16yo DD Refused to Enter School for Conference

[Anonymous]

I think this was probably a common teen attention grab or power play, and the correct move would have been not to engage. It wasn't a big deal if she went to the conference or not. Maybe that's not typical for a kid to not want to go to a conference, but it's also not normal for parents to react with this level of escalation. You guys turned it into a HUGE deal. She now realizes she can make life very difficult for you guys, and even if you end up getting your way, in the end it's not worth it. Instead, you could have given a simple consequence if her attending the conference was that important (it probably wasn't). Either she go or lose some small privilege for the week. Then I would have stuck to the consequence, with no arguing, yelling, or getting angry.

[Anonymous]

You must have gotten there very early or your conference time would have been long over by the time she actually went in.

[Anonymous]

My guess is she thought the conference with one or more teachers was going to be worse than it was. Maybe she was reprimanded at some point (like for the late assignments or maybe something else) and she thought the teacher was going to make it a really big deal (or that you would react really badly). Or maybe she told a lie “my assignment is late because my grandma is in the hospital” or something like that, and thought the teacher might mention it “was so sorry to hear about Larla’s grandma being ill, hope she is doing better!” (which would be mortifying) Seems like something a teen would do, lol.

[Anonymous]

I would have gone in without her and then tried to have a talk with her afterwards to see what’s going on. Not just about school but about handling conflict with you, doing things we sometimes don’t want to do, etc. You calling her dad to come to the rescue undermined your own authority

Is she defiant in other ways?

[Anonymous]

Her behavior was odd? So what if she didn’t want to go? YOUR behavior was odd. Way over the top. Calling dad to deal with her? Big mistake. Single moms shouldn’t be giving up their control to an ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this was probably a common teen attention grab or power play, and the correct move would have been not to engage. It wasn't a big deal if she went to the conference or not. Maybe that's not typical for a kid to not want to go to a conference, but it's also not normal for parents to react with this level of escalation. You guys turned it into a HUGE deal. She now realizes she can make life very difficult for you guys, and even if you end up getting your way, in the end it's not worth it. Instead, you could have given a simple consequence if her attending the conference was that important (it probably wasn't). Either she go or lose some small privilege for the week. Then I would have stuck to the consequence, with no arguing, yelling, or getting angry.

More likely she nows realizes her parents do not care how she feels. They certainly do not care to find out why she didn’t want to go.

That’s her takeaway and she will remember it.

Poorly handled, OP.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter needs a mental evaluation.. ASAP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this was probably a common teen attention grab or power play, and the correct move would have been not to engage. It wasn't a big deal if she went to the conference or not. Maybe that's not typical for a kid to not want to go to a conference, but it's also not normal for parents to react with this level of escalation. You guys turned it into a HUGE deal. She now realizes she can make life very difficult for you guys, and even if you end up getting your way, in the end it's not worth it. Instead, you could have given a simple consequence if her attending the conference was that important (it probably wasn't). Either she go or lose some small privilege for the week. Then I would have stuck to the consequence, with no arguing, yelling, or getting angry.

More likely she nows realizes her parents do not care how she feels. They certainly do not care to find out why she didn’t want to go.

That’s her takeaway and she will remember it.

Poorly handled, OP.

lol. If I stopped the presses every time my teen “felt” something, we’d be at a standstill. Feelings are just feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this was probably a common teen attention grab or power play, and the correct move would have been not to engage. It wasn't a big deal if she went to the conference or not. Maybe that's not typical for a kid to not want to go to a conference, but it's also not normal for parents to react with this level of escalation. You guys turned it into a HUGE deal. She now realizes she can make life very difficult for you guys, and even if you end up getting your way, in the end it's not worth it. Instead, you could have given a simple consequence if her attending the conference was that important (it probably wasn't). Either she go or lose some small privilege for the week. Then I would have stuck to the consequence, with no arguing, yelling, or getting angry.

More likely she nows realizes her parents do not care how she feels. They certainly do not care to find out why she didn’t want to go.

That’s her takeaway and she will remember it.

Poorly handled, OP.

lol. If I stopped the presses every time my teen “felt” something, we’d be at a standstill. Feelings are just feelings.

And you don’t care? Nice.

