Zero empathy of the man cold

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - the problem is when he travels he has to do day conferences/meetings and then spends the rest of the evening trying to get his actual work done. Of course going out to eat and drinking doesn’t help but he isn’t out boozing all night.

When he is on the west coast he is waking up at east coast hours and going to bed on west coast hours. So getting way less sleep.

He definitely washes his hands enough. He is a germaphobe.

So it’s completely understandable that he is sick, you know he’s not faking, and you’re pretty much just acting like a selfish AH? You need therapy.

Sorry, when you're the parent to multiple children, you don't get to just peace out when you have some sniffles and a headache. Take some meds and do your part. The world would literally fall apart if women coddled themselves the way men do when they're sick. You'd think they had the bubonic plague.

Their children are in elementary school. A sick parent can rest. Plus, didn’t we learn anything from Covid? It’s okay not to interact with everyone while sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - the problem is when he travels he has to do day conferences/meetings and then spends the rest of the evening trying to get his actual work done. Of course going out to eat and drinking doesn’t help but he isn’t out boozing all night.

When he is on the west coast he is waking up at east coast hours and going to bed on west coast hours. So getting way less sleep.

He definitely washes his hands enough. He is a germaphobe.

So it’s completely understandable that he is sick, you know he’s not faking, and you’re pretty much just acting like a selfish AH? You need therapy.

Sorry, when you're the parent to multiple children, you don't get to just peace out when you have some sniffles and a headache. Take some meds and do your part. The world would literally fall apart if women coddled themselves the way men do when they're sick. You'd think they had the bubonic plague.

I've been so sick a few times in the 15 years we've had kids and I have definitely peaced out for a few days as needed and my husband did everything. I do the same for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often does he travel? Every month? Is he taking advantage of his sniffles? Is he still working thru the man cold?

OP - he travels every month or so. At the minimum every quarter. I try and have empathy but its hard because stuff still needs to get done and then I have to do it all. I power through when I have a migraine or any sickness that isn't completely debilitating. Its what parents do when they have young kids who can't function on their own.

Agree. Women with children have to power through in order to keep the family afloat and moving forward.

Too many husbands dump everything on their wives too much and too frequently.

Not me. I'm a woman and a mom and when I'm sick, my husband steps up. We've both covered for the other when sick, when work is stressful, when we're out of town, etc.

OP, he may not understand the burden it's putting on you to do everything while he's gone and then when he's back. Of course, these are work trips, and he's working, but you are also working harder while he's gone. When he gets back it's fair to say I know you don't feel well but I really need you to do X. Or once he's feeling better he steps up more and you get some time off. I don't like bean counting so I have no idea who has been sick more/who has done more, but my husband and I just take turns stepping up as needed. Maybe your husband needs to understand that he has to do the same.

Let's be so for real about his situation vs hers. He's staying in a swank hotel with no kids to wake him up in the middle of the night and all meals prepared for him. She's doing the daily grind at work AND the second shift with no assistance from him.

I'm a woman and I hate traveling for work. It is way worse than being at home. Also, how many times are you awoken in the middle of the night once your kids are over 6 months old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not washing his hands or using hand sanitizer and touching all kinds of germy crap at the airport and hotels and then eating. He's nasty.

Interesting how you ended your comment with "He's nasty". You didn't ask any questions. You made an assumption that "He's not washing his hands or using hand sanitizer and touching all kinds of germy crap at the airport and hotels and then eating". And then you made a negative comment based on an assumption that you created.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

She works too, you illiterate.

I neither stated nor implied that she didn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often does he travel? Every month? Is he taking advantage of his sniffles? Is he still working thru the man cold?

OP - he travels every month or so. At the minimum every quarter. I try and have empathy but its hard because stuff still needs to get done and then I have to do it all. I power through when I have a migraine or any sickness that isn't completely debilitating. Its what parents do when they have young kids who can't function on their own.

Agree. Women with children have to power through in order to keep the family afloat and moving forward.

