Feeling conflicted about my mommy track "career"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone here once put it very succinctly, and it's something that comforts me when I start to get a little weepy about my own mommy-tracked career:

You are not going to lie on your deathbed saying "Gee, I wish I'd spent more time at the office."

Not as simple as that. The more time I put in with work, the more I publish. Intellectually, it is very satisfying.

And the more time you put in with your family . . . ?

I'm the PP with the italicized quotes, above. If I'm on my deathbed, yeah, sure I'll be wishing I spent more time with my family, too (and I only work 35 hours/week). But I'll also be grateful for all those hours I put towards my work (medical research). I'll probably also be wishing I traveled more, ate more cheesecake, and had more sex. I hope I'll be grateful for balancing it all the best I could.

Appreciating your honesty and touch of humor, but many parents (not necessarily you with a 35 hour work week) really need to think about their priorities. There are a lot of hurting children in our schools. Even innocent comments like this one from a ten year old boy, "My favorite thing to do is go shopping at the mall." Why? "Because it's about the only time I get to be with my mom."

[Anonymous]

I relate very much to what people have said in this thread but I always find it disturbing that in this day and age we still see this problem as one that a) only women have to deal with and b) that requires personal solutions rather than broad social change.

The reality is that it always took work to raise a family and when one person handles all the family "work" it allows another person to shine at the paid work outside the home. Now that many of us are trying to do the paid work and still manage the family work, we tend to just see it as our "lot" in life to manage this.

But there is no natural law about what is required to be a star at one's career. As a society we've chosen certain standards (60-80 hour work week, freedom to travel) but those standards were developed in a time when it was typical for middle-class women to handle all the family work at the cost of a paid career. And as long as we see it as a personal problem requiring individual maneuvering to accommodate job and family demands, well, it's not going to change.

To get an idea of what I'm talking about, those of us who are older can remember a time when a diagnosis of breast cancer was embarrassing and something one didn't talk about. Now there's a whole movement calling for a cure for cancer and for better treatment for survivors. People wear pink ribbons and participate in races and help each other. If you remember the earlier time, you would have had a hard time envisaging the current state of affairs. I think it's the same for us regarding work and family.

I don't know what the solution is. And personally I'm pretty bad about living this mentality myself. My career has stalled for family-related reasons as well and a lot of times I feel like I've failed. But I try to remember that it doesn't have to be that way and I'm not the one who has failed.

Hang in there, OP. You're not alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason I became a sahm is because I felt like I wasn't doing a proper job no matter where I was or what I was doing. I couldn't every find a 'good place'. So, I ended up deciding that I had to pick one...go gung ho back into my career and shoot for the stars (at dh's expense, really, but his job is more flexible anyway) or stay home and truly devote my time to being a mom. I was SOO tempted to go for it. DH was willing. We had a good nanny. But in the end, I decided that I would rather regret not being satisfied with my career than not being satisfied with the job I did as a mom. And I felt like it was a more 'reverisble" decision to leave my career (not really, but sort of) but my kids are growing up NOW and aren't waiting for me to get my shit together. If I made the wrong choice, I would lose the chance to be with my kids when they were young. I'm still missing my career but I've found other intellectually stimulating stuff to do now that I'm home. While my career will never be the same, there will always be 'work' and 'opportunity' out there. My kids won't be kids for much longer. Its such a hard decision and there isn't a 'right' one. I do feel like when I was growing up, nobody really 'warned me' that I couldn't really have it all and I'm still a little bitter than I was 'misled' by society. I kept thinking that there must be a way and I hadn't figured it out yet! If someone who has a great, high powered career with long hours has figured out how to achieve balance, PLEASE, do share how!!

Have a great, medium-powered career with reasonable hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone here once put it very succinctly, and it's something that comforts me when I start to get a little weepy about my own mommy-tracked career:

You are not going to lie on your deathbed saying "Gee, I wish I'd spent more time at the office."

Not as simple as that. The more time I put in with work, the more I publish. Intellectually, it is very satisfying.

And the more time you put in with your family . . . ?

I don't need to put in more time with my family. If I SAH and had no volunteer commitments, friends or anything else that took time away from my children, I could see them 15 hours more a week. Those hours wouldn't make enough of a difference so that I'd consider giving up my work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone here once put it very succinctly, and it's something that comforts me when I start to get a little weepy about my own mommy-tracked career:

You are not going to lie on your deathbed saying "Gee, I wish I'd spent more time at the office."

Not as simple as that. The more time I put in with work, the more I publish. Intellectually, it is very satisfying.

And the more time you put in with your family . . . ?

I'm the PP with the italicized quotes, above. If I'm on my deathbed, yeah, sure I'll be wishing I spent more time with my family, too (and I only work 35 hours/week). But I'll also be grateful for all those hours I put towards my work (medical research). I'll probably also be wishing I traveled more, ate more cheesecake, and had more sex. I hope I'll be grateful for balancing it all the best I could.

