16yo DD Refused to Enter School for Conference

[Anonymous]

If your teen really didn’t want to do something like this - a regular sort of meeting - why wouldn’t you ask them why?

[Anonymous]

You think her behavior was odd? You literally bullied her and her dad physically restrained her and forced her to attend the conference. And for what? Your poor DD. There is no need to go to conferences in HS. The last time I went to HS for academics was in freshman year to the HS Open House by myself. The last conference I attended with my DC was in 6th grade, in middle school (it was online during COVID). You're infantilizing your DD and now have managed to embarrass her in front of her teachers. I'm sad for your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[url]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this was probably a common teen attention grab or power play, and the correct move would have been not to engage. It wasn't a big deal if she went to the conference or not. Maybe that's not typical for a kid to not want to go to a conference, but it's also not normal for parents to react with this level of escalation. You guys turned it into a HUGE deal. She now realizes she can make life very difficult for you guys, and even if you end up getting your way, in the end it's not worth it. Instead, you could have given a simple consequence if her attending the conference was that important (it probably wasn't). Either she go or lose some small privilege for the week. Then I would have stuck to the consequence, with no arguing, yelling, or getting angry.

More likely she nows realizes her parents do not care how she feels. They certainly do not care to find out why she didn’t want to go.

That’s her takeaway and she will remember it.

Poorly handled, OP.

lol. If I stopped the presses every time my teen “felt” something, we’d be at a standstill. Feelings are just feelings.

And you don’t care? Nice.

That’s right. I don’t think every feeling deserves a care.

But if they do process their feelings and move forward, I acknowledge that and appreciate it.

But you don’t recognize their feelings and help them at that moment and afterwards? They are on their own and only if they figure it out by themselves do you give them the thumbs up?

We have a set of known expectations for the kids. You are expected to go to doctor appointments, school appointments, grandmas house, etc. Stuff like that. You can have feelings about it. You are expected to walk through and manage those feelings. I can’t manage those feelings for you. So yes, they need to figure them out on their own and, yes, I will give them a thumbs up.

School conferences are not mandatory. In fact in HS, rarely anyone goes to them. Most normal parents know how their kids are doing academically and there is no need to go ask teachers. DD under the circumstances described obviously didn't want to go because it would show to teachers that her parents are not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think her behavior was odd? You literally bullied her and her dad physically restrained her and forced her to attend the conference. And for what? Your poor DD. There is no need to go to conferences in HS. The last time I went to HS for academics was in freshman year to the HS Open House by myself. The last conference I attended with my DC was in 6th grade, in middle school (it was online during COVID). You're infantilizing your DD and now have managed to embarrass her in front of her teachers. I'm sad for your DD.

It sounds like the DD infantilized herself. She’s a teen. They can do that. But if the mom wants her to go to the school conference, as recommended by the school, the DD should go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[url]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this was probably a common teen attention grab or power play, and the correct move would have been not to engage. It wasn't a big deal if she went to the conference or not. Maybe that's not typical for a kid to not want to go to a conference, but it's also not normal for parents to react with this level of escalation. You guys turned it into a HUGE deal. She now realizes she can make life very difficult for you guys, and even if you end up getting your way, in the end it's not worth it. Instead, you could have given a simple consequence if her attending the conference was that important (it probably wasn't). Either she go or lose some small privilege for the week. Then I would have stuck to the consequence, with no arguing, yelling, or getting angry.

More likely she nows realizes her parents do not care how she feels. They certainly do not care to find out why she didn’t want to go.

That’s her takeaway and she will remember it.

Poorly handled, OP.

lol. If I stopped the presses every time my teen “felt” something, we’d be at a standstill. Feelings are just feelings.

And you don’t care? Nice.

That’s right. I don’t think every feeling deserves a care.

But if they do process their feelings and move forward, I acknowledge that and appreciate it.

But you don’t recognize their feelings and help them at that moment and afterwards? They are on their own and only if they figure it out by themselves do you give them the thumbs up?

We have a set of known expectations for the kids. You are expected to go to doctor appointments, school appointments, grandmas house, etc. Stuff like that. You can have feelings about it. You are expected to walk through and manage those feelings. I can’t manage those feelings for you. So yes, they need to figure them out on their own and, yes, I will give them a thumbs up.

School conferences are not mandatory. In fact in HS, rarely anyone goes to them. Most normal parents know how their kids are doing academically and there is no need to go ask teachers. DD under the circumstances described obviously didn't want to go because it would show to teachers that her parents are not normal.

