parents constantly giving low-performing siblings money, but not us bc we don't "need" it

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel your pain. My DH's siblings are just like this. Both his sisters live on the family dole and it drives me crazy though I know I shouldn't let it. They also support my SIL's kids almost exclusively. They buy everything, pay for day care, etc. SIL regularly spends the money they give her to pay for day care on clothes and manicures for herself, then comes back because she's broke. And of course they give her more because they don't want the kids to feel any pinch. Insane.

We end up footing most of the bill for "family" vacations, because his parents pay to fly the sisters in, and we are expected to provide the food and lodging for everyone and of course our own transportation. I get that they paid to fly the sisters in but they all act like getting to spend some time with his (prima donna, drama queen) sisters is something we should be ecstatic to receive, when in fact it just makes us stressed and unhappy, since they never fail to start a family quarrel.

I am just. done. I know I should just be happy our family is doing OK financially and emotionally but I am just at the end of my tolerance.

[Anonymous]

SIL is almost 40 and has either been supported or heavily subsidized by the ILs all her life. Most recently, they bought her a car (come to think of it, they've bought every car she's owned). They've paid her full rent 3 out of the last 5 years. They've paid for her two weddings (one lavish one not), two divorces one bankruptcy lawyer and god knows what other expenses over the years.

Meanwhile, they haven't given DH any financial support since he graduated from college. When DH and I were starting out, he asked if we could borrow some money to help with a downpayment for our first house. MIL said no and made him feel ashamed for even asking and now he says he'd beg on the streets before asking them for anything. My family loaned us the money for our house downpayment and when it came time to repay it, refused because they had paid for my sister's grad school and so they wanted to even things out. IL's put some money in our kids' college funds every year (probably less than 10% of what they spend on SIL), then frequently comment about how much they're helping us out when we're saving as much a month for college as they give our kids in a year.

DH totally resents his sister & has practically no relationship with her. IL's complain about the sister all the time, but don't seem to realize they've completely enabled her and the reason she can't support herself is becasuse she's never had to. DH and I also resent ILs. For this and other reaons, we only spend a minimal amount of time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The squeaky wheel always gets the oil. Reassurances about "equity" after death are meaningless -- the loser in the family will always suck up more resources.

My aunt has lived with her mother her entire life. She's a classic old maid. She has undiagnosed mental illness so it's a tragedy. Never held a job very long, never been married. Probably a virgin. Presents well but is nasty when you get to know her. She literally sends letters to small children telling them how horrible they are after they visit. It's ugly shit.

My mother and my uncle went off and made lives for themselves. My grandmother's estate is probably worth several million. My aunt is now making bold claims that she is entitled to it all since she's the primary caregiver of my grandmother (when in fact, it's the other way around). She went so far as to steal the codicile of my grandfather's will that split the estate evenly three ways. Grandma is in her 90s. We just pray she outlives my aunt b/c we're not even sure there's a valid will right now. Which means probate eats up half the estate.

Fun times.

Ugh, this sounds awful. I'm so sorry.

This is unbelievably horrible and you have my complete sympathy--this really puts the petty bickering in my familyy into perspective. Your intuition is EPIC. I would hate to be in your mother or brother's position--I would be calling a hit man right now. Just kidding...no, really, I would...

[Anonymous]

FIL gave DH's cousin money to help her move (she's older, on disability) and THEN told DH that he needs to send a check to cover our share of the gift. We don't have extra cash to just write a check like that. FIL has been bitching at DH for over 6 months about it.

He also calls us whenever BIL is having a work crisis and BIL called and wanted to know how much money DH was going to send him for his birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, We're on the other side of the situation - Maybe me telling you our perspective might help a little. In my DH's family, we are the poorest. A little background - my DH lost his job about 3 years ago and couldn't find another one. He's taken anything that came along, but we quickly realized with his limited skill set, the money he was making at some of these jobs didn't cover daycare expenses. In other words, we were paying out money for him to work. So, we made the decision to have him stay home. I have a job, but with one income, we are pretty tight on money. We cover our bills, etc. but really don't have much for extras. When something breaks or we have an extra expense, it goes on the credit card and we pray we can pay that off before another unexpected expense comes along. DH also has taken some odd jobs here and there when we've needed extra money. My in-laws are pretty well-off.