Appreciating your honesty and touch of humor, but many parents (not necessarily you with a 35 hour work week) really need to think about their priorities. There are a lot of hurting children in our schools. Even innocent comments like this one from a ten year old boy, "My favorite thing to do is go shopping at the mall." Why? "Because it's about the only time I get to be with my mom."

And you really think that mom will spend more quality time with her kid if she quits work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I relate very much to what people have said in this thread but I always find it disturbing that in this day and age we still see this problem as one that a) only women have to deal with and b) that requires personal solutions rather than broad social change.

The reality is that it always took work to raise a family and when one person handles all the family "work" it allows another person to shine at the paid work outside the home. Now that many of us are trying to do the paid work and still manage the family work, we tend to just see it as our "lot" in life to manage this.

But there is no natural law about what is required to be a star at one's career. As a society we've chosen certain standards (60-80 hour work week, freedom to travel) but those standards were developed in a time when it was typical for middle-class women to handle all the family work at the cost of a paid career. And as long as we see it as a personal problem requiring individual maneuvering to accommodate job and family demands, well, it's not going to change.

To get an idea of what I'm talking about, those of us who are older can remember a time when a diagnosis of breast cancer was embarrassing and something one didn't talk about. Now there's a whole movement calling for a cure for cancer and for better treatment for survivors. People wear pink ribbons and participate in races and help each other. If you remember the earlier time, you would have had a hard time envisaging the current state of affairs. I think it's the same for us regarding work and family.

I don't know what the solution is. And personally I'm pretty bad about living this mentality myself. My career has stalled for family-related reasons as well and a lot of times I feel like I've failed. But I try to remember that it doesn't have to be that way and I'm not the one who has failed.

Hang in there, OP. You're not alone!

Oh brother, it's society's faiult you are failing? puhleeze.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone here once put it very succinctly, and it's something that comforts me when I start to get a little weepy about my own mommy-tracked career:

You are not going to lie on your deathbed saying "Gee, I wish I'd spent more time at the office."

Not as simple as that. The more time I put in with work, the more I publish. Intellectually, it is very satisfying.

And the more time you put in with your family . . . ?

I'm the PP with the italicized quotes, above. If I'm on my deathbed, yeah, sure I'll be wishing I spent more time with my family, too (and I only work 35 hours/week). But I'll also be grateful for all those hours I put towards my work (medical research). I'll probably also be wishing I traveled more, ate more cheesecake, and had more sex. I hope I'll be grateful for balancing it all the best I could.

Appreciating your honesty and touch of humor, but many parents (not necessarily you with a 35 hour work week) really need to think about their priorities. There are a lot of hurting children in our schools. Even innocent comments like this one from a ten year old boy, "My favorite thing to do is go shopping at the mall." Why? "Because it's about the only time I get to be with my mom."

And you really think that mom will spend more quality time with her kid if she quits work?

Nothing was said about quitting work. You seem very defensive about working moms. It's obvious that you and many others don't think it matters how little time parents spend with their children. I don't know if that particular mom would spend more quality time with her kid or not if she quit work. I do see a lot of neglected kids. Point of fact. Come volunteer as a mentor to some of these kids, and you'll see for yourself. Btw, I'm a working mom, so I understand how hard it is to do the balancing act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone here once put it very succinctly, and it's something that comforts me when I start to get a little weepy about my own mommy-tracked career:

You are not going to lie on your deathbed saying "Gee, I wish I'd spent more time at the office."

Not as simple as that. The more time I put in with work, the more I publish. Intellectually, it is very satisfying.

And the more time you put in with your family . . . ?

I don't need to put in more time with my family. If I SAH and had no volunteer commitments, friends or anything else that took time away from my children, I could see them 15 hours more a week. Those hours wouldn't make enough of a difference so that I'd consider giving up my work.

15 hours is a lot of time, but we're lucky in this country to have the freedom to set our priorities. It seems you're committed to yours.

[Anonymous]

I actually have thought about home schooling b/c it does bother me that my child spends the VAST majority of his time being raisied, taught influenced by adults other than his parents. This really bothers me, at least right now, at age 6. When you think about it, children were never 'institutionalized' like they are now, especialy at such young ages, until about 150 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Turned down a job that would have helped my career because I saw that dd was going through a serious depression and I could count on my current job to be very supportive - whereas I didn't trust the people at the new place. Now that dd is in a much better place, I'm starting to look again but with the economy is a worse place, I do wonder what would have happened if I had taken that other job.

I bet your dd would not be in a much better place. Good for you!

