Tween Daughter is driving us nuts about spending

[Anonymous]

There’s a mean girl culture at her school that she is protecting herself from. You should get her out of there. Find a parochial or public school.

[Anonymous]

We don't put up with whining or repeated asks for the same thing over and over. I'd tell her she'll be given a clothing budget for the fall, and each time she complains ,begs, asks, or whines about wanting anything between now an then it'll be $25 off that budget. Oh and we don't replace book bags each year.

[Anonymous]

She has to get a job. And complaining= 1 week without her phone (that she's not paying for).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

My kid is in public and acts the same as OP. We are also not as well off as some of the kids in middle school. We also don’t spend frivolously. But I wanted to make it clear that these same issues exist in public school too.

[Anonymous]

My kids (11 and 13) are in public and behave like OP's daughter. To be fair, we have a lot of wealthy families in our area. It's exhausting when the brand of shoe they requested for Christmas is no longer cool in March and they are demanding new stuff. I haven't found a solution because my husband buys the kids whatever they want, even after I've said no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

I went to a middle class public school. Maybe the stuff we wanted wasn’t designer but we all wanted the right clothes, shoes, accessories, etc. Some kids are just more materialistic than others. OPs daughter is materialistic in a shallow friend group. It’s pretty common now in any school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids get a budget for school clothes: $500 for the fall, $200 for a spring top up. They can spend it how they choose. They also get an allowance and can work around the house to earn more. What you daughter is actually asking for is more choice and independence.

Me again. I would not force my tween to wear things from target.

Same. Target is for elementary school children. Not high schoolers. Lululemon is expensive. There’s a lot in between. Try Brandy Melville, it’s inexpensive and girls usually like it.

I would give a budget $500, and let her get what she wants. Upgrade the backpack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

At 13, she isn’t capable of earning much money beyond maybe a once off dog walking or something from a nice neighbor. Hold firm. Keep doing what you are doing and don’t cave to her consumerism. She is allowed to be angry and feel how she wants about it. However, she may not be disrespectful toward you because she is angry and if she is, give her consequences.

That's not true. There are several of my kids' friends who have regular babysitting jobs at that age, or afterschool type gigs teaching younger kids to play sports.

Other kids mow lawns, shovel snow, help neighbors with gardening etc. If she actually needed the money rather than getting it from the bank of mom and dad, she might be more inspired to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the feedback. We are in the process of setting up a budget system that allows her more control. She's 13 and I suspect that she does want more independence. I dont understand why she's mad that we didn't pay full price for the Lululemon clothes.
Its like she's associating the quality with the cost. Which I can understand if the choice is between two different brands. Why would we not take advantage of a sale at a brand that usually costs more?
To the pp that asked about the phone. Yes, I think she consumes too much youtube (no TikTok) which is adding to the problem.
My bigger problem is that she doesn't seem to want to work for money. I've asked her what she's willing to do to earn spending money and she's yet to come up with anything.

At 13, she isn’t capable of earning much money beyond maybe a once off dog walking or something from a nice neighbor. Hold firm. Keep doing what you are doing and don’t cave to her consumerism. She is allowed to be angry and feel how she wants about it. However, she may not be disrespectful toward you because she is angry and if she is, give her consequences.

That's not true. There are several of my kids' friends who have regular babysitting jobs at that age, or afterschool type gigs teaching younger kids to play sports.

Other kids mow lawns, shovel snow, help neighbors with gardening etc. If she actually needed the money rather than getting it from the bank of mom and dad, she might be more inspired to work.[/quote

+1 My neighbor got DOGEd. His tween daughter has been babysitting for younger neighbor kids 3-4x a week after school. They need the money.

[Anonymous]

+1 My neighbor got DOGEd. His tween daughter has been babysitting for younger neighbor kids 3-4x a week after school. They need the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Small correction she's almost 13 (just a few days away). Yes she's in private school. I've considered moving her. My wife disagrees with that plan.
Part of the struggle is I grew up without a lot i know what its like to have less than other kids.
However my kid has chosen to compare herself to people with levels of wealth that are well beyond normal. This seems like a recipe for unhappiness. We're trying to teach her that the "right" brands aren't the end all.

I feel for you. First of all, 12-13 years old girls- they are very tough to manage. They get influenced by peers and whatever their peers are doing or wearing, they will want to do the same. They don't want to be excluded from the social circle. My sister has 2 girls and told me how rough this age was. We have an 11 year old and she already starts being difficult. My daughter's friends seem to be much more well off and it is tough for us to see that. They drive nicer cars, go to mulitple vacations a year, live in bigger houses. I don't really have advice for you, but I just want to let you know that I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being blunt here... What did you expect if you send her to an expensive private school? Do you drive expensive cars? What does that teach her?

Your kid doesn't know anything different. She is surrounded by wealth, and people who have expensive things. What did you expect?

I posted the first question asking if she attended private and this is what I was thinking. I suspected it wasn't her being just superficial. All kids want to do is fit in. You send her to school with kids she can't fit in with economically what do you expect? Not saying its resolved with public school depending on the neighborhood but publkc schools tend to be more economically diverse. If all the kids vacation in Europe, ski in Aspen or wear brand name clothes what do you think will happen? You have to put in the work to instill other values.

She is normal.

Agree with this. She just wants things her peers have and fit in. Normal stage of growing up.

[Anonymous]

No, tell her to earn the money and end the discussion. If she throws tantrums, give consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids get a budget for school clothes: $500 for the fall, $200 for a spring top up. They can spend it how they choose. They also get an allowance and can work around the house to earn more. What you daughter is actually asking for is more choice and independence.

Me again. I would not force my tween to wear things from target.

Same. Target is for elementary school children. Not high schoolers. Lululemon is expensive. There’s a lot in between. Try Brandy Melville, it’s inexpensive and girls usually like it.

I would give a budget $500, and let her get what she wants. Upgrade the backpack.

She's 13. My 17 yr old sometimes gets clothes from Target. Some of their stuff is cute. As to quality, a 13 yr old will outgrow their clothes by next year. It doesn't need to be expensive quality.

I wouldn't upgrade the backpack. What would that teach her? That whining and being bratty gets you what you want.