Feeling conflicted about my mommy track "career"

[Anonymous]

PP, you don't need your income to save for retirement and college?

Can you lose those 15 pounds and have more sex whether or not you SAH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"When I start to get really upset about my situation, I think about my mom's career. Her career didn't really take off until I was in late high school/college. She's incredibly successful now, but she had to wait until her family commitments (she was a single mom) let up a bit before she could really pursue all of her career options. "

But this doesn't work for a lot of moms in the DC area in 2011. When you're still having kids in your mid to late 30s, there isn't much time left to try to restart a career after they're grown up.

Yep - it's a different time now. Also many moms have grad degrees and work experience when they have kids, so it is very different than my mom, who left her entry level career after one year to have her first child. When she went back to work 15 years later (in her late 30s, about the same age I had my second), she was fine starting from the ground level again. It's harder to leave in your 30s at a fairly high level and then expect to find something in your mid to late 40s or even 50s. I'm sure it's a huge reason why so many moms stay in the workforce (the other huge reason being FINANCES and how things are also different for families now vs. the 1970s and 1980s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, you don't need your income to save for retirement and college?

Can you lose those 15 pounds and have more sex whether or not you SAH?

No, not really (answering question number 1).

Second, it's a lot harder when you're working 40 hours a week. I'm much more tired, and simply don't have the hour a day to go to the gym or cook as much as I'd like (versus takeout).

[Anonymous]

PP, I work 45 to 50 hours a week and am working to get those 15 pounds off also. My solution is to find a gym I can use on my lunch hour. Sometimes I get up half an hour early, but that's hard

As to cooking, I cook 3 entrees on Sunday night, one of them, like spaghetti, enough for two dinners. Then I just whip up a salad or steam some veggies. The key is planning and organization. We do takeout once or twice a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you don't need your income to save for retirement and college?

Can you lose those 15 pounds and have more sex whether or not you SAH?

No, not really (answering question number 1).

Second, it's a lot harder when you're working 40 hours a week. I'm much more tired, and simply don't have the hour a day to go to the gym or cook as much as I'd like (versus takeout).

I don't mean to gang up on you, but I really hate it when people equate going to the gym with the only way to move their body, and imply that you have to devote hours to preparing healthy meals. I rarely eat food that has not been prepared by me or my husband (or my mom) and we eat very healthy, home cooked foods. It does take planning, but it is very doable. It does help if DH is on board and can help. I grew up with a SAHM who HATED cooking in the late afternoon/evening - she would plan ahead and prep food at other times, for many meals, and we ate healthy, home cooked meals every night. So that was a great model for me on how to plan and prep ahead so evenings aren't rushed and the temptation to just grab something quick is not there. She stayed home, but my dad didn't lift a finger, I work, but DH is a great partner.

If you look into it you really can start meal-planning and have it be very easy and healthy. And you don't need an hour of gym time to exercise. Sneakers can take you a long way - and you can do a ton in your own home.

I really didn't mean to single you out but I hate that there is that belief or thought process out there. I will say it is easier to eat healthy if you are not watching every penny, so I feel for people who live in low-income areas without access to grocery stores, etc. and not having enough money to buy a lot of the extras I love to buy. But otherwise, time shouldn't be a factor!

That said, if you think your life will be better balanced by working less or staying home, and you can afford it and are not worried about long term implications like re-entering the workforce, then you are lucky to have that choice and sounds like you should act on it! I would hate to have to drag myself to a boring job every day. Best of luck with whatever you decide!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you don't need your income to save for retirement and college?

Can you lose those 15 pounds and have more sex whether or not you SAH?

No, not really (answering question number 1).

Second, it's a lot harder when you're working 40 hours a week. I'm much more tired, and simply don't have the hour a day to go to the gym or cook as much as I'd like (versus takeout).

