Zero empathy of the man cold

[Anonymous]

What a nasty wife. Poor guy…

[Anonymous]

Wait, your husband is actually sick? When I get a cold, my husband immediately and without any symptoms declares he is sick too. I thought that was the definition of a man cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

I’m the PP who is also married to a law firm partner. It’s not tragic but it’s absolutely not the life I would have chosen if I knew what was coming when we got married, and it’s a life I think is bad for my husband even more than for myself. It is not at all uncommon for him to end up working 12-16 hours over a weekend, often with little notice, so he never wants to make plans in case we end up having to cancel them. We spend very little time together and a lot of it is him talking about how miserable he is. It is frustrating when someone makes this type of life choices and then, when very unsurprisingly it results in them being tired and run down, you are expected to fix that regardless of what you have going on.

I think all the time about how I would feel if he was a brain surgeon or some other type of doctor who was actively saving lives by working this hard and I feel like that would at least be better because maybe he would be more fulfilled and we would both feel like it’s more worth it? But he’s not, just making a lot of money for people who already have a lot of money. We try to save a lot and maybe we can retire early and help our kids so there will be some value there but it’s not a given at this point.

Sorry, but he can quit and find another job. I'm a lawyer and I did the kind of work he does with the hours and the pay and I decided that it wasn't good for me or my family. I'm a woman, not that it matters. But I quit and found another job with a much better schedule and yes, less pay. I get that the government isn't a great employer right now and many firms aren't expanding, but he had time to quit and do something else. Enjoy the money or be willing to give it up. It's really not that complicated.

Her DH isn’t suddenly going to become all domestic and step up with a 9-5 job. He’s going to take up triathlons or something. He is not going to be happy going from cushy office work that is well paid, to the working parent slog unpaid. He will want to relax, he “earned” it.

The best model for families is the breadwinner, SAHP, period. And I say this as a working parent who was all in on equitable parenting with my spouse, who both work 9-5 jobs with flexibility. The dual income household was a mistake.

I disagree. The dual-income model (both earning close to what the other does, both relatively high earners) works very well for us. We've been equals since the day our twins were born (they had to be formula fed so my husband fed them as much as I did) and we have been 50/50 on all things since then. (Obviously there are some things that one of us does 100% on, but with the kids we are half and half). I can't imagine only one of us working and only one of us doing most of the childcare. Our kids know that they have two equal parents to whom they can turn for anything. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

[Anonymous]

Do him a huge favor and divorce now. He deserves a nice 20 something.

[Anonymous]

Zero empathy of the woman period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

I’m the PP who is also married to a law firm partner. It’s not tragic but it’s absolutely not the life I would have chosen if I knew what was coming when we got married, and it’s a life I think is bad for my husband even more than for myself. It is not at all uncommon for him to end up working 12-16 hours over a weekend, often with little notice, so he never wants to make plans in case we end up having to cancel them. We spend very little time together and a lot of it is him talking about how miserable he is. It is frustrating when someone makes this type of life choices and then, when very unsurprisingly it results in them being tired and run down, you are expected to fix that regardless of what you have going on.

I think all the time about how I would feel if he was a brain surgeon or some other type of doctor who was actively saving lives by working this hard and I feel like that would at least be better because maybe he would be more fulfilled and we would both feel like it’s more worth it? But he’s not, just making a lot of money for people who already have a lot of money. We try to save a lot and maybe we can retire early and help our kids so there will be some value there but it’s not a given at this point.

Sorry, but he can quit and find another job. I'm a lawyer and I did the kind of work he does with the hours and the pay and I decided that it wasn't good for me or my family. I'm a woman, not that it matters. But I quit and found another job with a much better schedule and yes, less pay. I get that the government isn't a great employer right now and many firms aren't expanding, but he had time to quit and do something else. Enjoy the money or be willing to give it up. It's really not that complicated.

Her DH isn’t suddenly going to become all domestic and step up with a 9-5 job. He’s going to take up triathlons or something. He is not going to be happy going from cushy office work that is well paid, to the working parent slog unpaid. He will want to relax, he “earned” it.

The best model for families is the breadwinner, SAHP, period. And I say this as a working parent who was all in on equitable parenting with my spouse, who both work 9-5 jobs with flexibility. The dual income household was a mistake.