This sounds like an excuse a teen would give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[url]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this was probably a common teen attention grab or power play, and the correct move would have been not to engage. It wasn't a big deal if she went to the conference or not. Maybe that's not typical for a kid to not want to go to a conference, but it's also not normal for parents to react with this level of escalation. You guys turned it into a HUGE deal. She now realizes she can make life very difficult for you guys, and even if you end up getting your way, in the end it's not worth it. Instead, you could have given a simple consequence if her attending the conference was that important (it probably wasn't). Either she go or lose some small privilege for the week. Then I would have stuck to the consequence, with no arguing, yelling, or getting angry.

More likely she nows realizes her parents do not care how she feels. They certainly do not care to find out why she didn’t want to go.

That’s her takeaway and she will remember it.

Poorly handled, OP.

lol. If I stopped the presses every time my teen “felt” something, we’d be at a standstill. Feelings are just feelings.

And you don’t care? Nice.

That’s right. I don’t think every feeling deserves a care.

But if they do process their feelings and move forward, I acknowledge that and appreciate it.

But you don’t recognize their feelings and help them at that moment and afterwards? They are on their own and only if they figure it out by themselves do you give them the thumbs up?

We have a set of known expectations for the kids. You are expected to go to doctor appointments, school appointments, grandmas house, etc. Stuff like that. You can have feelings about it. You are expected to walk through and manage those feelings. I can’t manage those feelings for you. So yes, they need to figure them out on their own and, yes, I will give them a thumbs up.

School conferences are not mandatory. In fact in HS, rarely anyone goes to them. Most normal parents know how their kids are doing academically and there is no need to go ask teachers. DD under the circumstances described obviously didn't want to go because it would show to teachers that her parents are not normal.

It doesn’t matter. The school strongly recommended it and the parents required it. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

OP, Good for you and Dad for being a united front.

In life we all have to go to meetings at some point that we don't want to.

Your daughter learned that going to a meeting is not a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think her behavior was odd? You literally bullied her and her dad physically restrained her and forced her to attend the conference. And for what? Your poor DD. There is no need to go to conferences in HS. The last time I went to HS for academics was in freshman year to the HS Open House by myself. The last conference I attended with my DC was in 6th grade, in middle school (it was online during COVID). You're infantilizing your DD and now have managed to embarrass her in front of her teachers. I'm sad for your DD.

It sounds like the DD infantilized herself. She’s a teen. They can do that. But if the mom wants her to go to the school conference, as recommended by the school, the DD should go.

No. What planet are you on? DD decided no and her mother proceeded to bully her into the car with manipulation and threats, then called her father, who physically forced her in. In HS, only the ones whose parents have no idea what is going on go to the conferences. I don't go to conferences and don't know any of my DCs parents who do. I know what my teens' grades are and how they're doing, because I talk to them and they show me their grades and assignments. We talk about schoolwork, tests, projects. I don't need to go and ask teachers. Not sure how old you are or what age your kids are, but conferences are really only meaningful in elementary school as there are no grades and if you want to know how your child is doing, it's useful to go and talk to the teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[url]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this was probably a common teen attention grab or power play, and the correct move would have been not to engage. It wasn't a big deal if she went to the conference or not. Maybe that's not typical for a kid to not want to go to a conference, but it's also not normal for parents to react with this level of escalation. You guys turned it into a HUGE deal. She now realizes she can make life very difficult for you guys, and even if you end up getting your way, in the end it's not worth it. Instead, you could have given a simple consequence if her attending the conference was that important (it probably wasn't). Either she go or lose some small privilege for the week. Then I would have stuck to the consequence, with no arguing, yelling, or getting angry.

More likely she nows realizes her parents do not care how she feels. They certainly do not care to find out why she didn’t want to go.

That’s her takeaway and she will remember it.

Poorly handled, OP.

lol. If I stopped the presses every time my teen “felt” something, we’d be at a standstill. Feelings are just feelings.

And you don’t care? Nice.

That’s right. I don’t think every feeling deserves a care.

But if they do process their feelings and move forward, I acknowledge that and appreciate it.

But you don’t recognize their feelings and help them at that moment and afterwards? They are on their own and only if they figure it out by themselves do you give them the thumbs up?

We have a set of known expectations for the kids. You are expected to go to doctor appointments, school appointments, grandmas house, etc. Stuff like that. You can have feelings about it. You are expected to walk through and manage those feelings. I can’t manage those feelings for you. So yes, they need to figure them out on their own and, yes, I will give them a thumbs up.

