Feeling conflicted about my mommy track "career"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason I became a sahm is because I felt like I wasn't doing a proper job no matter where I was or what I was doing. I couldn't every find a 'good place'. So, I ended up deciding that I had to pick one...go gung ho back into my career and shoot for the stars (at dh's expense, really, but his job is more flexible anyway) or stay home and truly devote my time to being a mom. I was SOO tempted to go for it. DH was willing. We had a good nanny. But in the end, I decided that I would rather regret not being satisfied with my career than not being satisfied with the job I did as a mom. And I felt like it was a more 'reverisble" decision to leave my career (not really, but sort of) but my kids are growing up NOW and aren't waiting for me to get my shit together. If I made the wrong choice, I would lose the chance to be with my kids when they were young. I'm still missing my career but I've found other intellectually stimulating stuff to do now that I'm home. While my career will never be the same, there will always be 'work' and 'opportunity' out there. My kids won't be kids for much longer. Its such a hard decision and there isn't a 'right' one. I do feel like when I was growing up, nobody really 'warned me' that I couldn't really have it all and I'm still a little bitter than I was 'misled' by society. I kept thinking that there must be a way and I hadn't figured it out yet! If someone who has a great, high powered career with long hours has figured out how to achieve balance, PLEASE, do share how!!

Have a great, medium-powered career with reasonable hours.

I think you made a really, really good decision. And one you will never regret. I am an older mom. I have college-aged kids. I always stayed at home with them. I have never for one millisecond regretted that decision. Were there times I longed for the excitement and fulfillment of my lawyer days? Of course. Did we have to make some financial sacrifices so that I could stay at home? Definitely. But I have zero regrets. My kids know that they were always a priority. I was able to volunteer in the classrooms, go on field trips, help out with sport, etc... Our house was always the place where the kids hung out because I was at home to bake the cookies. My kids weren't rushed out the door every morning and dumped at a cold daycare center. I didn't rush to pick them up as the sun went down each evening. I was the one that put them on the school bus each morning. And I was there with a smile and a hug each afternoon. My husband came home to supper on the table and a wife and kids who weren't exhausted. We were able to eat supper together every evening. And we tucked our kids into bed every evening.

For the poster that said, "Have a great, medium-powered career....". It's obvious where your priorities are. No, ladies. You simply cannot have it all. There aren't enough hours in the day to work full time and raise your kids. Something gets sacrificed. There was no way I was going to sacrifice my kids for a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason I became a sahm is because I felt like I wasn't doing a proper job no matter where I was or what I was doing. I couldn't every find a 'good place'. So, I ended up deciding that I had to pick one...go gung ho back into my career and shoot for the stars (at dh's expense, really, but his job is more flexible anyway) or stay home and truly devote my time to being a mom. I was SOO tempted to go for it. DH was willing. We had a good nanny. But in the end, I decided that I would rather regret not being satisfied with my career than not being satisfied with the job I did as a mom. And I felt like it was a more 'reverisble" decision to leave my career (not really, but sort of) but my kids are growing up NOW and aren't waiting for me to get my shit together. If I made the wrong choice, I would lose the chance to be with my kids when they were young. I'm still missing my career but I've found other intellectually stimulating stuff to do now that I'm home. While my career will never be the same, there will always be 'work' and 'opportunity' out there. My kids won't be kids for much longer. Its such a hard decision and there isn't a 'right' one. I do feel like when I was growing up, nobody really 'warned me' that I couldn't really have it all and I'm still a little bitter than I was 'misled' by society. I kept thinking that there must be a way and I hadn't figured it out yet! If someone who has a great, high powered career with long hours has figured out how to achieve balance, PLEASE, do share how!!

Have a great, medium-powered career with reasonable hours.

I think you made a really, really good decision. And one you will never regret. I am an older mom. I have college-aged kids. I always stayed at home with them. I have never for one millisecond regretted that decision. Were there times I longed for the excitement and fulfillment of my lawyer days? Of course. Did we have to make some financial sacrifices so that I could stay at home? Definitely. But I have zero regrets. My kids know that they were always a priority. I was able to volunteer in the classrooms, go on field trips, help out with sport, etc... Our house was always the place where the kids hung out because I was at home to bake the cookies. My kids weren't rushed out the door every morning and dumped at a cold daycare center. I didn't rush to pick them up as the sun went down each evening. I was the one that put them on the school bus each morning. And I was there with a smile and a hug each afternoon. My husband came home to supper on the table and a wife and kids who weren't exhausted. We were able to eat supper together every evening. And we tucked our kids into bed every evening.