I agree. I was married to a doctor. In no way could both of us work without hiring full-time staff. I wanted to be home with the kids and did not want a nanny. I did NOT begrudge my friends who did. I did work part-time when the children were older but it was an easy job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

I’m the PP who is also married to a law firm partner. It’s not tragic but it’s absolutely not the life I would have chosen if I knew what was coming when we got married, and it’s a life I think is bad for my husband even more than for myself. It is not at all uncommon for him to end up working 12-16 hours over a weekend, often with little notice, so he never wants to make plans in case we end up having to cancel them. We spend very little time together and a lot of it is him talking about how miserable he is. It is frustrating when someone makes this type of life choices and then, when very unsurprisingly it results in them being tired and run down, you are expected to fix that regardless of what you have going on.

I think all the time about how I would feel if he was a brain surgeon or some other type of doctor who was actively saving lives by working this hard and I feel like that would at least be better because maybe he would be more fulfilled and we would both feel like it’s more worth it? But he’s not, just making a lot of money for people who already have a lot of money. We try to save a lot and maybe we can retire early and help our kids so there will be some value there but it’s not a given at this point.

Sorry, but he can quit and find another job. I'm a lawyer and I did the kind of work he does with the hours and the pay and I decided that it wasn't good for me or my family. I'm a woman, not that it matters. But I quit and found another job with a much better schedule and yes, less pay. I get that the government isn't a great employer right now and many firms aren't expanding, but he had time to quit and do something else. Enjoy the money or be willing to give it up. It's really not that complicated.

Her DH isn’t suddenly going to become all domestic and step up with a 9-5 job. He’s going to take up triathlons or something. He is not going to be happy going from cushy office work that is well paid, to the working parent slog unpaid. He will want to relax, he “earned” it.

The best model for families is the breadwinner, SAHP, period. And I say this as a working parent who was all in on equitable parenting with my spouse, who both work 9-5 jobs with flexibility. The dual income household was a mistake.

I disagree. The dual-income model (both earning close to what the other does, both relatively high earners) works very well for us. We've been equals since the day our twins were born (they had to be formula fed so my husband fed them as much as I did) and we have been 50/50 on all things since then. (Obviously there are some things that one of us does 100% on, but with the kids we are half and half). I can't imagine only one of us working and only one of us doing most of the childcare. Our kids know that they have two equal parents to whom they can turn for anything. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

You both work FT? How does your day work? Who gets home and picks up kids, makes dinner, gets them to activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

I’m the PP who is also married to a law firm partner. It’s not tragic but it’s absolutely not the life I would have chosen if I knew what was coming when we got married, and it’s a life I think is bad for my husband even more than for myself. It is not at all uncommon for him to end up working 12-16 hours over a weekend, often with little notice, so he never wants to make plans in case we end up having to cancel them. We spend very little time together and a lot of it is him talking about how miserable he is. It is frustrating when someone makes this type of life choices and then, when very unsurprisingly it results in them being tired and run down, you are expected to fix that regardless of what you have going on.

I think all the time about how I would feel if he was a brain surgeon or some other type of doctor who was actively saving lives by working this hard and I feel like that would at least be better because maybe he would be more fulfilled and we would both feel like it’s more worth it? But he’s not, just making a lot of money for people who already have a lot of money. We try to save a lot and maybe we can retire early and help our kids so there will be some value there but it’s not a given at this point.

Sorry, but he can quit and find another job. I'm a lawyer and I did the kind of work he does with the hours and the pay and I decided that it wasn't good for me or my family. I'm a woman, not that it matters. But I quit and found another job with a much better schedule and yes, less pay. I get that the government isn't a great employer right now and many firms aren't expanding, but he had time to quit and do something else. Enjoy the money or be willing to give it up. It's really not that complicated.

Her DH isn’t suddenly going to become all domestic and step up with a 9-5 job. He’s going to take up triathlons or something. He is not going to be happy going from cushy office work that is well paid, to the working parent slog unpaid. He will want to relax, he “earned” it.

The best model for families is the breadwinner, SAHP, period. And I say this as a working parent who was all in on equitable parenting with my spouse, who both work 9-5 jobs with flexibility. The dual income household was a mistake.

I feel like this sometimes when the dual working parent thing feels like a slog, but then I’ve seen a lot of job loss over the past year and thankfully these are friends with dual incomes so they still have 1 paycheck keeping them afloat.

I didn’t grow up with wealth (in fact I was the first in my family to graduate college). So the thought of giving up my income potential is more anxiety-inducing than working. Also, I grew up with a SAHM and she was very adamant about me having my own education and career FWIW.