Too many husbands dump everything on their wives too much and too frequently.

Not me. I'm a woman and a mom and when I'm sick, my husband steps up. We've both covered for the other when sick, when work is stressful, when we're out of town, etc.

OP, he may not understand the burden it's putting on you to do everything while he's gone and then when he's back. Of course, these are work trips, and he's working, but you are also working harder while he's gone. When he gets back it's fair to say I know you don't feel well but I really need you to do X. Or once he's feeling better he steps up more and you get some time off. I don't like bean counting so I have no idea who has been sick more/who has done more, but my husband and I just take turns stepping up as needed. Maybe your husband needs to understand that he has to do the same.

Let's be so for real about his situation vs hers. He's staying in a swank hotel with no kids to wake him up in the middle of the night and all meals prepared for him. She's doing the daily grind at work AND the second shift with no assistance from him.

I'm a woman and I hate traveling for work. It is way worse than being at home. Also, how many times are you awoken in the middle of the night once your kids are over 6 months old?

This. Work travel SUCKS. Being sick SUCKS. These idiots acting like it’s a walk in the park compared to “supervising homework” are out of their freaking minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

I’m the PP who is also married to a law firm partner. It’s not tragic but it’s absolutely not the life I would have chosen if I knew what was coming when we got married, and it’s a life I think is bad for my husband even more than for myself. It is not at all uncommon for him to end up working 12-16 hours over a weekend, often with little notice, so he never wants to make plans in case we end up having to cancel them. We spend very little time together and a lot of it is him talking about how miserable he is. It is frustrating when someone makes this type of life choices and then, when very unsurprisingly it results in them being tired and run down, you are expected to fix that regardless of what you have going on.

I think all the time about how I would feel if he was a brain surgeon or some other type of doctor who was actively saving lives by working this hard and I feel like that would at least be better because maybe he would be more fulfilled and we would both feel like it’s more worth it? But he’s not, just making a lot of money for people who already have a lot of money. We try to save a lot and maybe we can retire early and help our kids so there will be some value there but it’s not a given at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not washing his hands or using hand sanitizer and touching all kinds of germy crap at the airport and hotels and then eating. He's nasty.

Interesting how you ended your comment with "He's nasty". You didn't ask any questions. You made an assumption that "He's not washing his hands or using hand sanitizer and touching all kinds of germy crap at the airport and hotels and then eating". And then you made a negative comment based on an assumption that you created.

NP-How do you think people get sick? What other logical explanation is there for someone who is healthy at home and mysteriously comes down with a virus every time he travels?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

I’m the PP who is also married to a law firm partner. It’s not tragic but it’s absolutely not the life I would have chosen if I knew what was coming when we got married, and it’s a life I think is bad for my husband even more than for myself. It is not at all uncommon for him to end up working 12-16 hours over a weekend, often with little notice, so he never wants to make plans in case we end up having to cancel them. We spend very little time together and a lot of it is him talking about how miserable he is. It is frustrating when someone makes this type of life choices and then, when very unsurprisingly it results in them being tired and run down, you are expected to fix that regardless of what you have going on.

I think all the time about how I would feel if he was a brain surgeon or some other type of doctor who was actively saving lives by working this hard and I feel like that would at least be better because maybe he would be more fulfilled and we would both feel like it’s more worth it? But he’s not, just making a lot of money for people who already have a lot of money. We try to save a lot and maybe we can retire early and help our kids so there will be some value there but it’s not a given at this point.

Sorry, but he can quit and find another job. I'm a lawyer and I did the kind of work he does with the hours and the pay and I decided that it wasn't good for me or my family. I'm a woman, not that it matters. But I quit and found another job with a much better schedule and yes, less pay. I get that the government isn't a great employer right now and many firms aren't expanding, but he had time to quit and do something else. Enjoy the money or be willing to give it up. It's really not that complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

I’m the PP who is also married to a law firm partner. It’s not tragic but it’s absolutely not the life I would have chosen if I knew what was coming when we got married, and it’s a life I think is bad for my husband even more than for myself. It is not at all uncommon for him to end up working 12-16 hours over a weekend, often with little notice, so he never wants to make plans in case we end up having to cancel them. We spend very little time together and a lot of it is him talking about how miserable he is. It is frustrating when someone makes this type of life choices and then, when very unsurprisingly it results in them being tired and run down, you are expected to fix that regardless of what you have going on.