His parents paid for a bunch of things for us since we got in this situation. They've paid some bills off, bought us a new car (mercedes, to boot) and several vacations. I have seen the look in his brothers' eyes when they saw us pull up in a very nice car (better car than either of them had) and my DH told them their parents gave it to him. I also see that they are a bit resentful when they see our vacations.

But, as appreciative as we are, it's not all that great. to begin, we had a running car, although it was pretty old (a 1996 oldmobile) and had to have repairs more and more often. My in-laws insisted on getting us a car (it's a lease). I objected for a number of reasons - the biggest is that our olds was paid off and when the lease ends on the new car, we'd have to come up with money for a new car and we're not ready. They persisted and insisted until it happened. Then, they picked the car, make, model, color, and features. We had no say. While it's nice (and I'm certainly not complaining of their generous gift), it's difficult to have no choice in certain things.

The same with vacations. They are all beautiful very nice places, but we don't get to choose. They pick out everything - down to the activities we do. and these are trips that sometimes they'll go with us, but sometimes they won't - they'll just ask about my vacation days and say they want to give us a vacation as a gift. But then, they've scheduled the tours we'd be on, the activities they want us to do (by already paying for the entrance fees, etc.) and our "itinerary."

Finally, since they help us so much (they've helped with bills, groceries, and classes for our kids), they are free to question our spending. If I get a manicure (rarely do I do this, but it's a nice treat and only costs about $15) my MIL will question it, ask if I "needed" that, and can I afford it. And she does that when I get clothes for the kids or me - she insists that I need to tell her when the kids need new clothes so she could buy them for us - but again - she picks out what she likes - I don't get a say. So, I like to buy something for my girl that I like to see her in, even if MIL doesn't like it.

I wanted to share all of this with you to say that while at first, the gifts may seem great, it does hold a certain power over the recipients - your brothers probably don't get to make too many decisions aobut their lives. That's what's happened with us.

OP here. Hmmmmmmmmmm really struggling with this post. It does make me feel better about being on the "other side" where no one is questioning if I go get a manicure, etc. So thank you for that. I've got to ask though - why do you say yes to the car and to the vacations? I can see saying yes to the bills and groceries and classes for the kids - all stuff that you I'm sure appreciate the help with and I totally get that sometimes life throws you a curveball through no fault of your own (and that's one of the reasons I feel so lucky to have parents who do have extra money - if something awful were to happen, it's really nice to know that we would always have food and a home).

I have to say though that the new car and the multiple vacations would, as a sibling, drive me bananas, particularly if the same "benefit" wasn't being offered to all siblings. It would severely damage my relationship with the sibling accepting these. And I can see offering your side of the story if your in-laws were buying, I don't know, only Lucky Charms and processed foods and you were upset because you wanted your kids to eat healthier. There's that, but I have to admit I have zero sympathy for your situation where you get to go for free on a nice vacation but don't get to select the itinerary. Ah, really trying to tread lightly because I really would like to hear the other side of the story and I appreciate your perspective. But it's actually kind of making me more irritated to think that maybe my younger brother would be complaining about the house my parents bought him because he really wanted a bungalow and they bought him a colonial or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The squeaky wheel always gets the oil. Reassurances about "equity" after death are meaningless -- the loser in the family will always suck up more resources.

My aunt has lived with her mother her entire life. She's a classic old maid. She has undiagnosed mental illness so it's a tragedy. Never held a job very long, never been married. Probably a virgin. Presents well but is nasty when you get to know her. She literally sends letters to small children telling them how horrible they are after they visit. It's ugly shit.

My mother and my uncle went off and made lives for themselves. My grandmother's estate is probably worth several million. My aunt is now making bold claims that she is entitled to it all since she's the primary caregiver of my grandmother (when in fact, it's the other way around). She went so far as to steal the codicile of my grandfather's will that split the estate evenly three ways. Grandma is in her 90s. We just pray she outlives my aunt b/c we're not even sure there's a valid will right now. Which means probate eats up half the estate.

Fun times.

