Agreed to a move for DH’s promotion with one condition. Now that condition is gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are big so independent but they won't see their dad on weekdays. No going to a game, playing catch, bike ride after school. No taking them to an activity where they actually open up in the car. I wouldn't want this.

This would be my main concern, and my DH would be looking for a new job. Yes, it will be annoying to be doing the homework/dinner/bedtime thing solo, but your kids should absolutely be doing much of this themselves. But they will never see their dad! And it’s not just the mundane house chores, teenagers come with their own challenges, like learning executive function skills, learning how to drive, college applications, getting a part time job in the summers etc. He won’t be around for any of the important conversations. When he goes to bed at 1am, he won’t be able to wake up every day at 6 to see the kids in the morning either, especially if he is a doctor, he can’t go into his shift exhausted. It sounds like he will leave for work before they get home from school, so he will basically not see them during the week.

There are a lot of doctors in my family, but I don’t know any who work the late shift like this every single workday. It’s a rotation. The move into city limits doesn’t really make sense with this either. I’d have him look for other jobs if he wants to spend any meaningful time with his kids before they leave for college.

Move to the city limits is probably because he needs to be close to the hospital (if he is a trauma surgeon for example.)

I think the law enforcement guess may be more on track. Usually the only jobs that have a requirement to live within a certain boundary are local government.

[Anonymous]

I think you are a whiner. Seriously. This is not a big deal. People in my family are doctors. Doctors today have easier schedules than previous generations. Doctors dads did zero kid stuff. My mom saw her dad once a week at Sunday dinner. My cousins never saw their dads. You must be millennial or Gen Z. (I am late 40s).

Grow up! Your husband has a high paying, stable, and noble profession. Most people deal with career uncertainty their whole lives in other kinds of work. You are acting like a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a physician, presumably? My friend that's an ER doc perfers the PM rotations.

Hire help, easy peasy.

My Dad was a doctor and while he did some late shifts, the schedule described here wouldn't be typical for someone old enough to have a kid in high school. Dad would break up those shifts and be very very on with us when he wasn't working.

I'm not sure what you mean...I have a kid in high school and my friend is an ER doctor with this schedule and kids. She prefers it...

Not everyone likes to spend time with their spouse and kids. Many feel overwhelmed by it and rather work longer hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get this “I need to get even” attitude in married couples. How will your marriage last?

This^.

[Anonymous]

Include me in the list of people who had sympathy until I saw your kids ages. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but I get the sense you think your husband was dishonest about this as the possible outcome and that is why you are upset. You can figure out the child care stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a military wife, I’ve had to lean into the family tremendously. He was deployed for a year when the kids were a baby and toddler and again when they were preK and K. Now my kids are teens and he travels a lot for work. But I just make it work. I carpool when I can, cancel practice when I can’t be two places at once. Order out to eat on busy nights. Have the kids do more chores. It’s very doable OP.

The question isn’t whether or not it’s doable. Presumably you signed up for that life. OP didn’t. I don’t think she’s trying to figure out how to parent with teens. I think she wants to see her spouse and I would agree. If they explicitly talked about the schedule and that’s now changed another discussion should be had.

OP said: I’m less interested in whether the job should or shouldn’t exist this way (that ship has sailed) and more interested in how people have drawn new lines or created support so the at-home spouse isn’t carrying 100% of weekday family logistics.

The military wife and a few other PPs actually offer the advice OP asked for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are big so independent but they won't see their dad on weekdays. No going to a game, playing catch, bike ride after school. No taking them to an activity where they actually open up in the car. I wouldn't want this.

This would be my main concern, and my DH would be looking for a new job. Yes, it will be annoying to be doing the homework/dinner/bedtime thing solo, but your kids should absolutely be doing much of this themselves. But they will never see their dad! And it’s not just the mundane house chores, teenagers come with their own challenges, like learning executive function skills, learning how to drive, college applications, getting a part time job in the summers etc. He won’t be around for any of the important conversations. When he goes to bed at 1am, he won’t be able to wake up every day at 6 to see the kids in the morning either, especially if he is a doctor, he can’t go into his shift exhausted. It sounds like he will leave for work before they get home from school, so he will basically not see them during the week.

