Feeling conflicted about my mommy track "career"

[Anonymous]

I worked hard in high school, worked hard in college, worked hard in grad school. In my 20s I worked 70 hour weeks, travelled incessantly for work, and enjoyed nearly every minute. I couldn't imagine NOT being completely committed to my career and all I wanted to achieve. I used to get headhunter calls at least a couple times a month.

I tried Part Time after the arrival of DC2, but my employer, my clients and I never adjusted. They wanted me available 24/7 just like before, and I'd never said "no" before and didn't know how to start, and so I quit and went SAHM. Several years later, my kids are in school all day, and although I feel lucky to have gone right back to my former industry, I now have a job as a middle manager with a fraction of the responsibility and opportunity I was once on track to achieve. Essentially, I reentered the workforce possibly slightly behind the "level" I left. I'm not saying that is unfair--it seems ok to me. I don't get headhunter calls ever.

I loved being home and feel really lucky that my husband was ok with me taking the SAHM time. As I said, I feel lucky to have a job at all--I was out almost 5 years. My former colleagues, who managed to stay in the workforce FT during the years I was away, are many, many levels above me in the org chart, and have portfolios of successes that they racked up at the "up and comer" level. Many of these former peers are in the uppermost echelons of the firm. Meanwhile I feel like it will be years before I will even get close to getting promoted. Not only don't I rack up lots of extra hours, when I'm being honest with myself, I don't want that level of responsibility. What is hard is feeling that I let my younger self down, and that I'm not even "relevant" to my own career.

Has anyone else gone through this? Why can't I just feel happy to have a paycheck and a place where I have enough good will (from my pre-kid glory days) that they allow me a flexible schedule?

[Anonymous]

curious for responses. I could have written your post.

[Anonymous]

ME TOO! I was just having this discussion with a colleague this morning. Sometimes I think that if I am not a superstar, I should just LEAVE ALREADY because it hurts my pride to have my former peers outrank me. On the other hand, I should stay put - generous salary, good schedule, freedom to attend all kid events and take time off at will, lots of other stagnant mommy-tracked people so it's not like I am the only one.
But still, i am a shadow of my former go-getter self..............

[Anonymous]

The grass is always greener I think. When you were young weren't your goals much different? Now that you have children, your priorities and goals are probably re-arranged, as they should be. And you have experiences with raising your children that many working moms would have given their right arm for.

I believe that you are a sum total of what you have done in your life. Switching up your experiences is good for the soul. Be happy that you got to break up the monotony of being a full-time working mom.

I tried working after DS1 was born, but it just didn't work out very well. I took "early retirement" from my old career to become a career mom. And boy, there are times that I'd have given my right arm to be working instead.

I have no advice for you here. I just want to tell you that it is understandable that you feel the way you do. You obviously had strong feelings about staying home with your children when they were born. Be happy for those glorious years.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP, and it sucks. Most days I am at peace with this, but other days I have to swallow my pride and keep telling myself "mama's gotta do what mama's gotta do." I find it best not to dwell on it, but rather to just accept that it is lousy and then put my head down and do my work and take care of my kids. Forge ahead, life ain't fair, but you are putting food on the table and taking care of business, so good enough.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I mommy-tracked myself. his is what I call it. I didn't take time out, but after achieving senior level responsibility and positions, initially with my first, I moved to a new city and was hit hard with a job at the level I was accustomed but I couldn't pull off the hours they wanted. I just couldn't do it or I wouldn't do it. So I quit when 6 months pregnant with my second and started a new career when he was 6 months old and found myself surrounded with colleagues 10 years younger in the same position.

I don't regret it. I love to work, want a career, and landed in a place where my age and experience although in an entirely different field, is appreciated. I also lucked into a great work place with great people which is much more valuable to me post kids. But some days when I am passed over to speak at a conference or to be the point person bc of my title, it really hurts. On the positive side, people often think I am as young as my colleagues who are 10 years younger!

And now almost 3 years later I have done incredibly well at my new career . I have risen up in the ranks and although not management, i do garner more professional respect than my young peers. And I am able to leave work at 5:00 most days to pick up the kids from school.

I actually think these choices are by far the most difficult we women face. Regardless we feel guilty for whatever choices we make. We do it to ourselves, but it is so hard. I love being a mom, but I also love being a professional and having an identity other than 'mom.'

We were raised to believe we could do anything, be anything. That is true, but 'having it all' comes at a price. Something has to give. There is no doubt in my mind that as a society we could do better, but we have a long way to go.

[Anonymous]

I'm interested in this thread.

I'm in a slightly different place, but the sentiment is similar. I was very go-go-go. Now I work for a non-profit, have a lot of sick time and leave time which has come in very very handy for covering for sick child, and I don't have to work long hours, next to no travel, and unfortunately I am bored out of my skull. No challenge. No where to move up.

I am actually thinking about reducing my work to 80% and going back to school so I can get a big promotion, at a much higher level, high enough that I could afford a nanny which might help out with house duties, which might mean I spend the same amount of time with my kids. Maybe that's ridiculous. I'm torn. I don't want to miss my little ones growing up. They give me such pleasure. I just get so bored after I'm in the office about an hour... It's really mind numbing to me, to do the same thing, over and over.