PP - thank you for posting this. Your aunt is just like my sister, right down to the writing of the nasty letters. It's been awful and stressful for my entire family. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one with a family member like this.

[Anonymous]

OP. I understand. We have three siblings. My brother and I are both self-sufficient, in good careers. Our parents gave us gifts that we both applied to house down payments that allowed us to get better houses than we would have gotten on our own. Not necessary gifts, but luxury gifts. We are both grateful. My sister on the other hand, is different. She had an okay career, but then she married the ex-asshole. In their 12 years together (1 year dating, 11 years married), he forbade her from working. He had a lot of money. He was a classic abuser, controlling her, when she could go out. When she didn't work, she lost touch with her career. After a very scary episode, she escaped with my niece. In the aftermath, he spent a lot of money in the divorce. He was a JD and knew the red state they lived in was a very anti-wife state in divorce proceedings. My parents spent a LOT of money, significantly more than they gifted to both of us brothers on fighting the jerk in court and getting what minimal support they could for my sister. She now works a low paying florist job that she loves. But she makes very little. She lives in my brother's old condo and my parents help her pay him rent.

My parents spend a lot more money on my sister than they do on either of us. And we already know that their will is biased in favor of her (she gets around 50% of their significant estate and we each get about 25%); they've been open about it. And you know what? I don't care. And neither does my brother. We're both happy that she'll be taken care of and that we won't need to help support her after our parents pass. I'm also very, very happy that I've had a pretty easy life relative to her and I would never want to trade for the hardships that she's had to suffer. I have a good life and my parents money help my sister have a good life. I don't always like her, but I love her and want what's best for her. And if Mom and Dad's money can do that, Great. DW and I will be okay. We make decent money (not like the lawyers around this town, but okay), have a good house and a good life.

OP--think about it this way. Your siblings are struggling. They've never been particularly good at anything. They have no focus in their life. They live off of your parents, but they don't seem to have a particularly enjoyable life. You have a job, a marriage, a stable home and the means to pay for that yourself without relying on others. You don't have to worry about what will happen to you if someone else dies...you are self-sufficient and in your nuclear family, you and your spouse take care of yourselves. Your siblings rely on your parents to subsidize them. If they weren't subsidized by parents, they could be in a lot of trouble just making ends meet. Which life would you rather have? Most would want your life over your siblings' lives. Be thankful for that rather than think about what they are getting vs what you are getting. And be glad that you don't have to be the ones to subsidize your siblings. Believe me, even with your parents' unequal money, you are better off than your siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize this is a good problem to have, but man it's getting annoying. Can anyone help me just let this go and be happy that we've done well in life?

I have a pretty close family and we all live in the area. I really do like my parents a lot and feel lucky in that regard. My husband and I have two kids in elementary school. We both graduated from college, got masters degrees while working full-time, got married, and then saved like crazy for a down payment for three years before buying our first house. We both kept working and are successful at our jobs (government employees and both make under $100k, but we have enough money to live nicely). Then we saved like crazy some more, bought a second house when we had kids, and kept the first house as a rental. My parents do babysit ocassionally and realy love our kids.

Meanwhile, my older brother got kicked out of his first year at college for failing, tried a whole bunch of random things (all paid for by my parents), and now lives in a house that my parents pay the rent for while he does random jobs (or not). My younger brother is sort of on the same path I was, except he hasn't done great at work and isn't a good saver. My parents lent him money that he doesn't pay back, and now they are giving him a down payment for a house. I just heard they are buying a house for my older brother to live in (they also just bought him a car).

Rationally, I know I'd rather be us on some level - we really are happy and lucky, but also have worked hard for what we have. My siblings seem to be just floating through life taking money from my parents. It's frustrating and every time someone mentions something my parents are paying for, it just seems so unfair and is really starting to irritate me. Again, help me just let this go? Anyone going through anything similar?