There are a lot of doctors in my family, but I don’t know any who work the late shift like this every single workday. It’s a rotation. The move into city limits doesn’t really make sense with this either. I’d have him look for other jobs if he wants to spend any meaningful time with his kids before they leave for college.

Move to the city limits is probably because he needs to be close to the hospital (if he is a trauma surgeon for example.)

I think the law enforcement guess may be more on track. Usually the only jobs that have a requirement to live within a certain boundary are local government.

Question whether that would pay for private for two kids.

[Anonymous]

This can’t be a real post. Your concern is whether your husband broke his word (when employers control so much) and shuffling a middle schooler and high schooler?

You failed to mention any care about your husband staying up so late consistently. No care about him reducing time with the kids. No care about the effect on the kids. It’s all me me me me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

I have a high schooler who doesn’t drive yet, and a 6th grader.

Your kids are old enough to make this work. The biggest issue is going to be driving and everything else can be worked out. Find some carpools and simplify the dinner routine. Kids do their own laundry. DH takes over mornings and you can use that time to go to they gym etc. Outsource what you need to. This is entirely doable - you are past the heavy lifting at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are big so independent but they won't see their dad on weekdays. No going to a game, playing catch, bike ride after school. No taking them to an activity where they actually open up in the car. I wouldn't want this.

This would be my main concern, and my DH would be looking for a new job. Yes, it will be annoying to be doing the homework/dinner/bedtime thing solo, but your kids should absolutely be doing much of this themselves. But they will never see their dad! And it’s not just the mundane house chores, teenagers come with their own challenges, like learning executive function skills, learning how to drive, college applications, getting a part time job in the summers etc. He won’t be around for any of the important conversations. When he goes to bed at 1am, he won’t be able to wake up every day at 6 to see the kids in the morning either, especially if he is a doctor, he can’t go into his shift exhausted. It sounds like he will leave for work before they get home from school, so he will basically not see them during the week.

There are a lot of doctors in my family, but I don’t know any who work the late shift like this every single workday. It’s a rotation. The move into city limits doesn’t really make sense with this either. I’d have him look for other jobs if he wants to spend any meaningful time with his kids before they leave for college.

Move to the city limits is probably because he needs to be close to the hospital (if he is a trauma surgeon for example.)

I think the law enforcement guess may be more on track. Usually the only jobs that have a requirement to live within a certain boundary are local government.

My neighbor is a trauma surgeon. He was required to live within 15 minutes from the hospital.

Those who suggest for the spouse to look for another job do not understand the realities of medical field. If you are highly specialized in one area, you are very limited in career. Even bigger cities like DC might only have 5 trauma surgeons. They are very high earners and very expensive for the hospitals to retain. Plus take into account years of training. If this wife has such a spouse, are you saying the husband doctor needs to change his job because she needs help with bedtime with middle and high schooler? To cook lunch and dinners?

Those who say that doctors had worse schedules in the past - my hubby is an ER doctor. You can have 20-25 patients during a 12 hour shift. That isn't normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

I have a high schooler who doesn’t drive yet, and a 6th grader.

Your kids are old enough to make this work. The biggest issue is going to be driving and everything else can be worked out. Find some carpools and simplify the dinner routine. Kids do their own laundry. DH takes over mornings and you can use that time to go to they gym etc. Outsource what you need to. This is entirely doable - you are past the heavy lifting at night.

He's unlikely to take over mornings because he'll.be sleep deprived.

The problem isn't when he's working, it's a whole schedule shift that's going to separate him from the rest of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are big so independent but they won't see their dad on weekdays. No going to a game, playing catch, bike ride after school. No taking them to an activity where they actually open up in the car. I wouldn't want this.

