Feeling conflicted about my mommy track "career"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was no way I was going to sacrifice my kids for a career.

Right. Much easier to sacrifice your career - especially when you can rely on your husband to pay the bills and foot your retirement, all while looking down your nose at those who earn a living. Score! (And good role model for your daughters, too - find a guy who can support you.)

[Anonymous]

THIS is why I read DCUM. This thread is awesome.

So many cool, smart women writing here. Go dc moms!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Working when your kids are little is an investment in your family's future.

Okay, but, every other month a new piece of peer-reviewed research comes out adding even more data to the large body of evidence showing that the most important years for cognitive growth are 0-3, or 0-5 depending on the parameters. This is a fact, and it's not in dispute.

Can we just stipulate that the vast majority of working moms do not have Mary Poppins as the nanny? I've spent enough time on the playgrounds of 20015, 20815, and 20016 to know better. Not to mention the Starbucks, the Whole Foods and the post office. I've Seen Your Nanny, as they say. And she's not, typically, anyone I'd want in charge of the vast majority of my kids' waking hours from 0-3 year of age. Does she keep them from choking to death? Check. Is she as an amazing teacher as, oh, me? Hmm-mm. No.

Add 20007 to the mix. No, your child won't die, or even have a minor accident in his/her first five years while under your nanny's care. But when you wonder why your child is late to speak, gets a mediocre score on the WPPSI, doesn't seem to express his/her feelings appropriately like other peers, and can't read like his/her peers, you'll know why: your nanny NEVER, ever speaks to your child when you're not around, much less reads to him/her. It's benign neglect at best, and your SAHM friends will never dare say a word to you because of course your nanny is so wonderful and "like family to you."

Oh, and if you have two children, you better believe your nanny starts ignoring the older one from the day the younger one is born.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. This started off as a great thread and stayed on course for the first three pages or so... Sad to see it go down the WOHM and SAHM drain... Move along, folks... nothing to see here anymore...

[Anonymous]

Why are SAHMs posting on this thread about staying home? I mean, fine if you want to post about your past experience on the mommy track or why you quit work but these comments aren't adding to the discussion at all - they are just bashing working moms and being very sanctimonious. I too thought it was a good discussion before it took this turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I posted on page one of this post about being in a mindnumbingly dull job, but doing it to be able to enjoy being a mom. That was back on page 1, like two days ago. I come back to the thread tonight and I'm seriously thinking "WTF?"

How did a thread that was completely supportive of working moms become santimonious SAHM's thread about how virtuous and wonderful these SAHMs feel?

Really those SAH "mommies" can't find their own thread to pat themselves on the back?

Another reason to WOH - external validation..........

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Working when your kids are little is an investment in your family's future.

Okay, but, every other month a new piece of peer-reviewed research comes out adding even more data to the large body of evidence showing that the most important years for cognitive growth are 0-3, or 0-5 depending on the parameters. This is a fact, and it's not in dispute.

Can we just stipulate that the vast majority of working moms do not have Mary Poppins as the nanny? I've spent enough time on the playgrounds of 20015, 20815, and 20016 to know better. Not to mention the Starbucks, the Whole Foods and the post office. I've Seen Your Nanny, as they say. And she's not, typically, anyone I'd want in charge of the vast majority of my kids' waking hours from 0-3 year of age. Does she keep them from choking to death? Check. Is she as an amazing teacher as, oh, me? Hmm-mm. No.

When you're 50 and I'm 50, is it going to matter anymore that I WOH and you SAH?

[Anonymous]

"Add 20007 to the mix. No, your child won't die, or even have a minor accident in his/her first five years while under your nanny's care. But when you wonder why your child is late to speak, gets a mediocre score on the WPPSI, doesn't seem to express his/her feelings appropriately like other peers, and can't read like his/her peers, you'll know why: your nanny NEVER, ever speaks to your child when you're not around, much less reads to him/her. It's benign neglect at best, and your SAHM friends will never dare say a word to you because of course your nanny is so wonderful and "like family to you." "

ROLFMAO. My children, all boys, spoke around 11 months. The SAHM down the street ignored the speech problems two of her three kids were having, and the vision problems one of the kids was having, until it was fairly late. My children are all in the AAP program in Fairfax County. They are quite mature for their age and have loads of friends. They are comfortable with peers and adults.

Feel free to continue to delude yourself that children with issues have those issues because they have working moms, and that no children of SAHMs have issues. Sorry you are so viciously opposed to some moms being able to success in the workplace and at home.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way, OP. I worked my way up pretty high in my organization and was making good money for my field. Moved. Took 10 months off. Got a job making half of what I was previously making and the job is pretty much entry level. I get really upset sometimes when I think about where I am professionally, as my career was always so important to me. However, I really can't go back to the demands that I had previously. My husband travels Monday through Friday every week and makes about four times what I make right now. His job MUST come first, as we couldn't even begin to pay our bills on my salary. I've looked at other jobs that I'm qualified and probably pretty competitive for, but I can't possibly do nights and weekends without getting extra childcare help.

When I start to get really upset about my situation, I think about my mom's career. Her career didn't really take off until I was in late high school/college. She's incredibly successful now, but she had to wait until her family commitments (she was a single mom) let up a bit before she could really pursue all of her career options.

