If you live close to the in-laws, what does your mother's day look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I block MIL for one day so I don't have to see her "Happy Mother's Day" text (I'm not her mother, or her daughter) and won't see if she calls. It's my one day a year of not having to deal with her fake BS.

She's called me overweight to my face after I had an extreme health issue that required heavy-duty steroids. She's told me she likED (past tense, liked) me "before I had kids and changed." She asks me for my family recipes after deliberately telling me I can't have a certain cookie recipe because "I'm not family and it's a family recipe." So I feel fully justified in blocking her for one damn day.

This "nobody should wish me Happy Mother's Day" is super petty. I bet your spouse does! It's not like infants do anything or even know that we're their mothers. I wish Happy Mother's Day to colleagues that I'm close to and friends, who do the same. When someone wishes you Merry Christmas! it's not because they think you're the Christ! Or Happy Easter because they think you're an Easter Bunny. You can do what you want, but please don't post this insanity as if it's something normal and acceptable. Your MIL KNOWS that you're not her mother or her daughter. You sound socially awkward.

Seems you didn't read what this lady wrote...It sounds like the issue is with this MIL and having to focus on her that day despite her being cruel, and not about other mothers at all.

If a person is socially awkward, everything may sound cruel if misconstrued. In fact the more one obsesses about holiday wishes, instead of reciprocating, the more socially awkward it becomes as the years go by. You take the PP as an objective story teller and I don't. A MIL who does not like or never liked her DIL DOES NOT WISH her a Happy Mother's Day, even performatively! There are plenty of MIL, mine among them, who would not be caught dead wishing their DILs a Happy Mother's Day! They're too self-absorbed and self-important for that, after all, the Mother's Day is about them and not the DIL! The fact that the MIL actually reaches out on this holiday, speaks for itself.

My inlaws despise me. Yet I receive a birthday card and Mother's Day card every year, signed "Love, First Name and First Name." SMIL buys cards for the family once a year, signs, stamps, and addresses them all and files them in an organizer. So loving and warm. A card can be meaningul but just sending one is not.

Well, then I guess despise is not enough "warmth" for my MIL who has NEVER sent me a card on Mother's Day or wished me anything. On birthdays I sometimes get something, but more often I do not. I used to send cards/flowers/etc but stopped. I actually enjoy exchanging good wishes on holidays (which I do with many people) and find it really awkward. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friday - My house gets deep cleaned by my cleaner.

Saturday - DH looks after the kids. The lawnmower guy mows and spruces up the yard. I go with MIL for pedicure, massage and a panera lunch/costco lunch (hey yes MIL and I are both cheap). Selfies. Kiss, kiss, hug, hug. Then I come home and sleep. Dinner is Chinese takeout. Order enough dishes so that Sunday dinner is also covered.

Sunday - Kids snuggle with me. Give me a card and a cup of tea in bed. Kiss, kiss, hug, hug...photo. DH and kids take out MIL and FIL for brunch. Cards (I sign too), photos. Kiss, kiss, hug, hug. I continue to bed-rot. Take a bath. Eat Costco salad. DH comes back... we all watch TV, eat Chinese leftovers.

If my parents are around...I follow the same script. Except my mom and dad get added to the celebrations and I may then decide to attend the sunday brunch. No separate celebrations with both sets of parents etc.

Over 3 days...my MD gifts are -
- a clean house, spruced up lawn
- bed-rotting and warm bath
- Chinese takeout for two nights
- Bed tea
- Massage, pedicure and lunch with the moms.
- Photos shared on our group chat
- Having my DH keep my kids out of my hair for two days.
- Giving a break to my MIL (and my mom), spending some time with her/them doing something that I like (massage/pedicure), having no woman in the family cook or take care of the kids.
- Not getting flowers so that I don't have to take care of it.
- Do not want any other gifts.

There is a lot of genius here. Well done and Happy Mother's Day!

Thank you. And a Happy Mother's Day to you too.

I think all of us in our family are a bit low energy and a bit conflict averse. I find that this works for me and DH. For valentine's day, birthdays, mother's day, father's day, anniversaries and any other holiday you can think of ...both of us want ease and peace of mind.

And I do like to include my ILs, parents, siblings, extended family, guests, friends etc. More the merrier. Normally, I reserve tables for larger groups at least 2 months in advance. This is because sometimes we use these kinds of occasions to also fulfills some part of our hospitality, familial and social obligations in one shot. Also, DH is very social so he enjoys it (at least this is what I tell my ILs and parents) and when more people are around then the focus is on ordering, eating and only very superficial and polite level of conversations can happen. This is exactly the type of socialization I aim for because often you hear that such family occasions can become 'tension filled' and someone or the other will feel slighted.

