Agreed to a move for DH’s promotion with one condition. Now that condition is gone.

[Anonymous]

PP. Just read the ages of the kids involved. You won’t need a nanny, but you will need a commitment from your H to family time. The swing shift 5 days a week will make him all but invisible and put all the work on you. My point about his understanding of what this means for your family stands. You guys need to be a team on this one. Also I’d put a limit on this lifestyle. A few years tops. If you didn’t agree to raise kids as a married single mom you shouldn’t have to.

[Anonymous]

While he is on this shift until midnight, what can you expect him to do during the day while he is home? And, on his weekday days off? Does he share tasks currently? Obviously, you both need to make the best of this situation. Start by communicating your concerns.

[Anonymous]

That meaningful raise is nice though, right?

[Anonymous]

I’m assuming he is a physician and you probably have extra money. Get a cleaner and someone to meal prep for you, or a homework helper for the evening. You need to outsource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

I have a high schooler who doesn’t drive yet, and a 6th grader.

And you have to help them with bedtime? They need to be more independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe his job promised and reneged. Can you throw money at your biggest challenges? Such as more carry out, having groceries delivered, cleaning help, outsourcing laundry, tutor if you have to help with homework?

Yes, it sucks that it isn’t working out the way you want. I’m sure your dh isn’t thrilled to work that shift either.

The kids can do their own laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

I have a high schooler who doesn’t drive yet, and a 6th grader.

My kids are this age. I asked to go part-time at work, but am also considering quitting altogether. My spouse started a new job where he is constantly traveling, and I know what it’s like to be handling everything at home, even when the kids are older. Throw in a series of unexpected emergencies and repairs, and no telework, and I’ve reached a breaking point.

[Anonymous]

First off, this sucks for your family and you personally so I am sorry.

But, given your kids’ ages (aka not toddlers/young ES needing “help with bedtime”), in a way this means your family has MORE adult coverage by you and DH being spread out.

Think of tasks that DH can do when he’s home and awake - an easy one that I’d personally love is for DH to make dinner. Also grocery shop and/or laundry. Do the kids need a ride home from school, he could do that and bonus he gets a little face time with them- and related, drop them at after school activities or take them to appointments (and be the one in charge of making those appts). Or if his shift ends at 7am, he could drive the kids to school instead (the way many people pick up their kids when they get off work in the late afternoon).

You and DH should come up with a list of the various needs/tasks your family has during the week, and figure out how best to divide it up so that you each have tasks and hopefully a little personal time in your non working hours.

If you had little kids, I’d say hire an evening nanny. But your child situation is very different than that, and there’s no reason your DH can’t handle many of the family tasks when he is home (after sleeping) the same way that one would if they worked a day shift and had to take care of personal/family tasks when home.

[Anonymous]

Since yr DH is prob a doctor, throw money at the situation. Get a house cleaner, and order dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

I have a high schooler who doesn’t drive yet, and a 6th grader.

And you have to help them with bedtime? They need to be more independent.

Back in high school my Dad would talk to me regularly about my homework and we would read books together. There are also activities like sports. Kids need parenting even in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sound like something he can necessarily control. It was a weird condition to put in place if it's not something he gets to decide.

This is true, but he assured me before he signed on and we moved, that it wouldn’t be the case. He all but promised.

OMG you are quite the whiner if you are boo-hooing about this with a middle schooler and high schooler!

He can meal prep in the morning so dinner is off your plate. “Household triage” is incredibly vague so you don’t get credit for that.

[Anonymous]

Some of that "meaningful raise" needs to go toward house cleaners, so you can relax more in the evenings and focus on homework etc.

[Anonymous]

I was totally there with you on your post until you shared your children are middle/high schoolers. At this point they should be fairly independent, if not, this is a good opportunity to work on that. Is there an issue with driving? Such as one kid needs to be in one location at the same time while the other child needs to be at the opposite end of town at a similar time.
What is the hard part? Driving? Dinner? Something else?

[Anonymous]

The raise would have to be absolutely life changing for me to accept hours that crappy.

[Anonymous]

Working til midnight every night sounds awful for anyone. I'm not sure this was a fair condition to impose. When you say "rotation" I assume he works in a medical field.

My ex began traveling constantly for work when our oldest was barely out of diapers. If anything, his schedule kept our marriage together for decades past its expiration date because I didn't have to actually deal with him on a regular basis.

If you're also working, hire someone to do some of the driving. Or divorce if this situation is a non-negotiable and move back to from whence you came.

Just don't stew in resentment over a setup that's not going the way you had expected. You do have options and you have a right to be annoyed/disappointed, but now that this is a reality, you need to decide how you want to move forward.