Any other women quiet quitting your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

But quiet quitting isn't about keeping score. It's about taking care of yourself and disengaging from other people's emotional responses.

Getting to the point of passive aggressively quiet quitting is about years of keeping score.

You’re projecting. She isn’t passive aggressively doing anything. She’s just NOT doing things. Just because I don’t note my MILs birthday in my calendar, but a cad, ship for a gift, remind the kids to sign the card, send both ahead of time, remind DH the day of to call her etc etc isn’t being passive aggressive. It’s just… not doing all that. Your immediate jump to someone not performing domestic duties for you as “passive aggressive” and “score keeping” says more about how you treat your own spouse than OP.

Not doing things with contempt and out of resentment implies passive aggression and keeping score, but maybe I am reading into it. I would have to delete those calendar reminders purposely and I said nothing about domestic duties. I was referring to the idea of purposely quiet quitting in a relationship which doesn’t have to be about domestic duties. You can quiet quitting by working less hours or doing less at work or by not initiating sex with your spouse. You seem to have strong opinions on my character and relationship with zero knowledge, being psychic and wrong must be awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

You sound passive-aggressive. That doesn’t solve any issues.

How is self-care passive-aggressive? I'm just prioritizing myself and my children now and dropping the rope on the rest. No one else is going to take care of me, so I have to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Would you be happier being a SAH and not having to work (despite popular culture saying girl boss, instinctively it's opposite)? That may also be an option instead of divorce.

In another marriage, yes. But in our marriage, he's controlling and secretive about money, so that would definitely not work.

So it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot more than you original post stated. You need to figure out why you aren’t putting yourself and your kids first.

It's hard to self-advocate in a marriage when your own mother didn't do it for herself, but this is a good reminder to me that I have a daughter watching me. I want her to see how important it is for women to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. I don't want her to repeat the cycle. Maybe I can't do it for me yet, but I can do it for her.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, that PP is trying to mindf*ck you into doing your spouse's adulting for him.

It's codepedent to do for another adult what he can and should do for himself. Realizing you've been saddled with things that aren't your responsibility and then dropping the rope isn't passive aggressive, it's simply undoing an unhealthy dynamic.

I did the whole "virtuous cycle" and giving grace and assuming positive intent and sharing 5-6 positives for every critical thing I mentioned, and well, it didn't magically turn a manchild into an adult, and it didn't turn our marriage equitable. It just kept me stuck in an unhealthy dynamic.

And now I've got a 13 year old saying, "I thought if I gave him a grocery list he would actually BUY GROCERIES" because it's an actual problem with him. It wasn't me choosing to be resentful or choosing to keep score. If your partner is abdicating all adulting because you are there, it's not an issue of attitude.

I wish I had rejected that dynamic like OP is doing. Instead I just kept on practicing gratitude until he left me for another woman and then put all his issues on our children instead of me. Somehow he blamed them for not filling his stocking when he never asked me to and never filled mine when we were married. But somehow the children were supposed to anticipate that he wouldn't think to fill his own stocking and that an empty stocking would give him the sadz.

I had made my peace with the situation as a SAHM. Like at least if I was adulting for him, it was kind of my actual job. Watching him fail at everything is horrible (I did once love and choose to have kids with this man, and he's my children's father) but also, OMG, he really truly is that bad at doing anything that he doesn't want to do. It's really spectacular to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please understand that this will have an effect on your kids and can influence how they go about looking for a partner.

Lots of people had neglectful, ignorant fathers they never depended on for anything but a warm body on the sofa and some paycheck. No coaching, no emotional support, no real conversations, no worries or concerns, no parenting or disciplining, no care.

OP here. You just described my father when I was growing up, though he's since evolved and become more emotionally attuned.

He was probably maxed out at a very low level of adulting when working, married with kids and a house.

Now that he’s only retired or no pesky kid demands, and sitting around, he seems assessable mentally — until something stressful or urgent or needing people-skills pops up. Then he’ll go hide again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

FYI the legal term for this in an at-fault divorce is “constructive desertion.”