[Anonymous]

I would have reminded her that she would have to explain to her teachers why she didn't come if she was expected to do so. Then I would have gotten out of the car and said feel free to come in after thinking it over. Then I would have gone in.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this was probably a common teen attention grab or power play, and the correct move would have been not to engage. It wasn't a big deal if she went to the conference or not. Maybe that's not typical for a kid to not want to go to a conference, but it's also not normal for parents to react with this level of escalation. You guys turned it into a HUGE deal. She now realizes she can make life very difficult for you guys, and even if you end up getting your way, in the end it's not worth it. Instead, you could have given a simple consequence if her attending the conference was that important (it probably wasn't). Either she go or lose some small privilege for the week. Then I would have stuck to the consequence, with no arguing, yelling, or getting angry.

More likely she nows realizes her parents do not care how she feels. They certainly do not care to find out why she didn’t want to go.

That’s her takeaway and she will remember it.

Poorly handled, OP.

lol. If I stopped the presses every time my teen “felt” something, we’d be at a standstill. Feelings are just feelings.

And you don’t care? Nice.

That’s right. I don’t think every feeling deserves a care.

But if they do process their feelings and move forward, I acknowledge that and appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[url]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this was probably a common teen attention grab or power play, and the correct move would have been not to engage. It wasn't a big deal if she went to the conference or not. Maybe that's not typical for a kid to not want to go to a conference, but it's also not normal for parents to react with this level of escalation. You guys turned it into a HUGE deal. She now realizes she can make life very difficult for you guys, and even if you end up getting your way, in the end it's not worth it. Instead, you could have given a simple consequence if her attending the conference was that important (it probably wasn't). Either she go or lose some small privilege for the week. Then I would have stuck to the consequence, with no arguing, yelling, or getting angry.

More likely she nows realizes her parents do not care how she feels. They certainly do not care to find out why she didn’t want to go.

That’s her takeaway and she will remember it.

Poorly handled, OP.

lol. If I stopped the presses every time my teen “felt” something, we’d be at a standstill. Feelings are just feelings.

And you don’t care? Nice.

That’s right. I don’t think every feeling deserves a care.

But if they do process their feelings and move forward, I acknowledge that and appreciate it.

But you don’t recognize their feelings and help them at that moment and afterwards? They are on their own and only if they figure it out by themselves do you give them the thumbs up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team Mom & Dad.
You can't enable her anxiety. She lied and said she wanted to go, then refused to go in when you were there, I'd punish for that.

Another vote for team Mom and Dad. Teens have expectations in life. One is to show up for school and another is to show up for requested school conferences and not play games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make my kid go even if he said he didn’t want to. Sometimes you do things you don’t like and then you realize it’s NBD.

My kid has a difficult time doing things that are new. He gets all emotional. We calmly have him do it anyway. Later he says that he doesn’t know why he freaked out. Then he can easily do the thing in the future. There is no way I would back down on something like this. That’s enabling.

Good job. Life is about challenges and learning resilience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this was probably a common teen attention grab or power play, and the correct move would have been not to engage. It wasn't a big deal if she went to the conference or not. Maybe that's not typical for a kid to not want to go to a conference, but it's also not normal for parents to react with this level of escalation. You guys turned it into a HUGE deal. She now realizes she can make life very difficult for you guys, and even if you end up getting your way, in the end it's not worth it. Instead, you could have given a simple consequence if her attending the conference was that important (it probably wasn't). Either she go or lose some small privilege for the week. Then I would have stuck to the consequence, with no arguing, yelling, or getting angry.

More likely she nows realizes her parents do not care how she feels. They certainly do not care to find out why she didn’t want to go.

That’s her takeaway and she will remember it.

Poorly handled, OP.

lol. If I stopped the presses every time my teen “felt” something, we’d be at a standstill. Feelings are just feelings.

And you don’t care? Nice.

That’s right. I don’t think every feeling deserves a care.

But if they do process their feelings and move forward, I acknowledge that and appreciate it.

But you don’t recognize their feelings and help them at that moment and afterwards? They are on their own and only if they figure it out by themselves do you give them the thumbs up?

We have a set of known expectations for the kids. You are expected to go to doctor appointments, school appointments, grandmas house, etc. Stuff like that. You can have feelings about it. You are expected to walk through and manage those feelings. I can’t manage those feelings for you. So yes, they need to figure them out on their own and, yes, I will give them a thumbs up.