I don't mean to gang up on you, but I really hate it when people equate going to the gym with the only way to move their body, and imply that you have to devote hours to preparing healthy meals. I rarely eat food that has not been prepared by me or my husband (or my mom) and we eat very healthy, home cooked foods. It does take planning, but it is very doable. It does help if DH is on board and can help. I grew up with a SAHM who HATED cooking in the late afternoon/evening - she would plan ahead and prep food at other times, for many meals, and we ate healthy, home cooked meals every night. So that was a great model for me on how to plan and prep ahead so evenings aren't rushed and the temptation to just grab something quick is not there. She stayed home, but my dad didn't lift a finger, I work, but DH is a great partner.

If you look into it you really can start meal-planning and have it be very easy and healthy. And you don't need an hour of gym time to exercise. Sneakers can take you a long way - and you can do a ton in your own home.

I really didn't mean to single you out but I hate that there is that belief or thought process out there. I will say it is easier to eat healthy if you are not watching every penny, so I feel for people who live in low-income areas without access to grocery stores, etc. and not having enough money to buy a lot of the extras I love to buy. But otherwise, time shouldn't be a factor!

That said, if you think your life will be better balanced by working less or staying home, and you can afford it and are not worried about long term implications like re-entering the workforce, then you are lucky to have that choice and sounds like you should act on it! I would hate to have to drag myself to a boring job every day. Best of luck with whatever you decide!

I hear you, but exactly when do you do this planning and prepping? I don't relish the thought of getting up any earlier than I need to so I can prep that night's dinner, and once hte kids are in bed I usually have to hop on my laptop, or if I'm lucky, spend an hour with my husband. When I walk in the door at 6 pm, my kiddos are hungry, and I have half an hour maximum to get dinner on the table. I guess what I was trying to say is that I'm not superwoman -- I don't have it in me to get up at 5 am, exercise, prep that night's dinner, get everyone ready to get out the door, work an 8 hour day, spend quality time with the kids, and go back to work (via laptop) from 8 to 10 pm. As a PP said, you can't "do it all".

[Anonymous]

PP, cook two or three dinner entrees at one night, preferably Sunday night. I don't spend more than 30 minutes getting dinner on the table any week night.

[Anonymous]

If I were OP, I would start my own firm. Specializing in an area of law that most interests me. My personal dream would be to become a divorce lawyer and represent women in need whose husbands were total sh*t heads. Make your own hours. Choose your clients. Go on those field trips. And don't feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

I think the difference is PP, I don't work 8-10 on the laptop. That said, even if I did, I would have to eat healthy or I couldn't do it - I need healthy food to fuel me.

DH and I take turns or work together - have a bunch of recipes that they take 20 minutes of prep on the weekend - we hang out and talk or have a glass of wine while doing it, or one of us does it while the other plays with DD. We also do crock pot on saturday or sunday and make a big batch of something, also do tomato sauce for pasta, etc. And I like to make flax seed muffins for snacks and breakfast.

The rest of the time we do quick things like bake chicken and serve with steamed veggies or salad. Nothing wrong with some good cheese and good bread and making a grill cheese with veggies some nights. A quick stir fry takes 20 minutes that night, etc.

I pack a ton of snacks for the work day - the same type of thing I pack my daughter for daycare - hummus and peppers/wheat wraps, string cheese, greek yogurt with granola, almond butter and bread, fruit, veggie wraps, etc.

[Anonymous]

Career housewives need to stay off this thread.