In my mind the dream setup is a breadwinner + a spouse with a lower paying, but flexible and/or part time job who has their foot in the door of the industry and can ramp up as kids get older or as otherwise needed.

Unfortunately this country doesn’t have the necessary safety nets for most families to count on just 1 job unless that person is a super high earner and saver/investor early on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

I’m the PP who is also married to a law firm partner. It’s not tragic but it’s absolutely not the life I would have chosen if I knew what was coming when we got married, and it’s a life I think is bad for my husband even more than for myself. It is not at all uncommon for him to end up working 12-16 hours over a weekend, often with little notice, so he never wants to make plans in case we end up having to cancel them. We spend very little time together and a lot of it is him talking about how miserable he is. It is frustrating when someone makes this type of life choices and then, when very unsurprisingly it results in them being tired and run down, you are expected to fix that regardless of what you have going on.

I think all the time about how I would feel if he was a brain surgeon or some other type of doctor who was actively saving lives by working this hard and I feel like that would at least be better because maybe he would be more fulfilled and we would both feel like it’s more worth it? But he’s not, just making a lot of money for people who already have a lot of money. We try to save a lot and maybe we can retire early and help our kids so there will be some value there but it’s not a given at this point.

Sorry, but he can quit and find another job. I'm a lawyer and I did the kind of work he does with the hours and the pay and I decided that it wasn't good for me or my family. I'm a woman, not that it matters. But I quit and found another job with a much better schedule and yes, less pay. I get that the government isn't a great employer right now and many firms aren't expanding, but he had time to quit and do something else. Enjoy the money or be willing to give it up. It's really not that complicated.

Her DH isn’t suddenly going to become all domestic and step up with a 9-5 job. He’s going to take up triathlons or something. He is not going to be happy going from cushy office work that is well paid, to the working parent slog unpaid. He will want to relax, he “earned” it.

The best model for families is the breadwinner, SAHP, period. And I say this as a working parent who was all in on equitable parenting with my spouse, who both work 9-5 jobs with flexibility. The dual income household was a mistake.

I disagree. The dual-income model (both earning close to what the other does, both relatively high earners) works very well for us. We've been equals since the day our twins were born (they had to be formula fed so my husband fed them as much as I did) and we have been 50/50 on all things since then. (Obviously there are some things that one of us does 100% on, but with the kids we are half and half). I can't imagine only one of us working and only one of us doing most of the childcare. Our kids know that they have two equal parents to whom they can turn for anything. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

You both work FT? How does your day work? Who gets home and picks up kids, makes dinner, gets them to activities?

DP, but for my family DH and I both have remote / hybrid with short commute jobs (respectively) and flexible hours. We stagger schedules so one person handles mornings and the other handles after school. We are both involved somewhat in the early evening though to divide and conquer kids in different places, coaching teams, driving carpool, etc. We can catch up at night or weekends if needed.

Dinners are simple. Breakfast for dinner, taco night, spaghetti night, baked potato bar, etc. plus usually a night or two of takeout or leftovers. We have 3 kids involved in a lot of stuff so we only eat all together 1-2 times per week. The other nights we eat in shifts, but the kids often go to each other’s games and we do family movie nights, etc. so we still get in time together even if not at the dinner table each night.

Cleaning is outsourced. Laundry is on a schedule with kids increasingly involved as they get older. It can be exhausting at times, but has gotten a lot easier as the kids become older and more independent. They are even helpful at times now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

I’m the PP who is also married to a law firm partner. It’s not tragic but it’s absolutely not the life I would have chosen if I knew what was coming when we got married, and it’s a life I think is bad for my husband even more than for myself. It is not at all uncommon for him to end up working 12-16 hours over a weekend, often with little notice, so he never wants to make plans in case we end up having to cancel them. We spend very little time together and a lot of it is him talking about how miserable he is. It is frustrating when someone makes this type of life choices and then, when very unsurprisingly it results in them being tired and run down, you are expected to fix that regardless of what you have going on.

I think all the time about how I would feel if he was a brain surgeon or some other type of doctor who was actively saving lives by working this hard and I feel like that would at least be better because maybe he would be more fulfilled and we would both feel like it’s more worth it? But he’s not, just making a lot of money for people who already have a lot of money. We try to save a lot and maybe we can retire early and help our kids so there will be some value there but it’s not a given at this point.