It is their money and you do not get a say in what they do with their money. You "like" your parents, how nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, We're on the other side of the situation - Maybe me telling you our perspective might help a little. In my DH's family, we are the poorest. A little background - my DH lost his job about 3 years ago and couldn't find another one. He's taken anything that came along, but we quickly realized with his limited skill set, the money he was making at some of these jobs didn't cover daycare expenses. In other words, we were paying out money for him to work. So, we made the decision to have him stay home. I have a job, but with one income, we are pretty tight on money. We cover our bills, etc. but really don't have much for extras. When something breaks or we have an extra expense, it goes on the credit card and we pray we can pay that off before another unexpected expense comes along. DH also has taken some odd jobs here and there when we've needed extra money. My in-laws are pretty well-off.

His parents paid for a bunch of things for us since we got in this situation. They've paid some bills off, bought us a new car (mercedes, to boot) and several vacations. I have seen the look in his brothers' eyes when they saw us pull up in a very nice car (better car than either of them had) and my DH told them their parents gave it to him. I also see that they are a bit resentful when they see our vacations.

But, as appreciative as we are, it's not all that great. to begin, we had a running car, although it was pretty old (a 1996 oldmobile) and had to have repairs more and more often. My in-laws insisted on getting us a car (it's a lease). I objected for a number of reasons - the biggest is that our olds was paid off and when the lease ends on the new car, we'd have to come up with money for a new car and we're not ready. They persisted and insisted until it happened. Then, they picked the car, make, model, color, and features. We had no say. While it's nice (and I'm certainly not complaining of their generous gift), it's difficult to have no choice in certain things.

The same with vacations. They are all beautiful very nice places, but we don't get to choose. They pick out everything - down to the activities we do. and these are trips that sometimes they'll go with us, but sometimes they won't - they'll just ask about my vacation days and say they want to give us a vacation as a gift. But then, they've scheduled the tours we'd be on, the activities they want us to do (by already paying for the entrance fees, etc.) and our "itinerary."

Finally, since they help us so much (they've helped with bills, groceries, and classes for our kids), they are free to question our spending. If I get a manicure (rarely do I do this, but it's a nice treat and only costs about $15) my MIL will question it, ask if I "needed" that, and can I afford it. And she does that when I get clothes for the kids or me - she insists that I need to tell her when the kids need new clothes so she could buy them for us - but again - she picks out what she likes - I don't get a say. So, I like to buy something for my girl that I like to see her in, even if MIL doesn't like it.

I wanted to share all of this with you to say that while at first, the gifts may seem great, it does hold a certain power over the recipients - your brothers probably don't get to make too many decisions aobut their lives. That's what's happened with us.

Gosh, it must be horrid not to be able to choose for yourself whether to go to St. Tropez or St. Barth's...or whether to get a Mercedes or an Audi.

You might want to mention that to them--maybe they'll stop?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I realize this is a good problem to have, but man it's getting annoying. Can anyone help me just let this go and be happy that we've done well in life?

I have a pretty close family and we all live in the area. I really do like my parents a lot and feel lucky in that regard. My husband and I have two kids in elementary school. We both graduated from college, got masters degrees while working full-time, got married, and then saved like crazy for a down payment for three years before buying our first house. We both kept working and are successful at our jobs (government employees and both make under $100k, but we have enough money to live nicely). Then we saved like crazy some more, bought a second house when we had kids, and kept the first house as a rental. My parents do babysit ocassionally and realy love our kids.

Meanwhile, my older brother got kicked out of his first year at college for failing, tried a whole bunch of random things (all paid for by my parents), and now lives in a house that my parents pay the rent for while he does random jobs (or not). My younger brother is sort of on the same path I was, except he hasn't done great at work and isn't a good saver. My parents lent him money that he doesn't pay back, and now they are giving him a down payment for a house. I just heard they are buying a house for my older brother to live in (they also just bought him a car).

Rationally, I know I'd rather be us on some level - we really are happy and lucky, but also have worked hard for what we have. My siblings seem to be just floating through life taking money from my parents. It's frustrating and every time someone mentions something my parents are paying for, it just seems so unfair and is really starting to irritate me. Again, help me just let this go? Anyone going through anything similar?

It is their money and you do not get a say in what they do with their money. You "like" your parents, how nice.

^ Sibling moocher

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Money screws up families like nothing else.

My rule of thumb is never to think about what someone else is getting from someone else, and never to expect anything for yourself.

