16yo DD Refused to Enter School for Conference

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of you let your kids act like babies and run the show.

Op was treating her dd like a toddler, so the kid acted like a toddler.

I agree with the others that op should have figured out why the kid didn’t want to go. This was a low-stakes situation turned into a death-match power struggle. Op may have won this round, but I don’t see how this wasn’t damaging to their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[url]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this was probably a common teen attention grab or power play, and the correct move would have been not to engage. It wasn't a big deal if she went to the conference or not. Maybe that's not typical for a kid to not want to go to a conference, but it's also not normal for parents to react with this level of escalation. You guys turned it into a HUGE deal. She now realizes she can make life very difficult for you guys, and even if you end up getting your way, in the end it's not worth it. Instead, you could have given a simple consequence if her attending the conference was that important (it probably wasn't). Either she go or lose some small privilege for the week. Then I would have stuck to the consequence, with no arguing, yelling, or getting angry.

More likely she nows realizes her parents do not care how she feels. They certainly do not care to find out why she didn’t want to go.

That’s her takeaway and she will remember it.

Poorly handled, OP.

lol. If I stopped the presses every time my teen “felt” something, we’d be at a standstill. Feelings are just feelings.

And you don’t care? Nice.

That’s right. I don’t think every feeling deserves a care.

But if they do process their feelings and move forward, I acknowledge that and appreciate it.

But you don’t recognize their feelings and help them at that moment and afterwards? They are on their own and only if they figure it out by themselves do you give them the thumbs up?

We have a set of known expectations for the kids. You are expected to go to doctor appointments, school appointments, grandmas house, etc. Stuff like that. You can have feelings about it. You are expected to walk through and manage those feelings. I can’t manage those feelings for you. So yes, they need to figure them out on their own and, yes, I will give them a thumbs up.

School conferences are not mandatory. In fact in HS, rarely anyone goes to them. Most normal parents know how their kids are doing academically and there is no need to go ask teachers. DD under the circumstances described obviously didn't want to go because it would show to teachers that her parents are not normal.

It doesn’t matter. The school strongly recommended it and the parents required it. That’s it.

Nonsense. The school "recommends" it because they have to do it due to teachers' contract. Nobody normal goes to HS conferences. You're either too old or too young to know how it works in HS.

DP and this entire situation is odd.

The school got having HS conferences.

The mom for insisting and calling dad for back up.

DD for overreacting.

Dad for actually driving to the school.

EVERYONE behaved poorly and not age appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a brat. She had to go, she tried to hide, and act like a two year old. If it is anxiety going would be exposure therapy, not harmful.

Extremely ignorant. Exposure therapy is never done in an adversarial setting. To avoid trauma, it must always be done with some measure of participant willingness and should never be sprung upon the patient, with the usual perpetrators being the ones implementing the therapy.

Otherwise you're just torturing patients under the guise of "treating" them.

Shame on you for not understanding this self-evident fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. You forced her to go? Why?

DP

I would have forced her too. We all have to do things that are uncomfortable and she needs to learn that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a private school, sorry, I’m not willing to name it. Her father didn’t physically force her. He told her he would get the teacher outside, and that’s when she started walking. He just held her hand so she wouldn’t try to escape again. She isn’t angry that she had to go the conference, was just nervous about talking to the teachers, but everything went well, so she’s fine.

From your perspective.

Not hers.

You are not handling her anxiety well, and you should consult a professional. Otherwise you are setting her up for decades of problems when she's an adult. She might never unlearn the social anxiety reflexes she is developing right now.

[Anonymous]

Maybe try talking to your kid about why she changed her mind. It was optional so I can’t believe how much you overreacted.

I remember being embarrassed bringing just my mom to school events after my parents got divorced. Very few parents at the school were divorced and I didn’t want people to gossip about me. I wish I was more mature than that but at 15, I just wanted to fit in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think her behavior was odd? You literally bullied her and her dad physically restrained her and forced her to attend the conference. And for what? Your poor DD. There is no need to go to conferences in HS. The last time I went to HS for academics was in freshman year to the HS Open House by myself. The last conference I attended with my DC was in 6th grade, in middle school (it was online during COVID). You're infantilizing your DD and now have managed to embarrass her in front of her teachers. I'm sad for your DD.

It sounds like the DD infantilized herself. She’s a teen. They can do that. But if the mom wants her to go to the school conference, as recommended by the school, the DD should go.

No. What planet are you on? DD decided no and her mother proceeded to bully her into the car with manipulation and threats, then called her father, who physically forced her in. In HS, only the ones whose parents have no idea what is going on go to the conferences. I don't go to conferences and don't know any of my DCs parents who do. I know what my teens' grades are and how they're doing, because I talk to them and they show me their grades and assignments. We talk about schoolwork, tests, projects. I don't need to go and ask teachers. Not sure how old you are or what age your kids are, but conferences are really only meaningful in elementary school as there are no grades and if you want to know how your child is doing, it's useful to go and talk to the teachers.