For the poster that said, "Have a great, medium-powered career....". It's obvious where your priorities are. No, ladies. You simply cannot have it all. There aren't enough hours in the day to work full time and raise your kids. Something gets sacrificed. There was no way I was going to sacrifice my kids for a career.

I wish I could reach out and give you a high five or a great big hug! Thanks for a great post that I'm hoping will be heard and taken to heart.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for a great thread - a lot of good posts here.

I was struggling with this issue myself a year or so ago. I have two kids and I cut my schedule back to 80% + some telework when #1 was born, and then 60% with #2. I work in the same place, but while before kids I had a high-profile, demanding and important job, now I have a run-of-the-mill, mid-level and not so exciting job. What bothered me the most was that I didn't feel needed in my office. Before, I felt like I couldn't miss a day because people really relied on me. Now, nobody cares if I come in or not, and I feel like I haven't learned anything new in years. Less experienced colleagues got promoted left and right. My job stayed the same - always with great reviews, but the same.

So I started looking around, had a few interviews and got offered a job a few steps up. The company seemed great and I knew the job would be challenging, interesting and demanding. But they wanted me full-time. It took me about a day to figure out that I valued my time off with my kids, all the fun things we did - and even the times we didn't do anything but veg in our PJs - to the "perks" of an office life. I knew that when they were old enough to start school I could re-arrange my schedule to be home when school let out. And that I could afford to go on field trips, volunteer in the classroom, help with homework and listen to their stories about friends, teachers, successes and heartaches. I think I just needed some reassurance that the choices I made a couple of years ago were still valid ones for our family.

So I am staying with my part-time, uninteresting job and I will take my kids to the Museum of Natural History on Monday. Maybe I will see you there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone here once put it very succinctly, and it's something that comforts me when I start to get a little weepy about my own mommy-tracked career:

You are not going to lie on your deathbed saying "Gee, I wish I'd spent more time at the office."

Not as simple as that. The more time I put in with work, the more I publish. Intellectually, it is very satisfying.

And the more time you put in with your family . . . ?

I don't need to put in more time with my family. If I SAH and had no volunteer commitments, friends or anything else that took time away from my children, I could see them 15 hours more a week. Those hours wouldn't make enough of a difference so that I'd consider giving up my work.

15 hours is a lot of time, but we're lucky in this country to have the freedom to set our priorities. It seems you're committed to yours.

My children spend about half of those 15 hours either doing homework or activities in which I can't participate (music lessons). I don't think they are harmed, or my relationship with them is harmed, because I work 8 hours I could be spending with them.

[Anonymous]

To 22:41, I respectfully disagree. I can have it all, meaning having everything I want.

I spend 4 hours a day on the days I work with my children, who are late elementary and middle school age. I work about 45 hours a week. I have high energy, so I can put in a full day at work and be "present" for them when I'm with them. I have work I enjoy, a family I love and (knock wood) no financial concerns. I'm sorry you couldn't make it work for your life, but please don't assume none of us can.

What I don't have, that I'm sure you do have, is much time for "me."

[Anonymous]

23:10, by working when my kids were younger than school age, I earned and secured my reputation, so now I am able to go on all the field trips, class parties, etc., without tarnishing my work ethic. And of course I have weeks and weeks of vacation time saved up anytime I want to take off to be with them. It's great to be able to have that kind of flexibility and still earn $150,000. Working when your kids are little is an investment in your family's future.

[Anonymous]

I always cringe when there start to be comments about how superior being a SAHM is. It really is very classist and implies that only rich men should marry and have kids.

I'm not sure why anyone ever thought they could have it all. Life is about trade ofs and I learned that well before starting a family. Like another poster mentioned, staying in the workforce is an investment in the future. If you are very financially secure and not worried about your husband being forced into early retirement (my wonderful, highly competent 60 year old male boss was just laid off and is struggling to find a job now, as are many), that's not an issue but you are in the minority if that is you.

