parents constantly giving low-performing siblings money, but not us bc we don't "need" it

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are like this. My husband has a deadbeat sister who abandoned her three kids, has been married four times (she's 31), and is most likely doing drugs. The kids have been living with their fathers (there are two), and my in-laws paid $10K in back-pay for child support. Plus, they pay for day care, clothing, tutoring, etc. They also supplement their daughter's household and business expenses. I'm glad the three kids have grandparents who love them and care about their well-being, but my husband and child will never receive anything close to what the others receive. My husband has always been the responsible one, and there's always been a gross inequity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, from your tone and your descriptions, it sounds like you're really (mostly) only upset about the money and financial implications that flow from the disparity. Your parents seem to love you as much as-- and probably respect you more than-- your brothers. You're the winner here.

If you have frequented DCUM for long, then you've surely seen many, many threads about parents who favor their children/grandchildren in ways that suggest they do love them differently. (i.e. attending school events for one child but not the other, etc.) Those are so heartbreaking to read. At worst, your parents have enabled potentially cripplingly dependent behavior by your brothers. It also sounds, though, like a lot of what they've done is enable your family to be together/do things together that couldn't happen without their help.

In a perfect world, your brothers would be successful and you all would dine/vacation/etc. together on equal financial footing. That the financial disparity has not so far created the bitter resentment seen on so many posts here suggests that your parents have been very good about assuring you, their successful child, how much love and pride they have in you. I would tuck that certainty into your heart.

OP again. I love this post. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Your parents are ruining your siblings...that is not help -- it is ENABLING.
When your parents are gone your brothers will be helpless and it is a shame.
I know...
My grandmother did this to my father.
Now he's almost 70 -- he always worked, never saved (never paid child support to his ex-wife -- my mom)
and now that he has had strokes...and diabetes...which he carelessly did not take care (not take medicine, etc)
Guess who is stuck having to try to take care of him...
because all he has is social security and no retirement
your brothers won't even have that...
What your parents are doing out of what they think of love is crippling..

[Anonymous]

My parents are continuing to provide additional financial assistance to my older brother, despite the fact that he has a well-paying job (over $100K), lives in a low cost-of-living area, and his wife owns her own business. Fifteen years ago, when he was a single struggling "musician" I could understand their largess, but now it's ridiculous, especially as both of my parents are now retired and living on a fixed income. I have never taken a DIME from them, while my brother and his wife have no problem taking thousands and allowing them to pay for their son's preschool and a myriad other things. They constantly complain about how hard things are for them financially (while buying a new car every two years and taking long vacations) and it's really pathetic to watch my parents fall for the begging over and over again.

I have two children and I understand the idea that you do not want to see your child struggling and would want to help them, but when does that "help" become a crutch?

The financial assistance in my family's case is just a continuation of favoritism that started a long time ago.....and I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive my father for asking me if I would "be okay" if they left more to my brother in their will. I told him that I did not want or need his money but that it was a definite problem if he left more of anything to either of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, from your tone and your descriptions, it sounds like you're really (mostly) only upset about the money and financial implications that flow from the disparity. Your parents seem to love you as much as-- and probably respect you more than-- your brothers. You're the winner here.

If you have frequented DCUM for long, then you've surely seen many, many threads about parents who favor their children/grandchildren in ways that suggest they do love them differently. (i.e. attending school events for one child but not the other, etc.) Those are so heartbreaking to read. At worst, your parents have enabled potentially cripplingly dependent behavior by your brothers. It also sounds, though, like a lot of what they've done is enable your family to be together/do things together that couldn't happen without their help.

In a perfect world, your brothers would be successful and you all would dine/vacation/etc. together on equal financial footing. That the financial disparity has not so far created the bitter resentment seen on so many posts here suggests that your parents have been very good about assuring you, their successful child, how much love and pride they have in you. I would tuck that certainty into your heart.

I echo this. I am one of the complaining PPs and I think the thing that bothers us the most is that we do feel they pay more attention to the other grandkids. My in-laws bought a winter house near loser SIL to spend time with her kids. And I respect that, she is so messed up that it is great they have DH's parents in their lives. They shower them with attention because they think SIL is a bad mom and I am grateful they do as I like SIL's kids. But still, we beg and plead them to come visit us and they either never do, or invite SIL/pay for her and her brood to come too, and spend the whole time watching her kids. It is hurtful. They will never know their adoring grandson well because they are too wrapped up in her drama, and that hurts. Luckily my parents are very affectionate and visit often so my son feels grandparent affection. But the difference is marked -- he constantly talks about (names he calls my parents) and never about (names he calls DH's parents) just because he never gets to spend quality time with them.

[Anonymous]

PP here -- sorry OP for venting so much on your thread. Your posts really struck home.

[Anonymous]

Are your parents good to you? Have they given you what you needed from them? If so, don't worry about what they have done for your siblings. Parenting is not about equality. You do your best for every child, and sometimes that means you sacrifice more for one than the other.

[Anonymous]

get off your high horse, 16:37. I am glad there are saints in the world but there's no need to make OP feel bad for very natural feelings.

