My Mom used to gripe to me that she got nothing from her parents because she was the functional one. Low and behold she has helped one of my siblings more than the rest of us. It does bother me when I focus on it. But my Mom and I are very close. She tells me often that she is proud of me. I think on many levels she is relieved that she doesn't have to worry about me and my ability to take care of myself. So like the PP, I ask for nothing and expect nothing. It's easier that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate. My Mom used to gripe to me that she got nothing from her parents because she was the functional one. Low and behold she has helped one of my siblings more than the rest of us. It does bother me when I focus on it. But my Mom and I are very close. She tells me often that she is proud of me. I think on many levels she is relieved that she doesn't have to worry about me and my ability to take care of myself. So like the PP, I ask for nothing and expect nothing. It's easier that way.

I like this PP, thanks. My mom says the same about me and you're right that I am probably a relief and a "success story" to her in a way. I really love my mom and am also very close to her and I'm happy to make her life easier.

[Anonymous]

I know other families where this happens too. I agree it's aggravating and difficult to understand.

[Anonymous]

Be thankful your brother didn't steal you car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family is similar- My parents struggled with money while I was living at home and it taught me that I didn't want to live like that. My husband and I have worked very hard to have what we have. My parents are finally on the right track and doing well and they help my younger brothers a lot- I won't get into the details but they are for things that I think my brothers need to take responsibility for themselves. I agree, no parent wants to see their child struggle. But I don't think my brothers will learn to live within their means if they keep getting bailed out. I don't resent that I don't get money, because we DONT need it. But it breaks my heart when my mom says she cant do XYZ for herself this month because she needs to pay my brother's water bill.

That's awful PP, that your siblings would be taking money from parents that are having to sacrifice themselves - that would add a whole other element of irritation. I agree with you that part of what drives me crazy is that of course my brother isn't going to get a steady job if my parents keep buying stuff for him. Why would he? And now he's in his late 20s and has a horrible job record and it's become almost necessary for my parents to give him money since it's been happening so long. I guess I can't say I wouldn't do the same since my kids are still young, but man is it irritating to have watched this happening for 10 years and see where we've ended up.

This sounds so much like my husband's family. His brother has been a loser for a long time, and it is just a vicious cycle. They always say how proud they are of us and how they are thankful that we are doing well. We wonder if the whole mess started as guilt that maybe they had somehow screwed up as parents (my husband got himself cleaned up, not them), but at some point, tough love with the brother would have been a better option. Now, they are saddled with him AND his 2 children he had with a barely legal baby momma who now can't be bothered to take care of her kids, either. They are NEVER getting rid of him now, not with grandbabies involved.

Every Christmas, they hand all of us envelopes with checks for a couple hundred bucks. That bothers me, because I feel like it is all for show at this point, trying to be "fair." The best thing would be to give NO money - we don't need it, and the money given to the brother is wasted on booze or gigantic tattoos, so what is the damn point? They should keep that money to put food in the kids' mouths or pay off THEIR bills.

Just know you aren't alone in your frustration with these types of situations. You probably should just be thankful for what you have and hope your siblings problems never become yours - this shit haunts my dreams, as I fear my ILs are going to die and then my BIL will be on our doorstep with his kids in tow.

[Anonymous]

OP, We're on the other side of the situation - Maybe me telling you our perspective might help a little. In my DH's family, we are the poorest. A little background - my DH lost his job about 3 years ago and couldn't find another one. He's taken anything that came along, but we quickly realized with his limited skill set, the money he was making at some of these jobs didn't cover daycare expenses. In other words, we were paying out money for him to work. So, we made the decision to have him stay home. I have a job, but with one income, we are pretty tight on money. We cover our bills, etc. but really don't have much for extras. When something breaks or we have an extra expense, it goes on the credit card and we pray we can pay that off before another unexpected expense comes along. DH also has taken some odd jobs here and there when we've needed extra money. My in-laws are pretty well-off.

His parents paid for a bunch of things for us since we got in this situation. They've paid some bills off, bought us a new car (mercedes, to boot) and several vacations. I have seen the look in his brothers' eyes when they saw us pull up in a very nice car (better car than either of them had) and my DH told them their parents gave it to him. I also see that they are a bit resentful when they see our vacations.

But, as appreciative as we are, it's not all that great. to begin, we had a running car, although it was pretty old (a 1996 oldmobile) and had to have repairs more and more often. My in-laws insisted on getting us a car (it's a lease). I objected for a number of reasons - the biggest is that our olds was paid off and when the lease ends on the new car, we'd have to come up with money for a new car and we're not ready. They persisted and insisted until it happened. Then, they picked the car, make, model, color, and features. We had no say. While it's nice (and I'm certainly not complaining of their generous gift), it's difficult to have no choice in certain things.