+1

You really should not even be aware of what your parents are doing for your brother. Who is telling you - your parents??

[Anonymous]

I think in my family's situation, the most frustrating thing is that the sibling in question continues to make bad decision after bad decision. It would be one thing if he had just fallen on hard times and was struggling because of it (like the sister above with the abusive husband), but he can't make a good decision to save his life. So, more shit just keeps getting thrown on. I honestly think he's been depressed and self-destructive for years, but no one has the balls to intervene, so it just keeps getting worse. And my husband was within weeks of confronting him about why the hell he hadn't moved out of mom and dad's house when we found out he had knocked up some teenager - great, adding a baby makes life easier, right? So, the heart-to-heart we had spent months discussing in our household never happened. And now? Yeah, 2 kids later, there is nothing that can be done - they've all made their beds. My ILs make noise about making him act responsibly, but they never follow up for fear of driving him away. The chance at tough love went out the window as soon as those kids came along. Although we still encourage them to watch their son closely for possible drug use, because we suspect that is happening along with heavy drinking. I wish my IL's would kick his butt out and take control of the kids themselves, because they are the only steady force in their lives.

It really isn't about money for us. We'd rather they not even give us any, knowing what is happening behind the scenes. It's more about responsibility.

[Anonymous]

OP, haven't read all the responses yet so someone may have already said this:

Your parents are enabling your siblings and encouraging them to live a parasitic lifestyle that will not help them grow into mature adults ever. Whatever inclinations your sibs may have had to be responsible have been snuffed out by your parents' willingness to "protect" them from the difficulties of life. What will they do when your parents are gone?

You should be grateful that you managed to escape this dependent existence that your parents have encouraged. I know it doesn't feel fair, but you're really lucky that you can hold your head up and not be obligated to anyone in your family. I respect you, OP!

[Anonymous]

I'm in this situation. I don't mind that my parents help my siblings out more than they help me out. They worked hard for their money and are entitled to do with it what they will. I don't feel I have a claim on a single dime of theirs. I love my sisters dearly and they are struggling and need the help. I don't. I don't know why they can't get their acts together and I can, but that is just the fact. My parents have expressed that they are proud of me and that it helps them sleep at night knowing I am stable and sucessful as it is less for them to worry about. I don't feel that the money means they love my sisters more. It is just a practical response to the problem at hand. Just look at it as them seeing a need and fulfilling it, not as a referendum on who they love most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, We're on the other side of the situation - Maybe me telling you our perspective might help a little. In my DH's family, we are the poorest. A little background - my DH lost his job about 3 years ago and couldn't find another one. He's taken anything that came along, but we quickly realized with his limited skill set, the money he was making at some of these jobs didn't cover daycare expenses. In other words, we were paying out money for him to work. So, we made the decision to have him stay home. I have a job, but with one income, we are pretty tight on money. We cover our bills, etc. but really don't have much for extras. When something breaks or we have an extra expense, it goes on the credit card and we pray we can pay that off before another unexpected expense comes along. DH also has taken some odd jobs here and there when we've needed extra money. My in-laws are pretty well-off.

His parents paid for a bunch of things for us since we got in this situation. They've paid some bills off, bought us a new car (mercedes, to boot) and several vacations. I have seen the look in his brothers' eyes when they saw us pull up in a very nice car (better car than either of them had) and my DH told them their parents gave it to him. I also see that they are a bit resentful when they see our vacations.

But, as appreciative as we are, it's not all that great. to begin, we had a running car, although it was pretty old (a 1996 oldmobile) and had to have repairs more and more often. My in-laws insisted on getting us a car (it's a lease). I objected for a number of reasons - the biggest is that our olds was paid off and when the lease ends on the new car, we'd have to come up with money for a new car and we're not ready. They persisted and insisted until it happened. Then, they picked the car, make, model, color, and features. We had no say. While it's nice (and I'm certainly not complaining of their generous gift), it's difficult to have no choice in certain things.

The same with vacations. They are all beautiful very nice places, but we don't get to choose. They pick out everything - down to the activities we do. and these are trips that sometimes they'll go with us, but sometimes they won't - they'll just ask about my vacation days and say they want to give us a vacation as a gift. But then, they've scheduled the tours we'd be on, the activities they want us to do (by already paying for the entrance fees, etc.) and our "itinerary."