I think all the time about how I would feel if he was a brain surgeon or some other type of doctor who was actively saving lives by working this hard and I feel like that would at least be better because maybe he would be more fulfilled and we would both feel like it’s more worth it? But he’s not, just making a lot of money for people who already have a lot of money. We try to save a lot and maybe we can retire early and help our kids so there will be some value there but it’s not a given at this point.

Sorry, but he can quit and find another job. I'm a lawyer and I did the kind of work he does with the hours and the pay and I decided that it wasn't good for me or my family. I'm a woman, not that it matters. But I quit and found another job with a much better schedule and yes, less pay. I get that the government isn't a great employer right now and many firms aren't expanding, but he had time to quit and do something else. Enjoy the money or be willing to give it up. It's really not that complicated.

Believe me I’m trying to convince him!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not washing his hands or using hand sanitizer and touching all kinds of germy crap at the airport and hotels and then eating. He's nasty.

Interesting how you ended your comment with "He's nasty". You didn't ask any questions. You made an assumption that "He's not washing his hands or using hand sanitizer and touching all kinds of germy crap at the airport and hotels and then eating". And then you made a negative comment based on an assumption that you created.

NP-How do you think people get sick? What other logical explanation is there for someone who is healthy at home and mysteriously comes down with a virus every time he travels?

You dumb, ma’am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s fine if he has the flu and needs a few nights of good rest. But during the daytime, he needs to take medicine and power through enough to do some things. Maybe he can’t get through the entire to do list but he can at least sit on the couch and watch the kids or put a load of laundry in. Parents don’t get to check out completely.

Elementary age do not need an adult on the couch “watching them”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

He makes half a million dollars a year, churning out formulaic legalese for clients, it’s not that much work.

But yes, the model of law partner is they work, spouse runs the house and usually doesn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

She works too, you illiterate.

But why??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

I’m the PP who is also married to a law firm partner. It’s not tragic but it’s absolutely not the life I would have chosen if I knew what was coming when we got married, and it’s a life I think is bad for my husband even more than for myself. It is not at all uncommon for him to end up working 12-16 hours over a weekend, often with little notice, so he never wants to make plans in case we end up having to cancel them. We spend very little time together and a lot of it is him talking about how miserable he is. It is frustrating when someone makes this type of life choices and then, when very unsurprisingly it results in them being tired and run down, you are expected to fix that regardless of what you have going on.

I think all the time about how I would feel if he was a brain surgeon or some other type of doctor who was actively saving lives by working this hard and I feel like that would at least be better because maybe he would be more fulfilled and we would both feel like it’s more worth it? But he’s not, just making a lot of money for people who already have a lot of money. We try to save a lot and maybe we can retire early and help our kids so there will be some value there but it’s not a given at this point.

Sorry, but he can quit and find another job. I'm a lawyer and I did the kind of work he does with the hours and the pay and I decided that it wasn't good for me or my family. I'm a woman, not that it matters. But I quit and found another job with a much better schedule and yes, less pay. I get that the government isn't a great employer right now and many firms aren't expanding, but he had time to quit and do something else. Enjoy the money or be willing to give it up. It's really not that complicated.

Her DH isn’t suddenly going to become all domestic and step up with a 9-5 job. He’s going to take up triathlons or something. He is not going to be happy going from cushy office work that is well paid, to the working parent slog unpaid. He will want to relax, he “earned” it.

The best model for families is the breadwinner, SAHP, period. And I say this as a working parent who was all in on equitable parenting with my spouse, who both work 9-5 jobs with flexibility. The dual income household was a mistake.