Sorry, but he can quit and find another job. I'm a lawyer and I did the kind of work he does with the hours and the pay and I decided that it wasn't good for me or my family. I'm a woman, not that it matters. But I quit and found another job with a much better schedule and yes, less pay. I get that the government isn't a great employer right now and many firms aren't expanding, but he had time to quit and do something else. Enjoy the money or be willing to give it up. It's really not that complicated.

Her DH isn’t suddenly going to become all domestic and step up with a 9-5 job. He’s going to take up triathlons or something. He is not going to be happy going from cushy office work that is well paid, to the working parent slog unpaid. He will want to relax, he “earned” it.

The best model for families is the breadwinner, SAHP, period. And I say this as a working parent who was all in on equitable parenting with my spouse, who both work 9-5 jobs with flexibility. The dual income household was a mistake.

I feel like this sometimes when the dual working parent thing feels like a slog, but then I’ve seen a lot of job loss over the past year and thankfully these are friends with dual incomes so they still have 1 paycheck keeping them afloat.

I didn’t grow up with wealth (in fact I was the first in my family to graduate college). So the thought of giving up my income potential is more anxiety-inducing than working. Also, I grew up with a SAHM and she was very adamant about me having my own education and career FWIW.

In my mind the dream setup is a breadwinner + a spouse with a lower paying, but flexible and/or part time job who has their foot in the door of the industry and can ramp up as kids get older or as otherwise needed.

Unfortunately this country doesn’t have the necessary safety nets for most families to count on just 1 job unless that person is a super high earner and saver/investor early on.

Like OP’s husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

I’m the PP who is also married to a law firm partner. It’s not tragic but it’s absolutely not the life I would have chosen if I knew what was coming when we got married, and it’s a life I think is bad for my husband even more than for myself. It is not at all uncommon for him to end up working 12-16 hours over a weekend, often with little notice, so he never wants to make plans in case we end up having to cancel them. We spend very little time together and a lot of it is him talking about how miserable he is. It is frustrating when someone makes this type of life choices and then, when very unsurprisingly it results in them being tired and run down, you are expected to fix that regardless of what you have going on.

I think all the time about how I would feel if he was a brain surgeon or some other type of doctor who was actively saving lives by working this hard and I feel like that would at least be better because maybe he would be more fulfilled and we would both feel like it’s more worth it? But he’s not, just making a lot of money for people who already have a lot of money. We try to save a lot and maybe we can retire early and help our kids so there will be some value there but it’s not a given at this point.

Sorry, but he can quit and find another job. I'm a lawyer and I did the kind of work he does with the hours and the pay and I decided that it wasn't good for me or my family. I'm a woman, not that it matters. But I quit and found another job with a much better schedule and yes, less pay. I get that the government isn't a great employer right now and many firms aren't expanding, but he had time to quit and do something else. Enjoy the money or be willing to give it up. It's really not that complicated.

Her DH isn’t suddenly going to become all domestic and step up with a 9-5 job. He’s going to take up triathlons or something. He is not going to be happy going from cushy office work that is well paid, to the working parent slog unpaid. He will want to relax, he “earned” it.

The best model for families is the breadwinner, SAHP, period. And I say this as a working parent who was all in on equitable parenting with my spouse, who both work 9-5 jobs with flexibility. The dual income household was a mistake.

I feel like this sometimes when the dual working parent thing feels like a slog, but then I’ve seen a lot of job loss over the past year and thankfully these are friends with dual incomes so they still have 1 paycheck keeping them afloat.

I didn’t grow up with wealth (in fact I was the first in my family to graduate college). So the thought of giving up my income potential is more anxiety-inducing than working. Also, I grew up with a SAHM and she was very adamant about me having my own education and career FWIW.

In my mind the dream setup is a breadwinner + a spouse with a lower paying, but flexible and/or part time job who has their foot in the door of the industry and can ramp up as kids get older or as otherwise needed.

Unfortunately this country doesn’t have the necessary safety nets for most families to count on just 1 job unless that person is a super high earner and saver/investor early on.

OP DH makes $500k-$750k PER YEAR.

One year of work you have a better safety net then majority of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

I’m the PP who is also married to a law firm partner. It’s not tragic but it’s absolutely not the life I would have chosen if I knew what was coming when we got married, and it’s a life I think is bad for my husband even more than for myself. It is not at all uncommon for him to end up working 12-16 hours over a weekend, often with little notice, so he never wants to make plans in case we end up having to cancel them. We spend very little time together and a lot of it is him talking about how miserable he is. It is frustrating when someone makes this type of life choices and then, when very unsurprisingly it results in them being tired and run down, you are expected to fix that regardless of what you have going on.