Key words there being at-fault. Which means no even distribution of assets.

Agree. It’s active and longstanding constructive desertion of one’s family, home, wife and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

I lasted 6 years until the kids were 11. Them got out. So much happier now. He added no value. He also became emotionally abusive. Why are you staying? Go to therapy. Go live your life with joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Context matters. It's one thing if you're pulling long surgical shifts, but another if you're going to every conference, sports event, concert, and happy hour thrown your way. And if all you offer is a paycheck, husband or ex-husband, what's the difference, really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

Hilarious!

You think changing my “perspective on life” is going to fix the broken garage door or help my dyslexic child or meal plan/cook, or plot out summer camps/ trips, or provide decent childcare so I can unpack the house??!

Meanwhile the other do-nothing parent freeloads, hides in his home office, ignores his children, eats dinner in 3 minutes, then walks off “to relax” and pass out by 8:30pm watching Netflix. Daily.

No emotions needed. He’s a deadweight. Lots of non-emotional data and camera feeds to back that up. Or ask the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please understand that this will have an effect on your kids and can influence how they go about looking for a partner.

Lots of people had neglectful, ignorant fathers they never depended on for anything but a warm body on the sofa and some paycheck. No coaching, no emotional support, no real conversations, no worries or concerns, no parenting or disciplining, no care.

Are you saying that’s what kids should expect?

Never.

But between a large chunk of physically absent fathers and a large chunk of physically there/mentally absent fathers, that’s the reality. Dump the kids and house on wifey or grandmaX I’m busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Would you be happier being a SAH and not having to work (despite popular culture saying girl boss, instinctively it's opposite)? That may also be an option instead of divorce.

SAH mom only works if:
The guy is grateful and shows it; and,
The guy does 50/50 after work and on weekends; or,
The guy is never around and that’s the mutual agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

What, pray tell, was "his share of the parenting"? Sounds like you are lazy AF.

By his share of the parenting, I mean doing more than driving the kids to school once a month and occasionally showing up to the boy’s sports games. He did literally nothing else because “slides”, “email”, “I gotta take this call.”

Oh my god the effing calls. Always with the "need to take this call" or "on a call". 20+ years of this avoidance mechanism (and not much to show for it professionally I have to say.)

That’s weird. If they are so great why aren’t they delegating? Then they can hold short and movable internal catch up calls. Sounds like they are bad at managing people, projects and clients. Shocking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reading these posts I see a lot of valid frustrations, but I also see a total lack of empathy for your partner’s experience. Resentments are building and love is eroding, but the underlying view is I am entitled to more, their life is separate and better than mine. If you are keeping score in a marriage than you are the reason for the disconnect, nothing your partner says or does will ever even the score because only one person decides what counts and the number of points on the board. Stop thinking they are the enemy and believe they are your partner in a situation where both of you are feeling unappreciated, unheard and undervalued. This might help you fall in love again or at least start to respect each other a little bit more.

- In most of the posts, there is an underlying belief seems to be that the spouse can fix the angst they feel about life. They don’t care if they don’t change how things are, but the issue seems like perspective on life has changed from one person while the offending spouse is holding steady hoping it will change back. Not defending them, but when emotions lead, everyone loses.
- Their work is seen as a vacation from the family responsibilities, not as an investment in the family. They may feel that the current challenges are temporary and if they stay committed to the long term goals all will work out in the end.

But quiet quitting isn't about keeping score. It's about taking care of yourself and disengaging from other people's emotional responses.

Getting to the point of passive aggressively quiet quitting is about years of keeping score.

No scoring needed here, he does very little!
And of what he attempts to do, he forgets or mixes up. Oh well. Costs$$$ fixing those but, oh well. Better than his immature temper tantrums.

[Anonymous]

Good Lord, just get a divorce. What is the point of all this drama?