School conferences are not mandatory. In fact in HS, rarely anyone goes to them. Most normal parents know how their kids are doing academically and there is no need to go ask teachers. DD under the circumstances described obviously didn't want to go because it would show to teachers that her parents are not normal.

It doesn’t matter. The school strongly recommended it and the parents required it. That’s it.

Nonsense. The school "recommends" it because they have to do it due to teachers' contract. Nobody normal goes to HS conferences. You're either too old or too young to know how it works in HS.

[Anonymous]

I would have left her in the car. You or your dd don't have to do everything your school "recommends." It would have been best just to go in yourself and talk to your dd about why she didn't want to be there afterwards.

Now she has a core memory of mom and dad manhandling her to go to a parent teacher conference she didn't really need to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[url]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this was probably a common teen attention grab or power play, and the correct move would have been not to engage. It wasn't a big deal if she went to the conference or not. Maybe that's not typical for a kid to not want to go to a conference, but it's also not normal for parents to react with this level of escalation. You guys turned it into a HUGE deal. She now realizes she can make life very difficult for you guys, and even if you end up getting your way, in the end it's not worth it. Instead, you could have given a simple consequence if her attending the conference was that important (it probably wasn't). Either she go or lose some small privilege for the week. Then I would have stuck to the consequence, with no arguing, yelling, or getting angry.

More likely she nows realizes her parents do not care how she feels. They certainly do not care to find out why she didn’t want to go.

That’s her takeaway and she will remember it.

Poorly handled, OP.

lol. If I stopped the presses every time my teen “felt” something, we’d be at a standstill. Feelings are just feelings.

And you don’t care? Nice.

That’s right. I don’t think every feeling deserves a care.

But if they do process their feelings and move forward, I acknowledge that and appreciate it.

But you don’t recognize their feelings and help them at that moment and afterwards? They are on their own and only if they figure it out by themselves do you give them the thumbs up?

We have a set of known expectations for the kids. You are expected to go to doctor appointments, school appointments, grandmas house, etc. Stuff like that. You can have feelings about it. You are expected to walk through and manage those feelings. I can’t manage those feelings for you. So yes, they need to figure them out on their own and, yes, I will give them a thumbs up.

School conferences are not mandatory. In fact in HS, rarely anyone goes to them. Most normal parents know how their kids are doing academically and there is no need to go ask teachers. DD under the circumstances described obviously didn't want to go because it would show to teachers that her parents are not normal.

It doesn’t matter. The school strongly recommended it and the parents required it. That’s it.

Nonsense. The school "recommends" it because they have to do it due to teachers' contract. Nobody normal goes to HS conferences. You're either too old or too young to know how it works in HS.

My kids are in high school. If I decided that I wanted them to go to a meeting, they would go to that meeting. They couldn’t throw a tantrum and stay in the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think her behavior was odd? You literally bullied her and her dad physically restrained her and forced her to attend the conference. And for what? Your poor DD. There is no need to go to conferences in HS. The last time I went to HS for academics was in freshman year to the HS Open House by myself. The last conference I attended with my DC was in 6th grade, in middle school (it was online during COVID). You're infantilizing your DD and now have managed to embarrass her in front of her teachers. I'm sad for your DD.

It sounds like the DD infantilized herself. She’s a teen. They can do that. But if the mom wants her to go to the school conference, as recommended by the school, the DD should go.

No. What planet are you on? DD decided no and her mother proceeded to bully her into the car with manipulation and threats, then called her father, who physically forced her in. In HS, only the ones whose parents have no idea what is going on go to the conferences. I don't go to conferences and don't know any of my DCs parents who do. I know what my teens' grades are and how they're doing, because I talk to them and they show me their grades and assignments. We talk about schoolwork, tests, projects. I don't need to go and ask teachers. Not sure how old you are or what age your kids are, but conferences are really only meaningful in elementary school as there are no grades and if you want to know how your child is doing, it's useful to go and talk to the teachers.

My teen decided no? Um, nope. I decided yes.

[Anonymous]

A lot of you let your kids act like babies and run the show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a brat. She had to go, she tried to hide, and act like a two year old. If it is anxiety going would be exposure therapy, not harmful.

+1

Op, does she have mental health problems?

What mental health problem does this sound like. None to me.

[Anonymous]

The key thing here is that neither parent tried to find out why the daughter didn’t want to go. Sure, it turned out fine but what if the daughter had a good reason like the teacher was sexually harassing her?

It’s basic parenting of a teen to ask why.

The daughter is sure not going to be sharing anything with mom now.