I think all the time about how I would feel if he was a brain surgeon or some other type of doctor who was actively saving lives by working this hard and I feel like that would at least be better because maybe he would be more fulfilled and we would both feel like it’s more worth it? But he’s not, just making a lot of money for people who already have a lot of money. We try to save a lot and maybe we can retire early and help our kids so there will be some value there but it’s not a given at this point.

Sorry, but he can quit and find another job. I'm a lawyer and I did the kind of work he does with the hours and the pay and I decided that it wasn't good for me or my family. I'm a woman, not that it matters. But I quit and found another job with a much better schedule and yes, less pay. I get that the government isn't a great employer right now and many firms aren't expanding, but he had time to quit and do something else. Enjoy the money or be willing to give it up. It's really not that complicated.

Her DH isn’t suddenly going to become all domestic and step up with a 9-5 job. He’s going to take up triathlons or something. He is not going to be happy going from cushy office work that is well paid, to the working parent slog unpaid. He will want to relax, he “earned” it.

The best model for families is the breadwinner, SAHP, period. And I say this as a working parent who was all in on equitable parenting with my spouse, who both work 9-5 jobs with flexibility. The dual income household was a mistake.

I disagree. The dual-income model (both earning close to what the other does, both relatively high earners) works very well for us. We've been equals since the day our twins were born (they had to be formula fed so my husband fed them as much as I did) and we have been 50/50 on all things since then. (Obviously there are some things that one of us does 100% on, but with the kids we are half and half). I can't imagine only one of us working and only one of us doing most of the childcare. Our kids know that they have two equal parents to whom they can turn for anything. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

You both work FT? How does your day work? Who gets home and picks up kids, makes dinner, gets them to activities?

DP, but for my family DH and I both have remote / hybrid with short commute jobs (respectively) and flexible hours. We stagger schedules so one person handles mornings and the other handles after school. We are both involved somewhat in the early evening though to divide and conquer kids in different places, coaching teams, driving carpool, etc. We can catch up at night or weekends if needed.

Dinners are simple. Breakfast for dinner, taco night, spaghetti night, baked potato bar, etc. plus usually a night or two of takeout or leftovers. We have 3 kids involved in a lot of stuff so we only eat all together 1-2 times per week. The other nights we eat in shifts, but the kids often go to each other’s games and we do family movie nights, etc. so we still get in time together even if not at the dinner table each night.

Cleaning is outsourced. Laundry is on a schedule with kids increasingly involved as they get older. It can be exhausting at times, but has gotten a lot easier as the kids become older and more independent. They are even helpful at times now!

Oh if you both have mostly telework and flexible enough to have a short work day and then catch up at night, that can work. But hard to be sure to you will have that flexibility over the 15 years you need it. But basically you both effectively work part time if your days are that short; most FT workers also work after kids are in bed too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

I’m the PP who is also married to a law firm partner. It’s not tragic but it’s absolutely not the life I would have chosen if I knew what was coming when we got married, and it’s a life I think is bad for my husband even more than for myself. It is not at all uncommon for him to end up working 12-16 hours over a weekend, often with little notice, so he never wants to make plans in case we end up having to cancel them. We spend very little time together and a lot of it is him talking about how miserable he is. It is frustrating when someone makes this type of life choices and then, when very unsurprisingly it results in them being tired and run down, you are expected to fix that regardless of what you have going on.

I think all the time about how I would feel if he was a brain surgeon or some other type of doctor who was actively saving lives by working this hard and I feel like that would at least be better because maybe he would be more fulfilled and we would both feel like it’s more worth it? But he’s not, just making a lot of money for people who already have a lot of money. We try to save a lot and maybe we can retire early and help our kids so there will be some value there but it’s not a given at this point.

Sorry, but he can quit and find another job. I'm a lawyer and I did the kind of work he does with the hours and the pay and I decided that it wasn't good for me or my family. I'm a woman, not that it matters. But I quit and found another job with a much better schedule and yes, less pay. I get that the government isn't a great employer right now and many firms aren't expanding, but he had time to quit and do something else. Enjoy the money or be willing to give it up. It's really not that complicated.