Having a family and being able to have a career and have some good balance makes me feel like the luckiest person. I realize not everyone has the same circumstances as me. As my children get older and more independent I don't need to worry about "reinventing" myself (a topic of a recent thread that didn't get many responses, likely because this board is mainly moms with young kids who haven't faced that yet). Working is not for everyone and I certainly think it's great if some women have that choice and want to stay home, but to imply it is ideal for everyone is really limiting and really does imply classism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason I became a sahm is because I felt like I wasn't doing a proper job no matter where I was or what I was doing. I couldn't every find a 'good place'. So, I ended up deciding that I had to pick one...go gung ho back into my career and shoot for the stars (at dh's expense, really, but his job is more flexible anyway) or stay home and truly devote my time to being a mom. I was SOO tempted to go for it. DH was willing. We had a good nanny. But in the end, I decided that I would rather regret not being satisfied with my career than not being satisfied with the job I did as a mom. And I felt like it was a more 'reverisble" decision to leave my career (not really, but sort of) but my kids are growing up NOW and aren't waiting for me to get my shit together. If I made the wrong choice, I would lose the chance to be with my kids when they were young. I'm still missing my career but I've found other intellectually stimulating stuff to do now that I'm home. While my career will never be the same, there will always be 'work' and 'opportunity' out there. My kids won't be kids for much longer. Its such a hard decision and there isn't a 'right' one. I do feel like when I was growing up, nobody really 'warned me' that I couldn't really have it all and I'm still a little bitter than I was 'misled' by society. I kept thinking that there must be a way and I hadn't figured it out yet! If someone who has a great, high powered career with long hours has figured out how to achieve balance, PLEASE, do share how!!

Have a great, medium-powered career with reasonable hours.

I think you made a really, really good decision. And one you will never regret. I am an older mom. I have college-aged kids. I always stayed at home with them. I have never for one millisecond regretted that decision. Were there times I longed for the excitement and fulfillment of my lawyer days? Of course. Did we have to make some financial sacrifices so that I could stay at home? Definitely. But I have zero regrets. My kids know that they were always a priority. I was able to volunteer in the classrooms, go on field trips, help out with sport, etc... Our house was always the place where the kids hung out because I was at home to bake the cookies. My kids weren't rushed out the door every morning and dumped at a cold daycare center. I didn't rush to pick them up as the sun went down each evening. I was the one that put them on the school bus each morning. And I was there with a smile and a hug each afternoon. My husband came home to supper on the table and a wife and kids who weren't exhausted. We were able to eat supper together every evening. And we tucked our kids into bed every evening.

For the poster that said, "Have a great, medium-powered career....". It's obvious where your priorities are. No, ladies. You simply cannot have it all. There aren't enough hours in the day to work full time and raise your kids. Something gets sacrificed. There was no way I was going to sacrifice my kids for a career.

I wish I could reach out and give you a high five or a great big hug! Thanks for a great post that I'm hoping will be heard and taken to heart.

BLECH! There are enough hours in the day to work full time and raise your kids. Millions of us do it. I am not a perfect parent. I don't know one - stay at home or working part of full time. We all do are best. Just because you didn't work doesn't mean you were a better parent, loved your kids more, or ended up with more well adjusted kids. I give you credit for making the choices you made, but give the rest of us the same.

[Anonymous]

OK, I posted on page one of this post about being in a mindnumbingly dull job, but doing it to be able to enjoy being a mom. That was back on page 1, like two days ago. I come back to the thread tonight and I'm seriously thinking "WTF?"

How did a thread that was completely supportive of working moms become santimonious SAHM's thread about how virtuous and wonderful these SAHMs feel?

Really those SAH "mommies" can't find their own thread to pat themselves on the back?

[Anonymous]

It would be more insightful to actually hear from older moms who have older college aged children about how they felt about their experiences staying home or working. All of us in our current states and recent decisions are going to naturally defend our choices and rationalize them as best.