[Anonymous]

My Mom chose work, school (PhD started just before I was born and finished when I was 10), her relationship w/ my father, her hobbies, the house, and friends before my sibling and me. We definitely felt it. I work FT but in a VERY family-friendly environment and am able to pick up my kids from school myself at least twice/week (and my husband does it once/week). That means I work after they go to bed, but totally worth it. I could probably have a "better" job or a more important job, but I have the job that lets me do the best job at parenting. I think you're all doing a great job because you're thinking about it and trying hard (which I sincerely doubt my mother ever gave a single thought to).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually have thought about home schooling b/c it does bother me that my child spends the VAST majority of his time being raisied, taught influenced by adults other than his parents. This really bothers me, at least right now, at age 6. When you think about it, children were never 'institutionalized' like they are now, especialy at such young ages, until about 150 years ago.

This is either great parody or you are a control freak nut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone here once put it very succinctly, and it's something that comforts me when I start to get a little weepy about my own mommy-tracked career:

You are not going to lie on your deathbed saying "Gee, I wish I'd spent more time at the office."

Not as simple as that. The more time I put in with work, the more I publish. Intellectually, it is very satisfying.

And the more time you put in with your family . . . ?

I'm the PP with the italicized quotes, above. If I'm on my deathbed, yeah, sure I'll be wishing I spent more time with my family, too (and I only work 35 hours/week). But I'll also be grateful for all those hours I put towards my work (medical research). I'll probably also be wishing I traveled more, ate more cheesecake, and had more sex. I hope I'll be grateful for balancing it all the best I could.

Appreciating your honesty and touch of humor, but many parents (not necessarily you with a 35 hour work week) really need to think about their priorities. There are a lot of hurting children in our schools. Even innocent comments like this one from a ten year old boy, "My favorite thing to do is go shopping at the mall." Why? "Because it's about the only time I get to be with my mom."

And you really think that mom will spend more quality time with her kid if she quits work?

Nothing was said about quitting work. You seem very defensive about working moms. It's obvious that you and many others don't think it matters how little time parents spend with their children. I don't know if that particular mom would spend more quality time with her kid or not if she quit work. I do see a lot of neglected kids. Point of fact. Come volunteer as a mentor to some of these kids, and you'll see for yourself. Btw, I'm a working mom, so I understand how hard it is to do the balancing act.

Not the poster you are having a conversation with, but I think she meant that if the child's mom didn't work she probably wouldn't be a much better mom - if a child's only quality time with mom is shopping that goes deeper than work - she would simply find another way to fill her time it sounds like. If you were raised by a SAHM who managed to put everything else first you would know what I'm talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Mom chose work, school (PhD started just before I was born and finished when I was 10), her relationship w/ my father, her hobbies, the house, and friends before my sibling and me. We definitely felt it. I work FT but in a VERY family-friendly environment and am able to pick up my kids from school myself at least twice/week (and my husband does it once/week). That means I work after they go to bed, but totally worth it. I could probably have a "better" job or a more important job, but I have the job that lets me do the best job at parenting. I think you're all doing a great job because you're thinking about it and trying hard (which I sincerely doubt my mother ever gave a single thought to).

You sound like the best of moms! None of us parents perfectly, but I do believe children know when they're truly loved and an important part of their parents' lives. If that's not possible, then I always hope that there's someone--an uncle, aunt, grandparent, nanny, etc.--who is there for a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone here once put it very succinctly, and it's something that comforts me when I start to get a little weepy about my own mommy-tracked career:

You are not going to lie on your deathbed saying "Gee, I wish I'd spent more time at the office."

Not as simple as that. The more time I put in with work, the more I publish. Intellectually, it is very satisfying.

And the more time you put in with your family . . . ?

I'm the PP with the italicized quotes, above. If I'm on my deathbed, yeah, sure I'll be wishing I spent more time with my family, too (and I only work 35 hours/week). But I'll also be grateful for all those hours I put towards my work (medical research). I'll probably also be wishing I traveled more, ate more cheesecake, and had more sex. I hope I'll be grateful for balancing it all the best I could.

Appreciating your honesty and touch of humor, but many parents (not necessarily you with a 35 hour work week) really need to think about their priorities. There are a lot of hurting children in our schools. Even innocent comments like this one from a ten year old boy, "My favorite thing to do is go shopping at the mall." Why? "Because it's about the only time I get to be with my mom."

And you really think that mom will spend more quality time with her kid if she quits work?

Nothing was said about quitting work. You seem very defensive about working moms. It's obvious that you and many others don't think it matters how little time parents spend with their children. I don't know if that particular mom would spend more quality time with her kid or not if she quit work. I do see a lot of neglected kids. Point of fact. Come volunteer as a mentor to some of these kids, and you'll see for yourself. Btw, I'm a working mom, so I understand how hard it is to do the balancing act.

Not the poster you are having a conversation with, but I think she meant that if the child's mom didn't work she probably wouldn't be a much better mom - if a child's only quality time with mom is shopping that goes deeper than work - she would simply find another way to fill her time it sounds like. If you were raised by a SAHM who managed to put everything else first you would know what I'm talking about.

I got it. And certainly there are SAHMs who put everything else first. But in this case, she was referring to a working mom.