Her DH isn’t suddenly going to become all domestic and step up with a 9-5 job. He’s going to take up triathlons or something. He is not going to be happy going from cushy office work that is well paid, to the working parent slog unpaid. He will want to relax, he “earned” it.

The best model for families is the breadwinner, SAHP, period. And I say this as a working parent who was all in on equitable parenting with my spouse, who both work 9-5 jobs with flexibility. The dual income household was a mistake.

I disagree. The dual-income model (both earning close to what the other does, both relatively high earners) works very well for us. We've been equals since the day our twins were born (they had to be formula fed so my husband fed them as much as I did) and we have been 50/50 on all things since then. (Obviously there are some things that one of us does 100% on, but with the kids we are half and half). I can't imagine only one of us working and only one of us doing most of the childcare. Our kids know that they have two equal parents to whom they can turn for anything. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s fine if he has the flu and needs a few nights of good rest. But during the daytime, he needs to take medicine and power through enough to do some things. Maybe he can’t get through the entire to do list but he can at least sit on the couch and watch the kids or put a load of laundry in. Parents don’t get to check out completely.

"Do some things?" Like his job? Or are you suggesting that when he is sick enough to stay home from work, he should take medicine and watch the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP I thought I had written this. I get you 100 percent- my husband is also a lawyer and does the same thing about going to meetings all day and then working late. It sounds absolutely miserable to me and he hates it too and has pushed back and is traveling less now he’s slightly more established. I don’t have a ton of answers because I basically pressure my husband 24/7 to try and find a different job. Different firm or go in house or something! He’s miserable a lot of the time and asks a lot of the rest of us. The money is not even as much as you might think and is not worth it. I basically just want to validate that if he’s making these choices and you do not agree the trade offs are worth it you are entitled to that opinion. Many people would rather have a spouse who is a real partner than more money.

OP here - you make me feel seen. We have been at this a long time (DH is a young/new partner) and he wants to try and see if he will "make it" before he taps out. He makes good money (between $575-$775K depending on his bonuses) but it sure is A LOT of work for that money. There is no downtime or rest. Is it worth it? I don't know. He/we don't really have generational money to fall back on. We have 3 young kids and want to try and provide them with a cushion in life.

OMG poor little baby has to feed her kids dinner and do the laundry and walk the dog while her husband is off earning half a million a year.

What a tragic life.

I’m the PP who is also married to a law firm partner. It’s not tragic but it’s absolutely not the life I would have chosen if I knew what was coming when we got married, and it’s a life I think is bad for my husband even more than for myself. It is not at all uncommon for him to end up working 12-16 hours over a weekend, often with little notice, so he never wants to make plans in case we end up having to cancel them. We spend very little time together and a lot of it is him talking about how miserable he is. It is frustrating when someone makes this type of life choices and then, when very unsurprisingly it results in them being tired and run down, you are expected to fix that regardless of what you have going on.

I think all the time about how I would feel if he was a brain surgeon or some other type of doctor who was actively saving lives by working this hard and I feel like that would at least be better because maybe he would be more fulfilled and we would both feel like it’s more worth it? But he’s not, just making a lot of money for people who already have a lot of money. We try to save a lot and maybe we can retire early and help our kids so there will be some value there but it’s not a given at this point.

Sorry, but he can quit and find another job. I'm a lawyer and I did the kind of work he does with the hours and the pay and I decided that it wasn't good for me or my family. I'm a woman, not that it matters. But I quit and found another job with a much better schedule and yes, less pay. I get that the government isn't a great employer right now and many firms aren't expanding, but he had time to quit and do something else. Enjoy the money or be willing to give it up. It's really not that complicated.

Her DH isn’t suddenly going to become all domestic and step up with a 9-5 job. He’s going to take up triathlons or something. He is not going to be happy going from cushy office work that is well paid, to the working parent slog unpaid. He will want to relax, he “earned” it.

The best model for families is the breadwinner, SAHP, period. And I say this as a working parent who was all in on equitable parenting with my spouse, who both work 9-5 jobs with flexibility. The dual income household was a mistake.

Ahhh, another jerk who states their opinion like it's fact.

Nope. The kids are little for a short period and there are many of us who found good partners who know how to work as a team through that limited period when the kids are young and things are hard. Then kids get older and they can do chores too and don't need the same constant supervision and the wife still hasn't lost her earning potential or missed out on a fulfilling career that she worked just as hard as her husband to secure before they had kids.