You have to keep the older generation a bit off-kilter and behaving well especially when you are blending both sides of the family (usually characterized as fire and gasolene) and this can be achieved by having other people and general hustle bustle at the table.

Eating out also is a good way to spend a very short time with each other (90 minutes - 2 hours tops?). And then this communal/family eating also becomes the - gift, celebration, memory making, family time, engaging with people, inclusivity, teaching social skills to my kids, keeping our elders engaged and happy, reciprocity, photo op etc... There is zero chances of hurt feelings for anyone. Because people are processing all that sensory input + all the desserts and celebratory toasts.

- Beloved DIL of my ILs.

[Anonymous]

Same as any other day. DH doesn't bother. Many issue to unpack!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I block MIL for one day so I don't have to see her "Happy Mother's Day" text (I'm not her mother, or her daughter) and won't see if she calls. It's my one day a year of not having to deal with her fake BS.

She's called me overweight to my face after I had an extreme health issue that required heavy-duty steroids. She's told me she likED (past tense, liked) me "before I had kids and changed." She asks me for my family recipes after deliberately telling me I can't have a certain cookie recipe because "I'm not family and it's a family recipe." So I feel fully justified in blocking her for one damn day.

No! A recipe?!!!!
I burst out laughing at this one "complaint". Grow up PP. You sound utterly exhausting.

[Anonymous]

I always thought that once you are a mother you should celebrate Mother's Day the weekend later or something. Since I was a daughter long before I was a mother I feel like I have to show up for my own mom and it can't be about me. I honestly wish we could have a separate day just for my mother's day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always thought that once you are a mother you should celebrate Mother's Day the weekend later or something. Since I was a daughter long before I was a mother I feel like I have to show up for my own mom and it can't be about me. I honestly wish we could have a separate day just for my mother's day.

Or you can all celebrate all the Moms of the family together?

If this is the only problem in your life then you live a very privileged life. Remember that your mindset is creating hell in your mind. Instead of a blissful life, you are living in a poverty mindset.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband problem. And you also have a spine. You're a grown adult and can do what you want. I would check into a hotel and do a spa day. But I bet you won't do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I block MIL for one day so I don't have to see her "Happy Mother's Day" text (I'm not her mother, or her daughter) and won't see if she calls. It's my one day a year of not having to deal with her fake BS.

She's called me overweight to my face after I had an extreme health issue that required heavy-duty steroids. She's told me she likED (past tense, liked) me "before I had kids and changed." She asks me for my family recipes after deliberately telling me I can't have a certain cookie recipe because "I'm not family and it's a family recipe." So I feel fully justified in blocking her for one damn day.

No! A recipe?!!!!
I burst out laughing at this one "complaint". Grow up PP. You sound utterly exhausting.

NP and clearly you lack two brain cells to rub together and figure out that the slight was that MIL told her DIL she WAS NOT FAMILY. You sound like a bitter shrew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on very good term with my MIL. She lives 15 minutes away and that comes with its pros and cons. Now that we have our own kids, I would love to spend mother's day at our house, but she still expects that we all go to her house on Sunday. My husband is conflict averse and does not want to "rock the boat."

I know, I'm a little petty and feel sad that the day isn't "about me." But I've been buying MIL her mother's day gift (my husband would never remember or care about it) for over ten years now, and now that I'm in the thick of raising young kids, I'm tired. I just want to stay in my own house that day, spend it with the kids, and maybe get a few hours to myself. I did tell DH this but somehow he sees this as a big disruption to "the way things have been" and is afraid his mom will take offense if we don't show up at her place to celebrate her on Sunday.

Those of you that have this living arrangement, what do you do?

Frankly, if you were my daughter, I would knock some sense into you. Someone is cooking you and your brood a meal and you just have to show up and stuff your mouth with food? What is your issue?

When my DD got married, I told her that I will be damned if she has to accommodate me for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day, Father's Day etc. Her MIL is into all of this - more power to her. She (the MIL) is a sweet lady and wants to do all of this. As for myself - lets all go to a restaurant a couple days before or after the "event" so that we all can chill out, order what we want to order and be relaxed.

People like this PP are the worst. Think they are so low key, but turns out they don’t have much empathy or understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always thought that once you are a mother you should celebrate Mother's Day the weekend later or something. Since I was a daughter long before I was a mother I feel like I have to show up for my own mom and it can't be about me. I honestly wish we could have a separate day just for my mother's day.

