Please advise...SO upset with DH :(

[Anonymous]

OP - I have a very good reason why your in-laws should not stay with you in the beginning...

Nursing a newborn is hard, time consuming, and painful (for many but not all). Some babies can take close to an hour to nurse in the beginning because they are learning and not very efficient and they are very sleepy so you are constantly trying to keep them awake. Most people can't use a cover with a newborn either because you need to see what they are doing and support them just right and you are learning too. You will literally be actively nursing or trying to nurse between 10 and 12 times a day. If the baby has any nursing issues (which are common) you will also be pumping in addition. That being said you will have your breasts exposed for about 11 hours a day which is almost half of the time.

If they are in your home and it is very small you will be forced to hide in your bedroom for hours upon hours at a time all day and every day unless you are comfortable with your breasts exposed in front of them. If you need to eat the baby will likely be nursing and you will have to eat your meals in your bedroom with a baby on your boob.

For a new mom who is nursing this is a very raw and emotional time. Being locked up in a room away from everyone will make any stress you are feeling worse. Those early days are filled with crying episodes (you and the baby), lots of exposed boob, nipple cream, giant maxi pads, sitz baths, and bathroom difficulty. You really deserve privacy because you will be going through a lot of private stuff.

Maybe your husband does not understand the reality of what you will be going through??? Maybe print this and let him read it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a new(ish) mom, I TOTALLY hear you.

As a mom of boys, though, its a little bit painful/worrisome.

I guess this isn't about me though.

Overall, I think the hotel idea is a great compromise. Or could your ILs stay at your parents' house while they are at yours? It would at least remove any financial concerns related to lodging.

Maybe someone already suggested this but could his parents stay at your parents' house and could you try to survive the night without your mom? That way they aren't in YOUR house 24/7, but still get to come see the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that what is best for mom is ALWAYS what is best for the family (or what's best for Dad, child, etc). But I think in this case, a stressed out mother will probably lead to a stressed out baby and bad situation overall. DH should do all he can to put her at ease and to make the transition after birth smooth and her recovery a comfortable one. I do think that would probably be best for any new family, in general.



And yet, your whole first paragraph is about compromise. Where's the compromise here?

I feel like OP is contributing to the family by HAVING A BABY. I feel like DH should contribute by making that as easy and stress-free as possible for her.

Seems like a good compromise to me. I have three kids; I think DH is getting a good deal.

[Anonymous]

Holy formatting, Batman! WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We vetoed any visitors the first two weeks. BEST DECISION EVER! We got to bond, no drama and so relaxing. Yup I was naked from waist up and bleeding between my legs. There's no way I needed to add MIL or FIL to the drama.

Tell DH his parents should find a hotel.

This! This! This!

OP, you have to put your foot down. Your husband will get over it, once he actually experiences what those first weeks are like. And to be fair, OP, you may send your own mother packing after a day or two, so keep your plans with her flexible.

My husband and I were a united front, but his father and stepmother invited themselves without asking us what we wanted (the other grandparents were all very supportive and accommodating). It fell on my husband's shoulders to tell them not to come for the birth and that we preferred that they come a few weeks later. They got pissed and didn't see their grandchild for over a year. Assholes.

Everyone wants to come and see the baby right away, which isn't necessarily helpful to the new parents. In my case, I needed the most support after my husband went back to work, and I was still on maternity leave. Weeks 6 to 12 were especially challenging, because I had a baby who wanted to be held all the time, and it was difficult just performing every day tasks.

You need to make him understand and respect your wishes. Yes, it's his child, but it's your body and your recovery--both physical and mental. Your opinion counts more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that what is best for mom is ALWAYS what is best for the family (or what's best for Dad, child, etc). But I think in this case, a stressed out mother will probably lead to a stressed out baby and bad situation overall. DH should do all he can to put her at ease and to make the transition after birth smooth and her recovery a comfortable one. I do think that would probably be best for any new family, in general.



And yet, your whole first paragraph is about compromise. Where's the compromise here?

I feel like OP is contributing to the family by HAVING A BABY. I feel like DH should contribute by making that as easy and stress-free as possible for her.

Seems like a good compromise to me. I have three kids; I think DH is getting a good deal.

I think you need to go look up the definition of compromise.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is being completely reasonable. It's a very hard time, and you want your own mom. Her husband isn't the one who is going to have to shove a baby out of his vagina, or if it's a C-section have his abdominal muscles cut, and then have his hormones go insane and, oh, and, have to figure out how to feed a baby with incredibly sore nipples.

For the first couple weeks I spent a lot of time topless, or only wearing those horrible hospital underwear and a gigantor maxi-pad and a nursing bra. I'd had an unplanned C-section, and pants hurt. Personally, I'd have lost my shit entirely if I'd had to deal with my in-laws at all.

[Anonymous]

OP - I don't think you're being dramatic AT ALL. The first week was exhausting and I cannot imagine adding my in-laws or any house guests to the mix. Plus, I was topless quite a bit - or at least braless for much of that time. I was bleeding, had a really rough time with nipple cracking and was letting my nipples air out, and was really tired. Not to mention my family needed time to just be a family unit and bond with the baby.

Your DH is being really inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

OP, all of the things mentioned by everyone are very important considerations, but I am going to throw another issue in the mix.

Tell your husband that his parents CANNOT stay overnight until you are able to poop without crying.

Even if you have an easy birth' odds are good that you will tear or have an episiotomy. If so, your first poop may take days to happen, and will be nearly as painful and scary as childbirth (I have had 2 out of 3 naturally so that is my reference point) Being relaxed helps so, so much with your first few poops, and the odds of you being relaxed under the situation you describe are very low. My suggestion, have everyone sleep away from your house, including your mom and go through those first nights in peace with your new family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, all of the things mentioned by everyone are very important considerations, but I am going to throw another issue in the mix.