[Anonymous]

I'm reminded of the Facebook video that was making the rounds a few weeks ago why there are so few mothers and women at a high level in different organizations. A career that you've 'mommy tracked' is much easier to give up to stay home than one you love. For me? With a mother who was fired for being pregnant, and then found herself unexpectedly pregnant with #2, then whisked around on the whim of her partner's career - she never got that career back, and she really hated it. She worked nights and weekends with kids 3 and 4, and we all turned out fine, except her desire for a more fulfilling career infected me with my strong desire to keep mine. I can only hope it will work out (since I've done everything I can, but am only pregnant with #1 - and please god, don't hijack this thread and tell me 'you'll seeeeeeee!!!) - I have an equal partner, I am still applying for new and challenging opportunities, and I do work at a relatively family friendly place. I haven't 'made room' for the kid - it will make room for itself, I'm sure, and I do sit at the table and speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reminded of the Facebook video that was making the rounds a few weeks ago why there are so few mothers and women at a high level in different organizations. A career that you've 'mommy tracked' is much easier to give up to stay home than one you love. For me? With a mother who was fired for being pregnant, and then found herself unexpectedly pregnant with #2, then whisked around on the whim of her partner's career - she never got that career back, and she really hated it. She worked nights and weekends with kids 3 and 4, and we all turned out fine, except her desire for a more fulfilling career infected me with my strong desire to keep mine. I can only hope it will work out (since I've done everything I can, but am only pregnant with #1 - and please god, don't hijack this thread and tell me 'you'll seeeeeeee!!!) - I have an equal partner, I am still applying for new and challenging opportunities, and I do work at a relatively family friendly place. I haven't 'made room' for the kid - it will make room for itself, I'm sure, and I do sit at the table and speak up.

Reading back- let me underline that I don't want to sound judgmental - I truly do believe that a woman is more apt to opt out of the workforce from a rote or mundane job that she's chosen to 'mommy-track' - that isn't judgment, just an observation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a working mom who's considering quitting and staying home in the next few months.

Part of the reason I'm considering it so strongly is because I am so bored at my job. If I did not have children, I have no doubt I would be at a more interesting and fulfilling job (one with much longer hours, of course). I've chosen not to go that route because I've done that math, and boring job + time with kids makes me more happy than fantastic job + less time with kids. But since we could afford for me to stay home, and I get zero fulfillment out of my working day (versus the fulfillment I do get out of spending time with the kids), I'm wondering why stay on this boring mommy track any longer?

The other issue I'd like to throw into the mix is the time for personal interests, your marriage, and friendships. I work 40 hours a week and see my kids a lot and I think I do a pretty good job of balancing those things. But I don't have as much time or energy to cook, to exercise, to read, to have sex, and to have friends. Those things are secondary to my kids and work right now, of course, but I do wonder, when the kids are older and my job is still dullsville, will I be happy in my 15 pounds overweight, undersexed, friendless existence?

I think the answer is a society-wide agreement that NO ONE will work more than 40 hours a week. We'd lower the unemployment rate and I dare say EVERYONE'S lives would be better off!!

Everyone has focused on the PPs lack of cooking and exercise while I think friends, sex (eg physical intimacy with your partner), reading (what happened to this amazing luxury??) are huge issues. They certainly are for me. I manage to work out a few times a week at the crack of dawn and cook good food, but I have virtually no good friends in DC now and my husband and I, while very close, have certainly become more 'partners' than I would like.

So how do we women deal with this? I supplement my friendships with colleagues from work who are people I like, but it isn't the same thing. I am starved for the intimate girly friendships I had in college and in my 20s before kids dominated my life. I think PP was very insightful here. Screw cooking and exercise, let's get to the heart of the matter.

[Anonymous]

PP, join a church or religious organization. That's how I found close girlfriends. And DH and I now have sex in the am - we're too busy or tired at night a lot, so this is our compromise. And I often read for half an hour before bed.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I just had a vision of myself in 5 years. I'm home on maternity right now and contemplating SAH for a few years. I worry about exactly this. I've accomplished a lot in my career to date, which is already constrained by the adjustments I've made to accommodate our family life (we have 2 kids). I've already severely cut back travel, and I don't work 50-60 hrs a week anymore- I adhere pretty strictly to my office's 35 hr work week. And I've seen my trajectory slow down. I Am happy with my circumstances, but worry about how hard it will be in 5-10 years to ramp back up...especially if my hUsband gets a CEO job as he aspires to do...