My teen decided no? Um, nope. I decided yes.

Well, good luck with your power trips and chasing your teens across parking lots to forcefully drag them somewhere. Outstanding parenting. I'm really glad I don't know people like you in real life.

[Anonymous]

You sound like the church parents.

[Anonymous]

This is not normal behavior in a 16 year old, unless the conference was initiated by parents and she knew it and thought it was embarrassing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[url]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this was probably a common teen attention grab or power play, and the correct move would have been not to engage. It wasn't a big deal if she went to the conference or not. Maybe that's not typical for a kid to not want to go to a conference, but it's also not normal for parents to react with this level of escalation. You guys turned it into a HUGE deal. She now realizes she can make life very difficult for you guys, and even if you end up getting your way, in the end it's not worth it. Instead, you could have given a simple consequence if her attending the conference was that important (it probably wasn't). Either she go or lose some small privilege for the week. Then I would have stuck to the consequence, with no arguing, yelling, or getting angry.

More likely she nows realizes her parents do not care how she feels. They certainly do not care to find out why she didn’t want to go.

That’s her takeaway and she will remember it.

Poorly handled, OP.

lol. If I stopped the presses every time my teen “felt” something, we’d be at a standstill. Feelings are just feelings.

And you don’t care? Nice.

That’s right. I don’t think every feeling deserves a care.

But if they do process their feelings and move forward, I acknowledge that and appreciate it.

But you don’t recognize their feelings and help them at that moment and afterwards? They are on their own and only if they figure it out by themselves do you give them the thumbs up?

We have a set of known expectations for the kids. You are expected to go to doctor appointments, school appointments, grandmas house, etc. Stuff like that. You can have feelings about it. You are expected to walk through and manage those feelings. I can’t manage those feelings for you. So yes, they need to figure them out on their own and, yes, I will give them a thumbs up.

School conferences are not mandatory. In fact in HS, rarely anyone goes to them. Most normal parents know how their kids are doing academically and there is no need to go ask teachers. DD under the circumstances described obviously didn't want to go because it would show to teachers that her parents are not normal.

It doesn’t matter. The school strongly recommended it and the parents required it. That’s it.

Nonsense. The school "recommends" it because they have to do it due to teachers' contract. Nobody normal goes to HS conferences. You're either too old or too young to know how it works in HS.

DP and this entire situation is odd.

The school got having HS conferences.

The mom for insisting and calling dad for back up.

DD for overreacting.

Dad for actually driving to the school.

EVERYONE behaved poorly and not age appropriate.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m kind of surprised by these responses. I have a child who does stuff like this. I never know how to handle but don’t really think letting them stay in the car is the right answer. And it’s not bc of abuse or any reason. It’s severe anxiety, that only gets worse when it is coddled.

A parent teacher conference is not the hill to die on for this. It's just not that important.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]
DD is 16. Her school had winter conferences to discuss how she’s been doing this semester. They strongly recommend having the student attend as well. From the start, at home, she was reluctant to go but eventually agreed to come with me.

When we arrived at school, she refused to get out of the car and said she didn’t want to speak to her teachers, or go to the conference, said that was her plan all along. She climbed into the back seat, tried locking doors, and would not go inside. I told her I wasn’t leaving until she got out. She refused for the next twenty minutes. She finally got out of the car [b]but then went and sat down on a bench nearby[/b], still refusing to go into the school.

I then stayed in the car, called her father (we’ve been divorced for years; he lives near the school) and asked him to come. He drove to the school and saw her near the building. He parked, she saw him, and tried to run, but he threatened to call the teacher to come outside and speak with her there. That quickly changed her behavior, and her dad grabbed her and took her into the school.

The conference itself went fine. The teachers all said she’s very capable and is a sweet kid but her only issue is procrastinating and turning assignments in late.

Her behavior here was very odd though, and I’m not sure what to do next or how to handle this.
[/quote]

Why would she do this??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like the church parents.

Right?! I wonder how they would parent a 200 lbs 16 yo son? It's quite comical really, if it wasn't abusive. I don't think I've carried my children against their wishes since toddlerhood, and only if they threw a fit in a public place. Given that the daughter was running from her dad, it's not the first time.

[Anonymous]

What a total brat

[Anonymous]

I have a different take here. I'm a college professor and one of my areas is supervising interns in our department. Part of that requires having a meeting with me, the student, and the supervisor where I ensure that there's some feedback happening.

These kids are between 3-6 years older than your kid, but that's really not very far off. It is CRITICAL that young adults who aim to enter the workforce or college be able to have difficult discussions and give and receive and act on feedback. That's not easy, but it is expected.

These conferences are a way for her to ramp up to these types of meetings in real life, or with greater consequences.

I might have gone in alone, talked with the teacher, and asked to reschedule it with the kid. Then I'd have talked with the kid to say "Hey, I see you couldn't do this today. What do you think that is? I can help you work through it, which you need, to and here's why..." Then I would have found a way to make it happen. If that was not possible, time for therapy to investigate the root and grow these skills.