I know my mom's story. She was a SAHM and by the time us kids went to college, she didn't know what to do with herself so she started working very random jobs. She still has a low-skill, low-wage job but she likes making money. I believe she regrets not setting herself up better for the future and retirement. The other sad part is, us kids -- honestly and bluntly -- couldn't care less that she stayed at home for us. Call us spoiled, ungrateful, whatever... I'm willing to bet our experience isn't all that foreign. Personally I really think she could have potentially been a better parent if she didn't have her whole identity circle around us kids and had other things to do and take pride in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids weren't rushed out the door every morning and dumped at a cold daycare center. I didn't rush to pick them up as the sun went down each evening. I was the one that put them on the school bus each morning. And I was there with a smile and a hug each afternoon. My husband came home to supper on the table and a wife and kids who weren't exhausted. We were able to eat supper together every evening. And we tucked our kids into bed every evening.

Wow! You are SOOOOOOO wonderful. Not like those horrible working mothers who rush their kids out the door every morning and dump them at a cold daycare center. They then rush to pick them up as the sun goes down each evening. And their husbands have to help with dinner, because their pathetic wives are exhausted. Go YOU!!!!!!!!!

I wonder whether your friends who have to work and put their kids in daycare know how little you think of them?

[Anonymous]

Working when your kids are little is an investment in your family's future.

Okay, but, every other month a new piece of peer-reviewed research comes out adding even more data to the large body of evidence showing that the most important years for cognitive growth are 0-3, or 0-5 depending on the parameters. This is a fact, and it's not in dispute.

Can we just stipulate that the vast majority of working moms do not have Mary Poppins as the nanny? I've spent enough time on the playgrounds of 20015, 20815, and 20016 to know better. Not to mention the Starbucks, the Whole Foods and the post office. I've Seen Your Nanny, as they say. And she's not, typically, anyone I'd want in charge of the vast majority of my kids' waking hours from 0-3 year of age. Does she keep them from choking to death? Check. Is she as an amazing teacher as, oh, me? Hmm-mm. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Working when your kids are little is an investment in your family's future.

Okay, but, every other month a new piece of peer-reviewed research comes out adding even more data to the large body of evidence showing that the most important years for cognitive growth are 0-3, or 0-5 depending on the parameters. This is a fact, and it's not in dispute.
Can we just stipulate that the vast majority of working moms do not have Mary Poppins as the nanny? I've spent enough time on the playgrounds of 20015, 20815, and 20016 to know better. Not to mention the Starbucks, the Whole Foods and the post office. I've Seen Your Nanny, as they say. And she's not, typically, anyone I'd want in charge of the vast majority of my kids' waking hours from 0-3 year of age. Does she keep them from choking to death? Check. Is she as an amazing teacher as, oh, me? Hmm-mm. No.

Wow. ANOTHER self-congratulatory SAHM. Gad, you're an annoying lot. If you are so secure in your decision to SAH, why the need to tear down working moms?

In any event, I'd agree to your stpulation if you add that the vast majority of SAHMs are not exactly Mary Poppins, either. Your amazing self excluded, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Working when your kids are little is an investment in your family's future.

Okay, but, every other month a new piece of peer-reviewed research comes out adding even more data to the large body of evidence showing that the most important years for cognitive growth are 0-3, or 0-5 depending on the parameters. This is a fact, and it's not in dispute.
Can we just stipulate that the vast majority of working moms do not have Mary Poppins as the nanny? I've spent enough time on the playgrounds of 20015, 20815, and 20016 to know better. Not to mention the Starbucks, the Whole Foods and the post office. I've Seen Your Nanny, as they say. And she's not, typically, anyone I'd want in charge of the vast majority of my kids' waking hours from 0-3 year of age. Does she keep them from choking to death? Check. Is she as an amazing teacher as, oh, me? Hmm-mm. No.

Wow. ANOTHER self-congratulatory SAHM. Gad, you're an annoying lot. If you are so secure in your decision to SAH, why the need to tear down working moms?

In any event, I'd agree to your stpulation if you add that the vast majority of SAHMs are not exactly Mary Poppins, either. Your amazing self excluded, of course.

Gotta agree with that last line. I SAH for nearly 2 years with my first and I was definitely no Mary Poppins. DD was so much better off with her good daycare and peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

For the poster that said, "Have a great, medium-powered career....". It's obvious where your priorities are. No, ladies. You simply cannot have it all. There aren't enough hours in the day to work full time and raise your kids. Something gets sacrificed. There was no way I was going to sacrifice my kids for a career.

I didn't know they had the internet in the 1950s. Well done. Now get back to darning your husband's socks, before he comes back to beat you.