[Anonymous]

My uncle was like OP's brother and took money from my grandparents for YEARS. He and his wife both worked but just made stupid, stupid financial decisions and always used my grandparents as a fall back when they needed money. Sadly, my grandparents didn't have much themselves but they tried to help as much as they could, even though they should have said no. We aren't talking about falling on hard times--we're talking about people who just spent their money stupidly. Even into their 40s they were pulling this shit.

My grandparents are both dead now and they now ask my parents for money when they need it. My parents basically had to support my grandparents because my uncle was so careless and now they are being asked for money from my uncle and his wife. And they are in their 60s. Its ridiculous. My parents claim that they dont give them money but I know they do and it pisses me off. If it were my sibling and they lost a job and my parents helped them, that's one thing. But my aunt and uncle?? Craziness!

[Anonymous]

DHs family is like this. They are all about reinforcing having no work ethic. I am fine with it. I don't want a dime from them. I just find it sad that my in-laws do everything possible to undermine and enable my siblings in law and then they berate them for not accomplishing much.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me sick. None of us know what circumstances affect others...being jealous does nothing more than bring the ugly.

None of us are more than one catastrophic illness or financial crisis from bankruptcy.

We are judgmental only because we can be.

Let it go, OP, and be very grateful it isn't you on the ledge.

[Anonymous]

I love these posts. Not because I am glad they are happening, but I am glad I am not alone, selfishly. OP, DH and I are both in the same situation. The do-little or nothing siblings are useless. Except somehow they are outstanding at taking, taking, taking. Disgusting. We have one sibling who claims she does this and that for everyone, and has depleted the mom out of almost everything. Somehow the mom owes HER? WHAT????? Funny how the takers are so good at one thing. You guessed it. They have a way of spinning. Funny, I am really averse to takers in real life too. Whether or one has to do with the other is no matter to me, as I see it as a huge character flaw to try to dupe others out of something the latter has worked so hard for. Some people, especially older parents, never see it coming. It is a shame and does the favored siblings no favor in life - as they fail to learn to actually be an adult and do for themselves. I realize it is hard to remember we are better off for it. Thank you for reminding us we are not alone. It's difficult - whether or not it should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me sick. None of us know what circumstances affect others...being jealous does nothing more than bring the ugly.

None of us are more than one catastrophic illness or financial crisis from bankruptcy.

We are judgmental only because we can be.

Let it go, OP, and be very grateful it isn't you on the ledge.

who's judging now?

come on - no one on this thread is jealous from what I can tell. I think a lot of it is anger at people who consistently make stupid decisions only to be bailed out time and again. While many of us understand mental illness or true crisis like an illness or loss of income (and trust me, we're living possible loss of income in my own house currently, so I am keenly aware), many of these siblings do NOT have this problem and are just being enabled/coddled, and as another poster so rightly pointed out, this type of behavior by parents/relatives does NO ONE any favors.

My idiot BIL went through a bankruptcy after finally divorcing the psycho he had twice married by the age of 26 and moved back home. We felt somewhat bad for him at that point (although the relationship with the ex was another series of mistakes, but I digress) , and understood his parents were helping get him back on his feet. But he just kept making bad decisions time and time again. He could have taken his time living at home to save some money to try to move out on his own within a couple years. Did that happen? No. Which is why my husband had been planning a serious sit down with him after SIX YEARS of living off mommy and daddy only to be derailed by the surprise pregnancy announcement. The whole situation just frustrates the hell out of us, and especially me because this shit just wouldn't happen in my family. My parents made their expectations of me very clear - I knew they would always be there for me, but I have a sense of pride and would work 3 jobs before I went crying for help. And there would be rules for living at home, too - such as if you're in debt, we will all work together to figure out how to pay it off, but there will be no $100 bar tabs and random trips during this process. I'd be so sickened to be living at home with 2 kids at the age of 37 knowing it wasn't some huge disaster that befell me, but a lifetime of horrid choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The squeaky wheel always gets the oil. Reassurances about "equity" after death are meaningless -- the loser in the family will always suck up more resources.

My aunt has lived with her mother her entire life. She's a classic old maid. She has undiagnosed mental illness so it's a tragedy. Never held a job very long, never been married. Probably a virgin. Presents well but is nasty when you get to know her. She literally sends letters to small children telling them how horrible they are after they visit. It's ugly shit.

My mother and my uncle went off and made lives for themselves. My grandmother's estate is probably worth several million. My aunt is now making bold claims that she is entitled to it all since she's the primary caregiver of my grandmother (when in fact, it's the other way around). She went so far as to steal the codicile of my grandfather's will that split the estate evenly three ways. Grandma is in her 90s. We just pray she outlives my aunt b/c we're not even sure there's a valid will right now. Which means probate eats up half the estate.

Fun times.

Ugh, this sounds awful. I'm so sorry.

This is unbelievably horrible and you have my complete sympathy--this really puts the petty bickering in my familyy into perspective. Your intuition is EPIC. I would hate to be in your mother or brother's position--I would be calling a hit man right now. Just kidding...no, really, I would...

I have a similar situation with my SIL -moved to $1m house b/c she couldn't support herself as a 35 yr old and once MIL passed away everything is hers and no one is allowed to even visit - there are 3 other siblings + spouses. ugh - what is wrong with people?!

[Anonymous]

Don't the parents realize they are causing a rift that will likely last for the rest of the siblings lives and possibly their children's? Dumb, dumb, dumb.