Tell your husband that his parents CANNOT stay overnight until you are able to poop without crying.

Even if you have an easy birth' odds are good that you will tear or have an episiotomy. If so, your first poop may take days to happen, and will be nearly as painful and scary as childbirth (I have had 2 out of 3 naturally so that is my reference point) Being relaxed helps so, so much with your first few poops, and the odds of you being relaxed under the situation you describe are very low. My suggestion, have everyone sleep away from your house, including your mom and go through those first nights in peace with your new family.

OP, not PP here. Colace is your friend and will help you avoid the above. Hopefully.

[Anonymous]

I think those who criticize OP are being obtuse about the meaning of compromise. It does not mean splitting two peoples wishes 50-50 down the middle (splitting the baby so to speak!) It means assessing two (or more) persons needs and finding a solution that respects both their (sometimes disparate) needs AND their wishes. It is patently obvious that someone who is recovering physically from some trauma in their home has needs that that to some extent trump other considerations in terms of guests. Really this is a no-brainer on the basic human decency front and the pregnancy/labor thing is just incidental. It would be equally ridiculous if DH was recovering from surgery or just plain ill, and DW was dictating a parental vistation schedule: "Honey, I realize you are vomiting from the flu around the clock, but we must absolutely host my parents for as long as they want - no debate allowed." Ridiculous! In fact the only way that pregnancy/labor is relevant here is that sexist assumption that it is so "natural" and easy and happy that of course a new mom should not only want guests but also want to play hostess as well....

[Anonymous]

OP here...man, if I weren't freaked about BFing before, consider me so now AND the poop factor...great. Hadn't thought of that one.

In all seriousness, I really appreciate all the support. While in a perfect world when I get home tonight, DH will fall upon his knees begging my forgiveness, telling me I can call all the shots in this (while giving me a footrub, a backrub, and cooking dinner), I know that won't happen. However, it really helps to know that I am not over-reacting in this situation, and that most moms who have been through the trenches of the first weeks are backing me up. In truth, neither one of us knows what we're getting into; I guess it could be worse or better than I'm imagining it, but it's bound to be a lot worse than what DH is imagining. I think he sees us coming home from the hospital, hanging out in the family room, eating family meals with his parents, everything hunky dory. This is NOT what I am envisioning. I know already I don't do well with sleep deprivation, and I am a serious control freak, so there will be my own personal issues on top of baby.

I am hoping against hope that he will reconsider the hotel. I'm not sure what we will do if he doesn't. I'm (unfortunately) very stubborn about things, and this is a deal-breaker for me. What some posters have brought up is actually what is bugging me most: he's choosing his parents wishes over mine. If I weren't compromising at all I could see him taking a harder line, but I am willing (although not super-pleased about them just assuming it was fine to come up w/o checking with us first) to have them come and stay in a hotel. I feel like he should have my back on this-when two people get married, their priority and loyalty should be to their spouse, not their parents. Not everyone may feel that way, but I do...and I thought my DH did as well.

I'm still too close to it. I'll repost here after I've talked with him to let you know the next chapter...

[Anonymous]

I think your DH is just not educated about the postpartum phase, he just has no clue on how difficult it is for a woman and he does not know how difficult it is to take care of a newborn. Maybe you could just have him take a class or have him watch a dvd about it or have him talk to friends who have experienced it? or maybe you can get your OB to talk to him about it? Maybe once he undesrtands how tough he is, he will realize that he is being completely unreasonable. Maybe you can get the OB to tell your husband that he recommends no visitors for the first week or so. If your OB is nice he might be willing to do that. Or maybe you can get the pediatrician to say that. When my DS was born, my DH wanted to take him to see his family out of state, which I really did not want to do, thankfully I got the pediatricain to say that it was best not to travel until the baby gets his first shots at 2 months, so DH changed his mind about the trip.

[Anonymous]

Have your in-laws stay at a hotel and your mom stay at home - both can come over during the day to help. Give them tasks when they come over...meals, laundry, cleaning. You don't need someone to stay the night with you, you are going to get up every time the baby wakes up the first week anyways and assuming your husband is helpful, you already have two adults there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize, but you are being a little dramatic. This is as much your husband's baby as yours, and the baby is as much your in-laws' grandchild as your own parents'. That said, you have a right to have your own mother stay at your house, if you want--absolutely, especially after you have been through the physical rigors of childbirth. But I think you need to dial down the emotion and reach a reasonable solution that pleases both yourself and your husband. Don't alienate or punish your in-laws because they "moved out of the area"--that's petty. Perhaps a compromise would be your mother and mother in-law staying with you, and your father-in-law staying with your father at your parents' house? Your husband obviously wants his parents there, and you need to understand and respect that. You will have many stresses and battles in the future about parenting, grandparents' boundaries, etc etc; don't set a tone of unreasonableness now.

Totally disagree with this poster. You are not being unreasonable at all. This PP just hasn't thought things through. OP, yes this is as much your husband's baby as it is yours. Here's the distinction here though: You are the one giving birth and undergoing the difficulties after child birth and, therefore, you have the right to bring in anyone who YOU feel would be beneficial to you at your vulnerable time.

Put your foot down or tell him YOU are going to your parents home for a couple of weeks or so. May sound harsh but he's not being supportive of you so you need to be firm here. Take care of your needs first. He needs to learn how to respect the needs of a woman who has just given birth.