Finally, since they help us so much (they've helped with bills, groceries, and classes for our kids), they are free to question our spending. If I get a manicure (rarely do I do this, but it's a nice treat and only costs about $15) my MIL will question it, ask if I "needed" that, and can I afford it. And she does that when I get clothes for the kids or me - she insists that I need to tell her when the kids need new clothes so she could buy them for us - but again - she picks out what she likes - I don't get a say. So, I like to buy something for my girl that I like to see her in, even if MIL doesn't like it.

I wanted to share all of this with you to say that while at first, the gifts may seem great, it does hold a certain power over the recipients - your brothers probably don't get to make too many decisions aobut their lives. That's what's happened with us.

OP here. Hmmmmmmmmmm really struggling with this post. It does make me feel better about being on the "other side" where no one is questioning if I go get a manicure, etc. So thank you for that. I've got to ask though - why do you say yes to the car and to the vacations? I can see saying yes to the bills and groceries and classes for the kids - all stuff that you I'm sure appreciate the help with and I totally get that sometimes life throws you a curveball through no fault of your own (and that's one of the reasons I feel so lucky to have parents who do have extra money - if something awful were to happen, it's really nice to know that we would always have food and a home).

I have to say though that the new car and the multiple vacations would, as a sibling, drive me bananas, particularly if the same "benefit" wasn't being offered to all siblings. It would severely damage my relationship with the sibling accepting these. And I can see offering your side of the story if your in-laws were buying, I don't know, only Lucky Charms and processed foods and you were upset because you wanted your kids to eat healthier. There's that, but I have to admit I have zero sympathy for your situation where you get to go for free on a nice vacation but don't get to select the itinerary. Ah, really trying to tread lightly because I really would like to hear the other side of the story and I appreciate your perspective. But it's actually kind of making me more irritated to think that maybe my younger brother would be complaining about the house my parents bought him because he really wanted a bungalow and they bought him a colonial or something.

OP, first of all, thank you for treading lightly. As you can probably tell, I got a bit defensive of the attacks. Okay, I guess I didn't articulate my position very well. Clearly I didn't because of the snarky comments and your response. i certainly didn't want to get you more upset - I'll try to explain a bit better.

First, I am not, nor have I ever complained about the generousity of my in-laws. I have appreciated all they have done for us. I'm sorry my original post sounded like complaining - it really really was trying to point out the strings that go with the gifts. All of which I graciously an sincerely accept. I think because I was trying to spell out the downsides of being on the receiving end, it sounded like complaints. I was trying to get across - maybe it's not like your brother can say "M&D, I want this house" and they get it for him. It could be more like "Son, we're getting this house for you. Why did you paint that room yellow? we think it should be white." Maybe that's a poor example, but that's the only thing I was trying to say in hopes of having you feel a little better.

Second - why we accept the vacations? It's a good question. We wouldn't go on any vacations at all without their gifts. My DH's brothers' families go on a couple vacations a year and they go to very nice places. I suppose, we accept them because they are nice gifts and we like going. As shallow as that sounds, they offer - sometimes for us to go with them, other times, it's like "you all need a break. We want you to get some rest. When can you take 5 days off."

The car? Well, that's a whole other situation. It was probably about 6 months of them constantly saying that we need a new car, ours is unsafe. They don't want their grandkids drving in that car. What if it breaks down while they are in the car. and on and on. For everyone judging us, maybe we should have held strong, but we were weak. We (well, more accurately, DH) gave in, and went down with his dad and they got the car.

Again, I'm sorry I made you more irritated. But i do want to ask, if your parents at one point just said, "honey, you work so hard, we got this beach house for the week - we want you and the family to enjoy it." would you say "no thanks." or "I'll go, but you have to do something equal for my brothers." I guess the other point is it's not like they did all this all at once. It would be once in a while, and each time, we are gracious and never expect it again. So, in hindsight it does appear that it's consistent, but at the time (like the vacations) the first time, we thought it was so wonderful and generous and never thought it would happen again. I hope that helps explain a bit.