Agreed to a move for DH’s promotion with one condition. Now that condition is gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are big so independent but they won't see their dad on weekdays. No going to a game, playing catch, bike ride after school. No taking them to an activity where they actually open up in the car. I wouldn't want this.

+1. I have same age kids and the evenings are so busy- homework and various activities that they need transportation to (2 kids going different places on the same evening). It wouldn’t work for us to have one parent always absent in the evening. If this was how it always was, then we would have adjusted, but I can see why it’s hard for OP for the schedule change.

[Anonymous]

Hire help. A housekeeper is cheaper than a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

I have a high schooler who doesn’t drive yet, and a 6th grader.

And you have to help them with bedtime? They need to be more independent.

Back in high school my Dad would talk to me regularly about my homework and we would read books together. There are also activities like sports. Kids need parenting even in high school.

You have described the best part of being a parent. Some folks find reasons to complain about everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are big so independent but they won't see their dad on weekdays. No going to a game, playing catch, bike ride after school. No taking them to an activity where they actually open up in the car. I wouldn't want this.

This would be my main concern, and my DH would be looking for a new job. Yes, it will be annoying to be doing the homework/dinner/bedtime thing solo, but your kids should absolutely be doing much of this themselves. But they will never see their dad! And it’s not just the mundane house chores, teenagers come with their own challenges, like learning executive function skills, learning how to drive, college applications, getting a part time job in the summers etc. He won’t be around for any of the important conversations. When he goes to bed at 1am, he won’t be able to wake up every day at 6 to see the kids in the morning either, especially if he is a doctor, he can’t go into his shift exhausted. It sounds like he will leave for work before they get home from school, so he will basically not see them during the week.

There are a lot of doctors in my family, but I don’t know any who work the late shift like this every single workday. It’s a rotation. The move into city limits doesn’t really make sense with this either. I’d have him look for other jobs if he wants to spend any meaningful time with his kids before they leave for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a physician, presumably? My friend that's an ER doc perfers the PM rotations.

Hire help, easy peasy.

My Dad was a doctor and while he did some late shifts, the schedule described here wouldn't be typical for someone old enough to have a kid in high school. Dad would break up those shifts and be very very on with us when he wasn't working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a physician, presumably? My friend that's an ER doc perfers the PM rotations.

Hire help, easy peasy.

My Dad was a doctor and while he did some late shifts, the schedule described here wouldn't be typical for someone old enough to have a kid in high school. Dad would break up those shifts and be very very on with us when he wasn't working.

I'm not sure what you mean...I have a kid in high school and my friend is an ER doctor with this schedule and kids. She prefers it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a physician, presumably? My friend that's an ER doc perfers the PM rotations.

Hire help, easy peasy.

My Dad was a doctor and while he did some late shifts, the schedule described here wouldn't be typical for someone old enough to have a kid in high school. Dad would break up those shifts and be very very on with us when he wasn't working.

I'm not sure what you mean...I have a kid in high school and my friend is an ER doctor with this schedule and kids. She prefers it...

It's more common for those to be 3 day a week shifts. And they wouldn't be 5 days plus weekends.

[Anonymous]

He does some household chores and preps dinner before he goes to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids are big so independent but they won't see their dad on weekdays. No going to a game, playing catch, bike ride after school. No taking them to an activity where they actually open up in the car. I wouldn't want this.

This would be my main concern, and my DH would be looking for a new job. Yes, it will be annoying to be doing the homework/dinner/bedtime thing solo, but your kids should absolutely be doing much of this themselves. But they will never see their dad! And it’s not just the mundane house chores, teenagers come with their own challenges, like learning executive function skills, learning how to drive, college applications, getting a part time job in the summers etc. He won’t be around for any of the important conversations. When he goes to bed at 1am, he won’t be able to wake up every day at 6 to see the kids in the morning either, especially if he is a doctor, he can’t go into his shift exhausted. It sounds like he will leave for work before they get home from school, so he will basically not see them during the week.

There are a lot of doctors in my family, but I don’t know any who work the late shift like this every single workday. It’s a rotation. The move into city limits doesn’t really make sense with this either. I’d have him look for other jobs if he wants to spend any meaningful time with his kids before they leave for college.

Move to the city limits is probably because he needs to be close to the hospital (if he is a trauma surgeon for example.)

[Anonymous]

I’d be very annoyed that the job didn’t disclose this condition before he accepted it. And I’d ask my DH to look for a new job, as you said there’s no end in sight.

[Anonymous]

As a military wife, I’ve had to lean into the family tremendously. He was deployed for a year when the kids were a baby and toddler and again when they were preK and K. Now my kids are teens and he travels a lot for work. But I just make it work. I carpool when I can, cancel practice when I can’t be two places at once. Order out to eat on busy nights. Have the kids do more chores. It’s very doable OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a military wife, I’ve had to lean into the family tremendously. He was deployed for a year when the kids were a baby and toddler and again when they were preK and K. Now my kids are teens and he travels a lot for work. But I just make it work. I carpool when I can, cancel practice when I can’t be two places at once. Order out to eat on busy nights. Have the kids do more chores. It’s very doable OP.

The question isn’t whether or not it’s doable. Presumably you signed up for that life. OP didn’t. I don’t think she’s trying to figure out how to parent with teens. I think she wants to see her spouse and I would agree. If they explicitly talked about the schedule and that’s now changed another discussion should be had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently moved so my DH could take a new role at work that required him to live within city limits. It was a promotion and a meaningful raise, so overall it made sense for our family and we agreed to it. Our kids stayed at the same private school, so their day-to-day hasn’t changed much.

The tradeoff, though, was his schedule. He used to work a pretty standard M–F 9–5. In the new role he’s typically working until about 6pm and one weekend a month. I wasn’t thrilled about the change, but I agreed to the move with one clear boundary: he would not take the alternate shift that runs until midnight. My reasoning was pretty simple, if he’s gone every evening, the entire “hard” part of the weekday (dinner, homework, activities, bedtime, general household triage) becomes a solo operation for me. Morning help is nice, but it doesn’t offset that.

Well, now we’re being told he has to rotate into the midnight shift and there’s nothing he can do about it. Maybe that’s true. But from my vantage point it feels like the one condition under which I agreed to all of this has quietly evaporated. I’ll be honest that part of me wonders whether this was always likely and just not said out loud. I can’t prove that, though, so I’m trying not to spiral there.

Short of “leave the marriage,” which is not on the table, I’m trying to think practically about how to rebalance things so this doesn’t become an unsustainable setup for me. If you’ve been in a similar situation where one spouse’s schedule suddenly shifted heavily into evenings, what changes did you make to keep things manageable? Childcare? Household help? Different expectations around weekends? Something else I’m not thinking of?

I’m less interested in whether the job should or shouldn’t exist this way (that ship has sailed) and more interested in how people have drawn new lines or created support so the at-home spouse isn’t carrying 100% of weekday family logistics.

Just hire someone who can help with kids and cleaning. You can order food delivery on days you don't feel like it. Also cut some slack to your DH, he is working there not partying.

[Anonymous]

You can use for hired help for now and discuss if he can switch to another role next year or you can cut down your work hours.

[Anonymous]

The kids are old enough that this shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Maybe talk to some parents who have gone through deployments and try to get a little perspective.

If spouse is an ER doc, you and kids should be proud that he’s doing an important job. Don’t you want a good doctor working the midnight shift when something happens to you?