The same with vacations. They are all beautiful very nice places, but we don't get to choose. They pick out everything - down to the activities we do. and these are trips that sometimes they'll go with us, but sometimes they won't - they'll just ask about my vacation days and say they want to give us a vacation as a gift. But then, they've scheduled the tours we'd be on, the activities they want us to do (by already paying for the entrance fees, etc.) and our "itinerary."

Finally, since they help us so much (they've helped with bills, groceries, and classes for our kids), they are free to question our spending. If I get a manicure (rarely do I do this, but it's a nice treat and only costs about $15) my MIL will question it, ask if I "needed" that, and can I afford it. And she does that when I get clothes for the kids or me - she insists that I need to tell her when the kids need new clothes so she could buy them for us - but again - she picks out what she likes - I don't get a say. So, I like to buy something for my girl that I like to see her in, even if MIL doesn't like it.

I wanted to share all of this with you to say that while at first, the gifts may seem great, it does hold a certain power over the recipients - your brothers probably don't get to make too many decisions aobut their lives. That's what's happened with us.

[Anonymous]

That's a tough one. My dad's always been obsessively fair about giving money to the kids. If one kid needs money, all the kids get money. When my heat pump crapped out 6 months after I bought my first house, my dad gave me the money for it. He gave the same amount of money to my siblings, with the comment that they'd be thrilled to have it. I make more money than my siblings, but they're both married and sharing household expenses, so none of us are really worse off.

My ex's brother has been getting money from their folks for years. I think my in-laws have helped my ex out as well (and are likely saving for our daughter, their only grandchild) but I'm not 100% sure.

[Anonymous]

My friend comes from new money. Her parents have used money to divide and conquer. She is so enabled that it's disgusting.

no job
hasn't worked for the past 10 years
single mother - divorced

She lives better than we do, and we're a dual-income family. Her condo is worth more than our home. all paid for by her parents

While I envy her endless pot of gold, I don't envy her inability to care for herself, nor do I think she's a good role model for her daughter - who attends one of the top privates in DC (tuition, of course, covered by her parents).

So be grateful for what you have and even more grateful for being able to care for yourself and your family.

[Anonymous]

10:45, if those strings attached to the money are too much, you can always say no.

I have to say it seems disingenuous to accept vacations, etc., and then express "but we didn't get to do what we wanted."

Live within the means that you have, and stop accepting the gifts. If that means a smaller house, an older car, and so-so public schools, that's what you can afford.

But to come on here to try to make responsible people see "your perspective" is a bit much. A Mercedes, vacations, clothes, etc. Your an adult. If you want to be treated like one, the first step is saying "No, thank you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:45, if those strings attached to the money are too much, you can always say no.

I have to say it seems disingenuous to accept vacations, etc., and then express "but we didn't get to do what we wanted."

Live within the means that you have, and stop accepting the gifts. If that means a smaller house, an older car, and so-so public schools, that's what you can afford.

But to come on here to try to make responsible people see "your perspective" is a bit much. A Mercedes, vacations, clothes, etc. Your an adult. If you want to be treated like one, the first step is saying "No, thank you."

Wow, you make it seem so black and white. I didn't say the strings are too much. I pointed out that there are usually strings attached with gifts that maybe the OP was overlooking in feeling a bit jealous of her brothers. I was giving examples of what some of those strings looked like in our situation.

And, I resent you separating me from the "responsible people." We are very responsible - I took extra measures to explain in my post that we aren't just floating through life - but we fell on some hard times, we are working and taking on extra jobs to cover our expenses - i also pointed out that we do live within our means - we would NEVER go on vacation but for the generous gifts my ILs give - we couldn't afford them. I also pointed out that I did say "no thank you" to the car. But they persisted and my DH gave in.

So, get off your high horse. I wasn't saying the strings are too much. I was just pointing out that there are strings.

[Anonymous]

Oh, pp here again. And I never said we didn't get to do what we wanted. I said we don't get to choose. BIG difference. They are great vacations and are fun - and we still want to go - but they decide when and where.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, pp here again. And I never said we didn't get to do what we wanted. I said we don't get to choose. BIG difference. They are great vacations and are fun - and we still want to go - but they decide when and where.

And somebody else pays for them. No, you don't live within your means.

[Anonymous]

Ok guys, lay off the poster who came on here and was honest.

I have a similar situation - I'm financially stable, and one of my siblings isn't. Looking at the younger ones, one will be independent, and one will leach for a bit longer than I'd be comfortable with.

One of the things that I've reminded myself - being in a stable committed relationship gives me certain financial advantages. I've been living with my partner for 12 years. Essentially cutting in half housing costs, giving us certain financial reliability, and security. I was able to get my finances in order with this security. Now we make over 150K as a family (and have increased the size of that family), and we have emergency savings and a house, and a lot more stability.

My parents are helping my siblings with rent and lending money as needed because they don't have the financial stability that DINK households can give. I don't resent this at all - but then again, my parents are doing this in a sensible manner, as far as i can tell.