Any other women quiet quitting your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sheesh, take accountability and authorship of your life. Either go to couples therapy or divorce.

We are in couples therapy, and all we talk about is him.

What did the therapist say when you mentioned this?

Maybe all she does is complain about him and that's why they're talking about him. Women never take accountability in these situations. It's always the man's fault. Whatever it is.

It's my fault for being a doormat for so long. And now I'm done.

Couples therapy hasn't resolved anything. He's a bully and controls the conversation. Individual therapy has been much more helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Would you be happier being a SAH and not having to work (despite popular culture saying girl boss, instinctively it's opposite)? That may also be an option instead of divorce.

In another marriage, yes. But in our marriage, he's controlling and secretive about money, so that would definitely not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Would you be happier being a SAH and not having to work (despite popular culture saying girl boss, instinctively it's opposite)? That may also be an option instead of divorce.

In another marriage, yes. But in our marriage, he's controlling and secretive about money, so that would definitely not work.

So it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot more than you original post stated. You need to figure out why you aren’t putting yourself and your kids first.

[Anonymous]

OP - I was raised in a household with a similar dynamic. Your phrasing of "long enough to finish raising kids?" raised a flag for me. I want you to know that I have wished for years that my parents sorted their shit out earlier. Whether that meant therapy, separation, screaming, divorce, whatever. They just avoid any issues and exist in this limbo of tension. It bleeds into mine and my sibling's relationships with both Mom and Dad. It makes it hard to spend time with them. I feel betrayed by my mom for continuing the status quo--I don't know what the right solution would have been, but I know that trying to compartmentalize like this has consequences. Just make sure you're ready for those before you commit to this until you "finish raising kids". Parenting is a lifelong job. It won't be easier for them later just because they'll be older. My two cents.

[Anonymous]

I tried this and it did not work.

I either have to accept DH or peace out. For now I accept him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

But quiet quitting isn't about keeping score. It's about taking care of yourself and disengaging from other people's emotional responses.

Getting to the point of passive aggressively quiet quitting is about years of keeping score.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I was raised in a household with a similar dynamic. Your phrasing of "long enough to finish raising kids?" raised a flag for me. I want you to know that I have wished for years that my parents sorted their shit out earlier. Whether that meant therapy, separation, screaming, divorce, whatever. They just avoid any issues and exist in this limbo of tension. It bleeds into mine and my sibling's relationships with both Mom and Dad. It makes it hard to spend time with them. I feel betrayed by my mom for continuing the status quo--I don't know what the right solution would have been, but I know that trying to compartmentalize like this has consequences. Just make sure you're ready for those before you commit to this until you "finish raising kids". Parenting is a lifelong job. It won't be easier for them later just because they'll be older. My two cents.

The other side of it: I was left by a checked-out DH who decided he cared about his career more than anything else. But then he went after custody even though he had zero interest in parenting. My kids would have been better with everyone under one roof and tension and one checked-out parent rather than having to be ignored and fend for themselves 40% of the time at their father’s house.

A tense household is better than spending half the remainder of your childhood never getting to school or activities on time, being ignored at home, waking yourself up and scrambling for clean clothes and packed lunch supplies because your father “had an early meeting” ever day that week, and wondering if that’s the day you’ll get picked up from soccer or will have to once again beg a ride from another parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Would you be happier being a SAH and not having to work (despite popular culture saying girl boss, instinctively it's opposite)? That may also be an option instead of divorce.

What? Definitely definitely not. You want to take away her only financial security to support herself and her children? And leave her at his mercy? Wtf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

But quiet quitting isn't about keeping score. It's about taking care of yourself and disengaging from other people's emotional responses.

Getting to the point of passive aggressively quiet quitting is about years of keeping score.

You’re projecting. She isn’t passive aggressively doing anything. She’s just NOT doing things. Just because I don’t note my MILs birthday in my calendar, but a cad, ship for a gift, remind the kids to sign the card, send both ahead of time, remind DH the day of to call her etc etc isn’t being passive aggressive. It’s just… not doing all that. Your immediate jump to someone not performing domestic duties for you as “passive aggressive” and “score keeping” says more about how you treat your own spouse than OP.

[Anonymous]

LOL at the title of the post. What is quite quitting a marriage?

This is just an example of a bad marriage - divorce or don't. OP chose a crap DH because her own dad was a crap dad. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

But quiet quitting isn't about keeping score. It's about taking care of yourself and disengaging from other people's emotional responses.

Getting to the point of passive aggressively quiet quitting is about years of keeping score.

You’re projecting. She isn’t passive aggressively doing anything. She’s just NOT doing things. Just because I don’t note my MILs birthday in my calendar, but a cad, ship for a gift, remind the kids to sign the card, send both ahead of time, remind DH the day of to call her etc etc isn’t being passive aggressive. It’s just… not doing all that. Your immediate jump to someone not performing domestic duties for you as “passive aggressive” and “score keeping” says more about how you treat your own spouse than OP.

DP

What you describe was never your responsibility anyway. Never. You assigned yourself this responsibility. Then you un-assigned yourself responsibility, for something that was never your business.

"I'm NOT doing the thing I was never obligated to do!"

Great. You're liberating yourself from the burdens you placed on yourself. Congratulations. You are where you should be, only angrier and more resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

But quiet quitting isn't about keeping score. It's about taking care of yourself and disengaging from other people's emotional responses.

Getting to the point of passive aggressively quiet quitting is about years of keeping score.

You’re projecting. She isn’t passive aggressively doing anything. She’s just NOT doing things. Just because I don’t note my MILs birthday in my calendar, but a cad, ship for a gift, remind the kids to sign the card, send both ahead of time, remind DH the day of to call her etc etc isn’t being passive aggressive. It’s just… not doing all that. Your immediate jump to someone not performing domestic duties for you as “passive aggressive” and “score keeping” says more about how you treat your own spouse than OP.

DP

What you describe was never your responsibility anyway. Never. You assigned yourself this responsibility. Then you un-assigned yourself responsibility, for something that was never your business.

"I'm NOT doing the thing I was never obligated to do!"

Great. You're liberating yourself from the burdens you placed on yourself. Congratulations. You are where you should be, only angrier and more resentful.

Either way, it’s not passive aggressive and it’s a chore (like 10 in this one case) lifted off OPs shoulders. Trying to deride it as passive aggressive or score keeping is inappropriate and incorrect. If the end result is the same (ie self imposed restriction now liberated from), how can you say that’s a bad thing for op? Or did you just feel like insulting random women on the internet today?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

You sound passive-aggressive. That doesn’t solve any issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

But quiet quitting isn't about keeping score. It's about taking care of yourself and disengaging from other people's emotional responses.

Getting to the point of passive aggressively quiet quitting is about years of keeping score.

Often, people object to "keeping score" because it draws attention to the score.

[Anonymous]

What is the therapist talking about when they're talking about him?