BTW: I have also started making myself do one networking thing each week. My new year's resolution. I joined our professional society and go to roundtable discussions, have lunch with former colleagues, and am thinking about asking my friends for names of people I could information interview. I figure it's one another to see if there's someway out of my deadend job.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way, OP, except I work part-time in a job that is not on track to get me anywhere near where I would be if I could put in full-time hours. For me it's a decision I make on a day by day basis, but for you it's in the past, and your reality is now so of course you're going to look back and think maybe you should have done something differently. It's like saying I should have learned Spanish or I should have saved more money--you want to reap the benefits now, but you had valid reasons for the choices you made back then.

For me, I realize on a daily basis that I can't have my cake and eat it too. There is NO. POSSIBLE. WAY. that I can be the kind of mom I want to be and have the kind of career I want to have. For me the choice is a no-brainer. I'm lucky to have a part-time position that allows me to stay in my field, but if I didn't I would absolutely stay at home rather than go back to the kind of career-driven lifestyle I had before. I can tell you as someone who is IN IT RIGHT NOW rather than past it that it's totally 100% worth it. No knock on the many wonderful moms who work full-time, but as someone who has made a similar choice to you I can promise you it is not a waste. These are very tough choices for everyone but once you have made them you have to find a way to be proud of the job you've done with whatever you've chosen to focus on.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, 20:03 for the thoughtful post. I also could not have been the mom I wanted to be and be the lawyer I was on track to be. I am lucky to have part time work. Are your kids teenagers yet? Mine are so ungrateful that I stayed home. Hope they appreciate me when they are older.

[Anonymous]

I never left the career world to be a SAHM, I did go reduced hours for a few hours and now, work 40-45 hours and am home by 6. I don't travel but maybe one short trip a year.

So yes, a little on the mommy track. I guess I've made peace with it for now. I was hesitant to have kids in the first place because I just couldn't imagine working and having them...and I never got that urge. But then I started thinking about it more and more and we started to try and boom. I don't really have any answers. I'm thankful to have a reasonable job that I like, and of course INCREDIBLY thankful for my family, and I guess I don't think much about what could have been.

I'm only 35 though, this may get harder as I get older and progress in my career. I suspect it will.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, it isn;t true that you can have everything.

[Anonymous]

Me too, but in a slightly different context. Left BIGlaw as I saw my male counterparts (who were not as smart but had SAH wives so they could bill crazy hours) make partner. Sometimes I think wistfully about what-might-have-been and should-I-have-stayed? I also have a tinge of jealousy at seeing them achieve great monetary success (while I left to join a federal agency). But then I remember how much more time I get to spend with my kids, etc. But sometimes it still is a little hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, it isn;t true that you can have everything.

I think people need to manage their expectations. You CAN have a meaningful career that you value and be a mom. You might not be able to go for the exact position you want and be the kind of mom you want at the same time, and most of us choose the mom part so make sacrifices in the career. I think the problem is people compare themselves to others and that is when they will fall short. I work with a single, childless woman who is three tiers higher than me and probably makes 3x my salary. But I remind myself she doesn't have my child and my husband.

Try to remember the things you value about your career and if you can't think of many, think about how you can make changes. I love the work I do, I love the people I work with. I love my office, my work clothes, even my blackberry! If I was higher up I would deal with more politics, more pointless meetings, and I would have to delegate some of the trench work I love. So for me, I'm cool. It's a change in perspective.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for reminding us of all the perks, 20:52 - it's so easy to focus on the downsides and forget all that we gain.

But I have to agree I feel a lot like PP. I am changing jobs with the same employer to take on a less intense position that will really be 40 hours/week and no blackberry, travel or other commitments. I know it's the right choice for me and my family, but one of my colleagues told me my new job is a "waste" of my talent. Others can't understand why I didn't take the management track and just get a nanny. It's nice that folks think I can make it at the next level, but also disappointing that they so quickly dismiss wanted to spend time with my family and decide I'm on the mommy track.

And don't even get me started on all the folks who just assumed that it was impossible for me to work 40 hours/week in their super important offices. So many of them mocked me for even asking about working hours.

What do they think moms are supposed to do about child care? I can leave my kids with strangers most of the day - but have to go and pick them up at 6! Why is my workplace only appropriate for men with SAH wives and single women? You've got to be kidding me!!

Thanks for posting OP - I really needed to vent! Now will reread 20:52 to get me relaxed again.

[Anonymous]

I am there too. Had a great position--interesting work, good amount of travel, high job satisfaction. After the second, I am with the same employer in a 32-hour/week position that is mind-numbingly boring. I am back from maternity leave for about 6 months now and feel as if I have accomplished very little. I was considering asking if IT could block access to certain websites that I spend way too much time on! I love having my day off, but I was valedictorian of my law school class and very eager to succeed. When I tell people I have taken this postion, most are surprised I would. One even asked if I took it voluntarily?! I do have to remember that this gives me more time with my kids, which I love. But most days I question myself, even though I know I could never go back to the long hours and travel I had before. Thanks for posting, OP.