This would be my main concern, and my DH would be looking for a new job. Yes, it will be annoying to be doing the homework/dinner/bedtime thing solo, but your kids should absolutely be doing much of this themselves. But they will never see their dad! And it’s not just the mundane house chores, teenagers come with their own challenges, like learning executive function skills, learning how to drive, college applications, getting a part time job in the summers etc. He won’t be around for any of the important conversations. When he goes to bed at 1am, he won’t be able to wake up every day at 6 to see the kids in the morning either, especially if he is a doctor, he can’t go into his shift exhausted. It sounds like he will leave for work before they get home from school, so he will basically not see them during the week.

There are a lot of doctors in my family, but I don’t know any who work the late shift like this every single workday. It’s a rotation. The move into city limits doesn’t really make sense with this either. I’d have him look for other jobs if he wants to spend any meaningful time with his kids before they leave for college.

Move to the city limits is probably because he needs to be close to the hospital (if he is a trauma surgeon for example.)

I think the law enforcement guess may be more on track. Usually the only jobs that have a requirement to live within a certain boundary are local government.

My neighbor is a trauma surgeon. He was required to live within 15 minutes from the hospital.

Those who suggest for the spouse to look for another job do not understand the realities of medical field. If you are highly specialized in one area, you are very limited in career. Even bigger cities like DC might only have 5 trauma surgeons. They are very high earners and very expensive for the hospitals to retain. Plus take into account years of training. If this wife has such a spouse, are you saying the husband doctor needs to change his job because she needs help with bedtime with middle and high schooler? To cook lunch and dinners?

Those who say that doctors had worse schedules in the past - my hubby is an ER doctor. You can have 20-25 patients during a 12 hour shift. That isn't normal.

To be clear, OP never said this guy was a doctor. People just ran with that assumption.

[Anonymous]

Girllllllll 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are big so independent but they won't see their dad on weekdays. No going to a game, playing catch, bike ride after school. No taking them to an activity where they actually open up in the car. I wouldn't want this.

This would be my main concern, and my DH would be looking for a new job. Yes, it will be annoying to be doing the homework/dinner/bedtime thing solo, but your kids should absolutely be doing much of this themselves. But they will never see their dad! And it’s not just the mundane house chores, teenagers come with their own challenges, like learning executive function skills, learning how to drive, college applications, getting a part time job in the summers etc. He won’t be around for any of the important conversations. When he goes to bed at 1am, he won’t be able to wake up every day at 6 to see the kids in the morning either, especially if he is a doctor, he can’t go into his shift exhausted. It sounds like he will leave for work before they get home from school, so he will basically not see them during the week.

There are a lot of doctors in my family, but I don’t know any who work the late shift like this every single workday. It’s a rotation. The move into city limits doesn’t really make sense with this either. I’d have him look for other jobs if he wants to spend any meaningful time with his kids before they leave for college.

Move to the city limits is probably because he needs to be close to the hospital (if he is a trauma surgeon for example.)

I think the law enforcement guess may be more on track. Usually the only jobs that have a requirement to live within a certain boundary are local government.

My neighbor is a trauma surgeon. He was required to live within 15 minutes from the hospital.

Those who suggest for the spouse to look for another job do not understand the realities of medical field. If you are highly specialized in one area, you are very limited in career. Even bigger cities like DC might only have 5 trauma surgeons. They are very high earners and very expensive for the hospitals to retain. Plus take into account years of training. If this wife has such a spouse, are you saying the husband doctor needs to change his job because she needs help with bedtime with middle and high schooler? To cook lunch and dinners?

Those who say that doctors had worse schedules in the past - my hubby is an ER doctor. You can have 20-25 patients during a 12 hour shift. That isn't normal.

To be clear, OP never said this guy was a doctor. People just ran with that assumption.

Agree but 2 kids in private school + house in the city + shifts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are a whiner. Seriously. This is not a big deal. People in my family are doctors. Doctors today have easier schedules than previous generations. Doctors dads did zero kid stuff. My mom saw her dad once a week at Sunday dinner. My cousins never saw their dads. You must be millennial or Gen Z. (I am late 40s).

Grow up! Your husband has a high paying, stable, and noble profession. Most people deal with career uncertainty their whole lives in other kinds of work. You are acting like a toddler.

Being a doctor doesn't mean requiring spouse to sacrifice their personal and professional lives or kids to miss out on an involved father.