[Anonymous]

Why are SAHMs posting on this thread about staying home? I mean, fine if you want to post about your past experience on the mommy track or why you quit work but these comments aren't adding to the discussion at all - they are just bashing working moms and being very sanctimonious.

You're right, and I am sorry that I probably contributed to the sanctimonious feel that appeared here. What I should've said instead, is -- I am now on a Mommy Track precisely -because- I took several years off to SAH with my young children. Because I did that (for reasons I stand by, re: nannies who stink but fool Mom/Dad), I will never again be on the Power Track. Even if I WANT to be on Power Track and work 60 hrs. a week and travel, the option will no longer be available to me due to my long absence from paid work.

I am stuck in rote work purgatory. OTOH, I do feel very good about the care my children received, by me, from ages 0-5. I do believe it was superior (and if that makes me sanctimonious, OK then). Now I am paying the professional price. Which is why I'm on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why are SAHMs posting on this thread about staying home? I mean, fine if you want to post about your past experience on the mommy track or why you quit work but these comments aren't adding to the discussion at all - they are just bashing working moms and being very sanctimonious.

You're right, and I am sorry that I probably contributed to the sanctimonious feel that appeared here. What I should've said instead, is -- I am now on a Mommy Track precisely -because- I took several years off to SAH with my young children. Because I did that (for reasons I stand by, re: nannies who stink but fool Mom/Dad), I will never again be on the Power Track. Even if I WANT to be on Power Track and work 60 hrs. a week and travel, the option will no longer be available to me due to my long absence from paid work.

I am stuck in rote work purgatory. OTOH, I do feel very good about the care my children received, by me, from ages 0-5. I do believe it was superior (and if that makes me sanctimonious, OK then). Now I am paying the professional price. Which is why I'm on this thread.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. My nanny was far from perfect, but yet having her enabled both my spouse and me to pursue our careers. Now they're all in school full day, and I'm lucky enough to have escaped rote work purgatory. Not all nannies stink, and the solution to nannies who do stink is not always for Mom to SAH.

[Anonymous]

"When I start to get really upset about my situation, I think about my mom's career. Her career didn't really take off until I was in late high school/college. She's incredibly successful now, but she had to wait until her family commitments (she was a single mom) let up a bit before she could really pursue all of her career options. "

But this doesn't work for a lot of moms in the DC area in 2011. When you're still having kids in your mid to late 30s, there isn't much time left to try to restart a career after they're grown up.

[Anonymous]

I thought this was one of the most sane DCUM threads ever until people couldn't resist bragging about being SAHMs. I'm a live and let live person. I've always worked because I came from a really poor huge family and I get great validation off making money. If you want something different -- I'm cool with that.

I think it's just really sad we're still having this gulity mom discussion in the 21st century. Why don't men worry about all of this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why are SAHMs posting on this thread about staying home? I mean, fine if you want to post about your past experience on the mommy track or why you quit work but these comments aren't adding to the discussion at all - they are just bashing working moms and being very sanctimonious.

You're right, and I am sorry that I probably contributed to the sanctimonious feel that appeared here. What I should've said instead, is -- I am now on a Mommy Track precisely -because- I took several years off to SAH with my young children. Because I did that (for reasons I stand by, re: nannies who stink but fool Mom/Dad), I will never again be on the Power Track. Even if I WANT to be on Power Track and work 60 hrs. a week and travel, the option will no longer be available to me due to my long absence from paid work.

I am stuck in rote work purgatory. OTOH, I do feel very good about the care my children received, by me, from ages 0-5. I do believe it was superior (and if that makes me sanctimonious, OK then). Now I am paying the professional price. Which is why I'm on this thread.

Okay, but really no reason to nanny bash. BTW I have never had a nanny nor have many working moms I know. When you offtrack the discussion so severely by nanny-bashing, it is annoying because it makes your motive for being on the thread seem off. It is also really condescending that you give no credit to moms for being able to discern if their child care situations is working. My husband and I are not morons - we can see if our child is thriving. We have daycare at work, volunteer in the classroom and have been really happy. Not to mention my 2.5 year old can't wait to go there and talks about her friends and providers all the time, and runs in their arms every morning.

I'm sure there is poor quality care out there but please, let's give parents some credit. If you want to start an "I saw your nanny" thread, there boards for that here.

[Anonymous]

I'm a working mom who's considering quitting and staying home in the next few months.

Part of the reason I'm considering it so strongly is because I am so bored at my job. If I did not have children, I have no doubt I would be at a more interesting and fulfilling job (one with much longer hours, of course). I've chosen not to go that route because I've done that math, and boring job + time with kids makes me more happy than fantastic job + less time with kids. But since we could afford for me to stay home, and I get zero fulfillment out of my working day (versus the fulfillment I do get out of spending time with the kids), I'm wondering why stay on this boring mommy track any longer?

The other issue I'd like to throw into the mix is the time for personal interests, your marriage, and friendships. I work 40 hours a week and see my kids a lot and I think I do a pretty good job of balancing those things. But I don't have as much time or energy to cook, to exercise, to read, to have sex, and to have friends. Those things are secondary to my kids and work right now, of course, but I do wonder, when the kids are older and my job is still dullsville, will I be happy in my 15 pounds overweight, undersexed, friendless existence?

I think the answer is a society-wide agreement that NO ONE will work more than 40 hours a week. We'd lower the unemployment rate and I dare say EVERYONE'S lives would be better off!!