So growing up, you are all catered to the wishes of the grandmothers on Mother’s Day?

[Anonymous]

It really seems for many Mother's Day is actually Grandmother's Day! How ridiculous of older women to not make way for the younger ones with their demands and expectations!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really seems for many Mother's Day is actually Grandmother's Day! How ridiculous of older women to not make way for the younger ones with their demands and expectations!

Have you met either Boomers or Millennials? Everything in this entire thread comes down to one or the other of those generations being self-centered narcissists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really seems for many Mother's Day is actually Grandmother's Day! How ridiculous of older women to not make way for the younger ones with their demands and expectations!

Have you met either Boomers or Millennials? Everything in this entire thread comes down to one or the other of those generations being self-centered narcissists.

Ha true. I also giggle when these women marry these “yes dear” husbands and then they are SHOCKED to find out the DH is going to placate his mom the same way. How do you think he got so “accommodating” in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I block MIL for one day so I don't have to see her "Happy Mother's Day" text (I'm not her mother, or her daughter) and won't see if she calls. It's my one day a year of not having to deal with her fake BS.

She's called me overweight to my face after I had an extreme health issue that required heavy-duty steroids. She's told me she likED (past tense, liked) me "before I had kids and changed." She asks me for my family recipes after deliberately telling me I can't have a certain cookie recipe because "I'm not family and it's a family recipe." So I feel fully justified in blocking her for one damn day.

This "nobody should wish me Happy Mother's Day" is super petty. I bet your spouse does! It's not like infants do anything or even know that we're their mothers. I wish Happy Mother's Day to colleagues that I'm close to and friends, who do the same. When someone wishes you Merry Christmas! it's not because they think you're the Christ! Or Happy Easter because they think you're an Easter Bunny. You can do what you want, but please don't post this insanity as if it's something normal and acceptable. Your MIL KNOWS that you're not her mother or her daughter. You sound socially awkward.

Seems you didn't read what this lady wrote...It sounds like the issue is with this MIL and having to focus on her that day despite her being cruel, and not about other mothers at all.

If a person is socially awkward, everything may sound cruel if misconstrued. In fact the more one obsesses about holiday wishes, instead of reciprocating, the more socially awkward it becomes as the years go by. You take the PP as an objective story teller and I don't. A MIL who does not like or never liked her DIL DOES NOT WISH her a Happy Mother's Day, even performatively! There are plenty of MIL, mine among them, who would not be caught dead wishing their DILs a Happy Mother's Day! They're too self-absorbed and self-important for that, after all, the Mother's Day is about them and not the DIL! The fact that the MIL actually reaches out on this holiday, speaks for itself.

My inlaws despise me. Yet I receive a birthday card and Mother's Day card every year, signed "Love, First Name and First Name." SMIL buys cards for the family once a year, signs, stamps, and addresses them all and files them in an organizer. So loving and warm. A card can be meaningul but just sending one is not.

Well, then I guess despise is not enough "warmth" for my MIL who has NEVER sent me a card on Mother's Day or wished me anything. On birthdays I sometimes get something, but more often I do not. I used to send cards/flowers/etc but stopped. I actually enjoy exchanging good wishes on holidays (which I do with many people) and find it really awkward. Oh well.

I like my MIL and am obsessed with my mom. I’ve never received a Mother’s Day card from either. I never even thought about it or wanted one? My FIL will give me flowers on years we spend Mother’s Day with MIL and FIL and I think that’s nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always thought that once you are a mother you should celebrate Mother's Day the weekend later or something. Since I was a daughter long before I was a mother I feel like I have to show up for my own mom and it can't be about me. I honestly wish we could have a separate day just for my mother's day.

Or you can all celebrate all the Moms of the family together?

If this is the only problem in your life then you live a very privileged life. Remember that your mindset is creating hell in your mind. Instead of a blissful life, you are living in a poverty mindset.

The thing is, you can’t really celebrate everyone together. I bet my mom would love a fancy brunch. But you couldn’t pay me to go to a brunch on Mother’s Day with my kids. I’d rather have a cavity filled. I want breakfast in bed made by my kids. I also love an afternoon picnic at a winery, followed by antique shopping. My mom doesn’t drink. I like homemade gifts and my mom wants luxury. This year it’s a nice Hermes scarf. My MIL likes a good hike (which I do some years).

I just wish we could elevate grandparents day so that Mother’s Day is just for moms. Once you become a grandma you get grandparents day.